Challenge: Quidditch League and House Cup competition.
Prompts: "Pretend that didn't happen."; "Forget about it."; Heartbeat
The day starts out innocently enough, it is not until after dinner that it starts taking an...unexpected turn.
It is a Saturday evening, and you are in your dorm getting some last minute homework done before lights out. Or, at least, you were. Until he entered the room.
You watch, the blood running through your veins at a million miles an hour. You're sure that your whole face has gone bright red.
Ernie is standing in the middle of the room, a towel sitting low on his waist, exposing his toned muscles. His tousled hair glistens with water as he runs a pale hand through it.
Your breath catches in your throat as you watch the path of his hand, your face flushes. You can feel your cheeks getting hot.
You don't understand why you feel like this. You've shared a dorm with Ernie for years, seen him in only a towel millions of times, but your heartbeat has never been this loud.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
It pounds in your chest, your blood pumps faster and you feel an uncomfortable tightness in your pants. You gulp. He must be able to hear your heart beating, it's so loud it deafens you. Can't he hear it?
Ernie catches you looking. "See something you like?" He's only teasing you, he doesn't expect you to say yes. He has no idea that you feel like this, he can't hear your heart going thump thump thump in his ears like you can.
You just laugh it off, and say you need a cold shower. What you don't say is why you need a cold one.
The cold water rushes down, soothing you and giving you time to think.
Why do you feel like this? Why does your heart rate increase tenfold when you see him? It's wrong. You can't feel this. Your mother would be so ashamed if she found out that you were gay. It's unnatural, she always says, unholy, and just wrong. If God wanted men to be with men, and women to be with women, he wouldn't have created two different sexes.
That's how you were brought up. That's what you were taught, you aren't supposed to feel like this, it's not right! So why do you like it? Why do you crave his touch? Why do you feel like melting whenever he looks your way?
You shake your head watching the droplets of water flying everywhere before making their way down the drain, taking any thoughts of Ernie with them.
xXx
It's just you and him, alone, together. He is standing so close to you that you can't breathe properly, your chest has constricted and your heart is going thump, thump, thump, in your chest. Then he puts his hands on your bare chest and runs them down, fingers tracing patterns in your skin, and his lips trail down your neck. You don't care how wrong it is, you don't care that your mother wouldn't approve, all you can think about is Ernie and how much you want him to-
You jolt awake and bold upright. Groaning, you sink your head back into the pillow. Why is this happening to you? You're not supposed to be with Ernie. Your supposed to find a nice girl, and settle down and give your Mum grandchildren. Not fall in love with Ernie.
It's just a phase, you think, because you haven't had a girlfriend in a while and once you get one you'll be normal again. That's it, it must be it. It's just a phase.
Just a phase. Just a phase. Just a phase. Just a phase.
You repeat that over and over again. It becomes your mantra, your hold on sanity. It's just a phase. Nothing more than a physical attraction. Just a phase. When it's over, you can pretend it didn't happen.
(But do you really believe that?)
xXx
The next morning, you see Ernie kissing Hannah Abbot, his girlfriend, and you feel this unmistakable urge to break something.
Adrenaline runs through your veins, and you find yourself mentally insulting Hannah Abbot in as many different ways you can think of. It's horrible, you know that. She's your friend, and your best friend's girlfriend. Ernie isn't yours, so why do you feel like this? Why is your heartbeat pounding so?
Thump. Thump. Thump.
Suddenly it occurs to you why you feel like this. You're just jealous that Ernie has a girlfriend! It's been so long since you've had one, that explains it. You are not jealous of Hannah for dating Ernie, but rather of Ernie, for dating Hannah. You look around, and you see Susan Bones looking at you. You flash her a smile, and decide to ask her to Hogsmeade. Ernie always said she had a thing for you, Hannah told him so. If she says yes, these feelings will go away. Everything will be normal again.
You approach Susan, she's a nice enough girl, attractive, and most of all, she's normal. She blushes and says yes when you ask her.
You can't help but sneak a glance at Ernie, maybe you were hoping he would look jealous, or angry, or something to indicate that you weren't alone in this madness. But he didn't. Instead, he just gives you a thumbs up, and Hannah flashes you a smile.
