JJ had been terrified – more so than any time in her career to date. It was a debilitating, paralysing kind of fear that consumed her so completely that at times it stole her ability to think; to breathe. Hankel, prison, Emily's death or even his addiction didn't compare to the terror she felt praying that he'd find a way to survive until they found him. Praying that they found him.
She almost wished she wasn't there when the team rescued him from Merva and the Believer's. Her best friend, confidant, colleague – the Godfather to her two children – looked ready. Ready to die. He had given up on them. He'd stopped fighting and prepared himself for death and that was worse for her than anything she could have imagined. He was too young to be prepared to give up his life as though he had nothing on the earth to live for. Yes, Spencer had had so much taken from him but he had so much life ahead of him.
Spencer was always somebody that she could read, that would open up to her but now she wasn't so sure she knew him as well as she thought. She wasn't sure anybody did. Everybody knew prison had changed him, Diana's dementia had changed him and Derek leaving had left its mark; even Hotch's departure had not come at the best time. She couldn't help thinking that each event had made him build up his armour a little more until he only showed them what he wanted them to see. She could no longer read him the way she used to; he wasn't the open book anymore and JJ didn't know when that had happened just that it did.
His 'thank you' had felt like a goodbye. Did he know?
"Hey JJ, have you seen Reid? I just, need to hug him again. Need to see him again and reassure myself that he's alive and okay." Garcia approached the blonde, interrupting her dangerous train of thought.
Jennifer looked up at her friend, momentarily startled before glancing around the bullpen. The genius had been here. He had insisted he wanted to stick around – finish up the case file and that he was going to leave with her. Panic began to wash over her. "He was supposed to leave with me. He must be here. He can't be gone again, he just can't."
Penelope walked over to his desk noticing that his satchel was gone and grimaced. "He's left. We can call him?"
The blonde profiler shook her head. "I can't lose him like I lost Roz." Her voice cracked as tears filled her eyes, pleading with the tech analyst to understand the implications.
"You don't think…"
"He thanked me for everything I've done for him before he… Before he was taken. He's never done that before, never had to; it's just what we do for each other, all of us because we're family. It reminds me of Roz, the way she said goodbye to me. He either knew what was gonna happen which is unlikely or he…" She didn't have to finish for Penelope to know what she was saying. It was a hard thing for either woman to process though it made sense from that aspect. He'd been through a lot through a short space of time and though he was the strongest person they knew it was a lot to shoulder, to handle.
Garcia collapsed in the younger man's chair, tears sliding down her cheeks. How was she supposed to deal with this? "Do you know where or how to find him? Somehow I don't think my tracing capabilities are going to be of any use right now. He's too smart to be found if he wants to stay hidden. It'll take somebody who really knows him."
JJ sighed a sigh of utter despair. "I'm not sure I do know him anymore. I don't know if anybody does."
"Snap out of it JJ!" Her friend retorted, a renewed fire in her eyes. "This is Spencer. We know him! You know him. He's the guy who talks our ear off about facts and who wanted to take you out on a date but I ruined it and he's the best Godfather to your children. He's the man who has been knocked down but gotten back up again more times than I count and who I admire more than anybody else in the whole world so we have to find him! We can't let him down because he has never let us down."
Jennifer stood up and wiped her tears. "You might just be the genius of this team, Pen." Giving her a kiss on the forehead, she grabbed the keys off her desk and began to leave. "I think I know where he is but it's best I do this alone. I'll keep you updated."
Reid had tried for years to figure out an answer to why everybody he loved left but he'd never figured it out. He watched his mother leave a little bit everyday and he'd slowly begun to accept the fact that he couldn't really help her; not in the way he wanted to. He couldn't cure Dementia in the same way he'd been unable to cure her Schizophrenia. Maybe it was him – maybe he was just toxic to those around him. Elle, Gideon, Maeve, Morgan, Hotch. Garcia almost died tonight.
Was it wrong to just want oblivion? To need the quiet so much it hurt. Part of him thought it was weak but the other, stronger part of him didn't care; just needed relief. Hotch used to be strong with him but he wasn't around anymore… Spencer resented him for that. Even though he was safe the man hadn't reached out, not to him or any other members of the team. They'd spent so many years of their life together, they'd saved Hotch's life again and he couldn't reach out. He knew how necessary he was to Reid.
"Hey, I thought I'd find you here." Jennifer's voice penetrated through the hazy thoughts of Spencer's mind though he barely acknowledged her presence. She sat next to him at the table, glancing briefly at the contents in front of him before focusing on his face. "We were worried about you."
