A/N: Hi peoples! I'm here with my "adopted sister", well, almost. Her name is Kai Naxos. We're a bit loony tonight and therefore we have a loony fanfic for ya. And by the way the phrase "Moony Loony Lupin" belongs to my twin sister, Ginny, whom is away right now. She had her first drink of caffeine that day, along with two sodas, and medicine that makes her loonier than usual. Trust me, it is quite scary, especially when you try to quote Peeves the Polergiest and she misquotes it and dances around the room singing it. Now it translates into, "I am hyper and loony right now!" and we mean no offence to Remus when we say it, because he's just kool! As our yankee friends say/spell.
DISCLAIMER: Yes, yes, this whole wonderfully magically world belongs to us. Not really, but once we take over the world it will. Well, technically, it will belong to Lorelei, because she gets Europe. And J.K. Rowling who currently owns it lives there. Whoops, did we just give away our plans to dominate the world? Tell no one! As raving mad H/P fans, it's our job to twist and distort the reality of it all though, right? Anyroad, don't go suing us for writing a bloody fanfic, because if you read the DISCLAIMER it states:…J.K. Rowling who currently owns it….
On with the twisted and distorted world of Harry Potter, compliments of Lorelei Wood and Kai Naxos! We'll be here through Thursday, don't forget to tip your waitress! Have a nice night! Oh yes, and enjoy! Don't forget to review. Okay, now on with the fic!
Lorelei: Where are we going Thursday?
Kai: Nowhere, It's just a little saying. Or something. I don't know. Go ask Oliver.
Lorelei: Okay. Hubbie!!! There you are. How was Quidditch practice *we snog*.
Oliver: Good, good. Missed ya.
Lorelei: Well, uh-hum, I think they want to get on reading the fic!
Kai: Good God, why do you have to do this in front of me? Draco! Get this blithering idiot out of my site! Draco, where are you my sweet?
Lorelei: You spelled sight wrong, and are you aware that you just referred to your Draco the same as Filch his cat in the first movie?
Kai: Revised Version: Good God, why do you have to do this in front of me? Draco! Get this blithering idiot out of my sight! Draco, where are you, love?
Lorelei: Now that was thoroughly disgusting. My hun could easily beat up your slime-ball. *They fight behind the couch in which we are sitting*, let's give them their fic, now shall we?
Kai: Oh, I suppose you're right, Lorelei. Draco! Don't let him beat you like that! Augh! *looks behind couch with frustration*
Lorelei: Down boy! *Wood stops beating up Draco*. Enjoy the fic as Kai kisses Draco to make it better and my hubbie and I snog!
Kai: Geez, why do you and your WoodieWoodkins always have to win? *turns to Draco* It's okay I still love you!
Lorelei: It's because we're Gryffindors. And we always win. Read on!
Spinning on the High Roof Etiquette
Albus Dumbledore smiled to himself as the students filed into the Great Hall for the first day back to school. He stood up to make an announcement.
"Welcome back, welcome! I have an announcement to make. We have installed Trampolines in some high-roofed empty classrooms, since we had nothing better to do over the summer. You are free to enjoy them as long as you attend your classes and your grades do not suffer."
Fifth-Year Harry Potter looked to his friends. "Trampolines, eh, the Professors must have been really bored."
"I find trampolines rather enjoyable. When I was little my parents made me attend Gymnastics classes and I loved the Trampolines," Hermione said excitedly, "I just hope I can squeeze it in along with studies for my O.W.L.s this year!"
"What's a Tramp-in-line?" Ron asked confused.
"Oh, it's a muggle invention consisting of springs holding onto a flat canvas, held up by bars. They are usually circular or rectangular in shape and muggle kids jump up and down on the canvas surface."
"English, please?" Ron asked, turning to Harry.
"Pretty much a bouncing machine, you jump on it and it makes you go higher."
"Wicked!" Ron said with a grin.
"Fun!" the assembled students were murmuring. Though many of the Slytherins just looked confused. Harry and Ron had to laugh at that.
Classes finally ended and they were going to head to the Trampolines. "Oh, I wish I had my leotard!" Hermione exclaimed as they entered the Portrait hole to change. Hermione decided on Transfiguring some of her muggle clothes, and Ron and Harry changed into some loose muggle clothes.
Hermione came from the girls' dormitories shortly after Ron and Harry had come out of theirs. She was wearing a wine-red leotard with gold sleeves. Ron stared. "Do girls really look like that under their robes!" he thought, mouth agape. Hermione looked casually at them and shook her head at their stunned expressions.
