Today, I realized something. I always cry alone, but never want to actually be alone. I am always secretly hoping someone will walk in and find me a mess. They will see that the invincible person is weak. And instead of making fun of this weakness or being afraid of what they will find, I wish that person would just hug me. A hug. That's it. A reminder that I need people. A reminder that people still care, that I am worth enough that they can stop their day for 30 seconds and give a part of themselves to me. Show me that I do matter. That's all anyone wants I suppose, to feel that they matter in the world. To know wholly and completely that they are at least loved a little bit.
If I had one wish, it would be that someone would walk in right now, and that I would be hugged. Looking at myself in a mirror would show nothing but pain. Red swollen eyes compliment the rags that used to be a uniform which elegantly sat on my small frame. Cuts and bruises finally appear from the fight which left me at this state.
Shaking my head in disapproval I move towards my bed, perhaps sleep will cure my troubled mind.
Why does sleep still evade me? I have told you worlds of information, yet nothing matters. It never has, yet I never wished these thoughts away, only hoped they would quiet, because without these words, I would feel completely disconnected.
It is times like these I do not know why I am still who I am. How was I able to still be a caring person when he world has been nothing but cruel to me. The world has forced me to live under a façade for people I do not know. The world has made me hide who I want to be. When I open up myself the only thing that results in pain, anger, fury. Why should I be forced to submit myself to such treacherous acts? Why should allow my gifts in kindness be squashed? And yet I do. I allow it to happen. Well allowed it to happen. I have become a bitter person that no longer sees the good in people. I feel as though I actually hunt out their flaws when I look there. I am no longer the person that would go to the ends of the earth, the person that would give everything to a stranger. I have become the person who chooses her own needs over others. The person who I used to hate. The person I want to diminish from the world population…I want to be me again…and more than anything I want someone to share my pain with. Someone who can fix me.