This is a couple chapters of scenes that people asked me to write based on a line from Chapter 4 of one of my other stories "This Thing of Ours" when Deacon mentioned that something improper might have happened 11 years ago on a tour stop in Denver. In chapter 4 of the other story, Rayna has gone up to the cabin to find a little peace and think about things, and Deacon is there. She knows she should probably go. But she stays anyway. Your imagination can take care of the rest.
There was something surreal about waking up in that bed, at the cabin. Like going back in time 20 years. Everything was the same. Once Deacon got things the way he liked it, he didn't change things. Ever. He was not a creature of change. Sometimes she wondered if that was part of the reason he'd held onto her so hard all these years. It was just easier than letting go.
She sighed and rolled over in bed, but the spot next to her that had heated her all night was empty. Her eyes traveled the walls, all the things that were still here same as they always had been.
Her gaze landed on a framed poster from the 1993 Hearts Stars and Guitars tour that had a giant close up of her and Deacon onstage in the middle, and a list of the 100 tour dates that year. That had been one of her best selling tours ever. They'd sold out almost every arena on the list, and she'd gotten three CMA nominations from the album that followed.
She crawled out from underneath the warm blankets and walked across her room to run her fingers up and down the location lists on the poster. Her finger stopped at the one halfway to the bottom, and Deacon's words from yesterday came back to haunt her.
"What are you doing here? Maddie's fine, so what's your excuse going to be next time?"
"There isn't going to be a next time!"
"I seem to remember a night in Denver you saying the same thing. Did you ever tell Teddy about that?"
Denver. The memories came flooding back in a rush of nostalgia and guilt so powerful, she leaned her against the wall and the poster for a minute to catch her breath.
Denver, CO 2003
Rayna was supposed to go onstage in 10 minutes in front of 25,000 screaming fans.
She wasn't supposed to be sitting in the dressing room in her sequined silver dress trying not to cry off all the makeup the glam squad just spent two hours putting on her.
Teddy had left barely half hour ago to catch a flight back to Nashville with Maddie.
"I'll see you in a few weeks when I'm off for a couple days, okay baby?" She had kissed the top of her sweet four year old's light brown curls and hugged her close.
"Okay Mama," Maddie had said absently, more interested in the sucker in her hand from one of the crew. She was used to this by now. The leaving. The goodbyes.
Sometimes the guilt ate Rayna alive, even though she knew the leaving was a lot harder on her than it was on Maddie. But Maddie was a well adjusted, easy going little girl, excited that she had started preschool a couple months ago. Rayna couldn't take that away by bringing her on tour.
"Go on with Rachel," Teddy gently took Maddie away from Rayna and handed her to the babysitter who sometimes travelled with them. "I'm going to say goodbye to mommy and I'll meet you two out front, okay?"
Somehow Rayna didn't think this goodbye was going to be a sweet one laden with affectionate kisses.
Maddie disappeared with Rachel close behind, and a few second later Rayna heard her yell "Unca Deacon!"
"Hey sweet girl," his voice floated back towards them through the open door. "You going home today?"
She could hear the way Deacon's voice lit up just to see her, same way as it always did.
Rayna closed her eyes, closed out the sight of the scowl that immediately crossed Teddy's face. Deacon was reason number two why Teddy had insisted on Maddie not being allowed to go on tour with her anymore.
"She's MY daughter, Rayna. You're disrespecting every corner of our marriage by letting her spend time around Deacon."
"My god Teddy, relax. She sings a couple songs with him and gets a piggy back ride once in awhile. It's not the end of the world."
Truthfully, Maddie had taken to Deacon from the time she was six months old and Rayna had brought her out on tour. It was Deacon's guitars that lulled her to sleep on the bus every night. It was Deacon she went to when she was acting up and mad at her mama for saying no.
Teddy didn't know that part.
With a defining crack, Teddy firmly shut the door.
"I don't think I should leave with us angry at each other," he said levelly.
Rayna raised her eyebrows and turned away from him, and started combing through her artfully styled curls with her fingers. "Well," she said coolly. "You should have thought about that before last night."
