Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha or pocky. But if I did, I would definitely make them cook! All the time! I'm ruthless that way...
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Enjoy!
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Chapter 1: Battle Egg
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MYOGA: Welcome to the first ever episode of IRON CHEF INUYASHA, where our Iron Chefs go against each other to create new and exciting dishes, using a…secret ingredient!
MYOGA: So, without further ado, let's see which of our Iron Chefs will be going on our first ever episode! Rin, will you do the honors?
RIN: Alright! (shuffles her hand through chef hat to pick out the two names and hands them to Myoga).
MYOGA: Thank you! And our first Iron Chef will be…Inuyasha?!
INUYASHA: Why're you so surprised?! My name's in the stupid title!
MYOGA: … and the winner of the battle will be…Sesshomaru?!
SESSHOMARU: Is this really a competition, then?
MYOGA: Oh, curses! It just had to be these two!
INUYASHA: And what makes you so sure you're gonna' win?!
SESSHOMARU: Do you have to ask?
INUYASHA: Oh?! I'll just fry YOU in a pan and feed YOU to the judges, you bastard-!
MYOGA: Will the two of you just shut up?! I don't get paid enough for this…
RIN: But Myoga, it's our first show. You haven't gotten paid at all.
MYOGA: I was just making a prediction. Now, let's progress onwards with our battle!
MYOGA: Now, I shall unveil our secret ingredient! Drum-roll please!
(with help) unveils table dramatically
MYOGA: Battle….Egg!
INUYASHA: That's gonna' be easy!
SESSHOMARU: True.
MYOGA: How would you two know?! Stupid brothers…
MYOGA: I'll explain the way this works. Each of our Iron Chefs must create three dishes: an appetizer, a main dish, and a dessert, using the secret ingredient. Now, on the count of three, I'll start the timer and each of the Iron Chefs will come to the table and grab what they need-hey!
(Inuyasha is already grabbing his ingredients).
MYOGA: It's not time yet!
INUYASHA: So?
MYOGA: So?! I need to say the trademark quote of the show!
INUYASHA: So say it, stupid!
MYOGA: Grrr…Ala Cuisine!
MYOGA: And there they go, grabbing away! It looks like Inuyasha's sous chef, Shippo, is grabbing…a skewer? That's strange…and Sesshomaru's sous chef is picking out…all sorts of peppers and, are those toothpicks? We'll have to see- right after this break!
(insert annoying string of commercials)
MYOGA: Alright, we're back! The kitchens are certainly heating up, now! Rin, will you give us an idea of some of the dishes being prepared?
RIN: Sure! It looks like Inuyasha is making some sort of…shish-kabob looking thing.
INUYASHA: Great, the bacon's raw, Shippo! Why the hell did you put them on the skewers if they weren't even cooked, stupid?!
SHIPPO: I'm just a kid! I don't even know how to cook!
INUYASHA: Excuses, excuses! Hurry it up, fuzz-ball!
SHIPPO: Stupid Inuyasha…doesn't know how to cook either…
MYOGA: Ooh. Such a violent chef…he didn't have to hit his assistant so hard…
RIN: And Lord Sesshomaru…is…uh...still trying to crack his egg open…
JAKEN: Lord Sesshomaru is so great, he doesn't even need any eggs!
SESSHOMARU: …
JAKEN: He agrees with me!
MYOGA: It's certainly a grim looking battle…I hope some of their food is slightly edible.
INUYASHA: Just you wait, Myoga! My food'll be so damn good you'll explode the second you taste it!
MYOGA: Dear lord…I hope he realizes he just confirmed my worries.
MYOGA: Well, it's a good a time as any to introduce our judges for this evening! Our first judge is the world famous food photographer and chef: Koga!
MYOGA: Our next judge is a fellow Iron Chef who is renowned for her chopping skills: Sango!