Even though you don't want these feelings, you can't help the bitter disappointment that wells up inside of you.
The rest of the day passes in a blur. You feel like hitting yourself every time you catch yourself staring at the back of Ernie's head. It's not right, it's wrong. Why can't you stop feeling like this? Why can't you feel what you feel for Ernie for Susan? Why can't you just forget about it? Why can't you just be normal? All you want it to be normal.
(But do you really believe that?)
xXx
Hogsmeade comes around faster than you anticipated. You feel a surge of jealousy roar up inside of you when you see Ernie all dressed up sharp for Hannah. He should be dressed up for you.
You tear your eyes away from him, pretending that your heart isn't beating ten times faster than normal, pretending that what you feel for Ernie is purely platonic.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
You can't ignore your heartbeat. You see Susan, and instead of it speeding up, it just stays the same. But you tell yourself that it's only because this is your first date, and you don't know her well enough yet. You tell yourself that the racing heartbeat and the sweaty palms will come later.
(But do you really believe that?)
As you sit in the Three Broomsticks, you realise it's your fourth date with Susan and your feelings for Ernie still haven't changed.
Even though you deny it, part of you has accepted that your heart is always going to thump thump thump whenever you see Ernie, and your blood is always going to roar roar roar when you watch him twine his fingers with Hannah's and your brain is always going to say, it should be me.
You watch Ernie put his arm around her shoulders, and kiss her and you feel the need to distract yourself, to make Ernie jealous. So you smile at Susan, and you draw her close and kiss her gently. It's your first kiss with her and you feel absolutely nothing. There is no fireworks, or sparks, and your heart isn't beating at a million miles an hour. There's just nothing. You sneak a glance over to where Ernie is, he catches you looking and smiles. You're so caught up in searching his face for any sign of jealousy that you miss the subtle clenching of his fists as Susan moves to sit closer to you.
"So does this make me your girlfriend?"
It's an innocent question, and yet it sounds so wrong. But you nod, and smile anyway, kissing her again.
It should be Ernie that you just kissed, Ernie asking 'does this make me your boyfriend?'. But it isn't. And it never will be, you think. You push down the bitter disappointment again, sending it to the lake of repressed emotions and closing the flood gates securely. It's normal. The kiss feels normal. Isn't that what you wanted?
You had been so caught up in Ernie, that it takes spilling Susan's Butterbeer to bring you back to reality.
Stammering out an apology, you grab a nearby napkin and start wiping it all up.
"I, ah, lets pretend that didn't happen, shall we?" You give a nervous laugh.
You meet Susan's eyes and instead of seeing the accusatory glare you expect from a person who just had Butterbeer spilt on them because you were so busy staring at your best friend, they are full of laughter.
"Forget about it," she says. "I'm a witch, remember? I can just use a drying spell."
You start to see that while you may not care for Susan romantically, that you love having her as a friend. She helps keep you grounded, and sane, and distracted when Ernie is around. Part of you wishes you could have fallen for her instead.
(But do you really believe that?)
xXx
Things start to turn around a bit one day when Hannah breaks up with Ernie.
You walk into the dorms, the sight that greets your eyes was so unusual that you double take.
"Ernie?"
You call out his name quietly. He's sitting on the bed, head in his hands and soft anguished sounds are coming from him.
Cautiously you approach him.
"What happened?"
He glares at you so forcefully that you recoil.
"What do you think happened? Hannah broke up with me. That's what. Do you want to know why?"
You don't respond. Instead you just watch him get up, and pace angrily around the room until he stops right in front of you.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
You hate the way your pulse jumps whenever he is near you.
"How do you know if you're gay, Justin? How do you know that you're in love with a boy you can never have?"
The sudden shift in his tone catches you off guard, and you think for a moment that he is talking about you. Panic overwhelms you, like someone has opened the flood gates.
Does he know that you're in love with him? Does he know how jealous you get when you see him with Hannah? Did he see the little hint of relief that flashed over your face when he said Hannah left him?
"Do you know why she left me? It's because of you, Justin."
