This story is a one-shot that takes place during the season 19 episode "Intent" but instead of Carisi going on the road trip with Amanda to West Virginia, Olivia goes with her. It starts off partway through the trip when they are staying overnight in the motel after spending time in the bar, with some changes made to the storyline.
Major trigger warning for discussions of rape, so please be aware of that before continuing to read.
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It is the loud, frantic banging on the door that startles Olivia out of a sound sleep and has her bolting upright on the uncomfortable mattress, gasping in shock into the darkness as her heart races wildly and she tries to figure out what is going on. Her first instinct is to call out for Noah, wondering if her son has suffered a nightmare and is pounding at her door in a panicked request for comfort, before her blurry vision clears enough to take in her surroundings and remembering that her little boy is hundreds of miles away because she is not currently at home.
It comes to her in fuzzy bits and pieces as Olivia swings her legs over the side of the creaky bed and staggers to her feet; the road trip to West Virginia with Amanda to arrest Heather Parcell, indulging in a couple of drinks with the blonde detective at a bar near their motel, and then saying goodnight to Amanda after a quick discussion of what time they will be meeting the next morning to take the perpetrator in their latest case back to New York with them.
Fin and Carisi are both recovering from nasty colds, neither of the men feeling well enough to make the extended trip with Amanda, and although Olivia was initially disconcerted about having to travel so far and spend a night away from her son, she has since mellowed out and acknowledged that a quick adventure is just what she has needed. Her life has been a whirlwind of chaos over the past couple of months and the brief change in scenery and routine has been good for Olivia, allowing her to have a break from the usual turmoil and insanity, but she can admit to going a little overboard and loosening up a bit too much earlier that evening.
Olivia can still feel traces of alcohol in her veins as she hurries unsteadily toward the door, chastising herself for drinking at all when they have such a long drive ahead of them, and acknowledging that her concerns with Sheila Porter had gotten the better of her once she and Amanda were off the clock for the evening. The younger woman had proven to be very good company and an excellent listener as they had sipped from bottles of beer and enjoyed the relaxed atmosphere of the bar, allowing Olivia to share the problems she is having with Noah's grandmother while exchanging amusing stories of the latest antics of their children, both kids staying overnight with Lucy while they are gone.
Olivia swings the door of her motel room open, expecting to see Amanda standing on the sidewalk and wondering if there is some kind of issue with their case that needs immediate attention and can't wait until morning. She is surprised to find a tall, dark-haired man sporting a scruffy beard waiting there instead, wringing his hands together as he shifts uneasily from one foot to the other, a somewhat desperate look in his eye as he speaks with noticeable uncertainty in his voice.
"Um, Olivia?"
"Yes?" she replies with no small amount of confusion, tilting her head to the side as she realizes that he looks vaguely familiar, but unable to place him in her sleep-addled haze.
"Olivia Benson?"
"That's me," she confirms with a frown, crossing her arms over her breasts when it occurs to her that she hadn't thought to put a robe or bra on before answering the door in the striped pajama set she had brought from home, her hair disheveled and her feet bare. "Who are you? What's going on?"
"Uh, my name is Buck...I'm the bartender who took your drink orders earlier tonight," the man explains tentatively, gesturing toward the now-empty building across the parking lot. "I started my shift while you were there."
"Okay..." Olivia trails off as her perplexity grows, brushing unruly strands of hair away from her face with one hand before placing it back over her chest, feeling somewhat exposed in front of this stranger. "Is there a problem? Did I forget to pay the bill or something?"
"Oh no, nothing like that," the bartender chuckles, although there is no trace of humor in his tone, his expression very serious and complexion white as a ghost. "I was just with Amanda Rollins in her motel room a minute ago and she, uh...well, she asked me to come over here and get you."
"What? Why?" Olivia's tone is sharp now, all traces of sleep instantly disappearing as she straightens up in the doorway and peers around the taller form of the man, as if expecting to get a glimpse of her detective. "What's wrong with her? Is she okay?"
