It had been less than a week since the battle at the Burren, and Jace still hadn't been able to see her. It was eating him up inside, not knowing if she was okay after what he had done. Everyone had assured him it was for the best, that surely that was the only way he could have freed Clary from Sebastian's hold, but it wasn't enough. Every time he closed his eyes he saw her. The shock and pain that overcame her as he plunged the Angel's blade into her. It was horrible, and he had no way of knowing if she was okay. Sure he had been reassured by Brother Zachariah, but until he could actually see her and make sure she was okay after what he had done, nothing would appease him.
Finally, after five agonizing days of being in the dark, Jace was allowed to see her. He snuck away from his family late in the day, hoping to spend some time alone with her before everything went into chaos yet again. He found her sitting in her bed in the infirmary, covered in the pristine white sheets. Her bright hair tumbled down around her in waves, shielding her face from his view. She seemed tense, and as he moved closer to her he discovered that she was drawing in her sketchbook.
"Clary" He said tentatively, not wanting to disturb her focus.
She looked up from her lap and locked eyes with him. For a split second it seemed as if she was upset, her eyes looking redder than usual, but the corners of her mouth slowly morphed into a grin. He felt relief course through his body, she was happy to see him.
"Jace! I'm so glad you came."
She scrambled off of the bed and moved over to him, throwing her arms around his neck. He hugged her back, his arms wrapping tightly around her waist. He hadn't realized how much he missed being with her, the real Clary, not Sebastian's minion. He lifted her higher, causing her feet to leave the ground, and walked them back over to her bed. He set her down gently and she scooted over to make room for him. Crossing her legs she sat up and stared at him. She seemed happy, a little too happy considering what they had just been through.
"Clary.." he began, unsure of how to phrase his question. "How do you feel?"
She drew a shaky breath but her smile remained when she answered. "I'm fine." she said simply.
He looked into her emerald eyes, trying to figure out what she was keeping from him.
"Clary, please, I know you, and I know that you aren't okay." He pleaded, trying to get the truth out of her.
She looked down to her lap, avoiding his eyes. "It's just.." she started, her voice strained. " I haven't been able to eat. I haven't been able to sleep. I just can't stop thinking about what I did." Her eyes turned glossy as the tears welled up, threatening to spill over.
"Clary what are you talking about?" he asked gently, his confusion evident.
"Everything I did while we were with Sebastian. All of the innocent people I killed."
She was crying now. Tears streaming down her face, leaving wet tracks on her cheeks.
"Clary, none of that was you. Sebastian was controlling you, you didn't know what you were doing." he tried to reassure her.
"Didn't I? I wasn't possessed Jace. Sebastian may have been influencing me, but I knew what I was doing. The way I hurt all those people so easily, it was like I enjoyed it, and I can't help but think that maybe I'm not so different than Valentine or Sebastian after all. I'm a monster."
And just like that, Jace felt his heart shatter into a million pieces. She had broken. Her tears were flowing faster now, dotting the white comforter beneath them, her small frame shaking.
"Clary listen to me." Jace started, lifting her chin so that she was staring directly into his eyes.
"You are nothing like your father, nothing like your brother. You are one of the bravest, kindest people I have ever met, and I know that you may not believe me, but I promise you that the real Clary would have never done any of those things." He stroked her cheeks with his thumbs, wiping away her tears. "You are not a monster okay? In fact you're nothing short of an angel."
She made a strange noise, something between a sob and laugh.
"Do you believe me?" he asked.
She cast her eyes down for a few seconds before raising them to meet his yet again. She nodded slowly, and he saw the desperate look of gratitude in her green orbs. He moved closer to her, pulling her into another tight hug. He held her head against him while she continued to cry, her hot tears soaking through his shirt. She had buried her face into his shoulder, her arms clutching him tightly. He continued to reassure her, moving his free hand up and down her spine. He remembered a time much like this when she had been his rock while he cried, she had held him for what seemed like forever, until his tears had stopped coming. He would be there for her now, as she had been for him.
They stayed wrapped up in each other for a long time. Until finally the stream of tears lessened and she pulled away from him.
"Thank you Jace."
"I meant what I said Clary, I'm always gonna have your back."
She smiled at the memory, it had seemed like so long ago. If only they had known then the horrors they would have to endure.
They sat on her bed for hours. Jace filling her in on all that had happened after the battle. He took her hands into his lap and fiddled with her fingers, feeling the need to maintain their contact. It was almost completely dark outside by the time Brother Zachariah came to tell him he had to go. He hated to say goodbye, not wanting to leave her alone. Bending down, he pressed a soft kiss to her forehead, before ducking down to whisper in her ear.
"I'll be back" he said playfully, his face erupting into his famous smirk.
She couldn't help but giggle quietly, nodding.
Jace walked over to the door, turning to give her one last smile before disappearing into the hall. Clary crawled back under her blankets and rested her head on the pillow. Her exhaustion making itself known as she let out a yawn. Finally for the first time in days, she allowed herself to drift off to sleep, knowing that she would soon be awoken by Jace, slipping into the bed with her, ready to fight off whatever demons her slumber brought her.