A.N This is a bit of silliness written in honour of Velveteenbunny. I don't usually write this pairing so please bear with me and comments are always welcome. They will be short drabbles and are meant to be tongue in cheek (also please bear with me I'm not as well rehearsed in the books as many people are).

…..

Well I Never

Part One: A Normal Man

It had been a particularly gruelling class, Harry had once again been the brunt of everything sarcastic and cutting remark that Snape had to give. Hermione was forced to look on silently, watching the man she was infatuated with act like a total dick to one of her best friends. But never mind, as much as Harry grumbled about it he said just as much in about Snape when he was out of the professors earshot.

Ron joined them and they found a quiet corner outside and almost immediately Harry began explaining to Ron what had just gone on. His friend nodded sympathetically and then as Hermione expected he made a typical bone head comment that had absolutely no logic.

"He probably can't help it Harry." Ron explained. "Let's face he was born looking like an emo, he has no other choice but to be a grumpy sod. He was made for the Dark Arts."

The comment made Harry laugh and to be fair Hermione had to suppress a chuckle for a moment. But still Ron was being an idiot but that wasn't the end of it all.

"He probably ranks number one though at the most attractive death eater awards."

Harry's eyebrows raised and Hermione looked surprised to, Ron realised his phrasing was a bit off there and he started to babble something to dig himself out of the hole. But he only went deeper.

"I don't mean I find him attractive…. I mean.. you know… death eaters… they are ugly aren't they… whereas at least… he looks…."

"Attractive?" Hermione finished for him, trying not to laugh but it didn't stop Harry.

"Apparently he is." Harry joked and Ron folded his arms and looked away moodily obviously realising silence was his best option. "But putting that aside, he just winds me up. I wonder sometimes if he's human."

"How do you know he isn't?" Hermione said, feeling the urge to rise to her lovers defence. "Behind closed doors he might be completely normal."

"How do you imagine he's normal?" Ron replied, rejoining the conversation still with the sulky tone in his voice.

"Well… you know…" Hermione said nervously, not wanting to get caught out for the boys did not know about herself and Snape's little thing they had going on. "He might like normal things like…. I don't know…. Shakespeare, walking…. Or Vimto."

"Proffessor Snape likes Vimto?" Ron asked incredulously.

"That's what you class as being a normal person?" Harry joined.

"It was the first thing that came into my head."

"Well why stop there, if he likes Vimto maybe he likes Donuts too." Ron continued.

The boys burst into hysterics and now it was Hermione who grew tired of their childishness and she stood up feeling flustered.

"I'm going inside to read up on our next potions, then maybe I'll get it right first time." She rambled.

"Maybe you could magic up some Vimto in the lesson, the Professor might like that."

"Sod off Ron!" She said and stormed off. As she blindly stomped through the corridors she was taken aback when someone grabbed her and pulled her into the nearby room. It was Snape. He pressed her up against the door and hungrily kissed her for several seconds, then typically he pulled away and acted like they were nothing more than student and teacher. He had a habit of doing that.

"Hello to you to." She said in a low voice, still sounding irritated.

"That facial expression is the kind I expect to see on Mr Weasley, not you Hermione." He said in a chiding tone, he was still keeping up the teacher mode then. "Do explain what the problem is?"

"Oh nothing, I just got a bit annoyed that's all."

"Would you care to expand on the reason?"

"Not really, it's pointless. It's just Ron."

"Then you are right, no further explanation is required. Mr Weasley's face is in the dictionary referenced under idiocy I believe."

"He's alright really, he just knows how to rub me up the wrong way."

"As opposed to rubbing you up the right way?" Snape said and now he moved nearer. "How might one achieve that Miss Granger? Please elaborate."

His body pressed her back against the wall again and his hands rested on her waist, those dark eyes of his looking penetratingly into her own. Somehow that gaze seem to root her to the spot more than any physical force could. She swallowed hard and tried to think of something to say, she knew she was clever and she couldn't let him have his own way all the time.

"I believe it's making intelligent observations, not stupid ones." She answered, her voice more levelled than she imagined for inside she was fluttering all over and a heat was flushing her body. Damn him for making her feel like that when she wanted to seem composed.

"I see." He said his eyebrows raised. "Anything else?"

"I will let you know if I think of anything for a more appropriate time." She said trying her best to sound sultry and mysterious.

"Please do." He answered thickly and then his face came so close to hers their lips were only millimetres away from each other. It was getting too much to bear. "But until then don't harass yourself because as it happens I am rather partial to Vimto."

As these words escaped his lips he kissed her hard on the mouth again and then before she had time to register anything beyond her biological reaction he was gone from the room. God he was a bastard sometimes. As she registered the loss of his presence, the last tingle of their kiss fading from her lips she thought about his words and felt the ridiculousness of it all. He really did like Vimto? Really? Professor Severus Snape a fan of a muggle drink?

"Well I never." She found herself saying aloud only then to catch her breath in her throat.

How the hell did he know about it? There was only one way he could, he had somehow been listening. She would get him back for that!