"Um, not exactly," he hedges while his arms spread out to the sides in bewilderment, a knot of dread forming in the pit of Olivia's stomach as she stares up at him, her voice clipped and demanding when she speaks again.
"What do you mean, 'not exactly'? Did you do something to her? Is she hurt?"
"Hey, I didn't do anything to her!" Buck says defensively, holding his hands in the air and shrugging his shoulders, Olivia's gaze traveling down his body and taking in the rumpled T-shirt and unzipped jeans, the clothing appearing to have been thrown on very hastily. "We started chatting at the bar when she came up to order drinks for the two of you, and she invited me to stop by her room after my shift was done. We were getting along really well and things were going great, but then something happened while we were in bed and she just kind of...went off. Started yelling and pushing me away all of a sudden, like I was attacking her, like she hadn't been the one to initiate it. She was all over me one minute, and the next minute she was shouting at me to stop hurting her and calling me by some other name."
"What other name?" Olivia snaps urgently, wrapping her arms around herself for warmth as she steps out into the chilly night air without bothering to grab a jacket or shoes, her only thought to get to Amanda and make sure she is okay.
"Um, I think it was Patton?"
Olivia's throat tightens at Buck's answer, her heart clenching inside her chest as she takes off for Amanda's room at a dead run, an eerie wailing sound reaching her ears when she sprints down the cracked sidewalk and sees the door to her subordinate's room standing wide open. The bartender is right on her heels and they nearly crash into each other as she comes to an abrupt halt in the doorway, overcome with emotion at the scene before her and reaching up to briefly cover her mouth with her hand.
"Oh my god, how long has she been like this?"
Amanda is curled up into a tiny ball in a corner of the dimly-lit motel room, a white sheet wrapped haphazardly around her naked body, legs pulled tightly into her chest and head resting on her knees, a mess of long golden hair spilling over her arms as a drawn-out whimper emits from her mouth, blue eyes wide and unfocused as tears slip down her cheeks.
"Not very long," Buck stutters out, a tremor in his voice as Olivia throws him a suspicious glance and tries her best to assess the situation, still unsure if this man has hurt her detective or if Amanda had been triggered and sent into a flashback during an innocent and consensual sexual encounter. "Everything was going fine and then she just flipped out and went nuts; started begging me to stop and calling me by some other guy's name. Grabbed one of the sheets before practically falling off the bed and hiding in the corner, and then calmed down enough to tell me she was sorry and to come and get you."
"So she was lucid for a minute?" Olivia affirms as she slowly steps into the room, careful not to make any sudden moves and startle Amanda even further, watching the younger woman very closely as she huddles there on the floor.
"Yeah, it seemed like she was going to be okay; like she was acting normal again but was just embarrassed, so I bent down to help her up before coming to get you, and she just freaked right out again, screaming at me not to touch her." The bartender appears absolutely baffled and extremely worried, Olivia inclined to believe his version of events as his explanation of the circumstances sound like nothing but terrified honesty instead of someone trying to cover up a crime, but she still needs to hear Amanda's side of the story.
"Okay, I'm going to ask you to wait outside the door for a minute while I talk to her," she orders quietly, lowering her voice as she takes another step in Amanda's direction, noticing that the other woman has fallen silent and is no longer whimpering, but has tensed up, as if aware that she isn't alone in the room anymore. "I want to give her some privacy but I also don't want you going anywhere just yet, do you understand me?"
"Look, I know you guys are cops, alright?" Buck looks sick to his stomach, like he is expecting to be dragged away in handcuffs at any moment, and although Olivia feels a hint of sympathy for the confused man, Amanda is her primary concern right now. "Please don't arrest me, okay? I swear, I didn't do anything that she didn't want me to do. You can ask her when she stops acting like...well, like that."
"Oh, I intend to ask her," Olivia replies firmly, her heart aching when she sees a violent shiver run through the small frame of her detective and hears a soft, broken sob. "And no one is getting arrested at the moment, but I need you to wait right outside the door while I speak with her. I'll come back to get you in a few minutes."