MYOGA: Lastly, our third and final judge, fellow Iron Chef and author of…uh…Romance Starts with Good Food and a Pat on the Cheek…oh dear: Miroku!
MYOGA: Now, what are your anticipations for tonight's food?
KOGA: They're both just a couple a' dumb mutts! I'd like to see either one of those puppies win!
SANGO: Well…Inuyasha seems to be progressing faster…but Sesshomaru has a good handle on what he's making…I think.
MIROKU: Sure I'm looking forward to the food…though I must say Sango's rear end is much, much more delectable…
(She slaps him as his hand just barely snakes to…that place).
SANGO: And you call yourself a professional?! Who invited you, anyway?!
MIROKU: Ah…it was fate, my dear Sango. Fate.
SANGO: Security trumps fate, and I can call them over here faster than you can pull a move on me, you lecher-!
MYOGA: Wow, we have diverted. Let's take a quick break, and then we'll be right back!
(…countless commercials of foot ointments, cleaning products, and that irritating car advertisement or two later…)
MYOGA: We are back on! Shall we see how they're doing? Take us away Rin!
RIN: Okay! Lord Sesshomaru seems to be making an omelet or something like that. It looks yummy…even though it's undercooked…
JAKEN: You forgot to mention the beautiful and powerful grace with which Lord Sesshomaru uses his hand to delicately sprinkle just the right amount of peppers into the fluffy and palatable egg!
MYOGA: …
MYOGA: I should make a new rule that goes along the lines of prohibiting the sous chefs to speak.
JAKEN: I am merely speaking for my lord!
RIN: Lord Sesshomaru is doing great! I want to eat some too!
MYOGA: Without getting salmonella?
RIN: And over there…it appears that Shippo is assembling the shish-kabobs together! Ooh, that black stuff is new! I wonder what it is…?
MYOGA: That would be burned bacon.
RIN: Oh. And there's green stuff too…I think it's asparagus.
MYOGA: Where does the egg fit in?
RIN: I wonder why Inuyasha is getting so mad at Shippo? It's not easy to stick hard-boiled egg on a skewer, right?
MYOGA: It would appear so. Miroku should probably start writing that poor sous chef's obituary.
MIROKU: At least it would be short.
SHIPPO: Hey!
INUYASHA: What the hell are you slackin' off for?!
SHIPPO: … (gulp).
INUYASHA: That's right!
MYOGA: Two bumps that time…harsh. And it seems the Iron Chefs are nearly done with their appetizers.
RIN: And Inuyasha has started on his center dish! I guess…
INUYASHA: Damn right I have! And how's my stupid half-brother doing?!
MYOGA: Emphasis on 'half'? Ironic…
RIN: He's starting on his center dish too, and it looks better than yours at the moment!
INUYASHA: And that's cause you're distracting me!
MYOGA: My apologies for ruining your precise artistic focus. Now, what are you making, exactly?
INUYASHA: I ain't tellin' you yet!
SHIPPO: That's because he probably doesn't even know what he's making yet himself…
INUYASHA: Is your job to talk?!
SHIPPO: …don't hit me.
MYOGA: And he kicked him, so as to honor his sous chef's wishes. Moving on to Sesshomaru's dish!
RIN: Jaken appears to be slicing some…are those truffles?
JAKEN: Of course, only the finest for Lord Sesshomaru!
MYOGA: …
MYOGA: Aren't truffles…an expensive mushroom?
JAKEN: Of course! Lord Sesshomaru only uses the very best ingredients!
MYOGA: How did we afford that?
RIN: …
MYOGA: Don't tell me it came out of my wallet.
RIN: Uh…you can talk to the producer of this show…
MYOGA: Exiting my depression- let's see what our judges are thinking thus far.
MYOGA: How are their main dishes coming along?
KOGA: What is that puppy doing? Egg-salad…? And…bread? What?!
SANGO: Inuyasha is certainly being creative. It looks almost like a casserole…
MIROKU: Interesting. He seems to be using French toast in his dish. I've never seen that before.
