Poe had been the bane of Ben's childhood, a walking embodiment of all the things Ben's parents wanted him to be, and none of which he'd ever aspired to become.
Poe was outgoing, polite, and popular. He had dashing good looks and a winning personality. He was accepted in any crowd he wanted to belong in.
And Ben was...
Ben was pretty much the opposite of all of that.
He learned early on that not only had he been cursed with a body that was too tall and gangly to blend in and disappear the way he wanted, but that his personality wasn't enough to make up for it.
He was painfully shy, quiet, and solemn. He had never been good looking by common standards, and considered strange by most, he never fit in.
His mother had of course insisted that he was not strange but different, and it was good to be different, to stand out.
He'd doubted anyone had ever dared to pick on her, though. Her particular brand of standing out served her well. She enjoyed her social status, and didn't mind being in the public eye as a politician.
Ben's crippling social anxiety had not come from her, clearly.
It hadn't come from his handsome, daring father, either.
He was just an anomaly, too odd to even fit in to his own family.
At least, that's what he'd been convinced of then. And they'd always been too busy to convince him otherwise.
So, things only got worse for him when he started high school.
Ben's home life was lonely and chaotic. When his parents were home, they were fighting, both too wrapped in their own issues to notice his, until they'd gotten out of control.
He started getting into fights at school, and numerous suspensions over them lead to an expulsion. Expulsion then lead to being stuck at home with his uncle Luke as a tutor, and that had been its own unique kind of torture.
Luke and Leia had both gone to Ivy League schools and graduated at the top of their class. Education was important to them, especially his uncle. Even more important than silly things like, say, Ben's sanity.
So, Ben had been a proverbial can of gasoline and Luke had been the match. He pushed Ben too far and too often, and when he struck with words ("you'll never make anything of yourself like this," "you'll be working the grill at McDonald's for the rest of your life if you keep it up.") Ben struck back with a fist and broke his uncle's nose.
That same day, feeling stuck and furious and reckless, he stole one of his father's classic cars and wrecked it trying to run away.
The irony had been that the accident had broken his back, so after a short hospital stay, he'd been confined to his bed in the house he'd tried to run away from, hopelessly stuck again.
It would have been absolutely agony if not for Poe, and that was when Ben started seeing him as less of a rock in his shoe that his mother forced him to spend time with, and more of a friend. A brother, even.
Instead of spending the summer chasing girls or going to parties, he'd stayed with Ben, watching movies or playing video games, just hanging out.
Not even his own parents had ever spent that much time with him. And Poe did it of his own volition, just because he'd wanted to.
So, naturally, Poe had earned himself Ben's undying respect and gratitude. Pain in the ass though he could be at times.
It was the only reason Ben was even humoring the said pain in the ass right now, when he was carrying on about Ben needing to settle down of all the fucking things, when they are at the bar and he's trying to watch the game.
He's been on Ben's case about dating since middle school, even more so after he got married, and he's gotten even worse since he knocked up Kaydel.
"Look," Poe says in the firm way he says things that he thinks are right, a way that suggests he's ready to fight over it, if need be. Poe is relentless in that way, committing himself completely to his ideas and opinions. "It's just…It's incredible, man. Being in love is so life changing, and you deserve that Ben. You deserve to know what that's like."
He'll never be able to convince Poe of what he can't even convince himself of: that he's happy with his life, that he doesn't want to share it with anyone else.
Still, he tries, because if there is one thing worse than perpetual, miserable loneliness, it's rejection.
Ben knows what that is like better than most. Granted, he hasn't ever set himself up to be rejected by a girl, but he doesn't want to start now.
He's in therapy,and has been for the last six years. He's made progress on many issues, but crippling self-doubt and low self-esteem aren't among them. He's a mess, and he is not relationship material. He's not even friendship material, which is why he only just has the one friend.
The one very persistent, endlessly vexing friend.
"I appreciate your concern," Ben tells him in a forced way that suggests otherwise, "But I'm not ready for that yet. And when I am, you'll be the first to know."