The bartender simply nods in return without verbally replying, his skin so ashen that Olivia tells him to sit down on the ground for fear that he is about to pass out, closing the door partway to allow Amanda the privacy she deserves but also able to keep Buck in her sights. She doesn't want to trigger the younger woman even further by having him remain in the room with them, but is wary about letting the man stray too far away until she figures out exactly what is going on.
When Olivia turns back around to look at her, she can see that Amanda's body is shuddering even harder now, and very carefully reaches over to remove the checkered quilt from the tangle of blankets on the bed, glancing down at the clothing pooled on the floor and recognizing the shirt and jeans that Amanda was wearing at the bar earlier.
"Hey, honey, it's just me. It's Liv." She announces her presence softly, in case Amanda hasn't yet realized that her lieutenant is in the room with her, bending down to the floor as slowly as she can but making sure to maintain a certain amount of distance between them. "You look pretty cold over there. Is it okay if I cover you up with this quilt or help you put your clothes back on?"
When Amanda doesn't respond but just curls more tightly into herself, Olivia takes the chance and slides a little bit closer on the dingy tiles, tilting her head down to try and get a better look at the younger woman's expression. "Buck just came to my room to get me and said that you asked him to do that, so I'm here to help you, sweetheart. I'm here to make sure you're okay. Are you injured anywhere? Did you he do anything to hurt you?"
"Yeah, he banged my head against the wall and bit my lip. I'm bleeding." The sudden sound of Amanda's voice, raspy and raw, surprises Olivia since she has been expecting more silence, her eyes sweeping quickly over tear-stained cheeks and the wrinkled white sheet, and not seeing any traces of blood.
"Buck did that to you? The bartender?" she asks guardedly, scooting forward slightly on the ground and then rearing back immediately when Amanda flinches sharply and lets out a strangled noise of fear, shaking her head swiftly as blonde hair bounces around her shoulders.
"No, not Buck. Patton," she answers in a tone so low that Olivia has to strain to hear her. "Buck was so gentle and funny and sweet. I liked him. But Patton was mean and drunk and rough. He hurt me. It hurt so much. I told him to stop but he wouldn't listen."
"Okay, honey, I think you've been having some flashbacks to what happened in Atlanta," Olivia explains softly, her heart breaking at the detective's confusion and distress and desperately wanting to pull Amanda into her safe embrace, but still being careful not to make any sudden movements. "Patton isn't here right now. It's just you and me in this room, and Buck is waiting outside. He's pretty upset and concerned about what happened. He said the two of you were in bed together and everything was fine, but then you got scared and started screaming."
Amanda shakes her head again, looking utterly confused, her chin trembling and big blue eyes welling with more tears, and Olivia decides to take a chance by laying a tender hand on the foot that is peeking out from beneath the bottom of the sheet, relieved when Amanda doesn't pull away. "Is it okay if I help you off the floor? How about we get up and you can get dressed, and then we'll try to get all of this stuff sorted out?"
Amanda nods and a shaky bare arm appears from inside the sheet, Olivia reaching out to grasp onto the pale limb with the intention of assisting her in any way that she needs, when an expression of pure terror crosses Amanda's face. Olivia whips her head around to see the bartender standing in the doorway, his hands raised in the air again in a gesture of defense and sheepishly explaining that he had left his cell phone and keys on the nightstand, before asking if Amanda is doing any better.
"No, don't let him come back in here!" the younger woman shrieks, lunging at Olivia in sheer panic and grabbing her around the neck so tightly that the gesture nearly chokes her. "Don't let Patton hurt me again!"
"Does that answer your question?" Olivia snarls at the man in return, ignoring the stunned look on Buck's face as she tries to hold onto Amanda's wriggling form, quickly adjusting the sheet around her when it begins to slip and expose her nudity. "I don't care about your damn cell phone and keys. Wait outside until I say otherwise, is that clear?"
