The Balamb Ladies Man
by Mariye
Disclaimer: I don't own the ladies man sketch or the FF8 characters.
But doesn't Irvine just seem like the perfect ladies man? Plus he now
gets a lisp :)! He has to have a lisp to say Cavatheay right? Course!
Warning: This does have bad language and references, so if you like
clean fics, turn back now.
______________________________________
Irvine leaned back against the couch in the dorm rec center. Selphie,
Quistis, Rinoa, Squall, Zell, and him had just finished watching SNL.
"Man, that episode of SNL was great. Especially the Ladies Man. Man,
I wish I could be like him and get women," He said.
"Instead of scaring them off?" Zell said. All the others laughed.
Irvine laid back his head and closed his eyes....
----- in la la land -----
{du do ti to du do!}
Voice: And now its time once again, for the Balamb Ladies Man.
[Irvine walks out and sits down]
Irvine: Hello all you beautiful Garden Ladieth. I am the Ladieth Man
Irvine Kinneath. Tonight we have a very thpecial show for you. How are
you all tonight? I got my Cavatheay right here, so I'm doing alright.
[Cid walks in]
Cid: Is that liquor?
Irvine: It ith my Cavatheay.
Cid: Well, sine you sound plastered, I'm assuming its liquor. Hand it
over.
Irvine: What? No man! Thith is unfair and uncalled for. Here, have a
thot and we'll talk it over.
Cid: No. Do you want me to get Thquall, I mean Squall out here and
have him MAKE you give it up.
[Irvine shifts in his seat]
Irvine: Thee now we're gonna have a problem with that. I don't exactly
thwing that way, ethept for thith one time, but then it wath a team
kinda thing, tho that ith kinda different.
[Cid grabs the bottle and walks away]
Irvine: Ehem. Well, today we are going to do thomething that I know
you will all enjoy. It ith that time of year again when I choothe my
thpecial Garden Fethtival thkank (its supposed to be skank. its hard
to spell when you're writing a character with a lisp! o^-^o). Now
letth meet our lovely ladieth. We are going to choothe them in a new
way. I will announthe all of them, and then you, the audienthe will
clap to regithter your vote for the official Garden Fethtival thkank.
[the scene expands to show three women sitting on chairs with bags on
their heads.]
Irvine: Thkank number one ith a rethpected Inthtructor. Give it up for
Quithtith.
Quistis, Rinoa, and Fujin take off their bags.
Quistis, Rinoa, and Fujin: Who?!?
Irvine: Quithtith!
Q, R, and F: Huh???
Irvine: QUITHTITH! QUITHTY! The Q lady!
Q, R, and F: Oh, Quistis.
Irvine: Thatth what I thaid. Q lady, tell us about yourthelf.
Quistis: Well, I am into whips. I am very intelligent, and I have my
own fanclub dedicated to my beauty and body.
Irvine: And what a body it ith. Alright, audience, what do you think
Q Lady?
[clap........clap.........silence]
Irvine: Alright, I think thatth a no. Letth go athk and audience
member why he didn't think thee would make a good thkank. [goes up to
Zell.] Well?
Zell: Hi Mom! Okay, she's too respectable. And look at how sweet and
innocent she looks! Plus she's smart. Everyone knows skanks are
stupid.
Irvine: Thank you. And now, our netht guest. Fujin. Fujin, what do you
have to say?
Fujin: HOT. STRONG. WOMAN OF FEW WORDS. RAGE. CAUTION.
Irvine: rew wordth, you ain't kiddin. Alright, audience?
Raijin and Seifer stand up: Hell yeah! Go Fujin!
[no one else says anything.]
Irvine: Yeah, well, thorry. Tho, by default, Rinoa becometh our
official thkank.
Rinoa: What? No! [gets teary eyed] I'm not a skank! Squall is only
even my second boyfriend! I've never even made out with a guy! I'm a
good girl! Please! Please no! Quistis is the one who's into whips!
And Fujin is always with Raijin and Seifer! [starts sobbing]
Irvine: Aw look, Rinoa'th crying tearth of joy.
[Squall steps in.]
Squall: What the hell? What are you thinking and saying.
Irvine: [stands up and shakes Squall's hand] Congradulationth. Your
girlfriend ith a thkank.
-----PUNCH!!!!!!!!!-----
"Ow! Wait, what happened? Where's my set?" Irvine opened his eyes to
see Squall staring angrily in his face.
"You were asleep and talking. And you had this funny accent too! You
called Rinoa a skank, actually, you said thkank." Selphie jumped up
and down. "And you called Quistis and Fujin one too!"
Zell and Quistis were laughing on the side. Rinoa was pulling Squall's
arm.
"He was only dreaming Squall. He really doesn't think I'm a skank.
Say you don't Irvine. Squall has that crazy look in his eyes..."
"I think Rinoa is an angel Squall. A sweet innocent. Please stop the
pain!"
"... Fine..." Squall backed off. Irvine stood up.
"So did I say anything else?"
"No, you announced Quistis, Rinoa, and Fujin, you called Rinoa a
skank, and you were mumbling about cavatheay." Zell said in his best
lisp.
"Cool, so I didn't say anything about Quistis and her Trepies and her
love of whips." Irvine gave a sigh of relief. then his eyes shot
wide open.
"WHAT ABOUT ME?" Quistis yelled.
"Um, gotta run!" Irvine ran out with Quistis running behind him.
