"Mimi, Mimi no." Roger cried in barely a whisper as he sat in the chair next to her bed clutching her limp hand.
"Roger, Honey she's gone." Maureen whispered putting her arms around his shoulders as his sobs shook his whole body.
"How? She was better. You saw her." he said looking up at her lifeless body. His beautiful Mimi. He had run away to get away from his feelings for her, but he couldn't get away from them. She was in his heart. She was his heart.
"Honey, she was just too sick. You heard the doctor. Her body was hanging on, but she was just too sick." she told him trying to comfort him as Collins stood next to the window and Mark stood on the other side of the room holding Joanne in his arms comforting her.
"How do I go on Mo? We looked for her for so long and now I lost her. She's gone. How do I do it?" he asked still crying.
"You just do sweetie. You put one foot in front of another until you're doing it without thinking." she told him as he leaned into her.
"I can't. I just can't." he told her sobbing into her shoulder.
"I'll help you until you can. Come on." she said coaxing him out of the chair.
"I love you Mimi. I'm sorry we didn't find you sooner." he whispered still clutching her hand.
"Come on Roger, we need to go." Maureen told him with her arms around him helping him take one step at a time.
"Should one of us call Benny?" Collins asked as Mark looked at him.
"Yeah, we should." Roger said looking up to everyone's surprise.
"OK. I'll call him when we get home." Collins said as they all left the room.
"Can you hail us a cab Collins, please?" Maureen asked taking money out of her jacket as they left the hospital.
"Sure." he said as she clutched Roger and Mark held Joanne in his arms. When they got in the cab, no one spoke a word. Collins got in the front seat while Mark held Joanne and Maureen held Roger in the back seat. When they got to the building, they got out of the cab and began walking up the stairs. Maureen stood on Roger's right side so he didn't have to stare at her apartment door.
"Roger, come sit over here." she told him leading him the couch.
"I'm gonna call Benny." Collins said as he went to the phone.
"Does anyone want any tea?" Mark asked as Joanne sat in the arm chair watching Maureen comfort Roger.
"Yeah, why don't you have some tea or something Roger?" Maureen told him as he stared at the wall. "Yeah, make him some tea." she instructed Mark as he looked at her in awe. He couldn't believe how calm she was. Everyone expected her to be a wreck. Maureen was notorious for her dramatics. But today she was comforting Roger.
"Benny said he'd be by sometime today." Collins said sitting on the couch next to Roger. "How you doin Roger?" he asked looking over at him.
"What?" he asked looking up at him snapping out of his daydream.
"How you doin?" he asked putting his hand on his leg.
"I'm OK. I'm just gonna lay down for a little while. Let me know when Benny gets here." he said getting up and almost robotically going into his room.
"Should one of us call Mimi's mother?" Collins asked as Maureen watched Roger close his bedroom door.
"Does anyone know how to get in touch with her?" Mark asked looking at Maureen.
"Um, we'll ask Benny when he gets here. I know they weren't speaking for a while, but yeah we should call her." Maureen said looking up at him.
"Are you OK Jo?" Mark aksed bring her a cup of tea.
"Yeah, I'm fine." she said quietly as she hugged her knees close to her chest.
"I'm gonna check on Roger. I'll be right back." Maureen said going to Roger's door. She gently knocked on the door. "Roger, I'm gonna come in, OK?" she asked slowly entering the room. He was laying on the bed sobbing quietly into a pillow. "Roger." she called out rushing over to him.
"Maureen, why? Why did she have to leave? I would have taken care of her. I loved her." he sobbed as she laid down with him. She held him in her arms and rocked him back and forth.
"I know sweetie, but she's not surrering anymore. She's with Angel now. They're probably tearing it up up there right now." she said smiling down at him.
"Yeah, they probably are." he said laughing despite himself.
"You know it." she said stroking his hair.
"But it was too soon. For both of them Mo." he said crying again.
"I know sweetie. I know." she said laying her head on his shoulder. She felt like crying. She had already lost too many of her friends and before she was 30 she was gonna lose more. But she couldn't. Roger was so lost and wounded, she needed to be there for him.
"Thanks for being here Mo. I can't do this by myself." he told her clutching her hand.
"Roger, I love you. You do know that, right? I mean, we've been through a lot together and some of it wasn't always good, but I love you. I'll do anything for you." she said leaning up to kiss his head.
"I know. I'm sorry for being a dick to you those times." he said turning his body toward her.
"It's OK sweetie. I know I deserved it a lot of times." she said caressing his stubbled cheek.
"No you didn't. I love you too and I treated you like crap." he said looking into her eyes.
"Well what's done is done. All that matters is now. And now, you are not gonna waste away in here. I'm not gonna let you. Mimi worked too hard to get you out of this damn loft to start living again. You need to pick yourself up and get out there." she said as he sat up.
"I know. She always wanted me to start performing again and I want to. Really I do." he said wiping his eyes.
"So then do it sweetie. I miss seeing you perform." she said sitting next to him.
"I miss performing." he told her leaning against the wall.
"So then do it. You need to start doing what makes you happy. I know it's hard losing Mimi, but you still need to live your life for her. It's what she would want you to do." she said shifting to sit next to him.
"I know." he said looking up at the ceiling.
"She was good for you, you know." Maureen told him smiling over at him.
"Yeah, she was. She taught me to live again. It would be a waste to sit in here for the rest of my life waiting to die." he told her as tears formed in his eyes again.
