Disclaimer: No, I do not own Glee, any of the characters from Glee, any of the actors on Glee, or any of the songs sang on Glee that I may mention below. (If I did, Kurt would've already been rapping. XD) And I also do not own Damn You Autocorrect . com, which is where I got the ideas for most of these! :
Kurt: Oh great, another humiliating story. *rolls eyes*
Me: Yeah, but this time it's your phones faults, not your own
Blaine: …I'm not sure whether that means we should be relieved, or humiliated.
Me: Yeah, me neither.
Kurt: …You gave us all weird contact names on each other's phones?
Me: Yeah, they should all be pretty obvious, and I think it's obvious who's talking to who, so you should be okay. Except for Blainey is with Kurt, and Blainers is with Jeff, but that should be obvious enough.
Kurt: Wait, everyone's involved here?
Me: Yeah, mostly you guys though. Like, you're in every one.
Blaine: A few of the Warblers are here too. Great. We're all making fools out ourselves.
Me: That's better than just making fools out of just yourself. *shrugs*
Blaine: …Actually…that's kind of true.
Kurt: How about none of us making a fool out of ourselves?
Me: Now where would be the fun in that?
Kurt: *cough*sadistic*cough*
Me: *ignore* Awkward time!
To: Blainey
No, honey, just going out with family to dinner -LTT
4:45pm 1/17/12
From: Blainey
Oh, where u guys goin? -LTT
4:46pm 1/17/12
To: Blainey
That new seafood place they opened
4:48pm 1/17/12
From: Blainey
Oh fancy! That place sounds good though
4:49pm 1/17/12
To: Blainey
Yeah, I really wanted to try Sebastian afterwards
4:50pm 1/17/12
From: Blainey
…Um, what does that mean?
4:51pm 1/17/12
From: Blainey
Kurt, I'm very worried now. Please answer your phone.
4:55pm 1/17/12
From: Blainey
Kurt, I'm not kidding. I'm freaking out.
4:58pm 1/17/12
From: Blainey
Kurt, I'm not kidding. I'll come over to your house, or to the restaurant. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
5:00pm 1/17/12
To: Blainey
Whoops, sorry, had to finish getting ready and I put my phone down without even noticing it autocorrected DX DAMN YOU AUTOCORRECT! What I *meant* to say was, "I've really wanted to try their sea bass for a while." Don't know HOW that autocorrected into what it did, but I didn't mean the Sebastian comment.
5:03pm 1/17/12
To: Blainey
Hello? Blaine?
5:06pm 1/17/12
From: Blainey
*sighs with relief* Oh thank god, it was only autocorrect. I was starting to get worried.
5:07pm 1/17/12
To: Blainey
I could see that. *raises eyebrow*
5:08pm 1/17/12
From: Blainey
Have a nice dinner, love. Tell me if you like it. Lobe you.
5:09pm 1/17/12
From: Blainey
DAMN AUTOCORRECT! I LOVE you. LOVE you. *throws phone* how does it even get Lobe from Love?
5:09pm 1/17/12
To: Blainey
Haahaa, don't know… Anyway, I will. Lobe you too. *winks*
5:10pm 1/17/12
Damn You Autocorrect!
To: Kurtie
Hey, you there love?
3:03pm 1/19/12
To: Kurtie
Hey-llo?
3:13pm 1/19/12
From: Kurtie
Oops, sorry love. :-) Finn wanted to use the cockulator on my phone for a while, but I'm here now! ;-D
3:13pm 1/19/12
From: Kurtie
OH DEAR GOD! NOT COCKULATOR! My *cockblocker*
3:14pm 1/19/12
From:Kurtie
Oh, my god, what is wrong with my phone? My *cocklater
3:14pm 1/19/12
From: Kurtie
Oh lordie, *Calculator*
3:15pm 1/19/12
To: Kurtie
…Buahahaha! Cockulator!
3:15pm 1/19/12
From: Kurtie
You know what I meant!
3:15pm 1/19/12
To: Kurtie
Can I use your cockulator? *winks* ;-P
3:16pm 1/19/12
From: Kurtie
Oh dear lord, Blaine. *blushes* What does that even mean?
