I believe in you. I believe in me. I believe in us.
I'd say no one could ever know just how long it took to reach this place, but I know that you know.
You know better than them all.
Because you are not just the one here beside me today…
…you are the one who started it all.
/ / /
She cuts through the crowd, a knife past the flesh, and just as deadly.
Behind her walk is a floor littered with corpses – hearts ripped out, love destroyed – and she'd do it again if you asked. She'd do it again if you don't ask at all.
Because girls like her have to survive by wits alone.
They can't fall back onto parents and they can't rely on friends.
They might have all the money in the world, but money can't hold her hand when she cries and money can't keep her warm when she passes out on the lawn.
Because girls like her are born to be damaged – easy to wound and hard to forget, in your mind's eye long after you leave town… Girls like her will haunt you if you let them.
She cuts through the crowd, an arrow shot too soon, but with not a target in sight.
Unless someone stupid gets in the way.
/
And there have been nets below her, ready to catch her if that tightrope life ever comes apart.
And she'd fall into his arms, hearing those promises of forever and feeling those kisses of puppy love.
And she'd fall into that bottle, hearing those whispers of decadence and feeling those licks of sorrow.
And there have been nets below her, safety in things familiar… but now she wobbles, she teeters and there is nothing there to break her fall.
The cold bathroom wall against her back and soft fingers holding her face and the startled look that is usually enough to scare others away, because her shock is much like anger.
But no, this one isn't running and this one isn't smirking and this one isn't at all hesitant with their concern – guileless and pure, guileless and pure…
"Who the fuck are you?"
"Doesn't matter… are you okay? I heard you in here and I said something, but you didn't respond—"
"Stop touching me."
"Oh. Oh, sorry… I don't know why… I don't know…"
And there is no net in those blue eyes opposite her.
/
She'll push you away even as she is drawing you near.
And you'll let her do it, too.
Something about her smile – how it can be so smooth and so cold, how it can be so seductive and so fake – and everyone has that fantasy about finding the real grin behind the grimace.
Everyone. Even you.
Even you see the charm, how it hangs in her hair and rests on her shoulders… how it sets like the sun on her skin and how it spills out in her laughter… Even you, even you are charmed by her well-constructed pretty lies.
But while the world continues to be bamboozled, you study her from the edge of your vision – the moments when no one is really looking, when she is left all alone… at a table, standing by her car, turning a corner… that's when you catch the girl behind the mask.
And she'll push you away even as she is drawing you near.
And you'll let her do it, too.
Because, somewhere along the way, you think you see something so good and so wonderful – drifting down her jaw or skating across her lips, playing out from her fingertips…
…and so you keep on watching, like everyone else.
/
If she could take a picture with her senses, that's what she'd do and then there would be this moment trapped in her mind for all of time.
Hear: the intake of air, sharp and sweet, then it comes back out again… slow and steady, oh so sure after all that doubt and it sounds like heaven to a sinner.
Taste: like fresh air and shooting stars, like sugar and spice and everything nice… a farmer's market raspberry, swirled up in vanilla ice cream, and it tastes like a place no one has found yet.
See: the flutter of eye-lids, delicate and shy and the lips part and the skin flushes a heavy pink… that blush of new found affection and it looks just like the dawn of the best day.
Smell: the ocean through the window and the perfume behind the ears and the curious scent of skin… catching the sweat of want, right there, and it carries like smoke from a blazing flame.
Touch: but this is a feeling, too, and there is the knee that presses close and the palm that skims over the arm and then mouth to mouth… not to rescue, but still to save… and you are kissing her and she feels so tender and she feels so wild, firm and shy at the same time… or is that you?
Was it always you, aching to be near her? Was it always you, silently begging for this chance?
If she could, she'd take a picture of this moment with her whole body and then she'd never forget it.
/
She'll break you before you can break her.
And you'll wish you had never met her.
You'll wish away her confessions and you'll wish away her carelessness. You'll wish that the plane never flew you here and that your feet never took you to her side and that your heart never tossed you so far from home.
But all your actions are your own. She might have hurt you, but she didn't hold a gun to your head.
She didn't hold the gun, still the bullet has her name on it.
She didn't wield the knife, still the blade is her wicked tongue.
She didn't slay you, girl-knights in endless battle… still she killed you.
And she'll break you before you can break her, because that is what she does – it's what she'll always do, fearful child in a world full of adults, little lost girl in the department store of life.
And she'll break you because she is so damn broken.
And you'll wish you had never thought you could mend her.
/
All that time and now she jumps – all those years avoiding the precipice, skirting the edges of what could be – and now she jumps.
Girls like her don't have to explain, used to flaunting their recklessness and showmanship, all in the name of a grand entrance.
Girls like her are the three-ring circus, the lion and the lion tamer, just don't stick your hands in the cage.
Girls like her are the most dangerous when they are finally free, never domesticated and never docile, set loose upon the world.
But her stride is calm.
And her stalking days are over, left to rot.
She is no hunter of those fleeting game, not anymore… because girls like her know the best when it comes along and they are hard-pressed to let it go.
Abuse it. Take it for granted. Wound it.
But never let it go, never give it up.
All that time and now she jumps, eyes open on the ground rushing to meet her.
And she jumps.
And she prepares to fall.
/
"Take me back."
"Why should I?"
"Because you love me."
"Ashley…"
"And I love you. God, do I love you… I love you even though I have a hard time loving anyone, even though I can barely figure out how to love myself much less you… but I love you and you aren't just the destination, Spencer… you are the road, you are the journey… you are everything to me."
And a part of you will wish she had never said those things, because those words are so late and they'll still pull your clothes out of that suitcase and they'll still cancel that ticket to anywhere but here.
But the rest of you just sighs, a little weary but a lot overjoyed, because most of you has been hoping that she'd grow up and find you and fight for you.
Fight for the both of you.
"Call me tomorrow."
"Tomorrow?"
"Ask me out."
"Like a date?"
"Just like one."
"…Uh, okay. Okay, what time?"
"Figure it out, Ashley. The ball is in your court this time. Win me over."
/
And so she does.
With flowers and candy and dinners and concerts and cards and days at the beach and nights at the club and long drives with hands that won't let go, even to shift the gears.
And so she does.
With all the words she's never spoken and with all the hugs she's never given and with all the devotion she's never bestowed upon another, but it just pours out of her, the dam busts clear and wide.
And so she does.
With her body and with her mind and with her soul, giving and giving so much more than she ever has, laying it all out there… even when it scares her shitless… especially then.
And so she does.
And so Ashley Davies falls in love, ready to land on her feet.
/
I believe in you. I believe in me. I believe in us.
And I'd say no one could ever know just how long it took to reach this place, but I know that you know.
You know better than them all.
Because you are not just the one here beside me today…
…you are the one who started it all.
You are the one I did it all for.
/ / /
::END::