Naruto © MASASHI KISHIMOTO
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Tsunade glared at the blond young man in front of her.
This is never going to end, seriously; the same old story. Don't they find it exhausting – going through it again and again?
I took Naruto by the collar and rolled my eyes. Avoiding another hole in the Hokage's wall and subsequently wasting more of my chakra on mending Naruto's broken ribs was the least I could do. Bowing my head I started to drag him out.
"If that was all Tsunade-sama."
The woman took the report from Yamato and dismissed everyone from the room.
Already in the corridor Naruto jerked free from my grip.
"Damn-it Sakura-chan; you should have let me finish my complaining!"
"Well, my apologizes for caring about your well-being."
"Hmph! We're not kids anymore! She can't keep sending us on stupid B-rank missions."
"Yare, yare! I don't see why you are complaining for returning home sound and safe."
Yamato and Sai caught up with us on the stairs.
"This mission was so lame that even teme refused to come."
"I believe Hokage-sama didn't even request his presence."
Naruto glared at Sai. "Shut it! Don't remind me that I have to punch you after what I had to go through last night because of you."
"I remember that it was because of your di-"
"Come on, boys. You managed to stay on good terms during the mission, don't spoil the good mood now."
The same. Everything is the same; it's like playing a broken record. Shouldn't I be happy that things have found their proper course? That we have finally settled down and all the wounds were closing up? Though there were some awkward scars left behind. From the corner of my eyes I glanced at those three fools I care so much about, whilst they continued their quarrel (at least two of them with poor Yamato cursing the day he started to baby-sit them) – was it only me left with those scars?
Whilst their words barely reached my ears I stared absently at the bleeding sky of the dusk. Everything was back to normal for years now. Sasuke was back, Naruto was bubbling again about being Hokage, Tsunade giving us missions just to keep us out of her sight, Konoha was again… Konoha – the one we knew when we were twelve. There weren't any regrets left...so…why did I feel so …frustrated?
"Ne, Sakura-chan, how about meeting with us at the bar to call it a day tonight? I'll have teme coming too."
I stared at him for a moment, brought back to present and sighed.
"I guess that doesn't sound so bad. I'll drop home to take a shower and meet you guys there." I turned and waved over my head before leaping out of their sight.
"JA NE!"
--
Once inside the click of the shutting door echoed through the empty rooms of my old apartment. Always empty whenever I came back home. I let out a soft sigh for the countless time during the same day and throwing the keys to the ground I took off my shoes. The mission must have stressed me; that was all. I dragged my feet down the corridor and let my jounin vest fall to the floor. Without bothering to turn on the light in the living room I went inside my bathroom, hitting the switch on the wall, the small room illuminated by a pale light coming from two LED spot lights in the ceiling above the shower. Discarding the rest of the cloths I stepped inside and felt my body finally relax under the cold stream of water.
Get a grip on yourself Sakura! You are barely twenty-two and you feel as jaded as an eighty yeas old woman.
I straightened my body and lifted my head so that the water could hit my face and wake me up from my exhaustion. Then why, why did I feel so drained from all my power? I seriously had no reason to feel down. Everything in my life was perfect; almost too perfect. I was a respected medic, a woman with a brilliant future and a feared shinobi. I had everything I ever wanted; well… maybe I didn't have glorious love life but I won't complain. My hands were already full with a demanding shishou, annoying friends as Ino or careless important people like Naruto, Sai or Sasuke. Within years I managed to mend all my past mistakes and faults quite well and there was no reason to harbor hard feelings or hate anymore. I have no regrets… not anymore… not when I have a life…
My palm turned into a fist on the cold surface of one of the walls… no regrets… not even you… not mine at least.
Agggh! Damn it Sakura, what the hell has gotten into you to think of things like that in such a moment? You're not a kid anymore, there's no reason to be angry…not anymore…not for years… It was just the mission, killing missing nin was never a pretty job.
--
It was a bar that we loved to spend our evenings at. It was quiet and poorly lighted, nothing fancy but quite comfy. Both nin and civilians liked to pass by and have a drink or two. I lost track of time whilst in the shower but I wasn't going to worry about the boys getting bored waiting for me. Whilst we were really grateful for the moments thar all five of us could spend together (although I don't believe any of us was ready to admit it) I've learned that even when I wasn't around they didn't have the chance to get bored. Not with Naruto's hyperactivity which always concluded in an open fight with either Sai or Sasuke or the constant growling and snarling of the last two at each other. Sometimes I wonder what on earth is Yamato thinking when he deliberately chooses to spend time with us when he can go somewhere less troublesome and relax. I pushed the door open. Of course I knew the answer. It was the same for Sai. The reasons why we kept holding… to both…we were a team.
