Atsushi knew his hair looked a little weird. It was longer on one side and curved up unevenly in front. Most people would find his hair style to be awful. Yet a certain older suicidal womanizer seemed to think differently. Whenever this particular man passed by him in the halls of the Agency, he would take a moment to observe Atsushi's hair.
Dazai would often stare at Atsushi in a way that he found oddly comforting. It made Atsushi feel embarrassed. Atsushi usually did not like it when older people stared at him. His years spent at his old orphanage taught him that stares usually meant that he was in trouble. As a result, he had grown averse to looking directly into peoples' glaring eyes, especially when those eyes were carefully scrutinizing him. More than once, he had felt tempted to tell Dazai to stop.
But Dazai was different. Somehow, Dazai's eyes weren't the mean, judgmental kind. His eyes were always gentle, impish. Just by looking into Dazai's eyes, Atsushi would feel his heart calm down and his mind relax. He did not understand why Dazai made him feel this way.
Their encounters in this manner were always brief and ephemeral. After looking over him for a few seconds, Dazai would turn his eyes away and resume walking. On some very rare occasions, however, Dazai would bend towards him and place a soft hand on his head. Atsushi would always be surprised when Dazai did this. The first time, Atsushi had almost reeled away. But he sensed no danger from Dazai, and, in a way, it felt somewhat soothing to feel Dazai's hand on his head. Without saying anything, Atsushi would bend head in Dazai's direction, coaxing Dazai to pat him. And Dazai would always respond by gently stroking his hair.
Each time Dazai did this, Atsushi would always feel reassured. He would feel safe.
These small, fleeting encounters went on for some time. They were always silent and alone when it happened. Of course, if someone else in the Agency were to see Dazai do this, they might start to question Dazai to find out what his motivation was. That was why Atsushi said no word of it to anyone else. These were their private moments to be shared only with each other.
But on one occasion, Dazai spoke up.
"Atsushi," Dazai said, lightly ruffling up his hair. "How are you feeling?"
"How am I feeling?"
That was such a strange question, especially coming from Dazai. There were usually only two things on Dazai's mind: women, and finding a way to commit a beautiful and dramatic double suicide.
"Yeah," Dazai said, looking at Atsushi with those calm eyes of his. "Tell me how you feel."
"I feel...fine," Atsushi replied.
Dazai bent down and moved his hand to stroke the hair on the back of Atsushi's head. Atsushi loved it when Dazai did that. He loved the feeling of Dazai's full hand gliding over the back of his head, caressing him in such a warm and comforting manner.
"You don't mind how I keep doing this?" Dazai asked.
"Well, I, errhh..."
Atsushi really did not know how to reply to that question. He felt too shy to admit the truth, which was that he really did like it.
"I don't mind," he said at last.
"You don't wonder why I do it?"
"Not...really." A lie.
Dazai bent down a bit farther to look directly into Atsushi's eyes. At first, Atsushi tensed up and wanted to look away. But he felt strangely drawn towards Dazai, and for the first time in his life, he was able to look back into Dazai's eyes with courage, without fear. There was no animosity in Dazai's stare at all. Rather, Dazai looked almost...complacent. Atsushi felt himself becoming relaxed. Gently, Darai caressed his head.
"I've always loved your hair," Dazai whispered.
Dazai moved his hand to the side of Atsushi's hair that was longer and picked up the lock of hair that fell over his ear. Atsushi remained still. Dazai smoothly ran his fingers up and across the side of Atsushi's hair, ruffling it up, then parted his bangs in front, placing the palm of his hand on Atsushi's forehead. The warmth of Dazai's palm was comforting. Atsushi closed his eyes slowly, leaning his head back until it touched the wall behind him. Dazai kept stroking his hair and caressing his head.
Atsushi felt suddenly very content. Without thinking, he leaned forward until he rested his head upon Dazai's shoulder. When he felt the warmth of Dazai's body, Atsushi sighed and wrapped his arms around Dazai's chest.
For some reason, Dazai did not resist.
Atsushi stood there, holding Dazai in his arms. He had never hugged someone like this, in such an affectionate manner before. Then, to his surprise, Dazai hugged him back. He felt Dazai's bandaged arms wrap around his own body. He was pulled into Dazai's embrace. He leaned against Dazai, wanting to feel Dazai's warmth, until he had buried his head against Dazai's chest and could hear a gentle heartbeat.
Dazai raised his hand and stroked the back of Atsushi's head, moving his hand down past his neck. Slowly, Dazai patted him on his back. Then Dazai placed his other hand over the top of Atsushi's head and caressed him there again. It felt so warm to be in Dazai's embrace, to be caressed and patted by him in this intimate manner, that Atsushi never wanted to let go. He closed his eyes, relishing the moment, wishing that it would never end. He wished he could remain like this forever.
Finally, Dazai pulled away.
"Atsushi," Dazai said. "You really like it when I do this, don't you?"
Atsushi nodded.
Dazai smiled. "Well, unfortunately, I must leave you now. I have to do something else."
"Can't you stay for just a little longer?"
"Atsushi. I'll come back." He stood up and slowly walked away, like he always did. But before he left the room, he turned his head around to look at Atsushi one more time.
It was strange, always so strange for Atsushi to return to his normal world after these encounters. A world of quiet and indifferent loneliness. When these encounters ended, Atsushi would feel a sense of relief. Yet, from this relief sprouted a longing for more of Dazai's touch, for the sense of closeness that lingered between them in these silent moments, for the warmth and comfort that only Dazai could give him. And in the midst of this longing, Atsushi would see that it was really because of the fleeting nature of these encounters that he valued them so much.
He gazed at the hallway that Dazai walked down long after Dazai left.