Shepard resented maintaining his spectre status sometimes. It was mostly pretty handy. He got to go where he wanted with no questions asked and live off the radar due to the amount of privacy his position earned him. Knowing the Shadow Broker personally also aided him with living a relatively private life. Something his wife definitely appreciated. Saving the galaxy made Shepard even more of a celebrity, but he was used to the pictures and the questions. Jack was not made for the limelight and had even punched a photographer trying to get the couple's photo a month ago. Shepard paid the photographer off but gave him a warning not to come so close as he might get more than a broken nose next time.

The mission he currently was on was the reason he didn't like being a spectre so much anymore. The Council asked him to take a look at some shady arms dealers that were supposedly dealing Reaper tech. Intel on the group was scarce and anything mentioning Reapers automatically required a response by the Reaper killer himself. But Shepard had tailed these dealers around for 2 weeks and saw that they weren't dealing any Reaper tech. They were just selling arms and saying that the weapons were so powerful they could "kill a Reaper". The tech they had was mostly handguns, explosives, and a particularly nice geth rifle that Shepard was hoping would fall in his lap. None of it was incredibly dangerous and none it was Reaper level technology.

Any spectre could have gone on this mission, in fact a C-sec officer could have taken these guys. But with the firepower they were toting it was probably best that a professional like Shepard handled it. So he set himself on nice little bird's nest or sniping perch to watch the dealers make their next transaction. He wanted to make sure he had plenty of evidence showing that these guys weren't even close to having Reaper technology to put people's minds at ease. As he watched the deal go down he got a call on his helmet display that read PRIORITY ONE: MUST ANSWER. He sighed heavily as he knew exactly who it was.

"Yes dear?"

"Hey asshole. Guess who woke up alone for the billionth time."

"Jack you know I'm on a mission. It's almost done okay? I'll be home as soon as I wrap this up."

Jack sighs "It's been a week Shepard, if you would have brought me you would be done by now."

"Intel and reconnaissance isn't your thing Jack. You would have gotten bored on the second day and just killed these guys. By the way it's been 2 weeks."

"So? At least you would be home by now. And it may have been 2 weeks, but it's only been a week since I got bored fucker. Thanks for making my point for me though, you have been gone too long."

"Two more days tops Jack. I've almost got everything I need from these guys."

"Are they slinging Reaper stuff?" He could hear the worry in her voice. Everyone still was on edge from what the Reapers had tried to do.

"No, not even close. Just regular guns I could buy on Omega if I needed to."

"Then what the fuck is taking you so long!" Jack practically screams in his ear and he tenses at her screeching.

"Just making sure the job is done. That way people won't freak out about this."

The irony suddenly dawned on Shepard. Before the Reapers no one was scared enough to cause any action to prepare for them. Now when even the slightest hint of Reaper things are mentioned full armadas are brought together to confront even the possibility of the threat. Almost every lead was chased down to be proven false or just a rumor. Shepard supposed this was better than his previous situation of trying to get the galaxy to get its ass in gear while the robotic, genocidal maniacs were chasing him down. As he watched the turian arms dealer pick up and accidently drop a handgun he decided that this was much better than his previous endeavor. Jack wanted Shepard to come home however, which meant it was time to bring out the big guns and force him to come home early.

"Well that's just a shame Shepard. I was thinking if you came home tonight, I might let you do your favorite thing to me." Shepard freezes, part of his brain is still watching the deal go down but the rest of it is struggling not to imagine doing his favorite thing to Jack.

"I assume from your silence that you're intrigued? Then let me sweeten the image for you. I was thinking I would throw our sheets in the wash to make sure they smell awesome and are warm when you get here. I'd be wearing your N7 hoodie, the zip up one, and those low-cut shorts that let the cup of my ass hang out just enough that your tattoo is showing."

Shepard is getting lost in the imagery but tries to snap to by focusing on the mission. "Jack! Stop. Please. I promise I'll be home in two days. Two more days and we can do whatever you want okay?"

Jack talks seductively in a low tone "What I want? I want what you want stud. So how about you come home tonight and make up for what you have been missing?"

The image of Jack is playing in his head. Sprawled out on his bed wearing his hoodie with her ass on display showing off her N7 tattoo that was just for him. Those legs of hers dying to be touched, that playful smile she gives him because she knows how he turns into putty in her hands. Never denying her a thing if he can help it. His body ached for her and he imagined she missed him just as much. The soldier in him is strong however and he won't give in to temptations of the flesh in the middle of a mission.

"J-Just two days Jack, I promise."

Jack is impressed by her man's resolve, he never turns down a chance to do his favorite thing to her. In all honesty it was her favorite too. But she wouldn't admit to that. Time to press the final button then and melt his resolve into determination to be with her tonight.

"Awww. That's too bad Shepard I was hoping you would come home tonight so you could-"

He yells to interrupt her "No! Don't you say it. Please don't!"

Jack waits till he's done pleading and then whispers, "Cuddle me."

