The gravel was hard beneath her feet as she stood watching the coffins get lowered into the ground. With each breath the box sank further and further down into the rectangular hole. Inhaling harshly Sakura tried to stop the sob escaping. She'd never see them again, never hear their voices; lower and lower into the ground. With each second they got further away from her. Her hand tightened around the one holding hers. This time she wasn't quick enough the sob escaped, breaking the silence of the mourners around her. All their sad downcast eyes turned to watch the now orphaned girl. Their pity made her uncomfortable and their gazes felt hot on her skin, she looked away rubbing her wrist across her eyes. The skin was tight and dry from tears; she stared at the flowers being thrown in on top of her parents. Cold, motionless corpses of her now dead parents; parents she'd never see again. A cold gush of wind rushed past her making her shiver; the soil was now being thrown onto of the coffins. Sakura broke free of the grip and turned away she couldn't watch this. She couldn't watch them being forgotten beneath the earth.
"Sakura" a strained voice called after her but she barely heard it. Everything else seemed so loud she could hear the wind howling in her head blocking out everyone else. She placed her hand over her mouth as another sob broke free. They were gone forever now she'd never hear their voices again. She was now all alone.
"Life has changed not ended"
The epitaph burned in her memory mocking her as she heard the priest telling the others to let her go, that she needed to be alone. How would he know what she needed? He didn't know her at all. The will had been so specific the house was to be sold and Sakura was to go live in Japan, where her house keeper was from. Amaya had been with them since Sakura was born. She was a third parent really more so than a housekeeper, she'd mind Sakura until her parents came home. She had taught Sakura Japanese as she was growing up so there would be no language barrier. But the will wasn't meant to be needed; it was just in case, none of it was meant to come true. Sakura raked her fingers through her hair pulling some strands painfully with her. She trusted Amaya but she didn't want to leave New York; she'd be leaving behind her friends, school, her life. Not only would she never see her parents again but she'd never see their grave. She'd never walk through the house they lived in. She'd forget the smell of her mother and the taste of strawberry waffles. She'd forget the smudge of blue paint by the kettle in the kitchen. Slowly those clear images would fade and her parents would be decaying bodies lying in the crowd in New York as she wandered through Japan.
She wasn't even being given time to mourn. The flight was today, the day of the burial she'd be leaving them all alone in this God forsaken graveyard. She heard Amaya approaching before she saw her. The sound of shoes on gravel was a very distinctive sound, looking up Sakura met her cool brown eyes. Amaya was tall and slender and she always smelled like jasmine and green tea. Sakura looked away she was being selfish, her parents had meant just as much to Amaya as they had to Sakura herself. The hand that touched her head was warm and tough with wear.
"Everyone is gone, do you want to go back alone for a few moments?" Amaya's accent was subtle in her English pronunciation and for some reason right now it seemed comforting. Sakura nodded walking slowly back to the grave with Amaya beside her. The sound of their breathing breaking the silence, puffs of the warm air they exhaled was visible in front of them.
Sakura knelt in front of the head stone her fingers curling on the freshly laid down grass. Beneath this lay her mother and father, eyes shut skin cold. She chocked as the sob rippled through her. Her arms wrapped around the head stone as she hung her head low and cried her hair stuck to the tear streaks on her face. Each breath was shaking and uncontrolled; the stone was cold and hard in her arms. The names of her parents etched beautifully onto it. Sakura shook her head and ran her fingers over their names each letter so important to her. This was it, this was goodbye, forever. Her hand hung in the air between the stone and her body.
"Goodbye" she whispered her voice strained and raw with pain. She stood up not bothering to brush the grass off her now numb knees, it was a cold November. Amaya took her hand and lead her along the path away from the headstone, away from her parents, away from New York and onto her new life.
Sometime in between leaving the graveyard and the car journey to the airport Sakura fell asleep. The blackness was inviting and safe, it protected her from all the pain that waking held. She could float around in nothingness numb to her own trauma.
Sakura gasped as she was shaken awake. "We're here" Amaya said her eyes full of pain and worry. Sakura glanced around and saw people pushing trolleys with luggage and others hailing cabs. Sakura closed her eyes briefly and stood up her legs weak beneath her. This was it the beginning of the end. She was about to leave everything she knew behind her. She felt a cold droplet of rain hit her head.
"Let's get inside before it starts raining" Amaya said as she glanced up at the sky. Sakura looked up too, too late she thought as she followed Amaya inside. The furniture had been shipped over a few days ago or so Sakura was told. They'd only taken what they would need. Sakura insisted on packing some of her parent's clothes and no one had to heart to stop her.
The airport was crowded with people rushing from place to place, holding steaming coffee cups and plane tickets. Amaya lead Sakura through the blur of checking in and getting to the departure gate. It was only when she was sitting down with a warm cup of tea in her hands she realised she'd been blanking out for hours, minutes? She couldn't tell.
The silence between Amaya and Sakura wasn't uncomfortable and both understood talking wouldn't change anything. Sakura wrapped her fingers around the hot cardboard of her cut letting the heat sink into her cold fingers. Amaya sat perfectly still watching Sakura from the corner of eye. The girl was staring blankly out the huge window at the grey sky as planes came and went. Her eyes were vacant and lost elsewhere, it was worrying how Sakura curled in on herself and lost her connection with reality so easily now. It was like she was a balloon and now that nothing was tying her down she'd just float off on her own accord.