"Yeah but see," Poe pushes on, "I think that's just your insecurities talking. I think you're ready for it but you don't know how to get it. And you think you have nothing to offer, but dude. You're smart and loyal, and funny and caring. Not to mention you are fucking ripped. You're a solid eight out of ten, okay? You could get chicks easily. You could be drowning in chicks. Hell, I'd date you if I was into that."
Ben shakes his head, gives a self-depreciating laugh. "I think you've had too much to drink."
"Don't do that. Don't knock yourself like that, man. You trust me, right? Why would I lie to you?"
Ben does trust Poe, but he's one of only a handful. Trust issues are another thing he's been working through in therapy. He's only just started trusting his parents again, and relationships take trust. It's not something he's sure he's ready for.
"I just think maybe you're biased," Ben says with a shrug. "You're my friend, you feel obligated to—"
"Don't take my word for it then," Poe says, pulling his phone from the pocket of his brown leather jacket.
Ben raises a curious eyebrow and asks uneasily, "What are you doing?" He does not have a good feeling about this.
"Just making a phone call, relax." Poe puts his call on speaker and sets it on the table between them.
It rings ominously.
"Hey sexy," Kay answers, her voice low and husky. "Are you still at the bar? I was just thinking about you while I was in the bath. Wanna talk dirty to me while I-"
"I can't right now sweetie," Poe interrupts, grinning because he has no shame. At least Ben has the decency to feel embarrassed for Kay. He cringes, and glares at Poe across the table. He could have gone his whole life without hearing that.
"Honey, remember the other night, when I asked what you thought of me setting up Ben and Rey?" Kay sounds as confused as Ben feels. Who the fuck is Rey?
"Yes?"
"Remember what you said about him?"
"Uh...that he's hot as fuck?"
Ben's nearly chokes on his beer. His eyes widen, and his face burns with embarrassment. Because this, this is humiliating.
"Yep, and what else?" Poe coaxes, wiggling his eyebrows at him.
"That he's probably got a big cock."
Jesus, why?
Poe closes his eyes, suppressing a laugh. Ben wishes a sudden sinkhole would open and swallow him down. "No. No the other thing."
"That he would make someone very happy?"
"That's it. Thank You, sweetie."
"Why are you asking me this?" Kay wonders, before realization dawns and a flat, angry tone comes over the speaker. "Poe...tell me I'm not on speaker phone."
He hastily reaches for it, takes it off speaker and mumbles to her for a moment. Ben assumes he's getting yelled at. He really hopes he is.
But when he ends the call, he looks a little too triumphant for a man who'd just been chewed out.
"See? What'd I tell you?"
Ben narrows his eyes, "You're a dick, you know that?"
Poe only shrugs. "If I'm a dick for wanting you to be happy, then so be it."
"I am happy." He is not convincing, but what else can he say? The alternative is admitting that he isn't happy, that he hasn't been for a long time, and maybe never will be.
That has little to do with dating though, and Ben can't understand how that will help anything. It's just setting himself up for more failure.
"You're a terrible liar." Poe doesn't need to point it out, Ben knows. "You gotta take a chance on something sometime, Ben. Let me set you up, please. Just one date. If it doesn't work out, I'll never bother you about it again."
In the end, Ben has had a little too much to drink and caves. Somehow, Poe always gets his way.
It's a Saturday night in mid-May, and he's stuck in traffic.
He should have left work an hour earlier, but the game had gone into overtime and he'd been trapped in the office until it was over. He hadn't had time to go by his apartment to shower and change, and now his cellphone is dead, so he has no idea what time it is.
He's aware that none of this bodes well for a first date. He's supposed to be at Rey's by 8 o'clock, and he's pretty sure 8 o'clock has come and gone already.
He considers giving up and going home. He very nearly does, but he's closer to her place than he is to his, so he stays the course, soldiers through, despite having to fight himself every step of the way because he does not want to do this.
He doesn't think he's ever dreaded anything more.
Which is strange, because deep down, this is what he wants. Companionship, a connection with someone, a chance to find something meaningful.
