We were only starlight
Burning brightly for a night
"I hate you, Wyatt Logan." The words came out slurred and broken. "I fucking hate you."
"And I hate you." The words came out in a rush.
The worst was they didn't mean them. And they did mean them. They hated each other and they loved each other and they loathed each other and they longed for each other. Lucy took another swig of whiskey. The burn didn't even register. Somewhere in the last five years she'd become addicted to the numbness of alcohol. Somewhere she'd become addicted the lack of feeling.
They were alone in this fight. Jiya was dead. Flynn had left. Denise and Mason were gone too. It was all them. They were the only people in the whole world who understood what it was like to be one timeline away from utter destruction. The world they lived in was so dark, so dangerous and so bleak that anything like hope was fleeting and transitory.
Back in 2018, they'd had hope. But then Jessica had continued to torture them, and Wyatt had continued blindly following her, trying to get her to stop. Lucy had resented him. The sting of being continually rejected made her bitter and reckless. She grew callous and cold. Nothing mattered but winning. Nothing mattered but exacting revenge on her enemies.
Flynn was the only one who understood that. She knew their relationship couldn't last. Two such broken and unstable people were never destined for happiness. But it was something. At least she wasn't alone. And maybe a twisted part of her wanted Wyatt to feel every inch the pain she felt when he abandoned her for Jessica. She no longer cared about anything. Nothing mattered anymore. What was the point when things would always end up here?
Then again it ended badly too. Flynn wanted things from her she couldn't give. He wanted his cake and eat it too. He wanted her dark and vengeful but he wanted her unbroken enough to love him. And she couldn't. Love meant darkness and despair and pain. It meant loss and sadness. It meant that she'd be vulnerable. Besides, her heart was broken beyond repair. It still belonged to the reckless soldier she now hated. She hated him because of that. Why couldn't she be released from it? Why did she still have to feel this pain and sadness?
It ended in a huge blow-up, a public knock out drag out fight with bitter words.
"You're a hard unfeeling bitch." The words came out harsh and ugly.
Lucy only laughed, "That's what you wanted, wasn't it? You always wanted me to be this way. And you're hardly sweetness and life. You were choking me on the second meeting."
"I told you I regretted that."
"Do you? Really? I only am with you because I understand what it's like to want to burn the whole fucking world to end this thing."
"No, you're only with me because you're running. Running away from everything and everyone. Especially him." Flynn put an ironic twist on the words. "Don't think I don't know that you only started this thing because you wanted to get back at him. You wanted to torture him. Well, you god damn succeeded in torturing all of us."
"Don't go playing the victim here. You turned me into this. You encouraged me. That damn journal. I wouldn't be here if you hadn't put me here."
"I wouldn't be here if you hadn't put me here."
"I'm leaving." He looked around. "This isn't worth it."
Lucy watched him go. In the end, there were no regrets. She'd played her cards and once again there was no good end. She'd known ending up with Flynn was a mistake. But it had been a mistake she'd been reckless enough to make. She'd always made sure she had the cards in her hand. Never be vulnerable was the first rule of the game. The old friendship they'd once had became shoved to the side. No feelings involved. This wasn't about that. This was about survival and comfort and not thinking.
"So, you finally managed to screw that one up too?" Wyatt's mocking voice made her turn.
"You don't have a right to judge," Lucy replied. She sank down on the tree branch. "You've screwed up everyone."
"No," He said shortly. "No, I don't have the right to judge. But in the end, we've got no one except each other."
"A lot of good that does us," Lucy replied. She no longer had the power to feel the sharpness of their insults. They flew at each other but they never really made contact. She wanted to see him squirm, see the sadness in his eyes but there was nothing left. Nothing at all. Not in her either. They had nothing left except pain and misery.
They were now drinking again, it seemed they were only somewhat civil when drunk, and Lucy glanced over at him. She hated she still felt the pull of attraction towards him. She had fantasies still, ones that clearly indicated the thoroughly fucked up nature of her mind. She had fantasies he'd drag her over to the nearest tree and tie her to it before fucking her senseless. She wanted to do the same to him. Wanted to hear him beg for release, torturing him until finally, she let him go. Wiping everything except herself from his mind. There would be no tenderness there. Only raw, unspent sexual tension that was five years in the making. But that was impossible. There was no way she'd be able to fool herself into not getting a broken heart again.
"Do you think we were always meant to be this way?" His voice was rough and almost she swore she saw tears in his eyes.
"I don't know." Lucy sighed. She remembered when she was innocent. When blood didn't stain her hands. When she didn't just kill desperately in order to win.
"If only we could change things."
Obviously, she couldn't trust Flynn to change things. What about themselves? Could they trust each other and their past selves to change things?
"We need Rufus." Lucy knew Rufus had kept them stable. He'd kept them from becoming these twisted versions of themselves. They needed him.
"We do."
"Let's get him back," Lucy said.
"You know we might die or something?" Wyatt glanced over at her.
