Disclaimer: I own nothing but the disturbing images my mind conjures. The only profit I get out of this is entertainment for my sick, sick mind. All characters belong to Kubo-sensei!
Warning: Male x male rape, swearing & loads of violence. Please don't read if you believe any of the above mentioned themes will offend you because God knows this little piece of fiction is bound to offend someone's sensibilities.
A/N: This fic kept pestering me and ended up pretty much writing itself. The inspiration for it came from Disturbed's awesome music (there were like 7 songs that I had on repeat for the better part of writing this). I think I had a serious Freudian moment with this one...oh and for the record, pretend that Ichigo and Rukia have been in a relationship for some time as that is what I am assuming while writing this.
Memories/ 'past conversations' are separated by line breaks and written like so.
'Thoughts are written like this.'
Hope that's not too confusing. Enjoy! (If you can)
Eyes of the Defeated
'Watch out King 'cause I'll be there every step of the way waiting for you to fuck up.'
'He feasts on your self doubt Ichigo.'
'You're weak. Weak, weak, WEAK. You can't protect her King...she will battle, she will die, and you won't be able to save her. Not this time.'
'Do not doubt, do not hesitate, do not lose confidence in your own strength Ichigo or he will gain access to the outer world.'
'The Old Man knows...He knows you can't keep me in this shit hole forever. You will fall from grace King. It's not a matter of 'if' but a matter of 'when' and that will be the start of my reign.'
'You are your own worst enemy Ichigo...'
'For once we agree on something Old Man...ain't that a bitch King?'
A million conversations ran through his mind. So many warnings, so many words of caution from both of them and yet he'd still failed... He'd failed to believe in himself.
'You should have never let me out to play King. Didn't the Old Man tell you what would happen?'
Images of the carnage that had taken place filled his vision and yet his mind failed to grasp the whole of it. Bodies lay strewn about, in a macabre jumble of severed remains...it was almost humorous how he could barely discern between fallen enemy and comrade. It had seemed so important when they were fighting and now, now it was meaningless. They were all dead and nothing could change that.
The war had been won. Rukia had been wounded but was alive. He had defeated Aizen as had been expected of him but in doing so he had lost everything. He didn't think he had the strength to gain his own self back anymore.
One simple mistake was all it had taken to unleash another evil upon the world.
'Let me out King. Your people can't fight anymore, you need me. You're strength alone isn't enough to take down the son of a bitch...The queen needs us. Let me kill this bastard for you and the war will be over, you will finally be able to rest...'
The treacherous voice had not demanded but whispered, whispered promises of returning home, of sleep and food, of family and friends being safe. He had been momentarily seduced by the proposal. War had been a horrible sight to behold. He felt tired. Tired of the foul stench of death. Tired of worrying about his family and comrades. Tired of carrying the weight of the world's safety on his young shoulders. So much had been expected of him.
Victory would mean nothing for those who they had lost in battle. And Rukia...Rukia needed help. He could tell that slowly but surely the unyielding light that had guided him through even the darkest night was becoming opaque. Her life, like his will, was dimming slowly but surely.
'We can save her King. I'll lend you my strength...Let me out. Let me out King. Let me out, let me out, let me OUT.'
And just like that everything had gone to hell.
For a brief moment he remembered snippets of the conversations that had taken place over the last few weeks between his hollow and himself.
'I'll be waiting for an opening King.'
'Eventually you'll have no option but to let me out to play King...'
'She looks absolutely delicious like that. The shallow cuts we made adorning her delectable skin. If we're lucky we may even get a beautiful, hoarse scream out of that sinful mouth...'
'Don't talk about her like that.'
'I'll exploit your every weakness.'
'Bite her...you know you want to see her pained face as she comes King. Do it. It's just a little blood...'
'Shut up! I don't want to hear your messed up opinions.'
Who are you trying to convince? You may be able to fool her but I know what really makes you hard King...'
'Shut the fuck up! I am not you. I'd never do something to hurt her.'
