Authors Note: Warning, there is mention of suicide. If this is a trigger for some... please read responsibly. Though it probably isn't as dark as I'm making it sound. Happy reading, yo.
The old turian swirled his glass around in a mock toast for not really anything in particular. Justice he supposed. To the spirits even, if he was feeling particularly homesick. Which he wasn't. This was his home now.
The creek of the oaken door only numbly passed his conscious. The entrance was of an older style, simple wood hang, having to manually swing in with a twist of the wrist on a silver latch. Giving an almost obnoxious whine when in use. Like right now, with a flustered asari striding in, to her credit, she didn't pause at the sudden temperature change or dryness of the room.
The most notable thing an outsider patron would have felt was the temperature. The room was a solid twenty eight Celsius. (Or eighty two degrees Fahrenheit, depending on where you were from.) -much warmer than any reasonable home for say… a salarian or human, That was because this particular red and purple lit bar was dextro-amino centric. A sight becoming less and less rare on this melting pot known as planet earth.
Some old human purist would argue against such a thing happening on their planet.
However, throw in a couple million sentient beings forced to live on this blue planet and were absolutely crucial for rebuilding earth's infrastructure…
There was little room for those old aristocrats to complain, now wasn't there?
Not like the other species were especially thrilled to be here indefinitely either. Since the relays were destroyed, no one could really do anything about it. Society has slowly been altered since that event, those long twenty years ago.
Each species used to view each other as allies at arms on that final assault. Now however, since everyone was trapped on this rock, it has turned more into a mutual annoyance of fellow siblings. Like a love hate relationship with a brother or sister.
Naturally, each specified race stuck together. Much like his home world, back when particular facial markings determined almost exclusively where you lived. The same was happening here, but on a much broader scale. If you were a turian wanting to find a decent clique for social protection… easy, find other turians. No longer restrained to those of similar tattoos or allies of your clan.
The ageing turian nursed his glass only because there really wasn't much else to do. Lost in his thoughts. And suddenly his mind shifted to something far more mundane.
'Saturday', he thought.
Saturdays were the days young people were meant to have fun. Like go see a new public vid and dinner with a hot date of some sort. And quite possibly get some young raging hormone action.
And of course, she would have to comment on that. It was after all, too good to pass up.
'Speaking of hormone action…' her confident human voice teasing on like liquor to the old turian's tired out emotions. He felt the weight of her soft arm rest on the crest of his back, sipping her own gin and tonic. 'We could kiss and slip out somewhere, out back maybe?' her voice charming.
'Sorry honey, some of us would love not to blind the bystanders.'
'Hah, you don't want to be the star of your own show?'
'Star? Show? In that case, we'd only make a niche profit. But… guess there are some other obvious benefits, now isn't there?' He felt his mandibles stretch into an unusual human-ish smile.
She reached for his glass with ease, a co dextro-levo amino drink. She downed it without much work. An almost sleepy sigh followed 'So you'll do it? Even in public for all to see?'
He scoffed, 'I'll need more alcohol in me first. And drink your own glass, this stuff is expensive.'
"A refill please." His voice cracked suddenly from underuse.
A female turian's brow twitched to the call, and ambled over across the 'graying' turian at the bar. "What'll it be?"
"A refill of the 'D.L. red'." He gestured to his glass.
There was an awkward pause in the server's stance. Then the next moment she went on without hesitation. "Certainly." The turian bartender went through the paces but poured with unusual slowness and care as she topped off the drink that only seemed to have been sipped at once or twice.
"Thank you, hon." He nodded and she was off wordlessly to a quarian patron hailing her.
The veteran turian sighed and took a swig. 'She looked at me like I was crazy.'
'Crazy from my experience is being passionate about something others don't see.' The veteran woman gulped her gin and tonic with a shiver. 'Looking at you like you were an idiot however? Yes.'
'Thank you for clarifying.' He had been getting that crazy look more and more lately. He supposed it was stress playing tricks on him. He glanced to his human companion who was practically draping herself on him, her chin resting on the crux of his protective shoulder ridge with familiar ease. 'Good to see you finally let your hair down.'
She snorted and craned her eyes to him, 'It wasn't easy.'
'Being able to relax? Or feel like deserving it?' He smiled and shook his head, 'Don't answer that. We wouldn't want you receding back to business, now would we? '
'Don't worry, try as I might, I was never quite able to be strictly business with you.' She jabbed a finger at him lightly, 'Probably something to do with that damn charming sarcasm and devilish good looks.'