"Harry, do all muggle girls dress like that?" Ron whispered to his friend.
"Only gymnasts and figure skaters," Harry whispered back.
"Guys that wrestle wear something similar to this as well," Hermione added, clearly overhearing them.
"Going to the trampolines?" Seamus asked, stopping a moment to stare at Hermione. "Could she get Lavender into something like that?" he thought to himself.
"Here, take this, you'll get thirsty," Seamus said, handing them water bottles in little holders.
"What is it?" Harry asked.
"Well, it was water," Seamus said, excluding the fact he turned it to rum, but took the flavour out of it.
The four of them went off to find the Trampoline Rooms. There were two of them. One was marked 'Gryffindor/Slytherin' and the other 'Hufflepuff/Ravenclaw'.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Meanwhile in the Slytherin common room, Ozzi Charlotte and Draco Malfoy were quite busy snogging in a jade-green armchair in a dark corner.
"I never thought anyone could be quite as evil-minded as myself, Ozinara. But you, you are truly amazing." Draco said, gazing into his girlfriend's heavily lined eyes.
"Oh, Draco, how many times must I bloody tell you, call me Ozzi." She whispered, nibbling his ear.
"I've got an idea. Let's go to those blasted Trampoline Rooms and see how badly we can pester those bloody Gryffindors," Draco said, sparking that evil fire he and Ozzi shared.
She got off Draco's lap and straightened her robes, which were considerably crooked after her 'episode' with Draco.
"Allow me to change into something a bit more Muggle for you," Ozzi said with a grin.
"Muggle?" Draco spat in distaste. Why would a girl who shared his perfectly evil mind want to wear something muggle? He shook his head in disgust, but was rather astounded when she came out in very revealing attire. Any muggle-born would have realised it as a leotard, but to Draco it was his new favourite costume for her. Actually, it was a more twisted, gothed-out version of a leotard, complete with skull emblems and fishnet tights. All the better for Draco.
They proceeded to the trampoline rooms, Draco constantly eyeing Ozzi's stunning muggle outfit. "Well, I guess some muggles do have a bit of fashion sense," Draco thought, admiring the tones of black and green. They each took a rather large swig of their whiskey and walked to a Trampoline, a bit wobbly. Unfortunately Potter, Weasley and the mudblood were already there. Potter and Granger seemed to be enjoying themselves, and the Weasel seemed a bit frightened and amazed.
Peeves seemed to be enjoying himself, singing about the returned Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, Remus Lupin. "Loony, loony Lupin!" he taunted as he glided down the Hall.
Draco and Ozzi clamoured onto one of the rectangular trampolines together. Seamus's "water" had settled into the Gryffindors, and they were now drunkenly misquoting Peeves, singing, "Moony, loony Lupin!" Unfortunately, the staggering drunk Ozzi and Draco joined them. Soon, everyone in the room was chanting the misquoted phrase, and everyone was laughing and running into each other. An incredibly drunk Draco threatened anybody within feet of Ozzi with shaking fists, but everyone was too drunk to care. Draco soon spotted Ron Weasley, and immediately began closing in on him.
"Weasley, what are you—hey! Don't touch my bird, you loony minny loophole!" Draco screamed at Ron. Ron, being too crazy-drunk to care about Draco, started singing.
"Hey, Weasel, no street performers allowed! Go beg somewh…" Ozzi began, but cut herself off with giggling. Draco was swinging her around, having "fun", until he heard what was coming out of Ron's mouth.
"Oi, you shut it, Weasley. This place is open for everyone to have fun!"
"You shut it Malfoy, you belly-dancing, snot-sucking pig," Ron said as he spun around to face Malfoy. Unfortunately in his drunkenness he fell and bounced back up due to the Trampoline. "Whoo," Ron began to sing again.
"Spinning in circles, Spinny-spin-spin.