3:16pm 1/19/12
To: Kurtie
*shrugs* Don't know, but there's something in there.
3:17pm 1/19/12
Damn You Autocorrect!
To: Kurtie
Hey sweetie, how's it going?
1:10pm 1/22/12
From: Kurtie
Annoying the rest of New Directions by telling them how much I diss you.
1:12pm 1/22/12
To: Kurtie
Um…I don't know how to respond to that….
1:13pm 1/22/12
From: Kurtie
DAMN AUTOCORRECT! I mean to say, I am annoying the rest of New Directions by telling them how much I kiss you.
1:14pm 1/22/12
From: Kurtie
*grrr, autocorrect* Miss you. How much I miss you….
1:14pm 1/22/12
To: Kurtie
Awww, not how much you kiss me?
*hurt*
1:15pm 1/22/12
From: Kurtie
Well, that would work too. Miss you though. :( *le sigh*
1:16pm 1/22/12
To: Kurtie
I'll be back soon. Love ya, sweaty.
1:17pm 1/22/12
From: Kurtie
? Um…did you just call me sweaty?
1:18pm 1/22/12
To: Kurtie
That was supposed to say sweetie...
1:19pm 1/22/12
From: Kurtie
Oh… haha, damn autocorrect
1:20pm 1/22/12
Damn You Autocorrect!
From: Blainey
I'm horny…
12:15am 1/25/12
To: Blainey
That's great, I'm tired
12:16am 1/25/12
From: Blainey
Seriously, like, I need to have sex with you right now. *so horny*
12:16am 1/25/12
To: Blainey
That's nice, but I'm tired and seriously can't meet you right now. It's past twelve. My dad would never let me out of the house.
12:17am 1/25/12
From: Blainey
I could come over there….
12:18am 1/25/12
To: Blainey
I don't think he would like that….
12:19am 1/25/12
From: Blainey
I could climb through your window
12:20am 1/25/12
To: Blainey
You really are desperate, aren't you?
12:21am 1/25/12
From: Blainey
Yes…I'm serious. Like, I really need sex. Now.
12:21am 1/25/12
To: Blainey
Weren't you once the one who said that was what masturbation was for?
12:22am 1/25/12
From: Blainey
It's a bummer to masturbate when I have you.
12:23am 1/25/12
To: Blainey
Thanks, I think….But it's seriously not going to happen right now. You do realize this is basically a booty call. Well, text…
12:23am 1/25/12
From: Blainey
Can we sext?
12:24am 1/25/12
To: Blainey
OMG, NO! WHAT IF MY DAD SAW IT? And did you not read anything that I wrote?
12:25am 1/25/12
From: Blainey
Yes, I saw it, and you're my boyfriend, so no, it's not a booty call. And just delete the sexts then! OMG! I NEED SEX IN SOME FORM!
12:25am 1/25/12
To: Blainey
*sighs* I'm not going to be able to sleep until I sext with you, are I?
12:26am 1/25/12
From: Blainey
Nope, probably not.
12:26am 1/25/12
To: Blainey
Fine. Omg, I can't believe I'm doing this. *blushes*
12:27am 1/25/12
From: Blainey
It's okay. ;-) I'll take care of you. You just have to imagine my hands traveling down your body right now, slipping up under your shirt, tweaking your nipples
12:27am 1/25/12
To: Blainey
Hehe, that's where your wrong. Not wearing any shirt…or pants…or underwear. ;-)
12:28am 1/25/12
From: Blainey
Damn, you sleep naked? Now I really want to just lick my way down your stomach, right across your navel, and do I even have to say what I'm going to do next?
12:29am 1/25/12
To: Blainey
*moans* Please, please tell me.
12:29am 1/25/12
From: Blainey
Okay, okay. I love picturing you like you probably are now. All wanton and needy. It makes me want to suck your cock, just like a lollipop. Tasting your pre-come *groans* It's like candy.
12:30am 1/25/12
To: Blainey
Oh my god, Blaine. *blushes* I thought you needed sex.