[the end]
by Mariye
Disclaimer: I don't own the ladies man sketch or the FF8 characters.
But doesn't Irvine just seem like the perfect ladies man? Plus he now
gets a lisp :)! He has to have a lisp to say Cavatheay right? Course!
Warning: This does have bad language and references, so if you like
clean fics, turn back now.
______________________________________
Irvine leaned back against the couch in the dorm rec center. Selphie,
Quistis, Rinoa, Squall, Zell, and him had just finished watching SNL.
"Man, that episode of SNL was great. Especially the Ladies Man. Man,
I wish I could be like him and get women," He said.
"Instead of scaring them off?" Zell said. All the others laughed.
Irvine laid back his head and closed his eyes....
----- in la la land -----
{du do ti to du do!}
Voice: And now its time once again, for the Balamb Ladies Man.
[Irvine walks out and sits down]
Irvine: Hello all you beautiful Garden Ladieth. I am the Ladieth Man
Irvine Kinneath. Tonight we have a very thpecial show for you. How are
you all tonight? I got my Cavatheay right here, so I'm doing alright.
[Cid walks in]
Cid: Is that liquor?
Irvine: It ith my Cavatheay.
Cid: Well, sine you sound plastered, I'm assuming its liquor. Hand it
over.
Irvine: What? No man! Thith is unfair and uncalled for. Here, have a
thot and we'll talk it over.
Cid: No. Do you want me to get Thquall, I mean Squall out here and
have him MAKE you give it up.
[Irvine shifts in his seat]
Irvine: Thee now we're gonna have a problem with that. I don't exactly
thwing that way, ethept for thith one time, but then it wath a team
kinda thing, tho that ith kinda different.
[Cid grabs the bottle and walks away]
Irvine: Ehem. Well, today we are going to do thomething that I know
you will all enjoy. It ith that time of year again when I choothe my
thpecial Garden Fethtival thkank (its supposed to be skank. its hard
to spell when you're writing a character with a lisp! o^-^o). Now
letth meet our lovely ladieth. We are going to choothe them in a new
way. I will announthe all of them, and then you, the audienthe will
clap to regithter your vote for the official Garden Fethtival thkank.
[the scene expands to show three women sitting on chairs with bags on
their heads.]
Irvine: Thkank number one ith a rethpected Inthtructor. Give it up for
Quithtith.
Quistis, Rinoa, and Fujin take off their bags.
Quistis, Rinoa, and Fujin: Who?!?
Irvine: Quithtith!
Q, R, and F: Huh???
Irvine: QUITHTITH! QUITHTY! The Q lady!
Q, R, and F: Oh, Quistis.
Irvine: Thatth what I thaid. Q lady, tell us about yourthelf.
Quistis: Well, I am into whips. I am very intelligent, and I have my
own fanclub dedicated to my beauty and body.
Irvine: And what a body it ith. Alright, audience, what do you think
Q Lady?
[clap........clap.........silence]
Irvine: Alright, I think thatth a no. Letth go athk and audience
member why he didn't think thee would make a good thkank. [goes up to
Zell.] Well?
Zell: Hi Mom! Okay, she's too respectable. And look at how sweet and
innocent she looks! Plus she's smart. Everyone knows skanks are
stupid.
Irvine: Thank you. And now, our netht guest. Fujin. Fujin, what do you
have to say?
Fujin: HOT. STRONG. WOMAN OF FEW WORDS. RAGE. CAUTION.
Irvine: rew wordth, you ain't kiddin. Alright, audience?
Raijin and Seifer stand up: Hell yeah! Go Fujin!
[no one else says anything.]
Irvine: Yeah, well, thorry. Tho, by default, Rinoa becometh our
official thkank.
Rinoa: What? No! [gets teary eyed] I'm not a skank! Squall is only
even my second boyfriend! I've never even made out with a guy! I'm a
good girl! Please! Please no! Quistis is the one who's into whips!
And Fujin is always with Raijin and Seifer! [starts sobbing]
Irvine: Aw look, Rinoa'th crying tearth of joy.
[Squall steps in.]
Squall: What the hell? What are you thinking and saying.
Irvine: [stands up and shakes Squall's hand] Congradulationth. Your
girlfriend ith a thkank.
-----PUNCH!!!!!!!!!-----
"Ow! Wait, what happened? Where's my set?" Irvine opened his eyes to
see Squall staring angrily in his face.
"You were asleep and talking. And you had this funny accent too! You
called Rinoa a skank, actually, you said thkank." Selphie jumped up
and down. "And you called Quistis and Fujin one too!"
Zell and Quistis were laughing on the side. Rinoa was pulling Squall's
arm.
"He was only dreaming Squall. He really doesn't think I'm a skank.
Say you don't Irvine. Squall has that crazy look in his eyes..."
"I think Rinoa is an angel Squall. A sweet innocent. Please stop the
pain!"
"... Fine..." Squall backed off. Irvine stood up.
"So did I say anything else?"
"No, you announced Quistis, Rinoa, and Fujin, you called Rinoa a
skank, and you were mumbling about cavatheay." Zell said in his best
lisp.
"Cool, so I didn't say anything about Quistis and her Trepies and her
love of whips." Irvine gave a sigh of relief. then his eyes shot
wide open.
"WHAT ABOUT ME?" Quistis yelled.
"Um, gotta run!" Irvine ran out with Quistis running behind him.
[the end]