Spinning on the high roof etiquette,
Killing the Canterburys as we walk,
Spinning in circles 'round the looking-glass moon,
Killing farts erupting from the lavatories,
Spinning among the dung covered pillows,
Killing fluffernutters in their pyjamas,
Spinning around with carpeted snail arms,
Killing the schreffmeister's room,
Spinning alone with the flashy green lights,
Killing the daffodil flavoured shoes,
Spinning in pink polka-dotted ice blocks,
Killing geriatric rabid bunnies,
Spinning with the Professor's knickers upon our heads,
Killing the queer rodeo flyers,
Spinning on sponge-like mantles,
Killing the giant people-eating balloons,
Spinning with perforated parsnip salads,
Killing the bell remote's purple valve,
Spinning on spectacular black artist arrows,
Killing the meticulous grape sparrows' numbers,
Spinning with Snape's cape up our bums,
Killing the blue-spotted noodles,
Spinning among the aquamarine showers,
Killing the great orange bogey bafoons,
Spinning with pet-eating potatoes,
Killing among the incense ridden candles,
Spinning the patriarch detangled dozers,
Killing the nostril bucket of razor-sharp toads,
Spinning in shackled windows,
Killing telemarketers hanging from giant lipstick tubes,
Spinning on face-devouring doormats,
Killing wire-strung live bat's rear ends,
Spinning with window-paned yellow perplexions,
Killing the baseball couch with a nun,
Spinning among muggles with glasses of hair,
Killing the arsenic burnt sienna toenails on fire,
Spinning with baby dolls hanging from showers,
Killing the knife-ridden blue arrowed blurs,
Spinning in the Leopard's unplugged bowels,
Killing gaseous baby bottles,
Spinning on gold glittered pad-footed bones,
Killing the mocha fag grenade decaffeinated surveyors,
Spinning in rotted salmon-scented picture frames,
Killing with digital butcher knives employed by herrings,
Spinning in burning incense ashes,
Killing with rainbow-upended spears,
Spinning on male dragon's crystal balls,
Killing slug-eating lip gloss,
Spinning with tangerine vegetable flavours,
Killing the bloke with kaleidoscope fries,
Spinning on dragonbreath ear hairs,
Killing the suicidal stuffed turkey,
Spinning on white linen basketball courts,
Killing Snape's attack-dog briefs,
Spinning in cotton candy cocaine crunchies,
Killing electric rubber duckies,
Spinning with blueberry buttered brooms,
Killing remembralls with elephant shoe polish,
Spinning 'round shiny vacuum viagra box fingers,
Killing with asymmetrical growth tape lip wax,
Spinning ridge-back rickety boats,
Killing castles with cockroach moats,
Spinning on McGonagall's back-side's bun,
Killing Snape's snake-covered pull-ups,
Spinning in Dumbledore's candy-filled beard,
Killing Hooch's extra grey fingledimer,
Spinning with Hagrid's newfangled blue monk,
Killing the forest with someone's shiny bum,
Spinning the leaves that make Cho Chang pretty,
Killing her eyeballs with stabbing spiral staple guns,
Spinning around the dinklewinked tree-finders,
Killing the poopsmith's job-covered glove box,
Spinning in puke-flavoured jelly box granules,
Killing the kiddies with juice strangled envelopes,
Spinning the x-rays by leopard-spotted thru-ways,
Killing the dime school by a pennies-worth of guns,
Spinning in leprechaun-toed bras,
Killing moose-llama hybrids snogging with hamster-chickens,
Spinning in suffocating plastic purses,
Killing T-Shirts by snoring on orange-eating clams,
Spinning in pyromaniacal water territory,
Killing monster truck pooping infants,
Spinning in choking toe-nail clipping mascara,
Killing time-telling fart monkeys,
Spinning with duct tape delectable digits,
Killing the plaid hairy ankles with shopping carts,
Spinning around broomstick with snot-studded loafers,
Killing the faerie-winged pineapple blow-fish,
Spinning in plaited butt-hairs,
Killing crème-filled file cabinets,
Spinning on the high roof etiquette,
Killing the Canterburys as we walk."
Thus, the song ended and a pale-faced, shocked McGonagall found her voice. "Weasley, Potter, Granger, Malfoy, Charlotte, Finnigan! Detention all of you for being drunk. Weasley, another detention for your language. Granger, Charlotte, explain your attire!" she exploded in fury.
"Well, Professor, this is what muggles wear while exercising on the trampoline," Hermione said in a logical though drunk voice. Ozzi hiccuped as she nodded.
"Well then," McGonagall said, speechless. "Get to Madame Pomfrey for a Sobering Potion, now!" They all staggered to the Hospital Wing, tailed by a cross McGonagall.
A/N: Sometimes I wonder why I understand the drunk so well. I look at a picture of my twin sister (who is away right now) and look over to my "adopted sister" and it all comes together. Lorelei must go before she is killed.