12:31am 1/25/12
From: Blainey
I'd much rather make you cum. You're nice and relaxed than, right before I fuck you senseless. Deep throat you, bringing you right to the edge before you scream out, and then stop, leaving you wanton, panting, screaming
12:32am 1/25/12
To: Blainey
No don't do that Please please let me come
12:33am 1/25/12
From: Blainey
I bet you're jerking yourself off, huh? But I wouldn't let you come just yet. I would just sit back on my heels and look at you. Your beautiful, flushed body. Even your cock. Have I ever told you how pretty your Panini is?
12:33am 1/25/12
From: Blainey
WAIT, NOT YOUR PANINI! YOUR PENIS! Oh god. Well, there goes the mood.
12:34am 1/25/12
To: Blainey
… Buahahahaha! MY PANINI? No, you have never told me how pretty my Panini is. BUAHAHAHAHAHA!
12:35am 1/25/12
From: Blainey
Oh my god, just forget that happened. Please. Damn autocorrect. I'm going to bed. Love you."
12:36am 1/25/12
To: Blainey
It was just a mistake. Don't sweat it, it was just autocorrect. Love you too, honey. :)
12:37am 1/25/12
Damn You Autocorrect!
From: Kurtie
Omg, just saw Mercedes dog's puppies. SO CUTE! But they slobbered all over me. :-\
10:00am 1/28/12
To: Kurtie
Well, as least they were cute. :)
10:01am 1/28/12
From: Kurtie
Yeah, I love Mercedes to death and they were so cute, but I hate it when people don't have control over their pussies. They slobber all over me, and I hate that smell and now I'm all sticky. :(
10:02am 1/28/12
From: Kurtie
OMFG! NOT PUSSSIES! PUPPIES! PUPPIES!
10:02am 1/28/12
To: Kurtie
Omg, BUAHAHAHAHA! LAUGHING SO HARD RIGHT NOW! BAUAUAUAUAH!
10:03am 1/28/12
From: Kurtie
Not even sure how that happened…really am not.
10:04am 1/28/12
Damn You Autocorrect!
To: Cedes
Hey, Cedes!
10:05pm 1/31/12
From: Cedes
Hey Kurtie! What's up?
10:06pm 1/31/12
To: Cedes
Just got home from a date with Blaine. :-) My heart feels about ready to burst from happiness. *sighs*
10:07pm 1/31/12
From: Cedes
Awww, honey. I love Blaine. I'm so happy for you guys. I can't think of anyone more erect for you.
10:07pm 1/31/12
To: Cedes
…Please just reread what you just sent me…just, please. O_O
10:08pm 1/31/12
From: Cedes
Buahahahaha! BEST AUTOCORRECT FAIL EVER! *dead*
10:09pm 1/31/12
Damn You Autocorrect!
From: Blaine Warbler
Well, Mike, since you're Asian, you could make Tina, like, an orgasm swan. I don't know what to do for Kurt.
9:30am 2/3/12
From: Blaine Warbler
OMG, I'M SO SORRY! IT WAS *ORIGAMI*! NOT ORGASM!
9:31am 2/3/12
To: Blaine Warbler
Hahaha, no problem man. Best autocorrect fail EVER!
9:32am 2/3/12
Damn You Autocorrect!
From: Rachel Star
Hey, you know anything about medication?
6:33am 2/7/12
To: Rachel Star
Um…I guess…why don't you ask your dads?
6:34am 2/7/12
From: Rachel Star
They're out of town. So can you please give me any advice?
6:35am 2/7/12
To: Rachel Star
Sure, what medication for?
6:36am 2/7/12
From: Rachel Star
If you've been fucking all night.
6:37am 2/7/12
To: Rachel Star
? The day after pill?
6:38am 2/7/12
From: Rachel Star
Omg, KURT, I mean PUCKING
6:39am 2/7/12
To: Rachel Star
…What's the difference?
6:40am 2/7/12
From: Rachel Star
IT WAS SUPPOSED TO SAY PUKING! *PUKING*! Omg…
6:41am 2/7/12
To: Rachel Star
Oh great, another image I don't need.
6:42am 2/7/12
Damn You Autocorrect!
To: Finnegan
Sorry, Finn, out bowling with Blaine and some of the Warblers.
