I don't own Castle (sadly), or the characters. I just have my wicked way with them.
I am going to tell him.
It was the right thing to do. After all this time, she finally smiled, happy that she figured it out. Happy that she was finally about to do the right thing. The time has finally come.
I am going to tell him.
She could feel the pounding of her heart as she entered the room and heard him laughing with Lanie, Chief, Esposito and Ryan.
He saw her; he always sees her. He is always there. When she needs him, he's there. When they caught her mother's killer, he was there. When that psycho blew up her apartment, he was there to help her out the tub. When she needed company, he was there to bring her Chinese or Thai or Italian food; he was there to make her laugh; he was there to annoy her and make her want to kick him and hug him at the same time.
Maybe he… feels the same way?
She knew that she shouldn't let herself hope, but she couldn't help it. Everything he did, everything they went through for the past year and some, suggested that he… that he cared for her the way she cared for him.
I am not ready to say it to myself; how in the hell am I going to say it to him?
Well, at least she owed herself a chance to give it a try. After everything that they've been through, she knew she wouldn't be able to let him go to Hamptons just like that. As much as she hated to admit it, in the past year she got used to his presence and their constant teasing; even she wasn't that stupid to deny that they had chemistry.
Also, he was a great person. He was considerate and loving and a great parent to Alexis. He was charming and good-looking and funny. He was annoying and cute at the same time, and he was a loyal friend. He tended to go overboard with his imagination and sometimes he behaved like a 7-year old with too much sugar in his system, but he was always there. And that's what matters.
He knew just the way to push her buttons, or to make her smile, or to make her feel like he cared. And she needed that feeling; she needed to feel like someone still cared about her. After her mothers death… nothing was the same.
For a long time, she wouldn't let anyone in. She wallowed in self-pity, and in the end swore that she was going to take revenge. She swore that she was going to catch her mother's killer; she also swore that she would never let any of those who committed crimes go unpunished.
She always wore her mother's ring around her neck, and she always wore her father's watch on her hand. She smiled again when she remembered how he found the watch after the explosion and had it repaired. To know that he remembered what that watch meant to her, and to know that he did that for her… it gave her hope.
For long, she didn't let anyone in. After the debacle with Will Sorenson, she couldn't. it was too much to bear, it was too painful, too involving… too emotional. But then, he came along.
Richard Castle.
The prime-time mystery novel writer, the man whose books helped her through toughest times of her life, the number one Most Wanted Bachelor in NYC.
He spun her world around.
She found herself opening up some more, she found herself enveloped in his world, and it was scary. He seemed to know just what he was doing at all times, he was so different then the others, he was fresh and new and lovely and witty and loyal – and he chose her.
He chose her to be his muse; he saw something in her that she has already forgotten she possessed.
He saw her the way she really was.
He never gave up. Even though she shut him down, even though she pushed him away, he never gave up. Every single day he was there, waiting for her at her desk with a cup of steaming coffee in his hands, waiting to see where the day would lead them.
She soon discovered she enjoyed his company. They weren't so different after all. Everyone at the station loved him, and his mother Martha and his daughter Alexis loved her. And she…
I love him. And today is the day I tell him that.
He announced he was going to Hamptons. He asked her to come with, but she was sort of starting a relationship with Tom Demming. He was a cute homicide detective that has been helping them with the cases, and she started liking him. He was nice and funny and great everything was going great, but… he wasn't Castle.
The moment she decided to tell Castle how she feels was the moment she decided to break up with Tom.
And she did. Today, she broke up with him. She told Tom that he, this between them, wasn't what she was looking for. It isn't what she wanted.
He asked her: "What are you looking for, Kate?"
She knew the answer. She knew it for a long time but she wouldn't accept it, not until now.
Castle.
And now, she was going to tell him.
"Ooh, look who's off duty!" Castle commented her getting a beer.
"Yeah, well Castle, I'm not all work." She said, smiling but nervous for what she was about to do.
"Don't get into a drinking contest with her, she can take you." Lanie said, all serious.
"Thank you." He said, his expression serious.
"Oh, I don't need to drink to take him." She reciprocated with a smile. His expression was one of shock and amusement; she never said those things to him.
Not counting our first meeting, when I thought I would never see him again, so when he said "We could've had a good time" I said "You've got no idea".
"Oooh, what's gotten into you, umm-hm?" Lanie cooed, but Kate wasn't going to answer.
"Castle, do you have a second?" She asked, serious.
"Of course, yeah." He stood up, following her. She tried to ignore the looks that followed them as they exited the room. She closed the door behind her, grateful for the beer in her hands as she stood in front of him.
"What's up?" He asked. She started playing with the beer top as she tried to find the best way to tell him.
You can't back out now, Kate. Tell him.
She decided to start from beginning and not let his smile confuse her.
"Look, I know that I'm not the easiest person to get to know, and... I don't always let on what's on my mind, but… this past year working with you…"
She paused because she felt all the emotions wanting to hit the surface as she remembered all their times together. She promised she wouldn't cry – this was a happy moment, but she still couldn't avoid being serious as she started understanding how important he was for her.
"… I've had a really good time."
His expression was serious for a moment, and there was something in his eyes, and then he replied.
"Yeah, me too."
That gave her hope and she decided to do it. She smiled and tried to hold back the emotions until she was done with what needed to be done.
Could it be that I will finally get the opportunity to be happy?
"So, I… I'm just gonna say this and…"
"Richard?"
A woman's voice interrupted her as she was about to say it, and she turned to look at the incomer.
"You ready?" Gina, Castle's ex-wife said, walking towards them and smiling, looking perfect in her pink jacket.