The call goes silent and Jack knows she has won the battle, Shepard can barely resist her in the first place. Getting to do his favorite thing? Cuddling her? She was pretty sure he would burn the universe down just to hold her hand, let alone cuddle her. So, finishing his mission early to do just that would be a piece of cake.

"You okay over there big guy? I know you miss me. Just come home tonight and you can cuddle me so HARD."

Shepard lets out the breath he had been holding and with it decides that he's going home and the guys he's watching fumble over the basic weaponry they had might have to die if they don't cooperate.

"Ohhhh you nasty bitch. You stay right there, I am on my way. I'm gonna cuddle you so good. I swear you better not be playing with me."

"I never joke about cuddling Shepard, you know me better." It was true, she secretly loved to cuddle with Shepard. Maybe not as much as he loved it but still enough to never hold it over his head.

"These guys might die for it, but I don't fucking care. You get ready, I'm cuddling your brains out tonight after I deal with these dumbasses." Shepard takes out his sniper rifle to fire some warning shots at the idiot trying to sell a 'Reaper killing Carnifex'.

Jack has a big smile on her face and replies "See you tonight."

6 hours later.

Shepard didn't have to kill the arms dealers, but one of them tried to pull a gun on him and got a shot to the arm in response. The two arms dealers were arrested by Alliance officers who were notified of the bust. Whoever had restrained them and dressed the bleeding arm of one dealer in medi-gel was nowhere to be found. Shepard had places to be, by his estimation it was still nighttime on Earth where his and Jack's condo was. Considering that his Normandy crew were mostly from Earth, it wasn't a problem to have shore leave there most of the time. But he hadn't taken the Normandy for this mission. Just a small personal ship that was going too damn slow.

He thought to just crash land his ship near his home but figured he might cause an incident if he took a straight shot down into Earth's atmosphere and then while his ship burned up jumped right out to airdrop into his condo. Only an insane person would do that. Right? The very alluring, and now permanently seared into his brain, image of Jack waiting to be cuddled practically drove him to the point of screaming at the customs lady who was trying to tell him he couldn't clear his guns through the spaceport. Some flashy spectre work got him the rest of the way and the sun had yet to come up.

He softly bludgeoned his way into the shared living space that he bought with his built-up credits and moved with the efficiency of a heat seeking missile toward his target. Finally, he made it to the bedroom to see his absolutely cuddlable biotic tucked into the covers. Just as he was about to enter the bed, her eyes shot open.

"Hey baby. I'm back."

"When's the last time you showered?"

"I showered in the ship while I broke several articles of law regarding space transit to cuddle you. Now make some room for me."

Jack's glare pierces through him "A sink wash doesn't count. Go wash up. Now."

Shepard stomps around the bed like a child "You're such a bully Jack. I just wanna get some cuddling done and what do you do? Tell me to go shower like my ship doesn't have a shower. It doesn't, but that doesn't mean…" his voice trails off as he enters the bathroom and the water cuts on quickly.

Jack calls out over the sound of the water "Hurry up while the sheets are still warm!" She remembers something "And use the soap I like! The one with the silly name!"

Jack is glad Shepard's home, she was super pissed at him for not taking her with him this time. Usually he always would take her, even if he protested her attendance due to the danger involved. But it was tough for both of them to get used to being civilians. Going cold turkey from the adrenaline of getting to kill assholes that deserved it could have drove them crazy. So instead they took it easy and only killed dumbasses who deserved it occasionally. An arrangement that worked for them quite nicely.

"-And another thing!"

Shepard had been fussing the entire time, mostly delirious from not eating or sleeping properly, but the sight of Jack inviting him into bed shuts him up. He places some underwear on quickly and finally gets to where he wanted to be. The two settle into the much practiced position of Jack curled into Shepard, hips at the same level with their legs intertwined comfortably. Both his arms are around her as he brings her back against his chest, his head slightly above hers due to the difference in height.

"I missed you Jack."

"I know you did dummy."

"I love you too."

Shepard places a kiss on her temple and she pushes herself back a bit to try to gain more contact with his warm body.

"I still don't get how this soap makes you want to cuddle."

"I know right! What weird part of my brain is messed up to the point that something called 'Fuck me silly', that's laced with pheromones, makes me want to cuddle?

"Well, we are weird folk you and me. But the universe is topsy turvy anyways Jack. We're just ahead of the curve."

"Damn right."

As the position has been set and optimal cuddling ensues, the psychotic biotic turned teacher and the Reaper killing spectre drift off into dreamland. Both of them happy that they made it out of the galaxy wide war to see the sunrise again, and then close the windows to go back to sleep.

I'm pretty sure its canon that both Jack and Shepard love cuddling so don't argue with me on this. Also, I thought this was funny and died laughing while writing it. RIP me. This is my first fic for Mass Effect and its meant to just be a funny oneshot. Thanks for reading it and I hope you don't die of laughter from it too. If you do, then RIP for you too.