"Jesus Christ," Buck mutters in astonishment, his eyes wide and perplexed as he stares down at Amanda's frenzied state. "What the hell is going on? Who is this Patton guy that she keeps talking about? What did he do to her? Damn it, I should have just said no when she asked me to come over after work. This is crazy. I wasn't expecting anything like this. I thought she was just some normal chick who was looking for a good time."
"Go outside now," Olivia commands sternly, on the verge of shouting and trying to reign in her anger as the bartender backs slowly out of the room, shaking his head and breathing hard while mumbling numerous apologies.
It is clear that Amanda has lost all control, the small blonde weeping hysterically and hyperventilating loudly as she tries to scramble onto her lap, Olivia hooking one arm underneath a trembling pair of knees and another around a bare back, the sheet falling away to pool at Amanda's waist as she lifts the detective onto her thighs and cradles her like a baby. Olivia rocks the traumatized woman back and forth, at a loss for words while she tries to do anything she can to calm her and help her relax, shocked at the intensity of Amanda's breakdown as she has not witnessed a reaction of this magnitude from her subordinate during the half dozen years they have been working together.
When she leans over to yank the fallen quilt from the floor and tuck it around Amanda's body, the sheet slips off entirely and Olivia gets a glimpse of smooth, unblemished skin, relieved that she is unable to see any injuries and none of the blood that Amanda had claimed was there. She continues to rock the younger woman in her arms for a few more minutes, murmuring soothing words of comfort into her ear until Amanda begins to feel heavier in her embrace, her limbs becoming less stiff as she slowly loosens up.
"He told me I was a good girl," Amanda suddenly whispers, Olivia inclining her head so she can try to see the damp face that is tucked into her neck.
"Patton?" she whispers back, rubbing her hand in soft circles over the quilt that is wrapped around the shivering form of her detective.
"No, Buck," Amanda corrects quietly, Olivia tightening her hold around the other woman when she feels her snuggling closer. "He said it while we were, um, in the middle of things and I had just...well, never mind. But it reminded me of when Patton used to say the same thing. He would always tell me that I was his good girl whenever I did something to please him at work; whenever I did well on a case or I did what I was told without causing a fuss. And he called me that after he..."
"After he raped you?" Olivia supplies very gently when Amanda trails off, feeling the slow nod of a head against her neck and listening to the sharp sniffle that follows. "Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry."
"I've never had a flashback that bad before," Amanda mumbles with evident shame in her tone, and Olivia can't help pressing a kiss to the crown of her head in an effort to provide more comfort to the younger woman. "When I came out of it, all I could think of was waking you up, even though I'm used to dealing with this sort of thing on my own. I knew you were only a few rooms away, and I just wanted to be with you instead of Buck because I knew you wouldn't judge me and you would keep me safe. I was so embarrassed that I was crying naked on the floor and all I wanted to do was leave, but when he tried to help me back up, I only saw Patton..."
"You're absolutely right, I'm going to keep you safe and I would never judge you for having a flashback," Olivia replies vehemently when Amanda dissolves into tears again, slender fingers grasping onto the front of her pajama shirt and twisting the material in her clenched fists. "It's okay, honey, I've got you."
"I had agreed to meet Patton in a motel room that looked a lot like this one, but when I changed my mind, he wouldn't let me go." Amanda's sobs are muffled against Olivia's neck, her skin and hair becoming wet with tears. "When he was done with me, when he was done...raping...me, I crawled out of the bed and sat on the floor in the corner of the room, crying so hard. I couldn't even process what had just happened, I was so shocked and in so much pain, and then he came over and knelt down in front of me. He told me that I didn't need to cry because I had been such a good girl for him and he was so pleased with me. And then he made me do it again..."
