Egoism, ambition, short temper, inferiority complex... all of these had led Mello to stain his heart with impurities called murder, abduction, theft, and a lot more.
Still, even after telling Matt about the plan, Matt had only said "yes", once more. Faithful to Mello, once more.
Mello had told him they would most certainly die, although he would make everything possible for Matt to get out of that alive. But Matt had said "yes" anyway, to the plan.
They would abduct Takada tomorrow. And die. Probably.
Mello knew it wasn't for humanity's sake that he started tracking Kira. But to beat Near, at last. Egoistically. Like usual. But what was the point after all. He had a 99.99% chance of dying tomorrow, so he wouldn't even beat Near, he would bring more proves to Near, to defeat Kira. Why did he change like this ? There was a time when he wouldn't even have considered this plan, if it helped Near in the end. Near could just fuck off and die, for all Mello cared.
Mello knew why he had changed, or more precisely who made him change.
Matt. From the beginning, when he arrived at Wammy's, Matt had changed Mello. He was the first Mello considered as a friend, the first Mello trusted, the first Mello... loved ? His heart raced as he came to this realisation, here, walking the streets at night to clear his mind before he would go back to the apartment he shared with Matt.
Matt had needed cigarettes, and Mello offered to go get them, as Matt had some preparation to do for tomorrow.
So Mello this time didn't curse Matt for smoking, and left the apartment for the 24h/7 little shop a few streets away. Matt could smoke non stop until tomorrow, that didn't matter anymore, he wouldn't die from lung cancer, after all.
Mello looked at the three red and white packs in his hand. These will be the last ones Matt would smoke...
Egoism, ambition, short temper, inferiority complex... all of these had led Mello to care for Matt. Because Matt didn't care that Mello didn't share, he would give him what he had anyway. Because Matt didn't mind being third, it only meant he was close to Mello. Because Matt wasn't scared of Mello and his horrible temper, he would just smile at Mello when Mello was pissed off, and make everything better. Because Matt made Mello feel number one for him.
And suddenly, that's all that mattered.
Mello crossed the road, and climbed the stairs to the apartment, second floor.
He opened the door. Matt was working on his laptop, and quickly glanced at Mello, smiling, before going back to work.
This smile... genuine, and yet so heavy with fear and sadness.
Mello knew Matt wasn't fearing for himself, nor was he sad to die, he was worried for Mello. Oblivious of his own end.
How can I... ? Mello whispered to himself, closing the door.
He walked to the couch where Matt was sat, let the three little packs of cigarettes fall on the table, next to Matt's laptop, and finally let himself fall on the couch, beside Matt.
Matt grabbed one of the packs, ripped it open and lit a cigarette. He stood up to smoke at the window. Mello didn't like breathing smoke. But Mello stopped him, making Matt fall back on the couch as he pulled on his arm.
"You can smoke here, I don't mind" Mello said blankly. Matt looked at him, and considering nothing mattered anymore, understood. He dragged on his cigarette, but still, he tried to exhale smoke on the opposite side of Mello.
Till the end, he will care, Mello thought.
Egoism, ambition, short temper, inferiority complex... all of these had led Mello to make a decision. Because this time, he wanted something for himself, not to prove anything to anyone, just for himself. Because he had hopes for the future, an ambition that he wanted to hold on to, that didn't involve hurt, sadness, or death. Because, as unpredictable as he was, he had changed his mind, the plans, the future. Because he wanted to be better. Not better than someone else, just better, for someone else.
Mello broke the heavy silence. "Matt, we're not gonna do it".
"What are you talking about Mello ? Of course we're going to make it, everything will be ok, don't stress yourself too much." Matt replied, not understanding that Mello wasn't worried about how things would work.
"No Matt, I mean, we won't do it. The plan. We won't abduct Takada".
"Oh, did you find a better plan ?" Matt questioned.
"Yes".
"And you're not going to tell me ?"
"I will, only if you promise me that whatever I say, you will accept." Mello was pushing his luck, afraid that Matt left when he would see a different Mello, a weak Mello. He wouldn't be able to take it, if Matt left. He was weak and egoistic.
Matt nodded, and listened to Mello without interrupting once. He had agreed even before he knew what Mello had in mind. Like usual.
"Matt, tracking Kira is over. Near will get him. But that's none of our business anymore. You'll probably hate me for that, but I don't have the courage to do what we planned, and have you killed. And worse, if I got out of that alive, I couldn't live without you. And if you got out of it alive and not me, I couldn't stand you to be alone, or even worse from me, finding someone else to give you company. I'm jealous at the thought of that, Matt.
I already was egoistic, and that's why I want to stay alive, with you, and have a chance to spend more time with you than the few hours that we have left if we follow the plan. But I'm also weak. I know it's far from what you know of me. But please, don't leave me. I'm just a man whose heart is filled with impurities, I don't know why God brought me someone like you, I almost took your life with my stupid plan for glory and whatever I had in mind.
I'm asking you to stay even if I don't deserve it, even if my reasons are bad. I love you Matt, that's the only positive thing I can say about myself. I love you."
Mello stopped talking, but his eyes stayed locked on Matt's, eager of any sign from the one he had opened his heart to.
Matt smiled, genuinely. No fear, no sadness.
He took Mello's face in his palms, gently caressing his cheeks with his thumbs, wetting his fingers with the tears that began to roll from Mello's eyes.
Mello, his golden halo of locks, his still angelic face despite the burn on his left side, his eyes, for the first time rid of coldness. Matt's fallen angel. Mihael.
Mello, as far as he remembered when he arrived at Wammy's, had always protected him from being beaten up, and when he was, Mello would avenge him, always.
Mello had protected him once again, like usual. Nothing would harm Matt, because Mello was safety. Care. Mello was Mello, changes or not. Weakness or not.
"I love you Mello" Matt whispered, before kissing Mello tenderly.
Mello had thought that these three packs of cigarettes would be the last Matt would smoke. And they were.
The day after, Mello made Matt promise he would quit smoking. Mello didn't want to lose Matt because of his cancer sticks.
Note : Once more, my desperate wishes that they don't die in the end... review please !
My other Matt/Mello stories are on my profile page !