7:30pm 2/10/12
From: Finnegan
Oh, then go back to bowling. Lick some ass!
7:31pm 2/10/12
To: Finnegan
…Um, Finn….Excuse me?
7:32pm 2/10/12
From: Finnegan
O_O That was supposed to say "kick some ass"
7:33pm 2/10/12
To: Finnegan
….BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Sooooo awkward!
7:34pm 2/10/12
From: Finnegan
I should really just stop texting
7:35pm 2/10/12
Damn You Autocorrect!
To: Dad
Okay, just hanging out with Rachel right now at the Lima Bean. Was going to leave in a bit.
1:00pm 2/15/12
From: Dad
Okay, Kurt. Can you bring me some lunch than?
1:03pm 2/15/12
To: Dad
Sure, just as soon as I get out of her. What do you want?
1:04pm 2/15/12
From: Dad
…Kurt…are you experimenting again? Is there something I should know?
1:05pm 2/15/12
To: Dad
WHAT? NO! THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO SAY *HERE*! Darn autocorrect on my phone! ARGH! *HERE*! Once I get out of *here*! I'm not experimenting! I HAVE BLAINE!
1:06pm 2/15/12
From: Dad
Okay, okay, I get it. That was awkward…. Anyway, about a sandwich from Subway?
1:07pm 2/15/12
To: Dad
Sounds good.
1:08pm 2/15/12
Damn You Autocorrect!
To: Asian Sex Idol Tina
Blaine and I say thank you for your bestiality :)
5:04pm 2/15/12
To: Asian Sex Idol Tina
OMG, that was supposed to say hospitality, not bestiality…damn autocorrect.
5:05pm 2/15/12
From: Asian Sex Idol Tina
Buahahahaha! So going on facebook. :)
2:06pm 2/15/12
To: Asian Sex Idol Tina
My life…. :\
2:07pm 2/15/12
Damn You Autocorrect!
To: Nick
My penis just exploded and got all over my desk.
5:61pm 2/16/12
From: Nick
TMI, Blaine, TMI
5:62pm 2/16/12
To: Nick
OMG, It was my pen! My pen! My *PEN* exploded and got *INK* all over my desk!
5:63pm 2/16/12
From: Nick
XD OMG XD XD XD XD XD XD
5:64pm 2/16/12
From: Nick
THAT WAS INSANELY HILARIOUS! H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S!
5:65pm 2/16/12
To: Nick
God donut
5:66pm 2/16/12
From: Nick
HAHAHAHAHA! IT JUST GETS BETTER AND BETTTER!
5:67pm 2/16/12
To: Nick
Dammit
5:68pm 2/16/12
Damn You Autocorrect!
From: Britt
Kurtie, Lord Tubbington fucked all over my bed. What should I do?
2:10pm 2/25/12
To: Britt
Um….He *fucked* all over your bed?
2:12pm 2/25/12
From: Britt
No, Dolphin, he puked all over my bed
2:14pm 2/25/12
To: Britt
Oh…ok….
2:16pm 2/25/12
Damn You Autocorrect!
To: Blainey
Sometimes I think that about going vegetarian, and then I remember that I could never give up eating children
10:01pm 2/27/12
From: Blainey
Um, children?
10:02pm 2/27/12
To: Blainey
Um, that was supposed to be Chicken. HOW COULD THAT EVEN HAPPEN? SERIOUSLY!
10:03pm 2/17/12
From: Blainey
Your phone turned satanic! BUAHAHAHAHAHA!
10:04pm 2/17/12
To: Blainey
Yeah…I don't eat children….. :( That would be sad. And evil. But I'm cracking up right now, soo….
10:05pm 2/17/12
Damn You Autocorrect!
To: Kurtie
Kurt, do you ever think about living together?
11:50pm 2/17/12
From: Kurtie
…*blushes* Um..Yes…all the time, admittedly. Um…I've kind of looked at dishware and furniture and decorating ideas all the time.
11:51pm 2/17/12
To: Kurtie
It's okay. I love it. LOVE IT! I have a crazy idea. We should invest in something right now.
11:51pm 2/17/12
From: Kurtie
Wait…you mean buy something that will go in our apartment?