He rolled his eyes. "What are you making such a big deal about this?"
She couldn't even find the words to say how angry she was. And manipulated. She felt so used.
It was supposed to be a nice family weekend in Denver. She'd done two shows in Iowa and then they had almost three days off before the Colorado run started, so she was pleasantly surprised when Teddy called and said he'd like to bring Maddie for a few days.
And they had a great time, taking Maddie to the Denver Zoo and to ride the kiddie rides at the fairgrounds.
Teddy had been incredibly sweet the whole time, telling her repeatedly how he missed her so much, stealing kisses and keeping his arm around her. They'd gone out for a nice dinner with Maddie, brought her back to the hotel suite and gave her a bubble bath in the giant whirlpool tub. It felt good. Like a family should feel. She was proud of her little family. She was proud of herself for making it work. It was hard, but they were making it work.
After they'd tucked Maddie into bed in the other room, Teddy had made love to her with a fervor she hadn't felt in a long time.
Her anger rose again just thinking about it.
"That was nice," she murmured, laying on her side with her hands tucked under her cheek and her eyes closed.
"Yeah it was," Teddy said, sounding satisfied as he sat up in bed on the other side of her, hands behind his head, one hand controlling the remote.
Too satisfied. She rolled over and looked at him.
"Dammit Teddy," she realized. "You didn't use a condom." She'd been having trouble finding the right prescription for birth control pills since Maddie was born, and she'd stopped taking them again a few months ago, deciding instead to wait until she was back in Nashville and could see her regular doctor for a different prescription. It hadn't really been too much of a concern. Her and Teddy were not exactly burning up the sheets with passion.
It made her sad sometimes. Five years into their marriage and they might as well be sleeping in separate rooms. It seemed like so long since she'd felt that kind of fire.
Since her and Deacon had made Maddie.
She tried not to think about that anymore. Her and Deacon were in a good place. He'd been sober for four years now, they had a good thing going with him leading her band. Yeah, they had their moments. Like last week when they'd fallen asleep in her back suite on the bus working on a song. She'd woken up with her head on his shoulder and his eyes just watching her sleep longingly . He tried to hide it but she could see it sometimes when he thought she wasn't looking. The sadness. The ache to have what they'd once had back.
She felt it too. She felt it every damn day, every single time she was onstage with him.
But she had this family now, and this sweet precious little girl with his eyes. She knew she'd made the right decision for Maddie and for Deacon. To upset the life she had….to upset the careful path of sobriety he was trying to stick to would be pure selfishness.
So this is how it had to stay.
"I told you," Teddy said calmly. "I want to have another baby, Rayna. I've been telling you that for months."
She sat up and glared at him. "I cannot believe you would be so…selfish!"
"What's so selfish about wanting a child that's my own flesh and blood? I love Maddie, you know that Rayna. But I want our baby. Mine. I want to know that it's mine."
That felt like such a slap in the face, like he was throwing every one of her past sins back to haunt her.
"I can't even look at you right now." Rayna grabbed the pillow and one of the blankets off the bed and stomped into the sitting room to sleep on the couch in the suite. It was a long time before sleep found her though, she laid there in the dark willing away the tears that fell, and waited. She waited for Teddy to come out of the bedroom and say he was sorry, that he loved her and he didn't want to fight. Waited for him to come and say anything. But he didn't. She'd never felt so alone.
And now he was standing in front of apparently ready to continue that fight at about the worst possible moment.
She rubbed her temples wearily. "It is a big deal, Teddy. Maddie's only four, and there's just so much going on right now with the tour and the next album… it's not the right time."
"When, then Rayna?" Teddy said frustratedly, throwing up his hands. "When is it going to be the right time?"
"I don't know!" She bit back. "Maybe never. I don't know."
Her and Teddy almost never fought, except about Maddie. And now this. On the surface, they were a well-oiled machine, all the parts and gears turning perfectly. Too perfectly, sometimes she thought. She loved Teddy. She did. He was an amazing father, a doting husband, but there was no passion between them. They were five years into a marriage that felt like it had been 20 years.