"I'm so sorry, Amanda, I'm so sorry you had to go through that," Olivia says softly, overcome with a wave of intense emotion that brings tears to her own eyes and blinking rapidly to keep them at bay as she struggles to digest the appalling details. "So you were triggered a couple of different times while you were with Buck and it caused the flashbacks, but did anything else happen? Are you sure it was consensual? He didn't hurt you in any way?"
"No, Liv, everything was fine. We were having a great time until I ruined it." There is obvious shame in Amanda's tone once more, the other woman sounding weary and regretful, and Olivia begins rocking her again in a slow, soothing rhythm in an effort to prevent another breakdown.
"You didn't ruin anything, honey. It wasn't your fault," she assures Amanda gently, adjusting the quilt around her shoulders when she feels a violent shiver rack the small form huddled in her lap.
"He thinks I'm insane." Amanda's voice is horror-stricken, as if the full impact of what had happened that night is finally hitting her, leaving the detective in overwhelmed disbelief. "I just wanted to have some fun; blow off some steam while we had a break from the case and I didn't have the responsibility of caring for Jesse overnight. It's not very often that I'm on my own like this and can do whatever I want. I didn't mean for this to happen, Liv."
"Oh, Amanda, I know you didn't," Olivia replies tenderly, stroking her palm over wild blonde tresses and working her fingers lightly through the tangles while she speaks. "It's hard to predict when a flashback is going to occur. It can come out of nowhere and blindside you, and the effects can last for quite awhile. Just allow yourself some time to calm down and work through everything without worrying what anyone else is thinking, okay? It doesn't matter what Buck thinks. The only thing that matters right now is how you're doing."
Amanda nods mutely into her neck and she watches a toned arm appear from inside the quilt, the other woman reaching up to cover her mouth with her hand and Olivia's heart sinking as she listens to another muffled sob. "And I know you're not doing very well at the moment," she adds with quiet concern, her fingers trailing down from the golden mess of hair atop Amanda's head to smooth over a prominent wet cheekbone. "Tell me what I can do for you, honey. Tell me what else I can do to help you relax."
"Don't leave me alone," Amanda begs raggedly after several seconds of hesitant silence, her breath coming out in sharp, hot puffs against Olivia's neck. "I can't remember the last time I thought about Patton before tonight, and now I can't get him out of my head. He's all I can see and hear and smell. I can't make it stop, Liv. It feels like he's all over me; like he's inside of me. He's everywhere and it hurts so much."
"We're going to make it stop," Olivia answers in a fierce whisper, the empathy and anguish that she has for her detective finally spilling out in a trickle of tears that drip from her face into Amanda's hair. "And I'm not going to leave you alone, you have my word. You can stay in my room with me for the rest of the night, okay? We're going to get you out of here as soon as you feel well enough to stand up and get dressed. There are still several more hours before we have to start getting ready to head back to New York, so we can try to get some sleep."
"I'm too scared to sleep, Liv. I don't want all of the nightmares to start up again," Amanda confesses brokenly, Olivia feeling a slender pair of arms sliding around her rib cage in a desperate embrace and tightening her hold on the haunted woman in her lap as her heart shatters to pieces. "I don't want to see his face in my dreams and hear his voice telling me what a good girl I am."
"I don't want you to have to go through that either," she murmurs with a deep compassion, remembering all too well what it was like to be controlled by her flashbacks and nightmares after certain traumatic experiences that she has been made to endure over the course of her lifetime, and aware of how excruciatingly difficult it is to break free from those demons. "But I'm going to do everything I can to get you through this, honey. I'm here for you, Amanda, and I promise you're going to be okay."
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A/N: This story was originally meant to be a two-shot, but I decided to just keep it as a one-shot because I didn't feel like I had enough material to continue with a second chapter. Anything that I started writing just felt way too similar to several other fics that I've already posted and didn't have a good flow, so I decided to come back and add a little bit onto the end of this chapter to make the story complete. Although it didn't have a happy ending, I wanted there to be a little bit of hope that Amanda would eventually be able to conquer her demons with Olivia by her side.
Thank you for reading!