11:52pm 2/17/12
To: Kurtie
Yeah, is there something that you've been looking at that you really want?
11:53pm 2/17/12
From: Kurtie
Yeah, right now….I saw this teapot online. It's super cute, and is Dalton colors and has music notes on it and a yellow bird and of course we can actually use it. It has matching mugs too. I know, it's stupid cause it's a tea pot, but it's adorable!
11:54pm 2/17/12
To: Kurtie
*chuckles* I think you're adorable and it sounds perfect. How much is it?
11:55pm 2/17/12
From: Kurtie
It's $70.00. :\
11:56pm 2/17/12
To: Kurtie
It's okay. How about we go halfsies?
11:57pm 2/17/12
From: Kurtie
Seriously?
11:57pm 2/17/12
To: Kurtie
Yep. :) I want to do this. I want this to be for our future. The first thing we buy together. :)
11:58pm 2/17/12
From: Kurtie
Awesome! Okay! I love you!
11:59pm 2/17/12
To: Kurtie
Love you too. :)
12:00am 2/18/12
From: Kurtie
And we'll get the testicles!
12:01am 2/18/12
To: Kurtie
…What?
12:02am 2/18/12
From: Kurtie
TEACUPS! TEACUPS, GOSH DARN IT! Stupid autocorrect. *pouts*
12:03am 2/18/12
To: Kurtie
Hahaha! Wow. Well, anyway, we'll still be good!
12:04am 2/18/12
Damn You Autocorrect!
To: Blainey
Wait, you want to get a dog?
12:24am 2/18/12
From: Blainey
Maybe yeah
12:25am 2/18/12
To: Blainey
Then a condom would be better than an apartment.
12:26am 2/18/12
From: Blainey
…Okay (?)
12:27am 2/18/12
To: Blainey
GOD! IT WAS CONDO! A *CONDO!
12:28am 2/18/12
From: Blainey
Oh, okay! *laughs* although getting condoms would be good, too. ;-)
12:29am 2/18/12
To: Blainey
O.M.G, Blaine. XP
12:30am 2/18/12
Damn You Autocorrect!
From: Blainey
I'm going to fuck…in the lunch room…with all the other people…instead of going to lunch with you. :(8 *dapper sadness*
12:35pm 2/24/12
From: Blainey|
WAIT! NOT GOING TO FUCK! I'M GOING TO *LUNCH* IN THE LUNCH ROOM! GOSHDARNIT! Stupid Autocorrect! Lmao
12:36pm 2/24/12
To: Blainey
Geesh, I'm sick ONE day… *sighs* And you have a dapper sadness over it! Just kidding :) Anyway are you coming to see me today? *puppy dog eyes*
12:37pm 2/24/12
From: Blainey
ARGH! Oh shut up… And of course I'm coming to see you! I can't leave you sick and alone. ;)
12:38pm 2/24/12
Damn You Autocorrect!
To: Kurtonista
Kurt, I need your help! I have a date with Finn and I don't know what to wear!
3:06pm 2/27/12
From: Kurtonista
What about that whore dress that you have, Rach?
3:07pm 2/27/12
To: Kurtonista
…What?
3:08pm 2/27/12
From: Kurtonista
DAMN AUTOCORRECT! That was supposed to say white…wow…can't even tell how that happened?
3:09pm 2/27/12
To: Kurtonista
Okay that makes more sense. And which white dress?
3:10pm 2/27/12
Damn You Autocorrect!
To: Trouty Mouth Sam
You should probably invest in a vibrating cock if you can't wake up from just an alarm.
3:57pm 2/29/12
To: Trouty Mouth Sam
CLOCK! Damn autocorrect.
3:58pm 2/29/12
From: Trouty Mouth Sam
Lmao! So going up on facebook.
4:00pm 2/29/12
To: Trouty Mouth Sam
Yes, thank you, just spread my asshole, why don't you, Sam.
4:01pm 2/29/12
To: Trouty Mouth Sam
OMFG! ASSHOLINESS! NOT ASSHOLE!
4:02pm 2/29/12
From: Trouty Mouth Sam
LMFAO! Awkward moment, Blaine, awkward moment.
