Just a bit of fun. I do not own either stories, sadly enough...
"Gorram that humming girl, stop that damned noise!" Jayne burst into the cockpit, stopping short as River swiveled in her chair to give him a great big smile. Her eyes had not been on him, but on the area that was now materializing into a big blue box.
"Girl is making no noise, waiting for the traveler." She pointed to the door as it opened, and a man with impossible, gravity defying brown hair stepped out. Jayne drew his gun, Darla and held it level at the man's face. The man adjusted his brown coat and then slowly put his hands in the air.
"Ae there, I said to wait now, din' I? Ooof!" A blonde catapulted out the door and into the strange man's back.
"And I said to stay with the ship." The man with the impossible brown hair was warily eyeing the weapon in Jayne's hand. River just fluidly slid her head to the right, staring at them. "But you, Rose Tyler, you have to get your nose into everything."
Noticing where she was, the girl, obviously a one Rose Tyler by name, raised her hands as well, continuing to bicker with the man beside her. "Well, if you let me do somethin' other'n babysittin' the ship, maybe I wouldn't wander off so much!"
"Yes, but you will wander off, because you are so human! You'll wander off and you'll poke your nose in and everything will be better for it, usually, because you can do domestic and I can't, and I'll worry and lose you!"
"Oi! Remember what I said about the domestic cracks. They aren't flatterin' at all." She frowned prettily and Jayne had to ignore the girl for a moment. River merely spun in her chair, listening and giggling. "An' I thought me'n Jack broke you of making fun of species?"
Jayne groped for the intercom and punched the button, carefully putting it up to his mouth.
"Uh, Mal, come up to the bridge we have a bit o'a sit-chew-ation."
"Papa Bear is not needed, but will entertain while trying to figure out all that does not exist." River said, rolling her head on her shoulders, cracking her shoulders.
"What in gorram hell is that doing on my bridge?" Mal's incredulous voice came from the doorway. He glared at River. "Albatross, you been up to tricks again?"
"Girl called and left message after tone, called one with big brain to converse quantum mechanics with." She swung her legs, even in her big boots, her feet did not touch the ground. The one with the impossible hair started.
"Ah yes, I did get, a sort of, message. It sounded quite important." He fumbled for his pockets and Jayne held Darla up higher, but he ignored it. He muttered a soft 'Aha!' before presenting it to the Captain. "Naturally, when something shows up on my psychic paper, I am interested on who could leave me the message."
"So naturally we come running off the minute he get's it." The girl rolled her eyes.
"Always running aren't we?" The man said, bemused.
"Bein' a bit rude, Doctor." She smiled at the man and he grinned widely back. Jayne had never seen such harmless people in his life and dropped his gun by his side.
"Albatross called ya, eh?" He gave River a hard stare, and she smiled innocently up at him, the picture complete with her booted feet up on the console and her pink fluffy tutu skirt fanning out under her. "Well, if she says that you're harmless, then welcome aboard Serenity."
"Not harmless. Just as dangerous as Girl, but not going to harm you." The Doctor flashed River a hard look and she smiled guilessly back at him. After that moment, the Doctor and his companion were all smiles and sordid tales, charming his crew. They stayed for days and the only ones allowed in their ship were River and Kaylee, the former vanishing with the Doctor to speak of complicated things and the latter so euphoric after looking at their engine that they had to pry her out from under Serenity's hood for mealtimes. Zoe allowed them to pull her out for meals as she was charmed by the laughing couple.
Jayne practically drooled on Rose and was brought back to his senses by a smack over the head from River as she cleaned the table. It was accompanied by the admonishment that if he did not stop thinking those fantasies so loud, she was going to start sharing them. Simon was amused that the Doctor knew more than he should about medicine, the stranger mentioned he trained somewhere obscure that Simon forgot as soon as it was said. Inara was simply charmed by their company. All too soon, it was time for them to leave.
"Are you ever going to tell us who you are, or how your ship works?" Mal asked, leaning up against the door frame, trying to peer inside. Rose swiftly shut the door and smiled at her partner in crime, touching his hand briefly to let him know that she was ready to go.
"No." The Doctor said cheerfully. "On how the ship works, but I'm the Doctor and this is Rose Tyler. You know this, accept it, move on and have a lovely time on your beautiful ship."
'And have a talk with Inara, you two 'ave a lot to work out." Rose said, winking before she vanished into the blue box.
"Pleasure meeting you." The Doctor said, shaking the space pirate's hand.
"You too."
Malcom Reynolds stepped back as the peculiar sound filled his bridge as a space traveler vanished with his beautiful companion into space. River stepped into her seat, watching the empty space, sighing.
"What's wrong, lil' Albatross?"
"The storm is over, and now there are no more distractions. The sadness settles again." Mal puzzled over her words as she steered them out into the deep black sea of stars.
AN: This was written for a crossover contest and is in no way meant to be taken seriously.