'Okay, now I KNOW you're drinking too much. 'Never quite strictly business?'' He smiled mirthfully flexing his mandibles again. 'That would usually be your most guarded secret, love.'
"Garrus? Thank the spirits… figured you'd be here." A turian woman's voice soaked in relief.
Garrus Vakarain was suddenly jolted out of his thoughts nearly tipping his glass over. "Wh- what?" Visibly shaken now. "Wher- where'd you go, love?"
"I'm right here. Shh… shh… hush now." The woman went in for a caring hug, Garrus took it numbly at first, not quite recognizing her. His mind catching up to current events. Reaffirming his knowledge of time and place. He realized his mistake. He let his mind wonder again, and he was downright ashamed for it. 'Stay in the present, Garrus.' Then he went ahead and relaxed in the woman's arms. 'Lanea.' He remembered. 'Lana is my mate interest.' His own hand went up to the woman's head and comfortably settled alongside her shorter fringe. He finally started to recognize the turian woman. Her features the usual strong turian example but with a feminine sleekness to it, her clan markings a soft orange with only subtle accentuation, nowhere near as dramatic and 'in your face' as his own blocky blue ones. She was also, strangely enough, in formal dress. Even jewelry adorning her features. Now that he noticed, he was also in formal wear. Blue and black dress clothes. Not quite remembering why.
They were entrenched in their awkward hug for only a few moments more. Finally Garrus sighed and pulled away still in his seat. "Thanks. I needed that."
Lana nodded slightly and let the silence hang. Waiting for Garrus to open up further.
When he didn't, Lana prodded patiently. "Why'd you wonder off like that? Weren't you having a good time with your old war buddies?"
Garrus blinked back to the event. '…ah, the rebirth ball.' Recalling the speeches and the events. It was all meant to be a pleasant focus in a dark world. Smooth lights, catchy music and a large array of men and women of just about every species ambling about. Everyone was simply celebrating their existence with exotic foods and dance. And of course, no matter how positive and forward thinking it was meant to be, there was still the usual undertone of respect and mourning going on. Not quite able to remove it completely, like an old stain.
"Why did I leave…?" The turian asked mystified.
Lana snorted and tugged at his hand, "Come on, let's go."
"Sure sure, just let me pay the bar lady first." He tossed some credits on the counter as he was hurried out of the bar. A rush of cold air and drizzled rain slapped his still scarred face as they left the small bar. Lana pulled him to the air car humming with life just outside. They rushed in.
"To the Carl-Lee Center please."
"Sure." The human driver retched up his controls and hauled off with quick, and almost rushed, efficiency.
Garrus glanced out the window to the molted gray world beyond, watching the collecting rain drops race across the windows. His thoughts went back to the ball.
"We have an announcement to make ladies and gentlemen." The host said pleasantly, doing his best to catch everyone's attention. The music quieted, all eyes went to the balding portly man at the head of the stage. Massive three story windows stood arching above the crowd for a wonderful view of the westerly sun set. Rainclouds could be seen in the distance, as well as an obvious large statue hidden in white show sheets gracing the courtyard beyond the windows, right in center view. Obviously, the event was based around that statue, or whatever the alliance military wanted to show off. The contents unknown.
The balding host gesturing to the now retired Admiral Hackett standing by with a cane in hand. Medical technology sent back a couple hundred years after the Reapers, unable to heal whatever miscellaneous handicaps he now had. His hands clasped over the dome of his gray white cane, he even donned his now out of date uniform. "We all know that we now live in peace because of the crucial cooperation's of all the other allied races. Standing by for each other. This ball will only be a footnote in history, but one that we will all cherish none the less. For we will not just to focus on the deaths of comrades, but the life that can thankfully continue. And because frankly, I'm sure we could all use a break and be selfish for a night."
He finished his sentence with unusual mirth. Something never expected out of the Admiral, even retired. A chorus of alien chuckles waved across the room. Some of which (because of their different cultures) -didn't find funny, but laughed anyway out of respect to the humans hosting the event. Garrus remembered doing it right out of habit.
The Admiral continued. "So as memorial to all who gave their lives just so others can continue breathing, and funded by the alliance military, I give you the Unity Statue." And right on key, as Hacket gestured to the statue right out the windows, the curtain dropped. Framed by the backdrop of the sunset and bright pink and orange rainclouds… revealed a breathtaking action shot. Everyone started to applaud with actual pleasure.
Each of the races were clearly the focus point, common foot soldiers of humans, asari, turian, quarian, salarian, hell even a batarian. Each in a tactical mission against some invisible assailant. In the middle, there was a raised stone with what was clearly a representation of civilians all living in peace. Probably in some way trying to show how the base of it all was carried by soldiers.