"You love seeing her like this, admit it King, it makes you hot. Nothing like a good battle to-"
"Leave me the fuck alone. I will never hurt her. All this shit is yours not mine. They are your fantasies not my own."
"You know that's a lie King but if it let's you sleep at night..."
The battle had gone smoothly. Aizen had been no match for the bloodthirsty beast. But Ichigo had not been able to regain control of his body and the Hollow was moving around eagerly once again.
In a flurry of confusion, Ichigo was thrown into the Hollow's mind. For a chilling moment he could see her, Rukia, through its eyes. Beautiful, defiant Rukia. Blood soaked Rukia. Her cheeks flushed and her mouth set on a grim line. She was sweating and panting with half lidded eyes...her chest rising and falling irregularly while bits of flesh were exposed because of her injuries. It reminded him of when they would make love to her.
'I want to break her.'
Ichigo shook his head trying to clear it of such thoughts. They were not his. He would never think of hurting her. He would never-
'You're a monster just like me King. We are after all one and the same.'
"No. No! I am nothing like you, nothing!"
His mouth felt dry and he honestly didn't know anymore who he was actually trying to convince.
'You know what they say King; one hunger leads to another and I intend to fulfill them all. It's not everyday I get to come out after all.'
He was scared, he feared for her life. He would not let Rukia go through something like what he'd seen in their deranged dreams. Not her...never her. He wouldn't, couldn't just stand and watch. If he had to destroy himself in order to save her he would. With that thought in mind he mustered up what remained of his strength and, in a bout of pure rage, attacked his own inner world.
"Getsuga Tenshō!"
For a few breaths nothing seemed to happened. A few moments later he felt a slight tremor run under his feet. Like a water drop falling in a pond, a massive ripple was generated and before he knew it, the skyscrapers that populated his mind started shaking and groaning in protest. Pieces of debris fell from so high up he couldn't see where they were coming from. The sky darkened and before he could even understand what was happening he had to parry the blow of a sword that came at him with incredible murderous intent.
"You fucking shit! What did you do?"
The Hollow just stood there simmering with a wrath that spoke of its frustration and dissatisfaction. One minute he had been extending an arm towards Rukia and the next he'd been forcefully thrown into their inner world again.
The Hollow's face scrunched up in a deranged parody of bitter heartache, his hands flexing convulsively at both sides of his rigid body. Ichigo had a very lucid moment in which he felt his own sorrowful disappointment at having been pulled from her side before getting to touch her. The immediate realization that the thought was not his own left him feeling very bewildered.
'What the hell's going on...' he thought.
They had shared thoughts before... Ichigo even admitted to himself that, although unwillingly, they had both entertained certain ideas and even dreams (nightmares in his opinion) but never had he experienced such a profound understanding of the creature that dwelt in his mind.
"I was so close...how...how could you!"
The face that had displayed such sorrow turned as easily as it had before into one of furious outrage and like a sullen child he screamed fiercely at Ichigo.
"I will leave this shit hole and I will have her! You can't change our fates King...you renounced that right the moment you let your will waver."
'No time for nonsense,' he thought. Adrenaline and brute force would only get him so far and he knew, after so many battles fought during the last days, that his body and mind were in no condition for a thorough face-off with his hollow counterpart.
With a scream, Ichigo charged at the Hollow hoping to gain the upper hand. He had to end their fight and fast. In the blink of an eye the Hollow disappeared from Ichigo's sight and he found himself swinging his zanpakutō at nothing but air. Ichigo's world tilted sideways and it took him a moment to catch up to the fact that he had briefly lost his balance.
'Shunpo.'
His hazy mind processed the Hollow's move but not even his adrenaline ridden body could keep up with it's speed at that moment. In less than a few seconds it appeared behind him prepared to swing its own sword down on him.
At that point Ichigo became aware that something wasn't right with him. He could barely identify the direction of his opponent's attack before he found himself blocking the vicious thrust, both hands on Zangetsu. The force of the collision sent a tremor up his arms. His vision swam unnervingly but he barely had time to panic. The Hollow sent him flying back into one of the buildings.
