Yet Another Medieval EEnE Story

Chapter I: We are Going on a Quest of Some Kind…

Disclaimer: EEnE belongs to Danny Antonucci and aka Cartoon. This story was also inspired by The Sims Medieval (EA), Baldur's Gate (Bioware), Lord of the Rings, Monty Python and the Holy Grail and Game of Thrones (just because), to name a few. And anything else belongs to their respective owners. I'd also like to thank TV Tropes, for obvious reasons.

A/N: Forsooth! Here, we hast…

OK, I can't keep that up. What we've got here – apart from failure to communicate – is a story about Ed, Edd and Eddy, set in Medieval times. Nothing new there. Unlike Edarchy, this is more based on the show (to the point where Eddy's a Halfling instead of a human), but that's not saying I won't be borrowing a few things from what was originally supposed to be my magnum opus.

As my profile said, this is a story with Ed the Human Paladin, Edd the elven mage and Eddy the Thief and their quest to find and reclaim the Holy Jawbreaker of… Something or Other from the evil Kankerian Witches. They meet some strange characters, including Sir Prince Kevin (sic), the evil-but-not-evil-enough-to-be-considered-an-antag onist guy who's on the throne, just to keep it warm; Nazz, the Cleric who shows up every now and then to help out the Eds; Jonny, the somehow Chaotic Neutral druid who, along with Plank (the same one from the show), guides our heroes through the forest; and Rolf, the peasant farmer who's also a blacksmith in his spare time.

Alright, enough talk. Have at ye!

There was a village in The County. Its name was Peach Creekia. Original name, huh? It consisted of your usual Medieval houses, a temple for its inhabitants to pray to Celestius (the god they worship there), a couple of stores for whatever you need and an inn, which is self-explanatory. It was a peaceful village, with a sign that said "73 days since last invasion". It's a peaceful village, although it wasn't too far from a bandit camp, which explains why it keeps getting invaded so much.

Thankfully, about a quarter-day's walk from the village, there was Castle Van Couvair, the usual residence of King Daniel II, who was away on a business trip (read: In a war somewhere). So he hired his most trusted warrior – Sir Kevin – to rule the throne whilst he was off (hence his incredibly awkward title). Sir Prince Kevin was a stern man who had moments where it looked like he was abusing his power. But everyone knew that he wanted to do the right thing, which was why he always charged into Peach Creekia in order to defend it from the bandits. He needn't worry about any diversions, as he always kept some of his best soldiers behind at the castle to defend it.

But that's enough talk about the backstory or whatever. Sir Prince Kevin was a tall man – 6'2" to be precise. He wore the standard plate-mail armour, albeit with a green chest plate and black leggings underneath. What was more usual, however, was his helmet. It was, for some reason, shaped as a red backwards hat. No one knows why he has this design, as the man who designed it went insane and moved to a cave some distance away. Sir Prince Kevin himself had short red hair and a red goatee. He also appeared to have a small scar on his left cheek, which he claimed to be a battle scar; in reality he was spooked by a fly whilst he was shaving.

When he wasn't in charge of the area, he was training his troops at the barracks not too far from the castle. Some of them were bog-standard fighters, which, although they seem like mere fodder, can at least hold their own in a fight. And then there were his most trusted soldiers: The Paladins. They were trained to be the best of the best, meaning that, should they or their comrades be injured, they go in and heal them to the best of their ability. They had to be skilled, not just in close quarter combat, but also be incredibly skilled with crossbows and/or regular bows. When they're not busy in combat, they're busy policing the city. Overall, these brave men are not to be messed with. Luckily, they're the protagonists. Or, at least, one of them is.

Meet Edward, or Ed as he liked to be called. At the age of 24, he is the youngest Paladin, not just at the moment, but in the whole of The County. At the age of four, he was wandering in the woods when he was suddenly attacked by a wolf. Thankfully Sir Kevin (as he was known at the time) killed the foul beast with a single swift blow with his Longsword. After guiding the young Ed back home – but not before telling him "Careful, dork. Thou must be careful in the forest. Deadly creatures are about. Next time, I won't be here to save thine skin. Now sod off home, lest ye be wolf bait once more." – it was that moment that the lump wanted to be a knight. After doing several oddjobs over the years (human scarecrow; guinea pig for spells; and junk post writer), he finally afforded enough gold to train. After displaying such phenomenal strength, he was hastily promoted to Paladin; in hindsight, that was a terrible idea. Thankfully, he's the only Lawful Stupid Paladin, so there's no need to fret.

