A/N: I'm sorry the whole 'kill a gate captain and he turns into a muffin' thing is stuck in my head… this is my rendition of Hu Lao Gate. I know all the offices aren't all really there but w/e ok.

The Real Hu Lao Gate

"Is Lu Bu going to be here! How does my hair look?"

Sima Yi, who had taken off his hat since they we're inside the main tent for a meeting, banged his head on the long table. "That… is the… seventeenth… time… you've asked that… Zhang He!" He said between pounding his head on the table.

Xiahou Dun winced. "He's only repeating it be cause you haven't answered."

Sima Yi looked up at Zhang He. "We're not sure if Lu Bu will be here."

Zhang He smiled and nodded. "Ok whatever now how does my hair look?"

Sima Yi went back to bashing his head on the table.

Across from the Wei forces the Sun family winced.

"How long do you think he'll keep that up?" Sun Shang asked, watching Sima Yi hit his head repeatedly on the table.

Sun Ce shrugged. "Who cares?"

Sun Quan stroked his beard. "By the looks of things he'll be at it till the meeting starts."

Sun Shang looked worried. "Won't he hurt himself?"

The older boys though about it… then shrugged. "Who cares?"

Pang Tong watched Sima Yi. "Thirty nine… Forty… Forty one… Forty two…"

Zhao Yun and Zhang Wei sighed.

"This is sooooo boring…"

"You could say that again."

"This is sooooo boring..."

Zhao Yun sighed. "Hey Wei when I say… You could say that again… It doesn't mean you have to say it again… It's just a figure of speech."

Zhang Wei shrugged. "This is sooooo boring…"

"Seventy five… Seventy Six… Seventy Seven…"

Yuan Shao cleared his throat. He was sitting near the head of the table prepared to give a speech. "NOW! Do we all know our battle positions?"

All the officers sighed. "YES!"

Yuan Shao cocked his head to one side. "Oh… Really?"

They all nodded.

Yuan Shao made a 'hmmm…' noise. "Well all right then! Good luck generals!"

The next day… It was time for a battle. The whole army magically knew exactly were to go. Yuan Shao stood at the back with the rest of his pansy ass army soldiers who just stood there pointlessly waiting for the rest of the army to do all the dirty work. Yuan Shao yelled really loud… so loud in fact that the rest of the army could magically hear every word he said. "HEAD FOR HU LAO GATE!"

Cao Cao also could magically be heard over all the fighting. "We head north… our destination is Hu Lao gate."

Liu Bei could be heard in the distance. "We head south wards… straight for Hu Lao gate."

"Your overconfedence will be your... blah blah blah... what I say means nothing beacuse my plans never work anyways."

Zhang He charged taking out three squads and a gate captain. Then… he suddenly fell to the ground by the place a body was supposed to be. "OH MY GOD!"

Sima Yi came up behind Zhang He to see the pretty boy crying. "Zhang He what the hell do you think you're doing? We're in the middle of a battle worry about your hair later."

"HE TURNED INTO A MUFFIN!"

Sima Yi twitched. "What… Stop speaking your gibberish boy!"

"MUFFIN! MUFFIN! MUFFIN! HE TURNED INTO A MUFFIN!"

Sima Yi sighed. "Look little miss butterfly wings we doing have…"

Zhang Ha shoved the muffin in his face. "Muffin…"

Sima Yi snatched it away from him and took a bite. "Hmm… not bad."

"CANIBLE! DON'T EAT HIM!" Zhang He snatched his muffin back. "We have to burry it… and never speak of it again."

Sima Yi sighed. "Ok we'll burry him but then we're getting back to the battle."

Zhang He beamed. "Alright!"

The whole army stood outside Hu Lao gate waiting for the battering-ram to knock that 'mofo' down. The captains and their strategists argued.

"WE NEED TO ATTACK THE SUPPLY DEPOT!" Sima Yi screamed.

Lu Xun looked at hi in disgust. "We did that last time! My turn! I say we set them on fire!"

"Oh please you say that every time!"

"Do not."

"Do too."

"Not."

"Too."

"NOT!"

They continued arguing. A few of Liu Bei's peasants ran towards them.

"WE'RE COMING MASTER LIU BEI!" They screamed. One tripped over a rock and died.

Liu Bei winced. "I think you should… uh… not be here."

Sun Jian winced. "LU XUN STOP IT!"

"NOO! WE NEED TO SET IT ON FIRE!"

"NOO! SUPPLY DEPOTS!"

Zhuge Liang fanned himself with what was supposed to be his weapon. "We should set up a defense and wait for General Zhao Yun too…"

BANG! BANG! BANG!

The Gate finally gave. The first squad charged… THEN SUDDENLY…

"LU BU! LU BU IS… GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH OH MY GOD HE GOT JOE CHONG! JOE! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Zhang Fei winced. "I guess we should send in… THE PLAYER!"

Player number one is playing Ma Chao. Lu Bu and Player one duel… PLAYER ONE WINNNNNNNSSSSSSSSS! YAY!

Zhang Fei sighed. "We'll that was easy… let's go kill his girl friend."

Guan Yu nodded. "Yes… let's."

They skip off happily.

Meanwhile back near the front of the Gate Zhang Ha takes out a Gate captain then fell down on the ground and started crying again.

Sima Yi came up behind him. "What is it this time?"

"PORK CHOPS! H- H- HE TURNED INTO A PORK CHOP!" Zhang He started crying again. "IS IT ME? IS IT JUST ME! HUH! IS IT?"

Sima Yi patted him on the shoulder. Maybe I shouldn't tell him about that guy who turned into a bottle of wine earlier.

The two Qiao's used the power of hyper active ness, AKA musou, to cut through the entire army. Zhou Yu was about one hit away from killing a not so important officer when the drunken idiot of a pirate, Gan Ning, came running thought and killing the officer in one blow. Zhou Yu sneered. "HE WAS MINE! I WANTED TO KILL HIM!"

Gan Ning shrugged. "Tough love sissy boy." He walked off.

Zhou Yu twitched. "Sissy boy?" He followed Gan Ning. "I AM NO BOY PIRATE SCUM!"

Gan Ning yawned. "I'm sorry… Sissy man… that good enough for you."

"Yes... I mean … NO! I'm not sissy!"

Gan Ning walked off again.

"GET BACK HERE I'M NOT FINISHED WITH YOU!"

Zhang He sighed. "Enemy office De… OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT!"

Sima Yi looked down at what he was pointing at. "Looks like an item." He went to pink it up.

"DON'T TOUCH IT!" Zhang He screamed.

"Why?"

"STEALING FROM DEAD PEOPLE IS… IT'S WRONG!"

"Whatever." Sima Yi picked up the item and shoved it into his robe.

Zhang He started crying again. "There is no beauty in turning into an item… of a muffin… or a pork chop… or… or…"

"Or a bottle of wine."

"Yeah…"

Sima Yi sighed. "Well… I think we're just about to…

Dong Zhou fell over and just before he died whispered. "My paridise my… ambition."

Sima Yi sighed. "See now… Everything is all better now."

Zhang He made a little sniffing noise. "Beautiful…"

The End

Well what do you think? Stupid? Funny? Flammable? Heh… heh… heh… If you flame me Malaki will flame you… literally.

Malaki: THAT'S RIGHT BIOTCH! starts setting random things on fire

Bunny Doll: SILENCE! There could be children reading this!

Malaki: Riiiight… sorry everybody.