"You don't understand what it's like to be stuck here, always getting your damned sloppy seconds! I've seen her...I've felt her smile at us, touch us, come for us with our name on her lips and yet she does not feel mine."
The Hollow's face scrunched up in an uncharacteristic display of sorrow.
"It's not enough King. It's never enough..."
As suddenly as the sorrowful expression had come it wilted off his face and turned into a deranged smile.
"Just you wait King...I'll show the little bitch what it means to be ours."
The Hollow's body tensed in preparation for the next attack. He fully intended to take advantage of the fact that Ichigo had still not been able to get his bearings straight after the last one.
'Shit.'
Was all that Ichigo could think of. A pained grunt escaped him as he tried to untangle himself from all the scraps that had fallen over him. The situation was a fucking mess to say the least. He would not let that demented asshole touch her. He'd seen the gruesome images, heard its taunting voice and dreamt its horrible fantasies. It loved her, in its own fucked up way, yes, but he did and Ichigo didn't know which of the many things he'd been pondering filled him with the most dread.
His stomach clenched with the horrible thoughts, his fear for her threatening to swallow him whole. Guilt was a powerful thing. The fact that Rukia had been dragged into the whole mess with the Hollow was all his fault. No amount of dissuasion would make him believe otherwise. If he didn't love Rukia nearly as much as he did maybe the Hollow's sick infatuation with her would have never been born...
He was having trouble focusing. He could taste blood on his mouth and immediately knew that at the very least one of the ribs that had survived the war without fracture gave in. It had probably punctured something too but before he could come out of his stupor the Hollow came at him again, sword drawn.
"Pathetic! Is this all you've got King?" it spat in disgust and disappeared once again.
Ichigo had to find a way to trap it in their mind even if it meant neither of them would ever see the outside world again.
Time slowed almost to a stop in Ichigo's mind after that and even though he managed to raise his sword in time to counterattack the ferocious slice that came his way he failed to maintain hold of his sword. Zangetsu flew out of his outstretched hand and clattered to the floor with a foreboding clang.
A blur of movement later the Hollow had taken hold of his sword arm effectively twisting it behind Ichigo's back. He lay there on his knees, stunned into momentary submission while the Hollow pulled at his hair with its free hand.
"I want you to be the passenger for once King so sit back and relax 'cause it's my fucking turn to play!"
The Hollow's grip on Ichigo's arm tightened painfully and a surprised scream tore its way through Ichigo when both his wrist and elbow snapped with a sickening pop. Upon hearing the desperate scream the Hollow placed it's face on the nape of Ichigo's neck nuzzling the sweaty skin there. Ichigo writhed under him, his body tense with the acute mind numbing pain.
"I'll destroy everything that you are King. I'll show you what it feels like to truly suffer."
Ichigo was suddenly let go of and fell with an echoing thud, face first, to the ground. His body protested the graceless fall. He sucked in a strangled breath, face scrunched up with pain and effort, and let it out shakily. He wouldn't give the son of a bitch the satisfaction of hearing his pain.
"Even the mightiest fall King. Haven't you heard that the higher they are the harder the fall?"
Zangetsu's white counterpart swung down on Ichigo but what could have been a killing blow merely cut through his clothes and left an angry gash on his back. Ichigo's unwounded arm stiffened and his knuckles turned white with strain but gave no verbal reaction to the abuse.
The Hollow was becoming impatient. Blow after blow he wasn't able to get scream or plea out of him. Ichigo's eyes exuded defiance, their look was condescending and even bathed in his own blood, the Hollow felt as if he were laughing at him.
The Hollow had the distinct feeling that even when Ichigo was the one laying on the floor, he was staring down at him. It was as if he was worth no more than the ground Ichigo stepped on. A wave of fury overcame him. He was mocking him. How dared he mock him? Didn't he understand the position he was in?
"Why-won't- you-scream!"
Every pause in his speech was reinforced by a harder blow than the last and still Ichigo would not break. What came after that was a flurry of raged blows that left Ichigo half conscious and panting, his back looking like a bloody mess.