"Don't be." His voice was blunt but tired. He ran both of his hands through his hair, a betrayal of his stress.
"What's that, Spence?" She indicated towards the envelope midway between them both, though she had a suspicion as to what it was.
A brief glance at the object then to her face, he spoke. "My letter of resignation."
"And what do you need the Dilaudid for?" The blonde asked her voice tight in an effort to maintain control. She wanted to ask what he was thinking – literally – because he had definitely been working on his poker face.
Reid didn't answer her. He just ran his hands through his hair again.
"Spence, why did you buy Dilaudid?"
"JJ, just leave. Go! I don't want you here, okay." His voice was clear and he maintained eye contact. It hurt her she had to admit but she wasn't going anywhere.
Sitting back in her chair and folding her arms across her chest she raised her chin in a challenging motion. "If you want to take that you can do so in front of me. If you're going to throw your life away –"
"You're so goddamn self-righteous!" Reid exclaimed. "What do you want from me, Jennifer!? I'm just a man- you all need to stop putting me on some goddamn pedestal. I think about taking that stuff every day. It is a constant struggle. It was Hotch that used to help me but he fucked off and even though we saved him and his son where is he? He hasn't even bothered to write a letter or call! I've lost too much, there's nothing left to throw away."
JJ stared at the broken man in front of her and her heart broke for him. What could she say? How did Hotch used to talk him down or deal with him? She couldn't fix this or make it go away. Words weren't going to heal him. She would probably be rejected if she tried to hug him…
"You have us. You will always have me, your Godchildren, Will, Garcia. She's really worried about you. It's the fact that you do this – overcome an addiction twice, dealt with all of the blows that you have out of life and are still standing that make us so proud of you. We admire you because we've never known anybody as brave or as strong as you. We know you're smart but you're loyal and kind and you're the best Godfather and friend that anybody could ask for and that is why it seems that we put you on a pedestal. It's because you're everything I'd want my children to be Spencer Reid. Everything. If my children grew up to be like you I'd be proud, I'd be happy." She stood up and walked over to him, held his face between her hands. "I'm proud to call you my best friend. I'm so glad to have the privilege to know you – and I want to thank you for letting me into your life, for saving my life and for being the best role model for my children that I could ask for."
"You deserve the world, Jennifer Jareau. And I told you I'd get Henry and Michael into Yale so…" Reid told her as he pulled her into a hug. He heard JJ laugh and sniff a little, emotional from the situation.
"Please don't take the Dilaudid." She whispered, pleading with him from the comfort of his arms, her face still buried in his shirt.
He sighed, kissing the side of her head. "I'm not going to. It's an old vial I keep here in the medicine cabinet to get out when I feel like I need to get my head together. I've never used it and though at times I feel the overwhelming urge to take it I never do cos of something Hotch always told me to do."
"What did he tell you do?" Jennifer asked.
"Write my letter of resignation." Reid supplied her with the answer almost instantly. "He told me that it's one of the many things I'd be giving up if I ever took it and that if I wrote it and was prepared to give up my job and the people there then I'm free to take it and he'd never stop me but if there was even a small bit of doubt then I shouldn't do it." He smiled a small smile. "He also told me to write a pros and cons list but I've never really needed to do that because I've always managed half of the resignation letter and decided that the Dilaudid isn't worth it but Hotch made me finish it all."
"Bit harsh." Jennifer remarked with a grimace.
"Yeah, worked though." He told her with a small smile. "I still do it, it helps. He knew what I needed at a point when I didn't and words or comfort wasn't gonna cut it. I needed something to do – I needed to realise what I could lose. He showed me. Sometimes, especially back then you all would treat me like a child and he didn't when it came to my addiction which was the best thing he could have done for me."
The blonde nodded, though she figured there was a lot more to the story that he would never tell her. "Promise me that if you're ever feeling this way again you'll let me or someone else on the team know? Coming to Hotch's place isn't healthy…"
Reid smiled a strained smile. "This helps me, Jayje. Leave it be." His tone was final and brooked no room for argument. It sounded very Hotch-like. "I'm not resigning and I'm not taking Dilaudid, you didn't have any reason to worry. I'll leave with you now if you want me to and be back in work bright and early tomorrow."
The blonde thought about it for a moment. "You can stay with us for the night? Though Emily said you're on mandatory leave for the next few days."
"I'm always on leave." Reid rolled his eyes as he locked Aaron's apartment for what felt like the last time.