Disclaimer: Yes, yes I know. I don't own Supernatural! But it sure is fun borrowing them from time to time. :)

As always special thanks to AlElizabeth for beta'ing my story!

Trust

Tag: It's pretty much from Season 4, but mainlySacrifice from Season Finale of Season 8.

Summary: Dean always knew that Sam trusted him when he was younger. Where did that trust go when they got older.

A/N: I've always known that trust is very strong emotion. It takes a lot to build it up, but it only takes one small thing to break it down. And then when it is broken it takes forever, even longer, to build it back up again.

Dean's POV

Trust. I remember a time when Sammy would trust me. No questions. No wavering. Just pure trust. It didn't matter what was going on around us. If I said something, he would believe me. It didn't matter whether it was from Bobby, Pastor Jim, or even Dad. If I said something, Sam would take it as gospel and would believe it only because I said it.

Lately though, that unwavering trust that he had with me began to falter. He began doubting me. I don't know when it started, but...that's a lie. I know when. It started when I died. When it was my turn to have my soul taken and sent to Hell, that's when the trust was gone. Because when I got back, I was with my Sammy, but he was different. He started running with a demon. A freaking demon. Then there was the blood drinking. I hated it so much. I tried everything. Nothing worked. Then there was that big fight. We both said some things that we shouldn't have said. My biggest regret was turning into my dad at that moment. I never should have said what I did. I called him a monster. I told him to leave. Yes, I was angry, but I just couldn't leave it alone. I tried calling Sammy afterward to apologize, but all I got was his voice mail. He didn't believe me. Sammy didn't believe what I said. Then after all that, he wants to leave. He thinks he's a liability. He couldn't be further from the truth. But, he's a big boy and I don't hold him back. I let him go. It hurt like hell but I let him get in that stranger's truck and leave. Even though my heart was screaming, DON'T GO.

It's amazing what happens when you've raised someone all your life and then they're just gone. I've told myself that it was for the best. It's what he wanted. I don't have to worry about anyone any more. It was total and utter bullshit.

The year that I stayed with Lisa and Ben was the worst year of my life. I loved Lisa and I loved Ben. But they were not Sammy. When Sam jumped into that pit, there was a hole in me that nothing could fill. Not Lisa. Not Ben. Not booze. Not even an 'apple pie' life. If there was no Sammy, I had no life. I was just a walking shell of who I once was. Sure I put on the perfect face of a suburbanite, but that was just for show. I missed my baby brother. And only the promise that he made me take was keeping me here and not out there trying to find a way to get Sammy back.

Then I find out that maybe the Winchesters don't have the rotten luck that I thought my family were cursed with, when Sammy came to my house. But that was short lived when I find out that he wasn't all there. It was the shell of my brother but it wasn't Sammy. I rode around with this shell for six months. Sam fighting me every step of the way since it was never secret that I wanted to get his soul back and have my baby brother back. There was no trust. I never thought I would look into his face and see nothing. No love. No remorse. Nothing. When we hunted, it felt like if I died it would be by his hand and not from whatever monster we were hunting.

When I made one ditch effort to getting Sam's soul back, I pretty much pleaded with him to trust me on this. Again there was no trust. When I get back, I see that he was trying to kill Bobby. That I couldn't have. It broke my heart, but I knew he was going to have to die. I couldn't do it anymore. I was actually giving up. After I strapped him in the panic room, all we did was look at each other and he knew what I was thinking. Before the night was out, he was not going to be alive. It just broke my heart that I was actually going to kill by brother.

But then Death comes and in his own way stops me and basically tells me that I need to have a little faith that it wasn't going to end that way. He did something that would guarantee that I would still be in the game. He gave me back my true reason to live; my baby brother.

Then just like that I was whole again. I had my baby brother back. I had my reason to keep going. Taking care of Sammy. It didn't matter that I had to make sure that Sammy didn't crack the "wall" that Death put up, so Hell wouldn't come flooding through. All that mattered to me was that Sam was Sammy and that empty feeling that I had was gone.