The Hollow paused, licking his lips at the exciting sight. He knew that he couldn't keep it up anymore. The idea was to teach Ichigo a lesson not to kill him as that would destroy them both. At the rate he was going he didn't trust he'd be able to stop if things went too far.
He needed a way of effectively breaking him, humiliating him. He knew what he'd need to do to sully Ichigo's pride and shatter his resolution once and for all. He would defile him in a way that shattered his every chance at recovery.. As he looked at the appealing body writhing on the floor in a pathetic attempt to stand he could feel a pleasurable tightening on his lower stomach.
"You think your so high and mighty King," he said as one of his hands ghosted around the angry flesh of Ichigo's back. "but I'll show you just how truly alike we are."
The Hollow sat astride Ichigo's back and thrust his tongue into one of the bleeding cuts on his back. A shiver ran down the Hollow's back when he could taste the rising fear on his skin. He tasted good enough to eat. He knew then that he'd enjoy it way more than would be necessary.
"Wh-hat are you doing!"
Ichigo was filled with sudden dread. He already knew the answer to his own question. He'd seen this scene in his dreams, their dreams a million times. The perpetrator had always been the Hollow and, on occasion, both of them but it was Rukia who had always been pinned under their over eager bodies.
"Relax King...I promise I'll let you come," the Hollow whispered as he tore of what was left of Ichigo's shihakusho.
For a horrifying moment he felt the Hollow buck into him, pressing his arousal teasingly over his ass in a sort of preview of what was to come. Ichigo fought to control the panic that was threatening to overtake his mind but fear rolled off him in waves and the Hollow's lower stomach contracted with the ambrosial realization. Ichigo tried to throw him off. He flailed like an enraged beast to no avail.
"You son of a bitch!"
The Hollow cried when Ichigo's elbow unexpectedly, and quite forcibly, connected with its face. In retaliation, the Hollow twisted Ichigo's mangled arm so far back that his vision swam for a moment. The hoarse cry that protested the unmerciful abuse was something he couldn't have controlled if he'd wanted to. The pain was so unbearable that it wasn't until a few moments later that his confused mind could comprehend, to his utter disgust, that his arm was not the only thing in pain.
The Hollow had begun tearing its way into Ichigo's unprepared body. It knew that, without proper lubrication, sex would undoubtedly be a painful experience for the both of them and reveled in the painful pleasure that forcing himself upon such a powerful body brought.
In a vicious display of brutality he found himself buried to the hilt in no time, both of them screaming albeit for different reasons. Ichigo had never felt so helpless, so hurt before, but as the Hollow managed to grope his manhood from under him, the fear that had gripped him slowly turned into a white hot fury.
"So helpless. How does it feel to be the horse now King?" came the Hollow's mocking voice. He had a firm grip on Ichigo's flaccid member as he thrust his erect one into Ichigo's writhing body.
'How dare he...' thought Ichigo. He could not begin to explain what he felt at that moment. So many emotions were taking a hold of him, pulling him in so many different directions, making him feel unbalanced and confused.
"I can't wait to have the Queen just like this..." the Hollow purred.
The comment had been innocent enough and yet the involuntary response of Ichigo's body betrayed his treacherous thoughts on the matter. The outrage he was feeling at the Hollow's intrusion on his most intimate desires could not outweigh the guilt that he felt. He could barely swallow the disgust and self loathing he felt when another firm stroke made to coax his manhood into arousal found it already semi-hard.
"You see King your body doesn't lie,"the Hollow taunted.
Ichigo growled like a caged animal and tried to elbow him again with his free arm but the awkward position he was in kept him out of range from delivering a successful blow.
The Hollow, better than anyone, understood the darkness in their soul. He also understood that Ichigo loathed himself for harboring what he believed where unforgivable thoughts. He'd usually blame the Hollow for the fantasies, the dreams, the thoughts, the unexplainable desires that plagued their soul...
But the Hollow would make him see reason. He'd make him understand that deep down, with or without him, the desires would not cease to torture him because they were truly a making of his own.