It was March 23rd, or whatever comes close in wherever and whenever this is set. Ed was alongside 15 other Paladins. They were dressed in blue tunics, black leggings and, for some reason, special sandals. Sir Prince Kevin rode up towards them on Chopper, his silver-coloured steed. When he was facing his soldiers, he said 'Whoa, boy.' After his horse came to a stop, he got off and began speaking. 'Alright, maggots.' He said as he started pacing up and down. 'Due to King Daniel being in another land, he has asked me to take his place for a while. Which means thou shalt do as I say. Dost I maketh myself clear?'

'Sir, yes sir!' They all said in unison.

'Good. I want thou to keep the village of Peach Creekia and her neighbours in order. Do whatever it takes. Thou must take the lawbreaker to the castle, where I shalt judge them. It is thy will. If…' He then noticed that one of the Paladins was smiling for some reason. 'What is thy name?' Sir Prince Kevin barked.

'Ed!' The young Paladin smiled back.

'Alright, Ed.' Sir Prince Kevin. 'Drop and give me 20! Now!'

'Aye, aye, cap'n!' Ed yelled as he tried to salute with a sword that came out of nowhere. Unfortunately, he ended up stabbing himself in the head.

'And take that sword out of thy head!'

'Okey-dokey, Kev!'

'It's Sir Prince Kevin!' The temporary ruler said. 'Even the author knows that!' Ed removed the sword from his head and began doing push-ups. 'Thou aren't even worthy to be my pack mule!'

Twenty push-ups later, Ed got back on his feet. 'Done!'

'Very well.' He then turned towards the rest of the Paladins. 'If force is needed, so be it.' He then turned away from them. 'How long am I gonna be out of character for?' He complained, sotto voce. He then turned towards them and started speaking normally. 'Look, all ye have to do is go around the city and arrest anyone doing anything illegal. The usual crap. OK?'

'Sir, yes sir!' The Paladins said.

'Good. Now get outta here while I try to say more Medieval stuff.' And so they did.

Meanwhile, in town, there seemed to be a small crowd of people gathering. About 5 or 6, at most. From the sounds of it, they were watching a man – presumably the town crier – speak about something. For one man, however, this was the perfect opportunity.

Say "hello" to Eddy, the Halfling thief. He's a drifter; no one knows his history. He has no known relatives and a number of people don't think he actually exists. The only thing that people know about him is that he's one of the most wanted people in The County. His most distinguishing feature – if that made sense – was his bright yellow robe with a red stripe down the middle, plus an indigo-coloured hood and cuffs. Luckily for him, he can go out in public without most people knowing about him just as long as he leaves that robe at home.

Anyways, he was looking to the left and to the right. He then grabbed a knife and he cut one villager's pursestrings. Yes, the villager's aren't smart enough to realise that carrying their small bags of gold on their belt is a bad idea. Eddy then did the same to the next villager and the one after that. When he got to the fourth one, however, he was spotted by a Paladin who bellowed 'Halt!'

'Gotta go!' Eddy said before running off, stashing the bags on gold in a secret compartment on his robe. He ran as fast as his short Halfling legs could before he went down an alleyway.

Unfortunately, this is where he ran into Ed. No, literally, he accidentally ran headfirst into Ed, knocking him out cold. Ed, on the other hand, stood there as if nothing happened. A few seconds later, the Paladin who was trying to make an arrest arrived at the scene. 'Good show, Ed.' He then picked the thief up by the scruff of his neck. 'There is a bounty on this man's head and I am sure to collect it. I'll make sure that thou receiveth a fair amount as well.'

'Cool!' Ed smiled.

When Eddy awoke – which was roughly an hour after being KO'd – he was no longer in his robe. He was in some brown tunic, which was big enough to cover up his… Moving swiftly on! But yeah, he was in the castle, his face covered with tomatoes, rotten eggs and animal parts. 'So the dork awoke?' Sir Prince Kevin said.

'Wha? Huh?' Eddy said as he tried to regain composure.

'I now have in my court one of the most wanted men in my court, do I not?'

'Who the hell art thou?' Eddy asked.