Teddy gave her one last glare, flung open the door and stalked out.
She heard him, the way he put on a false front for every single person that had just seen him walk out.
"Come on, Maddie. Time to go."
"Bye Unca Deacon."
"Bye sweetheart. Be good for your Daddy."
She could picture the scene just on the other side of the wall, and it made her stomach role. Teddy hated Deacon. He always had. The two men put on a good face in front of other people when they were forced to be around each other, but the ones in her inner circle, they knew. It was all an act.
It wasn't the only thing that was an act.
She swiped at her eyes. Angry and herself, angry at Teddy.
"Hey," Deacon rapped on the open door and walked inside. "You ready? Five minutes."
"Yeah," she recovered her composure quickly.
His hand on her arm felt like fire.
"hey, you okay?"
"Yeah, it's just….hard saying goodbye to Maddie," she murmured.
"I bet. I have a hard time saying good bye to her and she ain't even mine."
Those things he said. She added them to the list in her mind with all the other references Deacon had made over the last four years that told her he had no idea.
"You sure you're okay?"
"I'm fine."
"I can tell the opener to throw in a couple more songs."
"Deacon," she said louder than she meant. "When I say I'm fine, it means I'm fine. It's none of your business anyway."
Deacon's hurt puppy dog look on his face was almost more than she couple handle. "Alright. I'll tell 'em you're ready."
"Ugh," wait. Deacon," she called. But it was too late.
Rayna took a few deep breaths to calm herself and counted to ten silently in her mind, and then she slipped her feet into the three inch heels waiting nearby and left the dressing room.
Deacon was waiting sidestage, staring intently on the opening band finishing up, his slung over his shoulder.
"Hey," she said, taking her place next to him.
"Hey."
Her eyes met his.
I'm sorry.
Me too.
"I want to put "It Matters To Me" in after we introduce the band," she said calmly. It was a new song she'd actually written by herself for once, and they were toying with the idea of making it the first single on the next album.
"Whatever you want."
His eyes. Wanna talk later?
I told you I'm fine.
You're not a very good liar.
It had always secretly marveled her that even after all these years, her and Deacon could have an entire conversation without saying a word, and her and Teddy can't try for more than five minutes to have a serious conversation without screaming at each other.
The show went off without a hitch, and then they launched into the brand new single. The last verse hit her particularly hard.
Baby I still don't understand
the distance between a woman and a man.
So tell me how far it is
and how you can love like this...
Cuz I'm not sure I can.
When we don't talk,
when we don't touch,
when it doesn't feel like we're even in love.
it matters to me
when I don't know what to say
don't know what to do
don't know if it really even matters to you
how can I make you see
it matters to me
When the setlist ended, the audience was on their feet cheering and demanding an encore. Normally she'd given them a few extra songs but tonight she just didn't have it in her.
Rayna gave Deacon a one handed hug like they always did at the end and raised her microphone. His voice next to her ear. "Talk later?" he repeated.
"Yeah," She swallowed hard and pasted the fake smile on her face. Smile and wave. Walk off the stage. Just keep walking. Yes there was press, there was crew people asking things of her. She probably answered them, but what she said she had no idea. She just needed to be alone in the safety of her dressing room where no one else could see her weakness, and she sighed in relief when the door with her name on it came in sight and she could close it securely behind her.
Her hand shook as she gripped the edge of the dressing room table. She covered her hand with her mouth and put her head down.
Bucky knocked on the door and stuck his head in. "You ready to go back to the hotel?"
Rayna waved him off. "I think I just need a few minutes Buck. You go on back. I'll walk, it's only a few blocks.
Bucky looked concerned. "You should take security with you."
"Bucky. I'll be fine."
Why did she have to keep saying that to people, she realized. And no one seemed to believe her. She was Rayna Jaymes. The next Queen of Country. She could handle anything. She certainly wasn't planning on folding up like a tent anytime soon.