KOGA: You sound pretty undaunted. Are you not afraid of getting poisoned?
MIROKU: A free meal and a beautiful woman at my side, asking to survive this battle would be shameful!
KOGA: It all comes back to women, doesn't it?
SANGO: …
SANGO: Just a bit longer…then I can get away from him…
MYOGA: My deepest apologies Sango. The next time the both of you are judging, I'll make sure there's someone between you.
MIROKU: What have I done to bring on this cruel and undeserved punishment?
SANGO: Why can't you use your gift of eloquence for good?
MIROKU: Your compliment touches me, Sango…
(Slapping his creeping hand away).
SANGO: Please don't return the favor.
KOGA: …
KOGA: I thought this show was about food?
MYOGA: It-it is. This is just…uh…a sub-subplot! Yes!
KOGA, SANGO, MIROKU: …
MYOGA: Yes, we can afford subplots! We're not a poor studio!
MYOGA: Ahem. Well, it looks like their center dishes are complete! And now it's time for some good old dessert!
RIN: That's my favorite! I wonder what they'll make? Myoga, do I get to eat any of it?
MYOGA: Maybe…if there's extra.
MYOGA: Let's see what they're preparing!
RIN: Inuyasha, what are you doing?
INUYASHA: Stirring this together! What's it look like, stupid!
(Thrown frying pan hits him square in the face, leaving a nasty mark).
INUYASHA: What the hell was that for, Sesshomaru?!
SESSHOMARU: You're irritating.
INUYASHA: Oh…am I?!
MYOGA: Boys, boys! Focus! You've got a time limit, you know…
INUYASHA: What?!
SESSHOMARU: What?
MYOGA: I suppose I forgot to mention that little part…oops.
INUYASHA: …yeah, oops.
(Myoga now has a nice sized lump on his head).
MYOGA: The pay-check is worth it…the pay-check is worth it…
RIN: What are you doing Jaken?
JAKEN: Carefully placing this…on top of…
RIN: Oh…what's this?
(Touches fancy chocolate piece. It breaks.)
RIN: Oops! Sorry, Jaken!
JAKEN: …
MYOGA: Better rescue Rin! After this quick break, it's eating time!
(Generic commercial messages from the show's sponsors…yawn.)
MYOGA: And now, the moment you've all been waiting for! Chow time!
MYOGA: First up, we'll have Inuyasha's food…
KOGA: This'll be my last meal, I just know it!
SANGO: I can't wait to see what he's been working on.
MIROKU: I can't wait for Sango to feed me…ah…
SANGO: I wouldn't count on it.
MIROKU: You can hear what I'm thinking?
SANGO: Unfortunately…you said that last bit aloud.
MIROKU: Well, now that you know-
SANGO: Oh, look! The food's here.
MYOGA: Alright, Inuyasha. What are you going to serve us today?
INUYASHA: Ah-he-hem. First off, I just want to say that I'm gonna' win! And if I don't by some miracle…I'll know exactly who to come after…if you know what I mean…
MYOGA: Is it me or did it just get really hot in here?
INUYASHA: It's just you.
SANGO and MIROKU: …
KOGA: Stupid mutt! Hurry it up, we're starvin'!
INUYASHA: Dumb wolf! I'm gettin' there!
INUYASHA: This is my appetizer: Hard-Boiled Egg Brochettes.
(Now, use your imaginations! Image Idea: Hard-boiled egg, bacon, tomato, and asparagus shish-kabobs (brochettes) on small, white square plates with a small amount of herb dipping sauce.)
SANGO: It looks great! Are these black things truffles?
INUYASHA: …
INUYASHA: It's supposed to be bacon!
SANGO: Oh…alright.
MYOGA: Well, now that you are eating, judges, what do you think?
KOGA: Cept' for the crappy bacon… it was pretty…
INUYASHA: Pretty, what?