What scares him is the possibility that it just isn't in the cards for him, that he'll end up like his uncle Luke, a sad, lonely hermit.
He pretty much is that already.
It's depressing as fuck.
When he arrives at Rey's, he realizes that the eternity he just spent in traffic has given him the absolute worst case of helmet hair ever. He'd really like to ask the universe what the fuck its problem is, why it's so committed to working against him all the goddamn time.
He pulls a cap from the storage compartment on his bike and sighs, steeling himself to get this over with.
Rey lives just outside of the city, where the rent is cheaper and the buildings are less crowded. Her building is average, with three floors, tiny balconies and no elevator.
He climbs the stairs to the second floor, and hesitates a moment before finally pressing the doorbell on unit number 206.
When Rey answers, he knows he's made a terrible mistake.
She's stunning. Poe had used the word cute to describe her, but that couldn't be more of an understatement.
And he's standing here in his work clothes, wearing a baseball cap he's had since high school.
For some reason, the only thing his panicked mind can think to say is, "Am I late?"
"Um...yes," Rey answers, wearing a frown that tells him he has fucked up. "An hour."
"Shit," he mumbles, taking his hat off to run his hand through his hair. A nervous tick. "There was traffic, and I don't have a clock on the bike."
"You...biked here?"
Ben raises an eyebrow; did she really think he rode a bicycle here? He must be making a very awful first impression. "Yes," he elaborates, "On my motorcycle."
"Oh," she replies, looking down at her dress. "Uh, I'm not...I'm not really dressed for forty mile an hour wind."
No, she really isn't. She's dressed for a fucking date with someone who drives a car and has the decency to pick her up in it. Someone not like Ben, who hadn't really thought this thing through.
"Right," he follows her eyes to her dress, and that's a very stupid idea. It's sleeveless, baring tan skin and freckled shoulders, tight enough to hint at a perfect body but just flowy enough to leave it to his suddenly very active imagination.
He forces himself to look away before things get even more awkward. Especially because they're at a stalemate now that he can't actually take her anywhere. This may be over before it's even begun.
"I could drive," she offers. "I have a car. I just...I need to grab the keys."
She shuts the door when she goes back inside, leaving him in the hall.
The quiet moment makes his thoughts seem louder, his insecurities surfacing. She is disappointed by him already and he'll only keep disappointing her. She put loads of effort into this and he put none. She's strikingly beautiful and he isn't impressive in the least.
It suddenly occurs to him that maybe she isn't looking forward to this either. That maybe she was just dragged into it like he was.
It's better if they just cut their losses now, isn't it?
"Are you leaving?" She asks, bewildered.
He shrugs, falling back on an old defense mechanism. He learned early on that it's better to appear indifferent, so people don't know that they've gotten to you. A flash of fire to hide a weakness. "Might as well, right? Or would you rather we wasted more of our time?"
Rey blinks at him, stunned. "We've barely even spoken to each other and you've already decided that this is a waste of time?"
"I mean...yeah?" He answers, running his hand through his hair again and giving a humorless laugh. "Let's be honest, Rey. You're not crazy about this idea and neither am I. The only reason why either of us is going through with it is because our mutual friends set it up. So, we can keep faking it if you want, or we can just call it a night. Personally, I have other things I'd rather be doing right now."
Like not roping her into spending time with him out of a forced obligation.
"Wow." She's angry, and flabbergasted. Ben wonders why, when she could be doing better things with her time, too. She probably has no shortage of available men panting after her, any one of them would probably take her out now.
"You're..." she fumbles for a word, "Such an asshole!"
He's been called worse, and he definitely deserved that, but it still stings.
"What were Kay and Poe thinking?"
He huffs a laugh and shakes his head. He's been wondering that himself, all day. "I don't know, clearly they weren't thinking at all." They must have known that he and Rey aren't compatible, surely, they had to know she was way out of his league?
"Anyway, enjoy your Saturday."
He puts his hat back on and can hear the sharp sound of a door slamming behind him as makes his way down the hallway, already tasting the bitter beginnings of regret.
If this doesn't get Poe off of his back about dating, Ben doesn't know what will.