Okay, I'll admit things were a little rocky there for awhile. I mean, I guess it started when my mom left. Yeah. That's when things started to suck. And I was so young then. Just so freaking young. Eight years old, that was it. She leaves. Of course I thought it was my fault. That was when I first had the idea that I was a terrible kid.

But things were better now. It was grade 11 and things were cool with Joey. They were. Things could be a little weird at times just because we don't really know where we stand. It's weird to just jump into this whole new situation like I did. I was 14 and suddenly I had this whole new family. And I knew it was weird for Joey to have me just move in with them like that. I didn't live with them at all when my mom was still alive, I barely visited. My dad wouldn't let me and we didn't live that close then, anyway. So then it's like totally new for Joey, he's suddenly the parent of a teenager. But whatever.

Things were finally okay. It was cool with Joey and Angela and I didn't think of my parents like I used to, not with the intense kind of sorrow and anger and this, this almost bitterness. That was fading. They say time heals all wounds and maybe that's true, or at least more accurate than I thought.

This year what I really wanted was to patch things up with Ashley somehow. Maybe we could at least be friends. Maybe she would at least talk to me. Man, did I screw things up with her. I can make all the excuses in the world but when it comes down to it I let her down. I broke her trust. That's what I did. But this year maybe I can earn it again.

The start of the school year is always right around my birthday. I'm not all that thrilled with birthdays or holidays because they kind of remind me of the birthdays and holidays that had come before. I just don't like that nostalgia thing. I like the regular days that don't remind me of anything.

My locker is all decorated and the first thing I think is that maybe Ashley did it. She knows it's my birthday. Maybe she wants to patch things up, too. So I see her walking toward me and I try to talk to her but it's all stutters and she gives me that look. Her looks are priceless. This look is like she can't believe I'm trying to talk to her with this layer of disgust. She's still mad. I hung my head, stared at my sneakers.

Then I see Marco coming toward me dressed in this bizarre blazer with a tie and pointy shoes. I shook my head and laughed. He had some outfits that were, well, out there. He'd wear them around the first days of school like it was his own private fashion show. I didn't get it. It must be a gay thing. I could barely coordinate my clothes. I just wore jeans and T-shirts and sneakers. Everything matched jeans so I was good.

"Jesus, go to the mall lately?" I said to him and he smiled, spread his arms wide so I could get the full effect of the outfit. It was lost on me.

"Like the locker?" he said, and I hoped the disappointment didn't show on my face when I fully realized that Ashley had nothing to do with the locker. I mean, before, I thought maybe she was just being shy or whatever. But she wasn't. I had just been delusional. It was cool that Marco went to all that trouble and everything.

"Thanks," I said, and put my arm around him.

1111111111111111111111111111111111111

All I wanted for my birthday was like cake and ice cream with Joey and Angela. I didn't need my friends over with balloons and shit or Joey's parents with gifts that Joey told them to get, politely eating cake. I didn't need that and I didn't want that. I just sort of wanted my birthday to go away every year. But cake and presents were cool.

"Hold on, Caitlin sent a tape," Joey said, slipping this tape into the VCR. I sat in the chair by the table with this paper crown that Angie had made for me on my head. The tape started up and it was Caitlin in some ridiculously hot looking place with palm trees and swamps behind her and she was sweating. So she's talking about the best years of my life and all of that. I closed my eyes. That was kind of bullshit. I knew that. I guess childhood and being a teenager could be the best years of your life if things went okay. They could also be the worst years.

I didn't really feel much for Caitlin. I mean, I liked her. She was cool and everything and she was Joey's girlfriend and everything and maybe they'd get married, maybe they wouldn't. I didn't know. But for me, she wasn't like a mother figure or anything. Actually, Joey was more like my mom than she was.