'Who? I am the hell Sir Prince Kevin! I rule the land, or at least I do until the rightful King Daniel returns.' Sir Prince Kevin got up out of his throne and walked towards Eddy. 'Thou art the famed Eddy the thief, art thou not?'

'Yes…'

'Good. Then I have a favour for thee.'

Eddy sighed. 'What is it?'

Sir Prince Kevin sat back down. 'Alright, I'm not gonna use that fancy "ye old-e English-e" crap, so just listen. On Mount Kankerian, there's the Holy Jawbreaker of…' He paused, trying to remember its name. 'Something or Other.' He couldn't. 'We need ya to get it before the Kankerian Witches use it to concoct a brew of some kind.' He then turned away. 'Close enough.'

'Yeah, sure, whatever.' Eddy said, uninterested. He too dropped the whole "speaking archaic" thing.

'If you do not return in 10 chapters – starting from the end of this one – or refuse to do this quest, you'll be in the dungeons for 3 months.'

'Alright.' Eddy was still as uninterested as he was earlier.

'So what's it going to be, dork?' Sir Prince Kevin asked. 'Three months of rats and piss or some quest that'll probably mean you'll get killed?'

'I shall go on a quest.' Eddy replied. 'Mostly because it moves the plot along.'

'Very well.' Sir Prince Kevin said, getting ready to resume speaking in "ye old-e English-e". 'On one condition. You take the fool with thee.' He pointed to Ed, who waved at Eddy.

The Halfling thief facepalmed before going 'Fine. Anything else ye need, Your Highness?' He asked mockingly.

'There is one other thing. The great elven mage Eddward lives in his tower on the outskirts of town. I require that you two pay him a visit before you go off. It's not too hard to spot him.'

'OK.' Eddy took off his tunic, unintentionally showing off his naked self to the court. He wiped himself off before picking up his trademark robe and putting it on. He felt around for the bags of gold he took earlier, but he couldn't find them. He then realised that Sir Prince Kevin and/or one of the Paladins took them. He didn't mind though; he could always steal some more. Or perhaps plan a heist.

About 10 minutes later, the duo finally reached the tower. It was basically your standard tall cylindrical tower, with grey stone bricks, a conical roof with spire and a few small square windows. Obviously, it was much bigger on the inside. Strangest of all, there appears to be no entrance or exit. Ed and Eddy were tempted to leave but then they realised that there were no other towers in the area, at least not for another 20 or so miles. They were about to give up when suddenly they were covered in a light blue glow. They tried to resist, but they were unable to move, so they both closed their eyes, thinking they were going to die. As it grew stronger, they themselves faded out. When they were no longer there, the glow receded until it too was invisible.

When they opened their eyes, they found out that they were in a living room. It was a small, cosy room, with a lit stone fireplace at one end and a wall that also doubles as a bookshelf. To their right was a wooden door, which presumably led to the area where he concocted his brews. The room itself somehow managed to a have a wood/stone effect, not just on the walls but also on the ceiling and floor. Not much else to say, apart from a few green chairs and a small oak table in front of the fireplace, behind them a rug with a green and white target pattern. A voice from somewhere off-screen then asked 'How can I help thee, gentlemen?'

This is Eddward. Ever since he was 15, he wanted to be a mage. No one really knows why, but there we go. When he was 40, he went to a wizardry school where he perfected his art and, later, taught for the next 60 years. Afterwards, he went to Peach Creekia to work as a magical advisor to both King Daniels and, for the moment, Sir Prince Kevin. Now some of you may be worried about what I've turned him into. But don't worry, in Dungeons and Dragons, elves live for quite a long time without aging. But, then again, it probably depends on which edition you're playing and other things like that.

He then stepped out of the shadows, revealing that he's wearing a robe that's dark red, apart from a purple area stretching front his waist to his knees. Covering his scalp, however, was a black hood with four white stripes, two each on each side. It appears to have been held on by magic, seeing as no one knows what's underneath apart from Eddward himself. In his right hand, he was clutching a white staff with purple stripes at both ends and around the middle.

'Art thou the great elven mage Eddward we hast been hearing about?' Eddy asked.

'Aye,' Eddward replied. ''Tis me. But please, for simpler sake, I request that thou callst me Double D.'

'Good. Kev asked if thou wouldst help us on our quest to find a "Holy Jawbreaker" of some kind.'