If there was one thing Ichigo was not good at it was forgiving his own misgivings and the Hollow would use every advantage to make sure he was buried so deep in self-loathing that he would never see the light of day again. He would push him past his breaking point.
The Hollow shuddered with barely suppressed delight as he thrust into Ichigo's body once again. There was something beautifully tragic about adulterating a soul as pure as Ichigo's. The most exciting thing though, was that it knew exactly what would push him over the edge. It would remind him that in the deepest recces of their mind there was one desire that they shared, one little thing that made them one and the same. It would taint him, it would strip him of his honor and destroy the man he had become.
"...just imagine her King. Writhing under us in a pool of her own sweat and blood...struggling against us as we defile her –screaming– pleading for us to stop..."
"Shut up!"
Ichigo was panting, a pleasurable tingle was running down his shaft as the Hollow finally succeeded in making it stand fully aroused. It sickened him to accept that the thought of taking her against her will aroused him as much as it did his Hollow.
"Admit it King. We've both dreamt of a moment when she's said no and meant it."
"No, I –I'd never– " Ichigo replied incoherently with a distressed look on his face while he shock his head over and over as if to rid it of such shamefully provocative thoughts. The Hollow chuckled darkly before delivering another tantalizing whisper.
"But that's just it King, you know as well as I do that you're lying."
The Hollow knew what buttons to press. This wasn't about sexual gratification although, admittedly, it was a nice plus. It was about exerting power over another, about dominating them in the most intimate way, about forcibly exposing the ugly bits of their souls for the world to see. About making them dance to his own morbid tune. If he played his cards right Ichigo's will would shatter in such a devastating way that he'd never recuperate.
The Hollow applied more pressure to Ichigo's arousal as he picked up the pace and heard an accompanying hiss. He knew a twinge of pain would bring him more pleasure but it was something Ichigo had been wary of exploring even when pleasuring himself for fear of loosing a grip on his self control.
To his utter humiliation, Ichigo's arousal throbbed insistently in the Hollow's unforgiving grip. His body was rigid with the strain of hiding any other evidence of how close he was to losing it but the Hollow knew better. Pre-cum had started to coat his fingers and Ichigo's erection throbbed in painful anticipation. It knew victory was close, he could feel it.
"Think about it King...I've no qualms about sharing her with you. I'll let you ride along as we break her."
"Enough!" he said in a hoarse voice. His mouth felt dry with a thirst that had nothing to do with drink. It was painful to breathe. He was a monster. Rukia might be able to forgive him but he –he'd never forgive himself. He'd failed her so many times before but he felt like this was the greatest failure of them all. The realization that the biggest threat to her was no one other than the one who had sworn to love and protect her, none other than himself was devastating.
"We'll both experience what it will be like to rape her, to abuse her. We'll posses her in the way we've always dreamed of –and yet– you know, don't you? That even when we bleed her, even when betray her trust , she'll still come as beautifully as always because, in the end it'll still be you King, it'll still be us."
"Shut the fuck up!" Ichigo screamed. Indignation and shame colored his strained voice. He would not, could not listen to one more word. Ichigo let slip a breathless plea. He honestly didn't know though what it was he was pleading for; release or an end to the abuse.
For a horrible moment their inner world stood still, as if it felt the tension that assaulted Ichigo's body. His expression contorted with the effort of holding back the painful pleasure in a last rebellious attempt to fight off what he was feeling but the combination of the Hollow's words and ministrations inevitably brought him to a mortifying release. His eyes closed, a whimper left his mouth and his body bent forward in a beautifully broken arch that made his head touch the floor as if his body could recognize the moment of it's utter defeat. The breathtaking image and the spasmodic tightening of Ichigo's body around his manhood made the Hollow hiss with pained pleasure.
Almost as if he was a spectator tumbling upon the vulgar scene, Ichigo felt the Hollow's last desperate thrusts within his body while it still treacherously convulsed with involuntary completion. A revolting few seconds later it's seed shot deep into his body and Ichigo found himself swallowing convulsively a few times to stop the bile rising in his throat. Just like the Hollow knew it would, something in Ichigo snapped in an irreparable way.