Garrus approved, and was genuinely impressed by the justice the alliance military did for the turian soldier. The only thing that stuck out to Garrus was the rocket launcher his species was carrying. 'Are we really viewed as that aggressive?'
Then his eyes met the human statue. The female human statue. With an obvious N7 emblem on the armor. His mind cried out.
'Jane!'
Instantly someone was by his side, "You going to be okay, Garrus?" The mechanized speaker giving hint to one of his oldest friends. The turian turned to the admiral quarian, obvious concern in her stance. And somehow, she didn't seem surprised.
Garrus blinked his eyes. "I… I don't know, Tali." He knew he shouldn't look again, and it was stupid of him to not consider them using Shepard in a statue such as this. She was a damn legend now. But he couldn't resist. He turned fully to the statue again. Emotion flowing through himself.
"Come on Garrus, let us find someplace a bit less…crowded."
"I'm fine." And he shrugged off her hand. "I'll just… don't worry about me. I'll get a hold of it."
"Just don't forget you have friends to go to, you old bird."
The aging turian actually felt better from the insult. "I know. I'll be dancing if you need me. And I'm fine! Promise. Now go get a drink, I'll catch up."
Tali eyed him, "If you say so."
He never did go dancing. He went drinking. The only people who he could talk to about Jane, was Jane. He never spoke about her, but his old friends were always around to keep an eye on him.
It wasn't common knowledge either. Only their little group back on the Normandy had any idea of the beloved relationship. It was private, just between him and her. No one else. It just seemed like it was pointless to bring it up to anyone who wasn't there or didn't know her.
Even with his current love interest.
"You okay?" Lana jolted him out of his thoughts.
"Oh, uh, Yea." He fumbled.
The woman fumed for a moment, and in Lana like fashion, dove head first. "Something is up, Vakarain. And you're not telling me."
"It's nothing."
"Spirits, If it's nothing, you have some serious emotional issues."
Garrus chuckled nervously, "Hmm, I am a sensitive man. Thought the ladies love that sort of thing. How I got you I believe."
"Hah, you caught my interest with that lovely wit of yours. Plus you happened to have some sexy claws and a helava' nice fringe I might add." She smiled lightly. "At least you're attempting to sound better." Some tension easing. But there was a sad undertone with the brief silence. Then, "You can't keep doing this, love. It isn't healthy."
Now he remembered why he liked her so much, genuine care for him.
But why couldn't he just mention Shepard and be done with it? It was obviously getting in the way of his relationships.
He took a deep breath and tried, he really did. "I…" Then his voice faltered. He suddenly felt naked, exposed, vulnerable. Whatever word that would fit. Lana straightened her back in her air-car seat, listening intently. He tried again, "It's just…" Again, he came up short. He growled, "Spirits, why can't I do this?" He asked rhetorically.
"I get it." Lana said softly. "You're not ready." Disappointment she wasn't entirely able to take out.
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be."
The air-car buzzed onwards and in sight was the ball, lit up with synthetic light. And the brand new Unity Statue right out front with flood lights blaring upwards. Lit up rain streaking across it. He instantly felt himself tighten up. Unable to restrain himself for instantly searching for Shepard. Her granite and concrete back facing him. Her widow sniper rifle in high detail clinging to her armor. The side of her face tilted, aiming down her assault rifle. But from Garrus's view. It was as if she were about to check over her shoulder, with a fiendish smile towards him. The turian could almost hear her say some snarky remark. And he would always take it in stride.
'I was always a better shot than you.' Her voice suddenly said in his head.
He felt his heart stop. No no no… not now. 'Just go away, Shep.'
She was sitting next to him, her fingers somehow sliding in between his claw on his lap. 'Why? What's wrong?'
He couldn't deal with this right now, he was too emotional. Still recovering. He tightened his claws and clinched his teeth.
'You're dead.' He felt his eyes begin to water, glancing at Lana, who conveniently was staring out the window, depressed at his earlier actions. HIS actions. But his voice was caught in his throat. The air-car slowed to a park.
The brown haired woman stayed next to him. A frown on her soft, strangely malleable lips. So unique and brazenly different from his own. She apparently didn't hear him, 'I didn't mean to upset you, but I am alive. I'm right here.'
The air-car door opened with a pressurized hiss, Lanea got up without word and strode out without a glance to Garrus. The older turian reached out, "Wait! I-" But she didn't turn back. She just kept on walking, and eventually, out of view hidden amongst the crowd outside.
'Hm... quite the looker, she catch your eye?' Her voice teasing.