"Hey, Gina," Castle turned and wrapped his arm around her, then turned back to Kate. "Beckett, you remember Gina, my ex wife."
"And publisher," Gina said, looking lovingly at Castle as she offered her hand to Kate.
"We spoke the other day," Kate said, trying to sound sincere as she started feeling uneasy and uncomfortable. She could, from the corner of her eye, see some movement in the room they just exited, but she couldn't bring herself to look. "Looks like you finally tracked him down." She said, shaking Gina's hand.
"Oh, yeah, he's such a little boy sometimes. " Gina rolled her eyes in a knowing manner. "I mean, I don't know why, it's not like I bite." Castle smiled and looked at her with affection. "Much." She added mischievously.
Kate bit inside her lip to prevent it from quivering as she understood the double meaning behind Gina's words. Castle was silent the whole time.
"We better get going, we're gonna be stuck in traffic all night." Gina said, as Castle checked his watch.
"Going?" Kate asked, bewildered.
"To the Hamptons." Castle said. She thought she saw something in his eyes, but she couldn't focus on that, as the awful feeling in the pit of her stomach got worse.
"For the weekend?" Kate asked, looking him right in the eyes.
Please let it be for the weekend, please let it be for the weekend, please don't let it be…
"No actually for the summer," Gina interrupted. "So I can stay on top of him as he finishes his book."
Kate looked at Castle, but then she turned her head away from him and swallowed, trying to prevent the tears from falling.
Please don't let this be it, please… don't make me fall apart again.
"I- I'm sorry, I didn't think you two got along." Kate said, trying to sound genuinely interested, when in fact, she was hoping this was some kind of a bad mix-up.
"We didn't," Castle said, making a cute face. He turned to look at Gina, and seeing his expression, Kate wanted to die. It was something... It was just the way he used to look at her. "But then, last night on the phone, we started talking…"
"…And we ended up talking for hours." Gina said with a smile. "Yeah." Castle said, smiling and looking genuinely happy. "Just like the old times." Gina added.
"Yeah," Castle said again, with a smile pointed at Gina that broke Kate's heart. Gina wrapped her arm around Castle's and looked pointedly at Kate, as if trying to tell her that she knew what Kate felt and that she wasn't going to give up Castle.
He, on the other hand, turned away from Gina with a smile and found Beckett's eyes.
Don't look at me like that; I am going to die… I can't take this, but I won't let him see me cry…
"So, uh… I'm sorry, you were, uh… you were telling me something." Castle said to Kate, and she could see in his eyes that all he wanted to do was to be with Gina.
She could see that, as clear as she knew her heart was about to break at any second. His eyes showed genuine interest, and she swallowed and tried to find a way out of this situation before she falls apart in front of him.
"Yeah, uh… I wanted to say…"
What am I going to say? What am I going to say when he's leaving, he's going away with Gina, he's… he's not going to be there anymore.
"…have a great summer."
And that single moment, when she uttered those words, was the moment she felt hard pain in her chest, down on the left side. The tears she's been holding inside threatened to escape, and all she wanted now was for him to leave, leave her alone so she can sit and fall apart.
She tried to smile. She miserably failed. He nodded his head, his eyes never leaving hers.
"You too."
She tried again, and this time her poor excuse of a smile was enough to fool him. As she looked into those beautiful eyes that she knew and loved, she felt shattered pieces of her heart stabbing her over and over again, as the pain got worse.
"A-and like you said… it's been really… really great." Castle said to her, smiling.
Don't do it, don't dazzle me, don't make me fall for you even more now that you're leaving me, please, don't…
"Yeah… it has."
If he doesn't go soon, I will cry. I can't hold back much longer.
Castle tried to come forward, to hug her, but Gina's arm in his slowed him down, and instead, he shook Kate's hand.
How ironic, she thought as she shook his hand, the hand that caressed hers when it was needed and the hand that held her close when she thought she was going to run away and get lost.
She felt great loss when Castle let go her hand and waved to someone. She looked in that direction and saw all her co-workers at the door. Every single one of them wore a serious expression.
It's like… like they know.
Castle and Gina then turned, and they wrapped their hands around each other.
And all I can do is watch them walk away.
"See you in the fall?"
Kate couldn't help herself. Even though she was broken, even though she witnessed to see him walking away with another woman, her shattered heart was foolish – it still hoped.
She had to know, is she losing him forever? Is he really going away, never to come back?
Cause if he is… I will not be able to take that blow.
She waited, and seconds passed. Then, he turned.
"See you in the fall."
And he walked away with his hand on the small of Gina's back.
She couldn't move, she couldn't do anything. She just stood there and watched, watched him leave her, watched him give up, watched as her whole world crumbled down and broke into pieces.
Her eyes betrayed her and she could feel the tears she withheld for awhile blur her sight. She instinctively looked up, trying to get them back, but it wasn't so simple.
Never before she felt so utterly… heartbroken.
And it hurt, it hurt like hell to know that she was wrong, that he didn't feel the same way, that he didn't love her back. It hurt to know that everything he did, he did out of pure friendship. She hated that feeling, the feeling of despair and sorrow that enveloped her, and all she wanted to do was go somewhere and sleep, to fall asleep and never wake up… because it hurt too much.
And yet, she couldn't. She couldn't, because, unintentionally, he did it again. He didn't know what she felt, he didn't know what she did, and she swore that he would never find out, but she couldn't help that stupid feeling she had no right to feel.
See you in the fall.
She couldn't help it, because those five stupid words… those words gave her hope.
See you in the fall.
At that moment, she knew – even though he didn't love her, she would be satisfied just to see him.
See you in the fall.
Just to be near him.
See you in the fall.
Because, you know. Heart will always be masochistic, and even when it's broken… it's still his.