4:03pm 2/29/12
To: Trouty Mouth Sam
Kurt would kill you if you even tried.
4:04pm 2/29/12
Damn You Autocorrect!
To: Blainers
I had toast with Nutella this morning and it was seductive.
4:29pm 2/29/12
From: Blainers
? What, Jeff?
4:30pm 2/29/12
To: Blainers
*seductive
4:31pm 2/29/12
To: Blainers
Delicate
4:31pm 2/29/12
To: Blainers
Delicious
4:32pm 2/29/12
To: Blainers
Stupid Auto caucus
4:42pm 2/29/12
To: Blainers
Auto cucumber
4:42pm 2/29/12
To: Blainers
Oh, forget it. I had Nutella on toast this morning and it was amazon
4:43pm 2/29/12
To: Blainers
Amazing. Oh My lord.
4:43pm 2/29/12
From: Blainers
Wow, Jeff, that was magical. Just magical.
4:44pm 2/29/12
Damn You Autocorrect!
From: Noah
Damn it, Hummel. Think of all the time I could've spent masturbating, instead of working on the guitar part
4:30pm 2/29/12
To: Noah
Sorry, but seriously, TMI, Puck, TMI O_O
4:31pm 2/29/12
From: Noah
That was supposed to say mastering sleep, not masturbating…shit.
4:32pm 2/29/12
To: Noah
Oh. Damn autocorrect, huh? Heh heh.
4:33pm 2/29/12
Damn You Autocorrect!
To: Kurtie
Hey, my cunt is humming and she wants to meet you. :)
4:50pm 2/29/12
To: Kurtie
Oh my lord, my cunt is coming
4:51pm 2/29/12
To: Kurtie
My AUNT is roaming
4:51pm 2/29/12
To: Kurtie
Ferret
4:51pm 2/29/12
To: Kurtie
Grrrr
4:52pm 2/29/12
To: Kurtie
GOD DAMSEL!
4:52pm 2/29/12
To: Kurtie
That's it, I'm done.
4:53pm 2/29/12
From: Kurtie
Omg, nice try, honey. What were you trying to say?
4:54pm 2/29/12
To: Kurtie
What I was going to say, was that my aunt is coming to town and she wants to meet you. God, it's been a day full of autocorrect fails. Must be because it's Leap Year.
4:55pm 2/29/12
From: Kurtie
Tell me about it. Must be because it's Leap Year. And I'd love to meet your aunt. :)
4:56pm 2/29/12
Damn You Autocorrect!
To: Blainey
Can you lick me up to go the movies? :)
6:30pm 3/4/12
From: Blainey
Lick you up?
6:31pm 3/4/12
To: Blainey
Puke me up, not lick me up.
6:32pm 3/4/12
From: Blainey
So know I'm puking you up. XD Buahahahahahaha!
6:33pm 3/4/12
To: Blainey
Oh my god, I meant, can you pick me up? Lmao.
6:34pm 3/4/12
From: Blainey
Sure, I'd love to pick you up. Be there soon. Maybe then there can be licking involved. ;P
6:35pm 3/4/12
To: Blainey
Suuure, maybe. XP
6:36pm 3/4/12
From: Blainey
Wait…did you mean that sarcastically or what?
6:37pm 3/4/12
From: Blainey
Seriously, Kurt.
6:38pm 3/4/12
Me: BUAHAHAHA! These crack me up! Panini! AHAAHAHAHAHAHA!
Blaine: Oh shut up! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!
Kurt: Like the me eating children thing! COMPLETELY AN ACCIDENT!
Me: BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! STILL DOESN'T STOP IT FROM BEING HILARIOUS!
Kurt/Blaine: OH SHUT UP!
Me: WHY, YOU'RE ERECT FOR EACH OTHER!
Kurt/Blaine: …This is just getting awkward…
Me: Woooh, *wipes eyes* Anyway, I'm think of doing a sequel if I have enough of a response, so yeah. :) Review and let me know how I did. And always, always, be careful of autocorrect. It's deadly. *serious*
Kurt/Blaine:*le sigh* it is though.