Disclaimer: I'm not James Patterson, so I hold no claim to Maximum Ride. (If I did, though... sayonara Dylan...)
NOPE, STILL HAVEN'T GOTTEN OVER THE LAST BOOK YET.
Snoring : More Awkward Fax! Fang snores. And freaking loudly too. It's quite a pity that Fang seems to wake up just as Max is desperately trying to turn him on his side, mainly because of her own revealing position. FAX FOREVER. Set During School's Out Forever, after they leave Anne's. One-shot. Max's POV.
Ah, sleep. Nothing beats it you know? After a hard day of smacking Erasers into next week, I think the entire flock deserved quite a bit of it, anyway. And I used to think that Fang and I were in agreement about these things. The kids come first. But as soon as we landed, his head hit a comfy-looking rock and he was out for the count.
Grumbling, I offered, like the martyr I am, to take the first watch. Needless to say, there were no objections from anyone. Angel and Nudge snuggled together, with Total at their heels and Gazzy and Iggy kept an acceptable, manly distance from one another in the far corner. Ladies-man extraordinaire was busy dreaming by the lump of rock to my right.
I settled down, bringing my knees up to wrap my arms around them. I pouted at the thought of being replaced by Anne Walker. Yeah, that was likely. She wouldn't last one night sleeping in a cave. And this was a relatively comfy cave too. No, the best hope for the flock was for us all to stick together. And despite what anyone else thought, I was pretty much the best person to make sure that happened.
It was a first. I was actually enjoying my time on watch. The flock was safe and snoozing and I was the leader again. And I had the wonderful thought of never going back to school happily circling my brain. I did feel bad for JJ, though. And for Sam. They had plenty of years of schooling ahead of them.
A sound to my side jolted me slightly. And no, before you ask, I do not enjoy being jolted. I glanced to my right, unaware of what to expect, frowning. Fang lay on his back, mouth gaping open. Despite the amazingly serious face I have when I keep watch, I snorted at the sight of him.
Laid out like a baby, hands splayed out I swear I had to resist the urge to tuck him in. He snored again, making the sides of my mouth twitch up. Just a little. Don't worry, I had them firmly down a second afterwards. No matter how adorable he might've looked while sleeping, he definitely hadn't made up for embarrassing me about Miss. This-is-not-my-natural-hair-colour.
He snored again, louder this time. Looking around, I saw Angel shift in her sleep. I rolled my eyes. It was hard enough to persuade Angel to sleep most of the time. If she woke up on account of Fang's breathing problems, I would not have been a happy camper. I twitched my fingers, trying to decide what I should do. Sure, I needed to shut him pronto but waking him up just seemed kinda mean. I mean, he was wiped out. Plus the fact that he'd probably find a new way to humiliate me about his red-haired admirer if I did.
I racked my brains, thinking of something to do. I mean, who has spare socks when you need them? I could've rooted through Gazzy or Iggy's backpack but I don't think I would've gone that far. Even concerning Fang.
Another snore and Angel's feet began stretching out. Crap, something needed to be done quickly. Of course, if someone needed a smack, I was perfect for the job. If I needed to make Fang quiet without waking anyone else, well let's just say that it wasn't up there in my list of top ten skills.
Rising slowly, conscious of how loudly I was breathing, I tiptoed across the cave to where Fang was happily dreaming, of red-heads no doubt. I knelt beside him awkwardly, unsure of what approach to take. He snored again, as his chest rose and fell with each breath. I blinked, desperately looking for a solution.
Then I had a light bulb-worthy moment.
I could practically hear Ella in my mind. I remembered her telling me about the time she'd gone camping with her school and they'd turned someone on their side to stop them from snoring.
"We had to wrestle him down!" I could hear her giggling.
Relief. Okay, so I'd wrestled Fang before. We used to do it all the time when Jeb was teaching us to fight. Back then, we were more evenly matched so it'd always be a popcorn event to see which one of us would get the better of the other. When we grew bigger however, let's just say that I did indulge in a bit of dirty fighting every once in a while. My leg would usually slip a little. Quite painfully too, or so I'm told.
At first, I tried the regular shoving motions. I levered his shoulder up with my arms but I got a bit worried that he'd end up face-planting. So I abandoned that approach, opting for the more gentle-drag and drop movements.
I placed one leg on each side of him, trying to ignore my own blushes. He snored again, causing my arms to jolt up. I cursed his stupid, perfect nose and got back to work. I gripped his shoulder and began to pull sideways, gritting my teeth. Boy, let me tell you firsthand, tooth-face has one heavy shoulder.
I pulled again but as I did this time, my fingers slipped and well, so did Fang's shoulder. Hard. Have you ever had one of those moments where you know you're about to do something horrendously stupid but instead of stopping yourself, you let yourself do something even more stupid to add to the first thing? No? Well, neither had I until then. Until I saw Fang's eyes flutter slightly, opening imminently.
My hands snapped around his wrists and I slammed them down on the ground beside his head. If my earlier mistake hadn't woken him already, that, I'm pretty sure, did.
His eyes had snapped open the second I'd slammed his hands down. His body had tensed immediately as his eyes focused, revealing his position. Or, more to the point, mine.
I guess to most guys to wake up and find a girl straddling you and holding you down might be a little scary but after a few seconds of him looking at the situation, he looked directly in my eyes.