'Ah, yes. Sir Prince Kevin. I foresaw this.' He then walked over to a bookshelf and picked up a book. He opened it up and, after much skimming, found the part he wanted. 'Legend says that the Holy Jawbreaker is an ingredient used for spell making. It's vital if thou wanted a spell to have a greater effect and last longer, otherwise it is useless.' He showed them the book. It was basically a grain-coloured jawbreaker (much like the ones from the original show), mostly because that's what colour the paper is, surrounded by text, which kinda looks like the writing from the Voynich manuscript if it was upside down and mirrored.

'What about the Kankerian Witches?' Ed asked.

Edd closed the book, then re-opened it to the right section. 'The Kankerian Witches are composed of Leus, Maria and Mabell. They have existed since time immemorial and will continue to exist unless defeated. They will not age, they do not require food or drink to survive and magic has little to no effect on them…' He turned the page. '… Unless someone is able to reflect their powers unto them.' He lowered the book, mostly to scratch his nose. Afterwards, he resumed holding the book as he did earlier. 'It also says that, every 50 years, their demonic cackles are heard across the land, a sure-fire sign that indicates a possible attack.'

'And what are these "attacks" that thou speaketh of?' Eddy said before turning away. 'Man, I really need to stop speaking like this.'

'On the first day, it rains fire upon the land. On the second day, cracks begin to form to reveal mirages, lulling the king's Paladins and other heroes into a trap. On the third day, bloodthirsty demons ravage the land, killing – and, in some cases, eating – those who try to stop them, seeing as there's a chance the mirage trap might fail. And on the fourth, dire locusts emerge, consuming any crops and, occasionally, animals in sight; when it's eaten all it can, it explodes, covering the ground in a very fine salt which leaves the ground infertile for two score.'

'I see.' Eddy said, looking a little bit scared. 'So, mage, wouldst thou be joining us on our quest?'

'No.' Eddward replied. ''Tis too dangerous. I might be killed.'

'Ed can be mashed into a pulp and I could have my nostrils raped and nobody would give a damn.' Eddy started to become bitter. 'But if the mage so much as steps on a rock... Ooh, not the mage! Anything but the pretty boy elven mage!'

'But I am one of King Daniel's advisors.'

'So?' Eddy replied. 'Ed's a Paladin.'

Edd sighed. 'When put that way…' He picked up a few spell scrolls and potions before heading towards Ed and Eddy. 'Let us do this.' He chanted a few words before all three of them were covered with the same glow from earlier.

When they had teleported outside of the tower, Edd and Eddy couldn't help but stare at Ed in sheer horror. 'What is it guys?' He asked with a goofy grin. Turns out that he kept his eyes open as they teleported out. As a result, his eyes and his monobrow are not on his face. Yeah, that's not a pretty sight. 'I think it would be wise to install a door.'

'Ye think?' Eddy sarcastically asked. After Ed somehow managed to regain his eyes and monobrow, the three of them then began their epic adventure to find the Holy Jawbreaker. They are ready to deal with any foe that comes their way. They are ready to meet new friends along the way. And, best of all, they were ready to make The County proud, or, at least, Ed and Edd were; Eddy was only in it to avoid the dungeons.

A/N: I do apologise if Kevin is out of character in this chapter; I'll try to fix this without making him seem villainous. Also, Eddy seems a bit OOC, but this too will be fixed.

But yeah, sorry about it having a not-all-that interesting beginning. It gets better, I promise. After all, there are still some characters to introduce, some battles to be fought and some other things to… thing. So don't give up after the first chapter just yet!

No, I won't waste your time with more explanations. I don't really know why I bothered introducing them. But still, if you're unsure about anything, you can ask me. Or just Google it, which might be the better option. I'm not trying to be accurate with this story, which explains all the anachronisms (not to mention me taking a few liberties with EEnE canon), but still feel free to point out any complaints you have. After all, don't like, read anyway! You might get a good MST out of it.

So yeah, that's all for this chapter. What will I do next? I have no idea myself. I'll try to make it more exciting, of course. Although I'm tempted to ask for suggestions, most of you would probably ask for me to ship some characters (especially THOSE two, if you know what I mean). So I probably won't; but that doesn't mean I won't change my mind.

Alright, so I'll be going now. Hopefully, the next chapter would be more entertaining than this one. Until then, take care.

P.S. If you're wondering how to pronounce it: Cank-air-ee-an. Lee-us. May-belle. You should know how to pronounce "Maria".