When 2 am rolled around and security reported Rayna still wasn't back at her room, Bucky started to get concerned and called Deacon.
"I'll find her," Deacon said wearily as rubbed his eyes to adjust to the darkness in the hotel room. Well shit. "Bucky. Actually I think I just did." He flipped the phone closed and dropped it on the blankets.
"Who you hiding from?
Rayna was standing in the dark in his room leaning against the wall with her arms across her chest. She'd just started walking earlier, and it hadn't taken too long to find a tavern. She rarely drank more than a few glasses of wine. But one shot to relax herself had turned into five shots of whiskey and a round of maragaritas on some fans who recognized her. And now well….sometimes she thought she understand why Deacon had always struggled with his drinking problem. It just made all the hard stuff fade away for a little while. You could just float away and not feel anything.
Deacon sat up in the bed and ran his hands through his dark hair.
"My life," she said, her words slurring slightly.
"That never works, you know," he said quietly.
"You would know," she said with a lazy smirk. She flopped down on the edge of the bed.
"Rayna…are you drunk?"
"I am not," she said firmly. "Very. Well maybe a lil bit."
He climbed out of the bed and headed for the light switch.
"Don't turn the light on!" She demanded, and almost fell on her face.
"Dammit, Ray." He muttered, catching her before she did and helping her sit on the edge of the bed. She swayed, and brushed her hair out of her eyes haphazardly.
"Spill. What the hell is going on?"
Rayna turned away from him and flopped facedown into the blankets. "Teddy wants to have another baby," she mumbled.
His heart sunk. Because somewhere in the back of his mind, Deacon knew it was a game he plaved to punish himself. That it wasn't a real marriage between her and Teddy. That some day she'd bring that sweet little girl of hers and come to him, and he'd welcome both of them with open arms. But another baby…..That made it all real. Game over. "Well that would be nice, huh," he said carefully. "A sibling for Maddie and all. She'd be a great big sister."
"It would," Rayna's voice cracked. "But I don't want to make one with Teddy. I'm a horrible person, Deacon. I don't even want to make a baby with my own husband."
"Maybe it doesn't feel right now, but I'm sure it will some day. And you'd love that new baby when you have it, you know you will. You're a good mama, Ray."
"I'm not worried about the love part." She sat up on her knees on the bed, and her boobs all but threatened to spill out of the dress she was still wearing from the show earlier. "Not for my child."
It was damn good thing it was dark, because the effect that was having on him would have been obvious. She put her hands on both sides of his face, her palms soft against the scruff of his jaw.
"How bout we get you back to your room," he said softly, removing her hands. But then he didn't know where to put them, because she almost fell over, so her hands landed on his shoulders, bare because he'd slept with his shirt off, her fingers digging into his skin like she was holding on for dear life.
"I miss you," she whispered. "So much. I just miss feeling….wanted."
"You see me every day, Ray."
"That's not what I mean, and you know it."
So wrong. It was so wrong, and Deacon damn well knew it but it had been five years since the last time they'd been this close, and he was tired of it hurting so much, of feeling that pain inside him, of fighting the constant ache of being around her every day, and knowing they could never go back to what they'd been.
So when Rayna leaned forward and tentatively pressed her willing lips to his, he let her do it. She tasted like margarita salt and tequila, which was a game of Russian roulette in itself, inhaling the sweet taste of liquor on her lips and trying not to think about the four year sobriety chip he kept at home on his dresser, next to the silver ring she was never going to wear again.
Her arms went around Deacon's neck and she pressed her knees to both sides of his thighs and her body against his, and he would have to have been a dead man to push her away. It was like giving water to two people who had been wandering through the desert lost and dying of thirst. She might have had a wedding ring on her finger but he was no damn saint. He wanted to stop hurting. Just for a little while.