The chaos that had been ensuing around them came to a complete halt. Their inner world appeared to be tilting in on itself, intent on solemnly witnessing its old master's downfall. As if it alone could shoulder the burden of the horrid degradation its master had been forced to undergo.
Victory had never tasted as sweet to the Hollow but sweeter things awaited him –them– on the outside world. As he stood up and looked at his defeated King, soaked in rain, blood and an assortment of bodily fluids he smiled affectionately. A hand patted his head but Ichigo barely felt it's weight on it.
"Don't worry King, I always make good on my promises..."
'When did it start to rain again?' Ichigo wondered disoriented as he lay defeated and empty. His expressive eyes a dull, apathetic shade of brown. Pieces of falling debris were eerily suspended in the air as if time itself had died along with the Ichigo they all knew. A shell of the man he once had been lay in its place surrounded by a deafening silence. His inner world devoid of anything but the darkness and the rain that refused to stop falling even when it knew it couldn't be heard.
Ichigo could almost see her tearful face again as she told him not to follow her to certain death...One of his hands shock with an effort to touch the haunting visage but even in fantasy she always managed to elude him. He could not find the strength to actually reach her –not on that ill fated night– and regrettably not now.
Rukia felt a tender hand gingerly fingering a wound she'd sustained to the side of her navel while on battle. She was startled awake by the ghostly fingers. Once her vision focused, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion upon spying the longing expressed through his downcast eyes. She recognized that look, she'd seen it many times before on Ichigo's face. It was a look of want and longing but there was something wrong with it. Never had it inspired fear in her before that fateful moment.
"Ichigo?" she made his name a question. Something did not feel right.
Upon hearing her say his name he shuddered. He lifted the bloody hand that had been suggestively playing with her wound and touched it to her lips, painting them a sinfully desecrated shade of red. Her eyes widened and her mouth trembled upon recognizing the black and gold that were staring back at her with such unnerving intensity.
This was not Ichigo, at least not the one she had come to love. She was quick to realize that somewhere along the way, to save their lives, he must have been forced to make a terrible choice.
"Ichigo...what did you do?" She whispered in a sorrowful voice.
One of her hands came to rest on his face and he held it there as would a conceited child. He couldn't behave forever though. He could feel her pulse race with trepidation when his tongue slipped out of his mouth and caressed the smooth skin of her inner wrist. She tried to take her hand back then but he held it in a vice like grip. Her expression changed to one they were both well acquainted with and a stubborn glint gave life to her jaded eyes once again. He became excited that she could still be so feisty after her wounds but she had yet to show him the face that he craved...
"Where is Ichigo?" she asked in an authoritative tone, she would not fall prey to the monster's games. He gave her a mocking smile and her blood boiled. In returned she graced him with an icy glare. The pleasant tightening of the stomach he'd experienced before came back full force. He had been waiting to see that expression on her face... it was just one of the many they wished they could fuck right off her face.
"Sorry Queen but Ichigo is...busy...at the moment so what do you say to playing with me instead for a while?"
THE END.
Author's Note: Ummm, finished? Please take note that I have no beta and that English is so not my first language so excuse my spelling (I did try to revise it though but it's hard when it's your own work) Sooo confused much? Liked it, hated it? Scarred you for life? Please tell me! I love to hear feedback and I was really unsure about posting this one just because it's one of those fics that I tend not to share with other people. Also this fic was a tad bit longer but I just found that the original ending changed the mood so much that I decided to keep it to myself although I really, really love it. Pity that...
I also wanted to say that Ichigo addresses the hollow as "Hollow" because he wants to draw a line between them but I didn't and would never give the hollow a name because to me they are just two parts of the same. This is also the reason why the hollow had what I like to call an "Ichigo moment" (although this is what I took out of the fic) and we also know that Ichigo has "Hollow moments" too at least where Rukia is concerned...Maybe this is just too confusing . Review, please?