"In most cultures, this is called rape."
I flushed, uncertain as to whether I wanted to laugh or scream. My grip around his wrists tightened and I scowled.
" You were snoring, idiot. I was trying to make sure that you wouldn't wake the others!" I shout-whispered.
"So you decided to sit on me."
I gritted my teeth, knowing that he loved seeing me squirm.
"No, I wanted to turn you on your side. Your shoulder really needs to diet."
For a second or two, the two of us just glared at one another. I did because of his stupid rape joke. He did probably because his male bravado had been stung by my joke about his shoulder. Good. The last thing I needed was for Fang to get it in his head that he was the Lab coat's gift to women. Ugh, shudder.
"One more question?" He asked bluntly.
"Shoot." Alright, brain, prepare yourself for another sexual reference coming at'cha.
He arched an eyebrow.
"Why are you still holding me hostage? Clearly, I'm not sleeping anymore."
I swallowed, blinking. Damn, I hated his logic. And I really hated the stupid smirk he had.
Slowly, I realised the tension in my hands and withdrew them, sitting up on him, preparing to slide off. Let's just say that my sliding would've been a lot cleaner had I not been watchful of his smirk. Or it would've been one hell of a lot cleaner had someone not grabbed me into a weird bear-hug.
Now, I know what you're thinking. Aww, Fang is being reasonable enough to thank Max for all of her trials concerning his nose. Or aww, Fang doesn't need a dumb red-head. Probably not aww, Fang is going to slam Max on the ground and knock the breath out of her.
And, trust me, slam he did. He pushed me against the ground and trapped my arms in the same way that I'd trapped his. Of course, I didn't feel it necessary to gloat with that stupid smirk. I was merely working for the greater good.
"Where does this leave us now?" He asked and for a second I was really confused. Leave us-like you know, romantically? Because on that front, I didn't have a clue.
"You're still keeping score, right?" He asked and then something clicked in my head. Ah, he meant wrestling. Of course he meant wrestling. I glowered at him, wanting to spit at him.
"Yeah, it's something like me- a million. You-minus twelve."
"Doubt it. I'm definitely up to about minus five by now!"
Ha, you don't get back into my good books that easily. He arched his eyebrow again and I sighed.
"I'm sorry, it pains me to do this but I don't think you're past minus ten yet," his grip around my hands tightened and I could feel the stones under my hands pressing into them, "but perhaps on reflection, you know, maybe we could work something out. Some kind of deal?"
"Bring me up to minus two and I'll get off."
"Well, when you put it like that, I'm afraid I have to decline." I smirked.
He chuckled.
"Wow, I'll have to assume you like being used as a mattress then."
"Better than world saviour. And look at all the perks; no more of Fang's snores! Hurray, it suits everyone!"
He smiled and it was the kind of Fang-like smile that would send shivers down the backs of his enemies. He leaned forward towards my face.
"Then I'll just have to tell you about the dream I was having. You were in it."
I feigned interest, yawning slightly.
"Go on."
"Well I was in the middle. You and, oh who was it? Well you were fighting over me. Oh wait, I know who it was," at this point, my teeth were practically bared. How dare he!
"It was Lissa! And, watch out, she was about to kick your as..."
I slammed him down so hard that I'm sure his grandchildren will feel it. See what he does to me? As if I was jealous of Lissa!
"As if I'd fight over you."
"Well, I'm quite the catch. I've been practising my harmonica everyday!"
I'll admit it, I snorted. Attractively, no doubt. I even had a witty reply to that too, had I been given time to say it. But yes, sadly, we were interrupted.
"Oh good Lord, that's a sight not even a blind kid wants to see!" I heard Iggy to my left and I immediately flushed. Gazzy and Iggy were sitting on their knees after recently waking, staring at us. Well, Gazzy was and evidently he'd told Iggy what he could see. Max lying right on top of Fang. And I mean right on top. Close enough that we were whispering.
Oh, crap this looks bad.
"Guys, this isn't..."
Fang butted in, calmly.
"Max woke me up to yell at me for snoring."
Iggy snorted.
"So what? You had to straddle him?"
And no, I did not miss Fang's stupid smirk this time either. Gazzy looked up at Iggy, confused.
"Straddle?" He asked, looking for some kind of a meaning.
Iggy bit his lip.
"Uhm, tell you what Gaz. I'll grab us a dictionary next time I can and we'll look up rude words til our heads explode." Gazzy shrugged and accepted this, most likely making a list in his head of words that I'd refused to explain to him.
"I'm not sure I agree with this." I said as Iggy lay back down again, once I was safely off Fang.
Iggy shrugged.
"Think of a better way to explain the birds and the bees. Of course, if you and Romeo over there wanted to take over with explanations, I wouldn't object."
That's Iggy for you. Manipulative. Fine. I'll give him one chance to use this against me but next time he mentions it, I'll mince his face. And yet again, I didn't miss Fang's smirk. A second afterwards, I don't think he missed mine either.
I love the jealousy between Max and Lissa over Fang. And I guess I did enjoy seeing Max jealous of Maya (just a little) BUT IF THEY'RE NOT HAPPY AND TOGETHER AND MAKING SARCASTIC REMARKS I WILL DIE.
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