His hands came up to cup her ass and haul her in closer, and they were lost to all reasoning, as they tumbled backwards onto the bed, Rayna's shiny silver dress quickly coming up over her head and being tossed aside as she kicked off her pants and straddled his hips. There was a frantic feeling about it as her fingers clumsily yanked at the jeans he'd slept in, and they quickly ended up somewhere on the floor next to her dress. It was as if at either second one of them was going to realize the magnititude of what a terrible idea this was, and call it off.
"Slow down," he murmured. "Just slow down for a sec."
Rayna drew in a deep ragged breath as he leaned upwards and his tongue flicked one of her nipples, sending her into the stratosphere with barely a touch. This was passion. This was what it was supposed to feel like. Fire in your blood, electricity on every surface of your skin. There was some part of her inside that was twisted up so tight and hard that it physically hurt, and he barely touched her before and felt it all relax, unfold like a warm blanket being pulled over her entire body as his hands slid over every inch of her body reverently, skimming over her stomach and stroking between her legs.
"Deacon," she closed her eyes and leaned down to press her forehead against his, arching against his fingers inside of her, feeling like she was going to go over the edge any minute. "Please, I just….need this so bad."
"Baby, you're drunk and you're mad at Teddy, and we're both going to regret this tomorrow. You know that. "
He was right. She knew that in some part of the back of her mind that wasn't in an alcohol-induced haze.
In response Rayna leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to his collarbone. "You know," she whispered, her words coming out in a half sob. "Sometimes I think I wouldn't mind making a baby with you, Deacon." But then again, she already had once and he didn't know that. Part of her wanted to tell him. Just blurt it out right now. They could go off this tour and go home and get their baby girl and have the life together they deserved.
That look that he gave her was terrible, and it was one she'd see in her sleep for weeks every time she closed her eyes. Such a mixture of pain and regret and longing. She hated herself for hurting him. Again.
Deacon pulled her down on his chest and held her close, breathing in the scent of her hair, her perfume, everything about her he'd been missing for the last five years. This was wrong and they both knew it. So, so incredibly wrong, but she shifted her legs apart on top of his hips and he pushed himself inside of her and let the waves carry them both to a higher place he'd almost forgot existed. It was like coming home instantly, like it had only been since yesterday, not five years since the last time she'd let him make love to her.
He surrendered. Because with Rayna, he always had.
#############################
Rayna woke up in the morning wrapped in a white hotel sheet, her head pounding and her mouth as dry as sandpaper as she tried to recall the events of the night before. Drinking shots at the local bar was a little fuzzy….coming to Deacon's room. Oh god. Yeah, she remembered that, alright.
Deacon sat on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands.
Oh my god, she thought in horror. What have I done?
He turned and glanced at her over his shoulder, his eyes sorrowful.
"This can't happen again," he said quietly, but with determination. And sadness. "You're married, Ray. You have this career that's about to be huge. And this family. And I….I'd hate myself if I did anything to jeapordize that."
Taking the blame, he was, Rayna realized with a sinking heart. Just like he always did.
"it's not your fault," she murmured, gathering up her clothes. "I was here too."
He didn't say anything else. "You uh…you want me to order you some breakfast? You can use the shower if you want."
Rayna shook her head slowly as she pulled the wrinkled up dress over her head and tried to smooth it out. Hopefully there was no press staked out in the hallways or she was dead. They'd be all over her coming out of Deacon's room at 7 am, no matter what excuse she made up.
"I think I'm just…going to go back to my room and sleep a little longer," she winced as another pain shot through her head. "Damn, I forget how much I hate hangovers."
He gave her a small smile. "Right. Rehearsal at four later?"
"Sure."
She slowly hobbled towards the door, her heels in her hand.
He stopped her with a hand on her arm right before she pulled open the door. "I shouldn't have let it happen, Ray," he said softly. "I'm sorry."
She swallowed hard and stared down at his fingers on her skin, and then she looked up at him, her eyes misting a little. "You know what?" She said, taking a deep breath. "I'm not. " She leaned over and kissed his cheek. "Thanks for being there for me. You always are." And she slipped out into the hallway.
Deacon leaned against the door, stunned, raking hands through his hair and trying to regain his composure over the events of the last 24 hours. What the hell, Ray, he thought silently. What. the. hell.