"Yeah it would. Roger, you are so much more than this disease you know. You are a talented, amazing person. You should be living your life rather than waiting to die." she told him reaching out for his arm.
"I know. Did anyone call her mom?" he asked wiping his eyes again.
"No, we were gonna wait for Benny to get here. No one knows how to get in touch with her." she said as he took her hand in his.
"I have her number. I'll do it." he said caressing her hand with his thumb.
"We can do it, Roger. If it's too hard for you..." she started before he interrupted her.
"No, I really should do it. I owe it to her." he told her leaning over to kiss her head. "Thanks Mo. You are a great friend. I don't know if I ever told you that before, but you are." he told her as she smiled up at him.
"No, you never did. Thanks." she said as he began to get up.
"I guess I have to start walking on my own sooner or later, so why not start now, right?" he said still holding her hand as he helped her off the bed and they began to leave the room.
"Roger, you are one of the strongest people I know. You can do anything you put your mind to." she said stopping him before they reached the door.
"Thanks Mo. You're not too bad yourself." he said pulling her into an embrace.
"Thanks. I have some pretty incredible friends." she said holding him in her arms before they left the room.
"Hey Rog, how you doing?" Benny asked as they emerged from the room.
"I'm OK. Or, I will be. How about you?" he asked him as the men hugged.
"I'm OK. I'm so sorry." he said patting Roger on the back.
"Me too. I know you loved her too." Roger said looking at him.
"Yeah, I did. But she loved you. With all of her heart." Benny said giving him a weak smile.
"I know and I got to tell her I loved her too." Roger said smiling back.
"Good. I was about to call her mom, do you want me to tell her anything for you?" he asked looking at him.
"You don't have to do that. I'll call her mom." he said as everyone looked on surprised.
"Rog, are you sure?" Collins asked looking up at him.
"Yeah, I gotta do it." he said looking at him.
"OK man." Collins said as Roger reached into his pocket for his wallet to get her number out.
"I'll be right back." he said going to the phone.
"How is he Mo? Really." Benny asked quietly as he hugged her.
"He's OK. He just needs to remember to breathe, you know?" she told him rubbing his arm.
"Good. He looks pretty calm. So do you for that matter. What's up?" he asked trying to lighten the mood a bit.
"I don't know, I mean Benny, do you realize we have only lost half of our friends and before we're 30 we're gonna lost the other half? I can't dwell on it too long. I have to be strong for the ones that are still here. I can mourn them when they're all gone." she told him holding back tears.
"I know. You're right. We're the ones who are gonna have to survive." he told her hugging her.
"Is everything OK?" Maureen asked as Roger came back over to the couch wiping his eyes.
"Yeah, she said she'd take care of everything and let us know when and where." he told her as he sat on the couch.
"Are you OK?" Maureen asked sitting next to him.
"Yeah, I am. She thanked me for everything I did for her and told me to thank everyone and said she would talk to us all at the funeral. She was actually relieved. She was glad Mimi wasn't suffering anymore." he said beginning to cry again.
"I know sweetie. You'll be OK. Just remember you just gotta breathe." she told him wrapping her arms around him.
"I know. Um, I was thinking of going to the Life Cafe tonight. You know, have a night to honor her on our own before we have to face everyone else." he suggested wiping his eyes again.
"I think that's a great idea Roger." Joanne said quietly as Mark looked up at her.
"Yeah, it is." Mark said smiling at her as he reached out to take her hand.
"One last hurrah. I think she would like that." Benny said smiling at him.
"Let me go get cleaned up and we'll go." he said getting up and going into the bathroom.
"Should we be worried about him in there?" Collins asked looking up at Maureen.
"No, he'll be fine." she said watching the bathroom door. It was the same bathroom they found April in 2 years ago. Her blood stained the bathroom tiles so badly. It took Maureen 3 weeks of scrubbing everyday with bleach to get it all out. Just when she thought she had it all, she found more. For a small woman of 5 foot 4 barely 100 pounds, she had a lot of blood. As Roger stood in the bathroom looking at his own reflection in the mirror, he couldn't help but think, it was down to him and Collins now. They had both lost the loves of their lives to this fucked up disease that made no sense. It doesn't discriminate and it doesn't play favorites. It ravages the body of who ever is infected with it. Some quicker than others. Angel's suffering dragged on. It broke everyone's heart, but Mimi was fairly quickly. One minute she seemed fine and the next she drifted away. Why is beloved Mimi? Why just when he found her again he lost her? He looked around and remembered what happened in this very room. April. That was 2 years ago. 2 years since he learned his fate. 2 years since he swore he'd never love again. And then Mimi came along and taught him real love. Loving Mimi made him realize that he didn't really love April. Not that he couldn't, but she wouldn't let him. Just as they started to fall in love, she introduced him to heroin and that numbed everything. His happiness, his pain, his heart. He was glad he got to love Mimi. His heart was closed for too long in their relationship, but he loved her. And he always would. He owed it to her to get out of the loft and live. Maureen was right. Mimi worked too hard to get his sorry ass out of the loft only to have him retreat back when he lost her. Getting him out was part of her legacy. He wasn't gonna disappoint her. As he finally turned on the water, he splashed it on his face before drying it off and reaching out for the knob.
"Here's to you Baby." he whispered smiling up to the heavens before going back out to the others.