Garrus stared back to the fleshy hand in his claw. 'In fact she did.' The blue tattooed turian clinched his claw and shook his head, 'And you are a hallucination.' She apparently ignored it with ignorance, or maybe just didn't hear him at all. As if impossible.
"You getting out sir? Or just going to enjoy the view? I've got things to do." The cabby driver peering at him with the rear view mirror.
"Oh! Right, yea, of course." And Garrus stepped back out into the night, the rain still a light drizzle. The air car was off with engine whining. Now he was alone in the crowd. Left to his hallucinations.
'Don't be silly. Why don't we at least go in and visit?' His human was suddenly at his side in a black and blue dress. Matching his own outfit.
'No!'
She reached for his hand again and tugged on it. 'What's the problem Vakarian? You're being unusually stubborn.'
'Just go away Jane.' He quickly rushed away in a personal retreat. His mandibles constantly flexing while dodging couples and those hanging around outside waiting for rides. He couldn't take it anymore. He loved her too much, he couldn't stand to even imagine her. Nowhere was safe. Never was since she died. But he couldn't let himself drift back in oblivion. Living life as a lie, pretending she existed. No matter how tempting.
'Garrus! Wait!'
He ignored her, and continued walking off, trying to get somewhere secluded and away from the ball crowds. He didn't want to be seen distraught.
'Garrus, you're being ridiculous.'
He snapped, and spun around to his imagination, "I'm being ridiculous? You died! You left me alone on this miserable rock. "His voice ringing out over the crowd. He was oblivious to it. He continued to shout at the imagined human in front of him. "I love you, Jane. But you left ME. I'm hardly living now!"
The older man blinked his eyes to find his past love shift away with the mist of the rain. Gone. What he got instead was a crowd of aliens starring at him wide eyed and with caution.
"Uh..." He blinked and shook his head and spat, "Damn it." He turned again and headed off to the sidewalk, keeping his head down avoiding all eye contact. Just trying to get some desperately needed seclusion.
OOOO ~ OOOO ~ OOOO
"He is hiding something from me. And I honestly think it's killing him." Lana stood in a little circle of friends, and at the moment those friends were her mate's old war buddies. Both somewhat a bit larger than life to a ship astrogator like her. The quarian Admiral Tali Vas Normandy, and the famous asari Liara Ti'soni, virtually unchanged in the past years. But both were warmer to her first reception then what she expected.
The two women glanced to each other. Passing a silent question.
Liara took the first plunge, "What has Vakarian told you, Lana?"
The orange tattooed turian snatched a glass of dextro blue from a passing waiter and tray. She shook her head. "Only what he didn't mean to." She sighed, "From the start, it looked like a form of war shock. Which I still believe. Just… it's a bit deeper than that. Seems less from the gore and more from a loss of an old friend or lover I assume." She sipped at her glass, then stared down into it. "Every time I ask, he usually blows it off with, 'it's war, Lana. Not exactly cake.' Which doesn't make damn sense by the way."
The quarian admiral shrugged, "It's a human thing, meaning it's –"
"-I know, easy." The turian quickly spoke, "Just cake isn't that easy to make. Or is it meant to be seen as 'sweet'? But that's not the point." She took another sip at her glass, this time as a means of hesitation. "Please don't tell him I asked this?" Her marble green eyes suddenly pleading for permission.
"Your secret is safe with us." The older quarian said smoothly.
And for some reason, Liara had to bring a hand up to hide her smile. "Trust me, I'm used to hearing secrets."
The tattooed turian smiled and shook her head, "Am I really gossiping with the girls?"
"It most definitely looks that way." Mirth in the admiral's voice.
The turian sighed, "Was there … ever anyone important to Garrus. That he lost? Family? Friends? Even… another turian lover like me?"
"This is going to sound off topic but, what do you know about Jane Shepard?" Liara took the lead in questions. Her tone measured.
Lana blinked, "The usual."
"In relation to Garrus. You know he resided on the Normandy, yes?"
"Well briefly. I knew that. But was Shepard and Garrus close friends? I would have never guessed."
Tali snorted a laugh, and shook her head bemused "Hate to say it, but not exactly."
The turian woman paused, the answer apparently obvious. But was just too fantastic to believe. So she went with option B. "…Please say 'Hated Each Other'."
"Hah!" Tali huffed playfully."I'm afraid not. They were flat out, head over heels, smitten lovers."
"Tali, no need to overwhelm her." Liara chided.
