Tools
Happy drawed in a deep breathe trying to stop her hands from shaking as you put down her hammer next to the sheet of metal she had been trying to flatten out for a new project.
Even her sanctuary in the garage and her tools immaculately lined up on her workbench were of no comfort.
She couldn't remember a time in her life that tools hadn't been a comfort, they were her safety blanket. Always had been and she never thought they wouldn't be.
She took a cautious step back from her work bench her eyes narrowing as she felt a lump in a throat forming.
She turned, ran up to motorbike and hopped on. Speeding out of the garage before anyone could see the tears freely flowing down her face.
A lot had happened recently, proposal problems, her dad going to prison, the stress of planning a wedding and trying not to let Toby or Pagie down in regards to that. The thought of having a baby that turned out to be blood poisoning and a false pregnancy. The cot still half dismantled in the corner of her work station which was very unlike Happy as she was matriculus at putting her tools and projects away into a perfect order, but she just couldn't bring herself to put this away. Although she didn't talk about it since that afternoon she told Toby what had happened and their somewhat bittersweet second proposal. It felt like there was something missing, a bit of her heart and soul had been taken.
"We love each other, we're going to have a family one day when the time is right." replayed over and over again, the reassurance that Toby had given her as shock and pain washed over his own face as she had told him what had happened at the doctors.
Happy wasn't an inpatient type, she had spent most of her life longing to be apart of a family and had learnt how to deal with the pangs of loneliness over the years without impatiently longing to have a family in her life. But now she had one, Scorpion. She was the happiest and most content she had been in her life and although didn't always show it which she was working on, was over the moon about her up and coming wedding with Toby.
But she still couldn't shake that false pregnancy from her mind. Day in and day out it wore on her mind, niggling away until pain took over her heart. Causing her to be more angry with those around her especially Toby and Paige who were most excited about planning this celebration.
She felt cruel. Wasn't this wedding enough? Why couldn't she be content and happy about the idea of spending the rest of her life with a man she loved more than anything and who time and time again had proven how much he loved and cared for her without feeling such loss of an unexpected and false pregnancy. She was still shocked by Toby, he had stopped at nothing over years to show her how much he loved her, never stopped flirting or coming up with little ways to show his feelings to her. Sometimes it felt like all she ever did was throw various tools in his direction and bitter snippets of sarcasm. He understood her sometimes more than she understood herself. Her barriers, her childhood and he never making her feel broken or that it was her fault that she couldn't be as emotionally open for him as he was with her or how he deserved her to be for him. She wished she could change more for him, be open to show her how much she was in love with him. Not just in love with him for the love he had for her and the need she didn't realise she had for someone to truly care and look after her in the way he does. But how she had truly fallen in love with him, just for himself. It was like she could see past all of his jokes and the front he gave to the world and could see directly into his soul. This beautiful and somewhat tortured soul that she had come to find her home in. She had fallen for him just in the same way he had for her, him seeing past all the broken bits of herself and her the same seeing past all these broken bits of him. Toby had had his own problems in his childhood too, it wasn't just her that was damaged in this way. But he was amazing enough to have to have put that to one side and could still be open with his emotions and love for her. He had well and truly let his guard down entirely for her and she was sick to her stomach that she still couldn't do the same for him.
So why was she constantly thinking about this pregnancy? A baby wouldn't resolve this problem with her openness to him. Maybe it was her way of wanting to give him everything of her even though she couldn't always voice things so easily for him. A bond to have with him. Maybe she like the idea of giving him a home as well, just as he had given her one. But he was right, when the time is right. There is no point rushing into parenthood, they should be enjoying their time together alone for the time being. As much as she tried to rationalise this in her mind, the thought always surfaced and twinge in her heart always pulled.