################################################
Six weeks later as Rayna sat alone in the bathroom of a hotel suite in L.A. staring at a plus sign on a stick with an overcoming sense of dread, she wondered exactly the same thing.
What the hell, Rayna. What in the hell are you going to do now?
It was funny though, how a mother just knew. She spent the next nine months being scared to death that there was a very real possibility that she would be keeping two of Deacon Claybourne's children from him. The look on his face when her pregnancy was announced…she could see the wheels turning in his head and him doing the math. But months later when Rayna stared at that baby girl they placed in her arms, she could tell this one was Teddy's instantly. Just like she'd known Maddie was Deacon's before any paternity test confirmed it. From the tilt of the nose, to the curve of her tiny chin, Daphne Faye was 100% Conrad stock. A tiny piece of her heart felt the bittersweet sting of regret, but it was right. This was the way it should be. She had her two girls and this would be no more. She'd told the doctor she wanted her tubes tied after the c section, and he had reluctantly obliged.
"You wouldn't like to bring your husband in on this discussion?"
Rayna bit her bottom lip. "I don't want him to know."
The doctor raised her eyebrows. "Honesty might be the best policy."
"It might," she agreed. "But I'm paying you a lot of money to do ask I ask, please."
And Deacon had been right. She might have been unsure about having another child, but she loved this little girl just as much as she did her sister, and it brought a contented peace to her heart to know they'd grow up having one another to face the world together.
Her marriage to Teddy wasn't great, but it was a marriage. Vows were made for a reason, families were built to stay that way. Denver would not happen again.
############################################
Present day.
Rayna sighed now, and shook her head with a smile as she pushed away from the wall. What happened in Denver….had always stayed in Denver until he made that remark yesterday. She hadn't thought about that night in a long time.
She wandered out into the kitchen, leaning in the doorway wearing one of his old flannel shirts as she watched him mess around in the kitchen cooking eggs and pouring coffee, shirtless and in a pair of sweatpants.
"Mornin'," Deacon said, his face breaking into a smile as he watched her standing there, like every fantasy he'd ever had come true. Searching her face, he looked for regret. He found none. He looked for doubt. He found none. His smile got a little bigger. "What you thinkin' about?"
"Actually," she said, with a little smile of her own. She liked him this way, all muscles and sex-personified humming as he messed around in the kitchen. He had no idea how much he was turning her on. "I was thinking about Denver."
"Denver?" His laughter rang out as he put the plates on the table and walked over by her, pulling her in close by the edges of the shirt. "What brought that up? We've never talked about that, Ray. Like literally ever."
She shrugged as she slipped her arms around his neck. "Did you ever….." her voice trailed off.
"Hope Daphne was mine?" he finished. "Think she was? "
Her face flushed.
"Yeah, I did the math back then," Deacon admitted. "But I guess….I thought you would have told me, and we would have dealt with the consequences of that together. Seems kinda funny now, after everything with Maddie…" his voice trailed off.
She closed her eyes. "I shouldn't have even brought it up."
"It doesn't matter now, Ray. You know I love Daphne like she's my own. I always have. Both of em even before I knew Maddie was mine."
She leaned forward and pressed her mouth against his sweetly. "You're a better man than you will ever realize, Deacon."
"And you," he said, biting her neck gently. "Are looking pretty damn good in this shirt of mine, do you know that? Then again. I bet you'd look pretty good out of it, too."
She laughed softly, loving everything about him. Loving how he'd had the strength to change into this amazing, wonderful man she'd always known he was capable of being. Loving that he was the father of one of her children. Loving him. She always had. She'd just been too damn scared to admit it. He lifted her as she wrapped her legs around his waist, and he carried her back to bed. Denver was forgotten. Breakfast was forgotten. Breaking her engagement to Luke was forgotten.
Being in Deacon's arms was the one thing she'd never forget.
If you wonder what happens next, you can read This Thing of Ours and it picks up in the middle of Chapter 5 from here.