A Locked Smile
Notes: Suikotsu x Kikyou Suikotsu thinks about Kikyou while she tends to a patient. Suikotsu POV
Everyday, I watch her at work. She sits staring at her task attentively, occasionally chit-chatting with the patient, but never smiles. Even if they tell a joke or give a compliment she never smiles. She will give thanks but no more. I can't help but wonder what is hidden in those sad eyes. Perhaps a dark secret such as mine. That voice in my mind, so hungry and cruel. Does she hear these things too? No...such purity can not be fraught with a hateful "other self".
I admit, when she first began staying here it was a pleasant change of pace. Most of my life, my interaction with people has almost been exclusively with children and the elderly. To have a beautiful young lady around helps with certain things. I may scold myself for it plenty, but having a girl to watch with lust is rather nice. But...it's not just her body that draws me to her. She is kind, intelligent, and blessed with a truly gentle heart. There she goes, wrapping the bandages with the grace that only she possesses. I kind of wish it were I who had burnt their hand on the fire, rather than Kurosawa-san, so that I may have those soft hands touching my own. It would most likely be the closest I'd ever get to holding her hand...
It's embarrassing really, why she must be only a little over half my age! I know it is not uncommon for men to wed ladies many years their junior but I can't help but feel a little shame over it. Besides, how can I even speak of marriage with her when she is a miko? She is never to wed...or associate with men in a romantic way... Are my hopes defeated? Perhaps they are, but I continue to wish...to long for that girl whose smile is locked away. What pride I would feel if I could bring it to her lips! It would not even need to be a beaming one, even a small little one would do. Or does she smile when I do not look? She may be as shy as I, and smile at me only when my back is turned. Oh, such wishful thinking will not get me any where but it helps ease the pain.
Is it wrong to feel jealous over a woman who is not your wife or even romantically involved with you? So often do I see the men she aids staring at her lasciviously and occasionally making a pass at her and I come close to asking him if he'd prefer my aid in another room instead. She never even notices it though... She seems to put a wall between herself and most people, letting in only certain words and actions. She lets in my thank yous, my requests for help, and the alike but never my compliments, offers of warm affection... If I give her flowers, she puts them in a vase and thanks me but nothing more. No smile, nothing that shows that it touched her in some way. Is she cruel? No. Is she emotionless? Not at all. She's just wishing to avoid growing close to others for her own reasons. I dare not ask her about it, lest I push her away from me any further. I hold on to and cherish what she gives me, which is more than any one else I have seen. For that, I am thankful.
She has been good enough to me to take care of the patients who have conditions involving much blood. I am incapable of handling blood...it makes me feel like I'm about to lose control. But she is there, either doing it herself or wiping it away before I start to sweat. She keeps me sane, perhaps this is Amaterasu's gift to me after my dutiful worship of her. May it even be the deity herself, come to me in a form so lovely that it may be as close to her true shape as possible? No, it is just my mind creating fantasies... I am a dreamer, am I not? I used to dream such awful things...murder and death...but now most of my nights are filled of thoughts of her. Of she and I perhaps one day joining as husband and wife...to have children...to have her smile. Ugh, why do I speak this way?
Such lies I tell myself in my spare time. They just help deal with it all, I suppose. What ever keeps me from just blurting everything I think to her is okay. Who knows what she might think of me if I did? I'm afraid that the thin wall she puts between us may grow as thick or even thicker than that of others... So, I shall stay silent and treasure what I have, even if it isn't a lot. How could ever say that I'm in love with her? Why, I would suspect the demon in my mind of temporarily disabling my self control if I did! Although, I know pretty soon she is going to want to leave... I once was told by wandering swordsman that one who is once a vagabond may return to it at the drop of a hat. Would she stay if I begged? How embarrassing that would be yet I would readily do it.
Aw, the kids are out playing. Do they not love having a mother figure about? Some adore her and understand her solemn demeanor and others are a little scared. One even told me that they saw glowing things about her one night as she sat outside, her habit every night. I laughed, asking if they thought her demon and not woman. No, she could never prove to be an evil spirit. Heaven sent maybe, but an evil entity? I think not. And sometimes I worry...for a few days, she did not come from her room. She lay on the floor of her room all unkempt and squalid. I asked her if she was ill and all I received was a shake of the head and eyes brimming with tears. In a day or so she was up and neat as if nothing had happened. Now I worry, that it may happen again so I watch. Is it so wrong to be concerned for her? What is love more than affection and worry, no?
Aw, I love Suikotsu x Kikyou. Well I hope you liked it! R&R and no flames. Much love.