But Lana was suddenly silent, thinking hard. The idea seemed too far-fetched for reality. Could have Garrus, HER Garrus, been in a relationship with the famous Commander Shepard? The woman who has reached the legendary status of 'Savor of Earth'? The Galaxy? "This is not funny."
"It wasn't meant to be."
"He was with a human?"
"Yes."
"Commander Shepard of all people?"
"Yep."
The turian paused, then with a deep breath tried to swallow the unlikely pill. Then said, "If this ever gets out…"
Liara nodded, "We know. Doesn't help that Shepard isn't here to defend him and cool the coals. But she isn't. And we understand the issue. All this has been under wraps for over two decades now so it's not a concern, momentarily at least."
Lana ran a hand along her fringe, "Thank you for telling me. It sorta fills in some gaps that that stupid turian has been giving me." She snorted and looked off to the big windows looming over the patrons of the ball, the statue eerily illuminated by flood lights with a pitch black backdrop of night. Her eyes instantly went to the human with the assault rifle frozen in time. Larger than life, infinitely impossible for any woman of any species to reach for ages to come. How could a turian woman such as herself contend with that? Then again, Garrus had been with her for this long. Had to mean something. Lana also couldn't help but think that the woman looked way to young for her mate. Then again, twenty years was a long time. The woman sighed and took a closer look at Shepard's face. Set in determination, undaunted. 'What else aren't you telling me, love?'
OOOO ~ OOOO ~ OOOO
Garrus was mumbling to himself. His legs carrying him to some unknown area of the town. His eyes shifting at the passing air cars, and particularly holding on to the ledge showing off some impressive store lights beyond. Almost like stars.
Another car zoomed by oblivious to him with a hot gush of air following behind. Garrus was completely unfazed. 'Reminds me back when we'd used to jump into battlefields hot.'
Silence
His feet continued to shuffle onward. His awareness numb. Thinking back to some precious memory.
'Perhaps… maybe even find out what a human-turian baby looks like.'
A strike of her face flashed in his mind. Her hand on his scar, and her features set into a mix of determination, and sad acceptance. He couldn't even remember all of the conversation at this point. Just bits and pieces of a constantly sustaining love. Of an embrace. Of a strangely human kiss. The slight buzz on his lips that was always left behind. Her last words to him. 'If I'm up there and you're not… I'll be looking down… You'll never be alone.'
"Never." He said finally. Tired beyond years, thankfully sitting against a store front, staring off to the cars zooming by. And that ledge, leading to the star like lights below. Stars. So infinitely beautiful. Soaking it in. Would that be where heaven is?
"Spirits." He half cried.
He closed his eyes, 'I don't think I can do this anymore, Shep.'
She was instantly by his side. Her familiar weight against him. 'I can understand that.' She let the silence hang, 'Just stay with me.'
Garrus was unresponsive at first. 'I always have. And I will be with you. Soon.'
She huddled closer to him. Both watching idly at the city life around them.
He was with her again, and it felt so right. So desperately needed, wanted. He smiled for what felt like a first in days. He felt young again. Remembering his markings brighter, his skin slightly darker with less cracks. His old blue eye visor fitting comfortably over his youthful gaze. Garrus snorted and stood up with the vigor of young man who wanted to run to his future instead of stroll. 'I love you.' He thought simply. His decision resolute. The turian strode forward to the rail protecting the citizens of the city from wondering off the edge to their death ten stories to the shops below.
Hard to believe that was all he had to deal with, a simple hurdle and he would be with her in moments. He was sure of it. He tenderly climbed over the rail, and clung to it casually. Caution in the wind of passing air cars. No one was around at the moment. He could do it now, and it would be too late for anyone to stop him.
He paused, inhale, exhale, inhale… He felt alive again, Ironic. It came with an acute awareness of presence now that he was here. But wasn't this what he wanted from the start? Life? Not simply life, but to live. And it seemed like putting that life on the line for his love… was the only way he could live. One great final action of living. With a reward all to tempting.
Then with a low, old, gravelly voice... "Just like old times."
Author's Note:
This is actually a rewrite from before. Glad I did that. Unfortunately, I don't know when the next chapter will be out. (Hopefully soon.)
Side note, I really like the idea of the all the races being forced to reside on earth. Fun food for thought. It would be interesting to see how the cultures and social norms developted over time. Especally with the inevitable technology loss due to lack of resources and , It could go really well for species acceptance... or really really bad in a racist way for a long haul. Social stigmas and what not. Then some civil rights movements will help gain those sentient fellow earthlings equality eventually. yadda yadda. ... ahem*
So, Garrus wants to commit suicide. That's kinda dark. Wonder if he did it..? :P Feel free to review, yo.