But not all things stay the way I hope. Sam's wall comes down. No thanks to Castiel. And now Sam's keeping secrets from me. It's like he still doesn't trust me like before. I try to impress upon him that whatever he's seeing that I'm real. That I'm his stone number one. But Sam feels he has to deal with this on his own. I try to get him to see that he doesn't have to, but the blind trust from before is not there. And my heart just sinks when I get that call that he's in a psych ward. It breaks my heart even more when he sounds like he's giving up. I can't have that. Winchesters don't give up. I'm going to fix this. I've lost too many people. I will not lose Sammy. Not again. And again, I get my baby brother back. At maybe the cost of a friend, (even though it was the same friend that caused this in the first place)

I wish I could say that everything went back to normal, but that just wouldn't be the Winchester's style. I get zapped to Purgatory. I'm there for a whole year. When I get out, I look for Sammy. Only to find out that during that whole year he wasn't looking for me. After everything that I've done for this kid he just forgets about me. The anger that builds up in me. Then not only did he not look for me, he didn't even look after Kevin. I never thought I could get so mad at him. Everything is wrong. Nothing feels right. Not any more. I don't know how to get things back the way they were. Part of me don't want to. Sam really hurt me. But I still can't shake the feeling of taking care of Sam. But the trust seems to be nonexistent, if it's even there. We're always at each others throats. Arguing all the time. Then we're both having to choose between Benny and Amelia and each other. Yeah, the illusion of trust is gone. What am I suppose to do? Sam's angry with me for that text, but I had no choice. Benny was my friend. I know I was out of line telling him that he was more of a brother to me than Sam was. I really don't think that. I really don't know why I said it. Benny be damned. I don't think that. Now what little trust that was in Sammy's eyes towards me is now completely gone when I sent that text. So I do the hardest thing that I could do; I tell him to go. I tell Sammy to go to Amelia. I knew he wouldn't be happy with me anymore so I just want him to be happy. So I tell him to go. But he surprises me. He stays. He had his choice to leave. Live that 'apple pie' life and be happy. But Sammy stays. Maybe there is just a little trust still there. Oh God I hope so.

Things begin to get back to normal. Little by little the hurt and estrangement disappears. Now we have these trials to do. I tell Sam that this should be on me, but Sam being Sammy gets in the way of this and now it's on him to do these trials. It's not suppose to be him. It's suppose to be me.

Sam tells me that everything is fine and that he's okay with these trials. Until I find out he's lying to me. He's still lying to me. He's still keeping things from me. But I don't know why Sam feels he can continue to lie to me and think that I won't find out. I practically raise that boy. I would just love to have that trust back.

After getting over the fact that Sammy's coughing up blood, I decided to let Sam know, even if that unwavering trust is not there, I will still stand by him. He will know that his big brother will always be there for him to lean on.

We get to the home stretch. We're down to the final trial. All he has to do is cure Crowley and he can close the gates of Hell forever. But I find out while I'm with Castiel helping him with the Angel trials that if Sammy finishes the last trial he will die. I can't have that. I make Castiel take me back to the church. I have to stop Sam. When I get there, and I tell him that he could die if he finishes. He throws a wrench in my heart that completely floors me. He tells me his confession. The entire time I am thinking that Sam's stopped trusting me. It turns out that he's been trying to get my approval. He believes that I don't believe in him. That his whole life he's been trying to live up to my expectations but he keeps falling short of the mark that he thinks I want. How could I do this to him? I have always prided myself in being able to read all of Sam's quirks. How could I have missed this? He believe that everything is in front of him as far as I am concerned. Oh how Sammy is so wrong. Now it's my turn. I never thought I would have to tell him, but I think that Sammy needs to hear this. And I stop him.

So now I put all my cards on the table and tell him everything.

"I killed Benny to save you. I'm willing to let this bastard and all the sons of bitches that killed mom walk because of you. Don't you dare think that there is anything past or present that I would put in front of you. It has never been like that. Ever. I need you to see that. I'm begging you."

And then it happens. I see it. Right behind Sammy's eyes. It was almost like he was looking at me for the first time. I haven't seen his eyes like that since before I went to Hell. But there it was. There was my Sammy.

"How do I stop?"

And in that one little question I knew that there was the unwavering, no questions asked, trust that I was looking for. Those four little words brought so much trust radiating from Sam's shoulders. There is was. There was my baby brother.

The End

A/N: I would like to thank everyone that has read my story! :) Please be kind and leave a review to let me know what you think about it! :)

Many Hugs and Kisses

Mandancie

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