The confusion must have shown on your face, because he continued, ignoring the look of pain and hurt that flashed across your features. You feel like you're sinking deeper and deeper in your lake of repressed emotions, and that with every word Ernie says is like a weight in your shoulders, dragging you down down down.
"She claims, Justin, that I'm in love with you. She says that she has known for a while now, but she's only just realised that you're in love with me. She 'doesn't want to get in the way' of me and you."
You are completely numb. His words are like a knife that cuts deeper and deeper, but you can't feel it anymore.
"The thing is, I loved her. I really really loved Hannah, and now she's left me, because of you."
Ernie had tears flowing down his face, his voice rising to a crescendo and pushing you deeper under the water.
"How do you know you don't love me?" You whisper quietly, finding courage from a place you didn't know existed.
Ernie looks taken aback.
"How do you know you feel nothing, when we've done nothing? Kiss me, then look me in the eye and tell me you don't feel a single thing, and we can forget about it, pretend it didn't happen."
Your tone has a challenging lilt to it, but inside you're quavering. It's wrong, how much you crave his touch, his kiss, his existence. You shouldn't feel like this but you do and most of all, you don't even care.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
Suddenly his lips are on yours, and this time there is fireworks, this time your palms get sweaty and your heart races faster than the speed of light. Instead of your usual disappointment all you feel is ecstasy. Pure, unadulterated bliss.
Someone whispers I love you, you think it was you but you aren't sure. Either way you're filled with a surge of warmth.
Suddenly he breaks off, looking at you with total shock and disbelief painted on his pretty face. You both look at each other wide eyed, biting your lips.
He shakes his head. "No, no no no no no, pretend this didn't happen, okay? Nothing. Happened. I felt nothing. I am not in love with you. Forget about it."
And with that, he runs out of the room, leaving you behind to feel the flood gates break, and stare at the shattered pieces of your heart.
He hates you.
(But do you really believe that?)
xXx
The days go past, eventually turning into long, painful weeks of Ernie not talking to you. He doesn't sit near you in the dining hall anymore, he doesn't speak to you in class, and he certainly doesn't acknowledge your existence in the dorm room.
He and Hannah are still broken up, she heard about what happened - she cornered you, actually and demanded to know. Hannah was always trying to fix things, but sometimes, they just couldn't be fixed.
You're still dating Susan, although it's more of a friendship than a real romance. She understands what unrequited, or unacknowledged love is like. You feel guilt gnaw at you for kissing Ernie in a way that you've never kissed her. But she doesn't seem to mind. You think it's reached a point where you've both realised you're better off as friends, but neither wants to be the first to say it.
You can't handle this isolation from Ernie. Every day you feel your cuts getting deeper and your head going under. It gets harder and harder to keep the floodgates closed, harder to keep your head above the rising water.
Then one day it all changes. Hannah and Ernie are in the common room, they are arguing but you can't make out what they are saying. You see Ernie angrily storming out, and Hannah motions you to follow him. Susan just smiles, and waves you on. Without words being spoken, you know that was her freeing you of any obligation to her.
"Stop following me."
Thump. Thump. Thump.
"You can't avoid me forever, Ernie."
Thump. Thump. Thump.
"I can damn well try!"
You trail after him, eventually coming to a halt when you both reach a dead end.
Ernie slumps against the wall, you slide down beside him.
"Why do I feel like this, Justin? Why do I want to hold you and kiss you like this?"
You shrug, you've been asking yourself the same question and you still have no answer.
"I lied," he states simply, looking directly ahead, not at you. "I told you I felt nothing, when we kissed. The truth is that I couldn't handle what I felt. You're not the only one raised with strict parents, you know."
You still say nothing, but this time you lean your head on his shoulder.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
"I-," he pauses. "I love you, Justin."
You sit up, and look him in the eye and smile.
"I love you too."
Thump. Thump. Thump.
As he kisses you, you watch the shattered shards of your heart slowly begin to glue themselves back together again.
A/N. FINALLY FINISHED! At 2am...O.o.
Thank you to Sam and Teddy and Roo who helped me get through this fic, with lollies, encouragement, hugs, rat races and beta-ing.
It turned out angstier than I expected but oh well.
Please review, and let me know what you think!
xx
Liza