KOGA: …decent. But that doesn't mean I liked it!
SANGO: Very nice. The bacon was difficult to swallow, but the sauce you made was great! I also liked the touch of color you added in to compliment the white of the egg. Very impressive appearance.
INUYASHA: Well of course it's impressive! Toldja' it would be!
SANGO: And so is your ego.
MIROKU: Mm, mm! Even the bacon is good! It would be excellent on a date! I see it now: your girl-friend starts choking, and you have to pass her water mouth to mouth! Or give her the Heimlich Maneuver! Oh, Inuyasha, my friend, you are a genius!
INUYASHA: …Well I didn't think about it…that way…
(blushes.)
MYOGA: Maybe that would help break the ice between you and Ms. Kagome, eh?
INUYASHA: …
INUYASHA: None a' your business!
KOGA: Besides, Kagome's my woman! She doesn't really love Dog-Face here!
INUYASHA: And what makes you so confident bout' that, you stupid bastard?!
MYOGA: Okay, okay. On to the entrée!
INUYASHA: My entrée: Egg-Salad Casserole.
(This is a strange one… Image: Lasagna-like layers (with French toast instead of pasta), egg-salad in between layers (so, three places of the stuff), with baked cheese on the very top; garnish of basil, on little black, circular plates.)
KOGA: What the hell?!
SANGO: Wow.
MIROKU: I smell romance on this dish!
KOGA: Sure it's not death you smell?
MYOGA: So, what do you think?
KOGA: Not so good…hah!
INUYASHA: Shut up!
SANGO: It was…unusual and unorthodox, but it tasted fine to me. Not as good as your last dish, but certainly not…bad.
MIROKU: Nice. Reminds me of the food she used to make…
SANGO: Who's 'she'?
MIROKU: …
SANGO: Miroku!
MIROKU: …
INUYASHA: Thanks, I think. And, here's my dessert: Strawberry Short-Cake!
(You all know what strawberry Short Cake looks like, right? Just in case- Image: a piece of small, round, yellow cake on a pink circular plate (it's garnished with marzipan and a single strawberry at the top. Mint leaf on bottom of plate.)
KOGA: Hah! Figures that you'd make a girly dessert!
INUYASHA: It ain't girly! Besides, it's quick and easy, stupid!
KOGA: Excuses.
INUYASHA: Grrr…
SANGO: This is great! Incredibly light and refreshing!
MIROKU: Its like a girl-magnet! What ingeniousness!
SANGO: Does everything you eat have some connection to romance?
MIROKU: …
SANGO: Never mind. I know the answer.
INUYASHA: Hah! So the food was good!
MYOGA: Barely. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out how to make a dish with egg in it somewhere.
INUYASHA: I'll pretend I didn't here that!
MYOGA: Thank you, Inuyasha, for the excellent food.
MYOGA: And now, it's time to taste Sesshomaru's winning dishes.
SESSHOMARU: My appetizer: Omelet.
(Image: Wedges of pepper omelet with an olive skewered toothpick. Tomato dipping sauce on a black, triangular dish.)
KOGA: Not bad. Better than stupid's appetizer, anyway!
SANGO: It's a simple idea…and it's a bit undercooked…but overall, well done!
MIROKU: Ah…Sango, my strength has dissipated! Please feed me!
SANGO: Not on your life. You've got a tongue, lick it up, idiot.
MIROKU: Smart and beautiful!
SANGO: Thanks, but don't push it.
MIROKU: I agree, it is undercooked. However, I like the peppers you added in! It gave it some life!
SESSHOMARU: (Said in a grimly monotone voice) I live to bring excitement to others.
MYOGA: Now, what about your entrée?
SESSHOMARU: My entrée: Egg Soufflé.
(Image: A soufflé with a fried egg, caviar, and truffles on top of it. Each one is on a small, white circular plate.)
KOGA: Didn't you kinda' overdo it, just a little bit?