"I don't care. What's the point of our existence anyway? This?" She held up the bottle. "We're fucked up beyond repair. Maybe they aren't. Maybe they still have some humanity left. They'll take one look at us and run the other way."
"You know, we could have been amazing." His voice was softer than she'd seen it in years.
Lucy took another drink. Tears started to prick her eyes, "Yeah, I know."
They went to Chinatown first. Rescuing Rufus proved more difficult. Lucy stayed out of sight but she wasn't able to get a clear shot at Emma because she saw Jessica standing there. Jessica's eyes darkened as she positioned herself, ready to shoot. Even if Lucy shot both Emma and Jessica Rufus would die. New plan.
"I know you're from the future." Jessica's voice rang out. "But I won. Because you wouldn't be here if I hadn't."
Lucy glanced at the woman she hated so much. Jessica Logan was a demon dressed in pink polka dots. A truly horrible woman. Then she ducked out of sight as past Wyatt glanced up and saw Jessica. His eyes hardened and with an angry exclamation he took his blood-soaked ring and tossed it into the gutter.
That was new. Lucy watched as her past self took off after Emma. She knew that was when her past self first took the first fatal steps towards becoming her. She turned away. They needed a new plan.
They touched down in 2018. All of them looked so fucking innocent, even Flynn. He had now clue Lucy had screwed with him so badly. He still thought there was some hope. She glanced down at their former counterparts. The look of awe on their faces. Past Lucy had her arm pressed against Wyatt's back. Lucy felt her lips turn into a smirk. Something important had clearly happened. Something that never happened in her timeline. What had changed it? Had Wyatt seeing Jessica watch Rufus die change it? Had his tossing the ring aside changed it?
They laid out the plan in cold and uncertain terms. The sharp glances and retorts between her and Wyatt were clearly obvious to all of them. Flynn attempted to talk to her but she turned away abruptly. No, she had no desire to talk to him either. Her past self was watching her, loathing in her eyes. Lucy could see her past self hating her. Past Wyatt looked equally disgusted at himself. Good. Maybe they'd not make the same mistakes.
"I don't want to…" Past Lucy began.
"You don't want to be me. Right?" Lucy laughed and leaned against the bunker wall. They'd leave in a few minutes.
"How do I avoid it?"
"Ask Flynn about the journal I wrote. He's playing with fire right now. Knowing what is going on." Lucy glanced at past Lucy. "You will become me if you don't watch out. It happens slowly. Then you wake up and don't recognize yourself in the mirror."
"I hate you." Past Lucy muttered.
"Well, Sweetheart I hate myself too," Lucy replied shortly.
"Lucy, I want to talk." Lucy turned to see Flynn. She didn't particularly want to talk to him.
"I don't think you want to see me. You know what happened in the journal." Lucy replied.
"I hoped…" he began.
"You hoped it wouldn't turn into this cluster fuck, right? Well, we were always destined for this. You and I are too fucked up to ever be happy. I still haven't forgiven you for choking me. I haven't forgiven myself for becoming a murderous bitch. Don't do this. Don't make the same mistakes you made in my timeline."
"Isn't there some hope of redemption?"
"Not with me. Not with me. I can't save you, Flynn. And besides, you know she's…" Lucy pointed to her past self, "Hopelessly in love with someone else."
"Yes," He met her eyes and shrugged. "Well, then I guess the plan is to kill Jessica."
"Yes," Lucy moved away.
"Wait," He paused. "Do I ever get my family back?"
"I don't know. The world isn't a very nice place where I come from." Lucy replied.
Lucy handed the journal to her past self. "Read it. And don't do what it says."
Past Lucy nodded. She didn't meet her eyes. Already she was distrustful and nervous.
"We'll see Rufus." Wyatt's voice broke into her thoughts as she prepared the Lifeboat for liftoff.
"We will."
Simultaneous grins broke across their faces as they sat there. Seeing Rufus was worth it all. Lucy reached out and shook Wyatt's hand.
"Well one thing is certain. We're still kicking ass and saving the world."
xxxxxxxxx
The past versions of them got it. They didn't become them. They were happy. Rufus lived. They fought on.
Author's Note: Ok, so anyone who knows me knows I wrote a long Future Lyatt fic based on the information Shawn Ryan gave in an interview that implied they had a positive fate. Well, for the movie that was clearly changed. Instead being the stablizing force that they were implied to be they apparently hate each other and are kinda assholes. Also for the sake of reference Journal Lucy and Future Lucy are the same person. It's clear the writers are putting a Christmas Carol type twist to this. I really enjoy that even though all my past works are now AU. Oh well, I will contiue writing AU Future Lyatt stuff too.
This is a dark story. There are no happy endings. No ships are endgame. Hell, I doubt any of the characters would know a happy ending if it struck them in the face. I believe that things will be very different for our current group because Rufus is alive and they no have the warning not to do certain things.
Note: I'm not a Garcy shipper. But this is tagged Garcy although as you can see neither ship ends up working. And the idea that Lucy and Flynn's relationship in the journal will end badly is based off of some spoilers. I've tried to stick as close to canon as possible.