A/N: This one is for KEPC, who constantly tries to bring happiness to the lives of S&A. This is PURE angst, so if you expect a happy ending, DO NOT read on.

This is the missing episode. Alex's funeral. It came to me and it wouldn't let go until I wrote it, so here is the product of that idea. Hope you like it.

The dark cloud that hovered above her head was metaphorical but it may as well have been bona fide. Stevie Hall-Ryan had a shattered heart. If she could have avoided this day, she would have. Even the presence of Xander wasn't enough to bring her any kind of joy on this day. The day she was to bury her husband, her best friend, the love of her life.

Stevie was seated on the edge of the bathtub in the paddock at Drover's Run, drawing absentmindedly in the ground with a stick.

Stevie LUVS Alex SH 4 AR Hall 3 Ryan

Stevie's darkest day was once giving up her daughter to Michelle. But that was nothing in comparison to the pain she felt today. She felt like her heart had been ripped out of her chest and stumped on. The physical blow was so intense that it left her constantly breathless. Stevie had been to funerals before, too many to count. She had buried friends, family members, she had buried the past and her hope for the future, but she had never felt this kind of devastation before.

Was this how Alex had felt when he had buried Claire?

"Stevie?"

She snapped her head up at the sound of a familiar voice. Walking toward her across the paddock was Tess McLeod, dressed in an elegant black dress.

Before Tess reached her, fresh tears welled up in Stevie's eyes. When she had imagined being reunited with her friend, the woman who had given her a life on the land, she didn't expect it to be on this day.

Tess sat down beside her on the tub and placed a comforting arm around her shoulder. "I'm so sorry, Stevie."

She nodded mutely. What else was there to say?

"How's Nick?" Stevie asked.

It was no secret that Nick and Alex were the best kind of brothers to each other. They'd supported each other their whole lives. It couldn't have been easy to hear that he had died the very day he had returned from Argentina. Stevie felt for him and for Tess and for every other person that had been better off for having him in their lives.

"He's okay," she answered. "He's worried about you."

Stevie finally turned her eyes on Tess. "He's gone, Tess. I'm never going to see him again. We didn't get enough time. If I had known this would happen, I would have done things differently. I would have told him I loved him years ago. I don't want to go on without him."

Tess took her hand. "You'll never have to. You remember what you told me when we thought Nick died?"

Stevie blinked. "You had baby Claire."

"Mm-hu. And you have Xander. Alex will always be here with you. Xander is half of him, and since Alex was a giant maybe even a little more."

Stevie actually laughed but the pain didn't subside.

Stevie knew all this, but even that didn't bring her the comfort and solace that Tess was going for.

The two women sat in silence for some time, before Tess finally told her that it was time to go. Stevie wasn't dressed yet. None of the other girls had been able to bring her much comfort either, but somehow having Tess there made things ease if only a minute bit.

Tess helped her get dressed and then finally it was time to go.

Alex was being buried in the same plot as Claire and Ruth. It was what he had requested in his Will. He had left Stevie his share in Killarny for her and their son. Xander would be the next heir to the Ryan emperor, though this made Stevie a little uneasy. The Ryan emperor had been nothing but trouble. Alex and Nick had constantly fought over it, thanks to Harry Ryan who always played them against each other.

"Are you ready?" Tess asked.

Stevie shook her head. She would never be ready for this day.

Tess took hold of her hand.

They met the girls in the kitchen. Xander was cradled in Grace's arms. Stevie didn't have the strength to hold him and so she left him settled in Grace's embrace.

Nick approached her as they stepped outside.

"Hey, Stevie."

"Hi, Nick. I'm so sorry."

"Me too, mate. He loved you. He talked about you every second that you were apart. He couldn't wait to start his life with you and Xander. God, Stevie, I couldn't think of anyone who would make a better father than him."

Stevie nodded. "Thanks, Nick."

…

Stevie's face was pale white when she took the spotlight.

"Alex was my best friend. I don't know how I'm supposed to say goodbye to him. I don't know how our son is going to live without knowing his father. Alex had wanted to be a dad all his life and when it finally happened, tragedy striked."

It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair.

For a moment Stevie couldn't find the strength to say anything else. She looked out at the audience. Nick and Tess were standing together, his arms around her. Grace, Regan, Taylor, Moria, Phil and Rose, all banded together, Xander in amongst them. Dave and Patrick stood side by side. Jaz and Ingrid remained close. Markus stood aside, alone. Stevie knew this day didn't just impact her life. Xander would never know Alex. Markus had barely gotten to know his brother. Rose had been torn from a second father figure. Dave and Moria had lost a long-time good mate.

Tears were evident in everyone's eyes. Most everyone felt pity for Stevie; she could see it when they looked at her.

Stevie took a breath and looked up at the sky. Was her husband with Claire now?

"Alex was everybody's mate and every girls desire. I know he wasn't perfect. In fact the best moments of my life were fighting with Alex Ryan. He was strong-willed, stubborn, pigheaded, romantic, loving, loyal. There isn't anything this man wasn't, except immortal. Oh how I wish he was…" she held back the sobs and forced herself to keep going. "I don't feel sorry for myself. I got a chance to be with the man I loved and for years before that I got to be his best friend. It's the life of Xander that I feel for. He will never know his father. He will never know how much Alex wanted him and already loved him."

"Stay strong, Stevie," his voice called from somewhere deep within her. "Don't fall apart now. You're nearly there, cowgirl. Be strong."

Stevie took comfort in that inner voice and pressed on. "There is a loss here today that no other person could fill, a void that will always be open. Alex Ryan, I love you so much it hurts. I hope wherever you are, you are happy and at peace. Goodbye Alex Ryan. Goodbye, my love, my heart, my soul."

Finally, she stepped away and watched as they lowered the coffin to the ground.

Stevie chose not to bury his hate with him, though Alex always wore it with pride, proud to be a country boy. Alex would have wanted his son to wear it and so she held onto it until he was old enough to inherit it. Instead, she lay an empty box of chocolates on the coffin.

No one else but her knew the story of how he was her décor boyfriend. How he pretended to be so, because she had asked him to. He was always willing to play along with whatever game she asked of him. They had always been playful, happy, animated and those were the memories she would carry with her until the day she died, the memories that she would share with Xander as he grew into a man.

There was an numbness that enveloped her and just for a moment she was able to breathe again.

A/N: I can't believe how hard this was to write. Obviously no matter how many years pass and how long it's been since I actually sat down and watched the series, it still affects me as much as it ever did. It feels like I've lost good friends. The characters had always seemed so REAL to me. I know that's nuts, but it's how I feel. This show was my solace when I was going through some really tough things.

Anyways, enough of me. Leave a review if you like. Thanks for reading. =)