Sakura knew Amaya was worried but she couldn't bring herself to do anything about it, it would take to much effort to pretend to be okay and Sakura no longer had energy. Staring out at the sky she watched as the raindrops fell hard and heavy causing a peaceful sound to echo throughout the building. It only seemed fair that it was raining, at least the sky was mourning with her.
Flight J639 852 please prepare for boarding
The announcement broke Sakura's trance, she watched as the people around her gathered up their bags and formed a queue, grabbing her coat Sakura followed Amaya into the line. When they reached the top of the line Sakura handed her passport barely looking at the man who handed it back to her and waved her on. Everyone else around her seemed so far away. Sakura followed Amaya onto the plane and sat down in the cool air conditioned cabin, putting on her coat and lying back against the head rest Sakura closed her tired eyes. It was going to be a long flight and sleep was the only safe place she had left, without another thought Sakura succumbed to the intoxicating pleasure that was sleep.
It was dark outside as Sakura followed Amaya to the taxi, her brain was sluggish from sleep and she felt like she'd taken too many painkillers. It was raining lightly, Sakura barely noticed, staring up at the airports bright lights contrasting with the black sky. She watched Amaya place a bag into the trunk of the cab and ask the driver something. This was Amaya's home and what Sakura was feeling right now Amaya must've felt when she was in America. Sakura looked down and walked over to the cab her head spinning as she listened to the familiar sounds of Japanese.
It was weird switching her brain off English and onto Japanese, it felt like as soon as she stepped on that plane she had shrugged off her identity and left it behind. Now she was an orphan, a foreigner in a strange place where no one knew her. She'd been handed a blank canvas all over again.
Sakura climbed into the cab and touched her fingers to the cool glass of the window, her mind jumping to that grey graveyard in New York. Curling her fingers she shook her head, she wasn't going to cry. The cab started to move and left the bright lights of the airport behind them. Sakura stared out at the skyline of bright lights and unfamiliar buildings, it was beautiful she'd give it that but it wasn't home. Yet, in the dark it mimicked New York with the tall skyscrapers and busy roads all light up in the blackness. Sakura leaned her head against the window fogging up the glass with her breath, would this place become home? Would she grow to know these roads and buildings? Would everything she used to draw comfort from become nothing but a photograph in her memory? Sakura closed her eyes for what seemed to be a few moments.
Sakura jerked away with the stopping of the cab, had she fallen asleep? How long had it been? Looking out the window knowing she wouldn't recognise anything anyways. She swallowed the thick feeling in her throat and glanced at the clock in the front of the cab the numbers swayed before her until she focused. 2:30 AM Sakura sighed it'd been over 13 hours of a plane ride and they'd left at 12. If she guessed right she'd only been asleep for 20 minutes or so, jetlag hadn't really taken affect yet. Sakura sat back again watching the lights blurring into each other as they drove by.
It wasn't as cold as Sakura thought it would be but it wasn't warm. The house before her was small, dark and she presumed empty. This was going to be her new home, she pulled her mother's scarf closer to her nose inhaling the smell of coffee and her perfume. Amaya was already unlocking the door not wanting to stall around in the cold. Sakura walked down the small driveway leading to the house. By the time she reached the front door Amaya had turned on some of the lights, the house was empty except for the brown boxes lining the hallway. Sakura ran her hand over the USA sticker.
"We'll unpack tomorrow, not all of the stuff has arrived they told me it'll all be here in a day or two." Sakura walked into the kitchen and saw Amaya leaning on a countertop.
"Okay," Sakura said her voice dry she hadn't spoken all day.
"Sakura I-" Amaya didn't finish, she didn't have to they both knew there was nothing she could say that would make any of this any better.
"Why don't you go to bed? We'll unpack tomorrow." Amaya's eyes were searching and full of worry yet again. Sakura nodded eager to leave the empty kitchen. Her feet lead her up the stairs and into the first bedroom she found. A mattress was lying on the floor with pillows and blankets, the bed frames obviously hadn't arrived yet. Someone else has been here was the first thought that entered her head and as she pulled off her black coat the second was I've no pyjamas. There folded neatly on the corner of the pillow were flannelette pyjamas, they looked warm and inviting. "Huh" Sakura exclaimed and gabbed them as she undressed and changed, glancing briefly down at her knees she noticed green smudges from the graveyard. Her chest tightened and she swallowed, even if the distance increases the pain doesn't.
Crawling into the mattress she forced her eyes shut but that didn't stop the tears from coming. They slid down her raw cheeks, pale and blotchy from days of crying. Would this pain ever go away? She turned over and curled herself into a ball holding her mother's scarf close to her chest. The scent only making her pain worse, she'd never be able to go to her mother with a problem. She'd never get to see her father roll up the sleeves of his blue shirt as he decided to take a plan of action. No more getting up on Sunday mornings and doing the crossword with him as her mother made waffles. She'd never hear their voices, hold their hands, kiss them. They were in New York 6 feet under alone. The pain washed over Sakura in waves keep her awake trying to take her mind off it she raked her nails over her cheek. The pain was excruciating but it worked the throbbing of her face silenced her mind. Without meaning to Sakura fell asleep.
Amaya stood at the other side of the door listening as Sakura's breathing finally slowed and deepened, she'd finally fallen asleep. With each little gasp as she swallowed her sobs Amaya's heart had broken even further. Sakura was in pieces, shattered wandering around lost in her own body. Amaya leaned her head against the door frame if she could take away the girls pain she would but she couldn't, all she could do was watch.