SESSHOMARU: This Sesshomaru never overdoes anything. Others are merely too simple.
KOGA: Do you read a horoscope about yourself everyday, or something?
SESSHOMARU: …
SANGO: Yum! Though the caviar and truffles clash terribly.
MIROKU: I admire your artistic viewpoint. However, I must agree with Sango. They look good together but they don't taste good together.
SANGO: So you can be civil?
MIROKU: Is that what you like in a man?
SANGO: I like a man who can take a hint and shut up.
MIROKU: …
MIROKU: …
MYOGA: It's a lost cause, Miroku.
SESSHOMARU: My dessert: White chocolate mousse.
(Image: Brown dish of white chocolate mousse with a fancy chocolate centerpiece.)
KOGA: You really do overdo everything.
SESSHOMARU: This Sesshomaru does not expect your simple brain to comprehend his refined methods.
KOGA: Fine…it tastes really good…but that doesn't mean I'm enjoying the experience!
SANGO: Your best, Sesshomaru. And the chocolate piece was a nice touch.
MIROKU: Ah…very nice!
MYOGA: Wow, blunt and to the point! Damn you subplots! But alas, every successful show needs them to stay on the air.
MYOGA: When we return, the results will be announced! Stay tuned!
(insert annoying, repeating, 'hers' and 'his' commercials…)
MYOGA: And we're back to announce the winner!
MYOGA: Let me explain the way this works. Each Iron Chef can earn a total of 15 points. The maximum amount of points are as follows: Creativity: 5 points, Originality: 5 points, Taste: 5 points.
MYOGA: Now, the both of you shake hands, and wish each other the best.
INUYASHA: No way! I ain't shakin' hands with the loser!
SESSHOMARU: Likewise.
MYOGA: You two are so irritating! I hope you both lose!
MYOGA: Now, let's see their scores!
Inuyasha: Taste: 2 points, Creativity: 4 points, Originality: 5 points.
Sesshomaru: Taste: 5 points, Creativity: 4 points, Originality: 2 points.
INUYASHA: …
SESSHOMARU: …
MYOGA: Hah-hah! It was a tie! You both win and lose! Serves you right!
INUYASHA: Feh, I still beat you!
SESSHOMARU: My food was better.
INUYASHA: Well, mine was original!
SESSHOMARU: Your food was a hazard.
INUYASHA: Yeah- well-!
MYOGA: And that's all for now! I'm your host, Myoga! Thank you for tuning in to our first ever episode of IRON CHEF INUYASHA! Please tune into the next episode, coming soon!
MIROKU: Please, Sango?
SANGO: Not on your life.
MIROKU: If I beat you in a battle?
SANGO: …maybe…
RIN: Bye everybody! Go and eat something yummy while you wait for the next episode!
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It's interesting, no? I'm sorry if it's not that good, but I'm trying a different style of writing on this one (very libretto-ish). I'm incredibly lazy, so I found that the dialogue flowed a little more easily. Who knows? Heh.
No, I've never made Egg-Salad Casserole... I wouldn't want to eat it. Would you? Especially if Inuyasha made it...I might die after the first bite.
This will be sort of a 'Once a Month' fic, so I can't guarantee that there will be immediate updates. My story How to Build a Fire takes up most of my time, and I have decided to dedicate most of my writing time to it. It's part of a policy I have. But this story was begging to be written...so...yeah.
About the next battle: if you review (pretty please!), I would like you to please tell me who you think should go against who in the next battle! So that we don't get all different things, here are your choices: Miroku vs. Sango, Koga vs. Inuyasha, or Kagome vs. Kikyo. Thank you, and please vote!
I'd like to thank you all for bothering to click on this wacky story! I appreciate the fact that I have great readers like you! Please continue to support me if you liked it, and if you didn't, I'm sorry that it wasn't what you were looking for. Best of luck next time!
Have a Great day!
Byebee:3
TohrutheGreat