Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts 2 or the guidebook, Potter Puppet Pals, or the side effects joke by Jeff Foxworthy in the Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again.
Sora, Donald, and Goofy, having told Cloud where Sephiroth was, hurried back to the Dark Depths. Sora wasn't exactly eager to see the man again, as he had been so hard to beat and Donald and Goofy hadn't even helped. What was with that, anyway? With Final Form it would've been so much easier…guess there was a reason he was referred to as the toughest boss in the game.
Sora hurried passed the Heartless that had become merely an annoyance (yay being at level 90!) and rushed up the hill to where Sephiroth was waiting. He ran up to him and noticed that he was standing perfectly still, not moving at all. Sora was a bit confused. He had expected a cutscene to start immediately after he got back. Puzzled, Sora raised his hand and waved it in front if Sephiroth's face. Sephiroth didn't move. Sora proceeded to wave his arms around as if he was signaling an airplane to land, in an attempt to get some kind of reaction out of the other man. Sighing, Sora pulled out his guidebook for Kingdom Hearts II. (Oh come on, how else would he have been able to know exactly where to go and what to do?) He flipped back to the basics and saw that the triangle button had to be pressed in order to get Sephiroth to talk to him. Sora frowned. He had always been slightly annoyed by this. Wasn't there any other way to talk to someone besides having someone who controlled your every move press some stupid button? Sora decided to test this theory.
First he tried jumping up and down in front of him. No response. Sora then went into a double-jump, attempting to land on Sephiroth's head. Unfortunately for him, Sephiroth used so many hair products to keep his hair that silky and shiny that his hair formed a kind of slide that Sora slid down. Sephiroth didn't seem bothered in the least that someone with gigantic shoes had just tried to jump on his head. He continued to stare straight ahead, not looking nearly as awesome as he did in Advent Children.
Next, Sora attempted to Glide in front of him. When this didn't work, he tried gliding in circles around him. He did this for a few minutes (he liked Gliding), then dropped down and ran in circles around him. Sephiroth didn't even blink.
Sora then tried all the magic he knew on him: Firaga, Blizzaga, Thundaga, Magnega, Reflega, and Curaga. He even tired Aeroga, Stopga, and Graviga even though these were only in the prequel. None of it even ruffled Sephiroth's feathers.
None of his Keyblades worked either. He tried every one, starting with the Kingdom Key and ending with Ultima. He didn't even bother trying to cut his hair after the first few, as his quarry used so much hair spray that not even his sharpest Keyblades could cut it. Sora's swords went completely through the rest of his body as though Sephiroth was a ghost. Sora, recalling how nearly impossible it had been to beat Sephiroth last time, wondered how Cloud could possibly win against him. Then he remembered that Cloud was just that awesome and immediately stopped worrying.
He then tried all of his Summons and all of his Forms, including all of Genie's forms and Anti-Sora. This repeatedly depleted his Drive Gauge, causing him to use up all of his Drive and High-Drive Recoveries. Every time, his attacks just went right through.
Around this time, the person who was doing all of this to get Sephiroth's attention to avoid reading her history book got a call from a fellow fanfiction writer, who proceeded to scream in her ear about some random Harry Potter story where everyone gets tortured and killed. And she thought she was obsessed. The girl got up and went to her room so her friend could shout some more and blow up her eardrum, leaving the game un-paused.
Meanwhile, Sora was just as pissed off at Sephiroth as the girl was. He could do anything and Sephiroth wouldn't even notice until the girl came back and pressed triangle. Then he smirked. He could do anything. He also noticed that the game was un-paused. He usually took these opportunities to go to the bathroom or attempt to find Goofy some brains, but he had bigger fish to fry this time.
Sora went into a glide so that he was hovering right in front of Sephiroth's face and licked his nose, before flipping over in the air laughing. He had always wanted to lick someone's nose and have the person not even notice. Then he remembered something that he had seen online once, and started to repeatedly hit Sephiroth with his fists, saying "Bother, bother, bother, bother, bother, bother, bother, bother, bother, bother, bother, bother, bother, bother, bother, bother, bother…" over and over again for some time until finally getting bored three hours later. He realized that this would've been more fun had Sephiroth been awake.
Sora pulled Sephiroth's pants down because he liked pantsing people and was amazed to see that Sephiroth was wearing briefs with pictures of Leon and the phrase "Squally-Squall!!!" written all over them. Sora backed away slowly, and glanced back at Donald and Goofy for their reactions. They just stood there staring at him, like always when they weren't fighting heartless or talking during a cutscene. Sora rolled his eyes. He heard the girl finally getting off the phone, so he quickly pulled up Sephiroth's pants (with difficulty) and went back to where he started earlier.
The girl might have never found out about this had she not decided to read Jiminy's journal right then. After finding out that they existed, she went out immediately to go buy Squally-Squall underwear, leaving Sora to do whatever he wanted again, this time leaving Jiminy with Merlin so he wouldn't rat on Sora again. He then went back to where Sephiroth was and slid down his hair for the next four days (Hey, Squally-Squall underwear is hard to find! And sliding is fun!). When the girl finally got back with about fifty pairs of the new underwear, she started to watch the stupid cutscene and decided that Advent Children had WAY better graphics. So she went to get it and lived happily ever after with her Squally-Squall underwear. Meanwhile, Cloud kicked Sephiroth's ass once and for all because he is just that awesome. And he stole Sephiroth's underwear for himself. YAY FOR SQUALLY-SQUALL UNDERWEAR!
(Squally-Squall underwear is not for everyone. Minor side effects may include nausea, vomiting, water weight gain, lower back pain, receding hairline, itching chafing clothing, liver spots, blood clots, ring worm, excessive body odor, uneven tire wear, gonorrhea, diarrhea, scoliosis, loss of bladder control, hammer toe, the shanks, low sperm count, wart floors, cluttered drawers, hunchback, heart attack, low resale value on your home, feline leukemia, athlete's foot, head lice, club foot, MS, MD, VD, fleas, anxiety, sleeplessness, drowsiness, poor gas mileage, tooth decay, warts, unibrow, lazy eye, fruit fly, chest pains, clogged drains, hemorrhoids, dry heaving, and sexual dysfunction. Extreme side effects include itchy watery eyes, anal seepage, random explosions, and death. Squally-Squall underwear is nonrefundable.)
A/N: Yes, that was my friend Kelly who was that insane girl on the phone. Seriously, she is so loud when talking about those stories, so loud my eardrums start to bleed!!! Well, not really. Yeesh...Oh, and thank you hikaranko for saying that this was actually good! Yeah, as I said, this is my first solo fic, so please boost my severe lack of confidence by reviewing!