I was about to let the door shut and step further inside when I stopped myself from bumping into someone. When I looked up I saw a relatively surprised Sasuke on his way out.
"Err… leaving?"
He let his eyes linger a moment on me and there was a considering expression on his face before he finally spoke.
"Yeah…" again the same expression as if he was debating if to tell me something or not.
"I'm sorry… if me being late is-"
"No…it was…" he looked over his shoulders "a little bit too crowded" – was that a warning in his voice? – "and I was already tired when Naruto dragged me here. Sorry I can't stay."
I looked at him and even if I was in a bad mood, my anger chased a bit seeing as he did look a little worn down. The things he is doing to regain his respect and the effort he was putting into it were really admirable… and exhausting in the same time. Damn, he had even more reasons to feel down than me… considering I shouldn't have any at all.
A little bit worry I put a hand on his chin to lower his head and have a better look at his face. There sure were dark rings around his charcoal eyes. A little embarrassed at my mother-like behavior, but used to it none of the least, he arched one of his brows.
I let go of his chin and smiled warmly. "I'll have a full day tomorrow at the hospital but come by during my brake. Let's see if we can work a little on your nervous system and relax your muscles a little. You're like a walking brick."
He rolled his eyes but couldn't suppress his already well-known grin.
"How could I resist to such compliments."
It was my turn to copy his gestures.
"Go get some sleep Uchiha.", and turned to find the rest of the boys.
"Don't get too hot blooded tonight." He waved and stepped out. I side glanced his way. 'Hot blooded?' What the? I'm not such a party lover, and I'm definitely not losing my head over alcohol…well... most of the times. A simple 'have fun' would have been enough.'
"Sakura-chaaaan!!!"
Well that spares me of all the trouble to find them. As I approached the blond head that no one could miss even in a dark, foggy of cigarette smoke room I came to realize what Sasuke meant by 'a little bit too crowded'. Apart from him, Sai and Yamato Team 10 was there too and it took me a while to realize why I couldn't spot Yamato's face earlier. At the same table were sitting some of the older jounin as well.
And damned I be if I was to clench my jaw just because of the warm smiling eye and silver hair coming from behind the orange covers of a book. I have what is called self-control and I wont lose to an irking rage that was building inside me just because of a dusty image that has been playing on my retina since childhood. Who on earth does he think he is shoving that pathetic paternal smile of his on me every time he felt like? Especially since it was the only thing that he still seemed to do for me during the last four years. I wonder between our small and scarce meetings if there was a single time that he had addressed to me anything else than greetings and duty related phrases? I kept smiling at the people from the table, each nodding in their own way to return the greeting.
Ino narrowed her eyes at her childhood friend, seeing her tense body behind the sweet smile she used to fool everyone. She stole an unnoticed glance at the ex sensei of team 7. Thirty minutes ago she would have been more than glad to leave the bar after a quick shot with her team and decline Naruto's offer to have a drink at his table since even Kakashi and the rest decided to gather at a 'night in town'. But after hearing him mentioning that Sakura will be here too to cool off since the last mission got her a little fired up she made her mind and took a sit near the already pushed down Shikamaru. She knew Sakura; during the last years they grew closer that ever, and so, she knew her skeletons in the closet better than any...even better than Sakura herself. And that man, seated at the other end of the table was one hell of a hidden burden on the pink haired woman's shoulders.
"He, he...look Sakura! We stumbled across Genma and the gang when we came to the bar and then even team 10 was back in town from their previous mission."
"I can see that Naruto." Her voice did come out a little harder that it should have.
"You should control your enthusiasm at seeing me Forehead, you make me blush."
Ino scored as she saw her friend relaxing and giving her a little exhausted, warm smile.
"Very funny Ino."
"Oh, and stop standing, I know you want to get all the attention but that won't work."
She was about to retort to the fake sweetness of her blond friend when suddenly her eyes narrowed in annoyance. "I beg to differ." She hissed and before the presence from behind her had the chance to lean over she took in a firm grim his hand and slammed it on the table.
"I'm not in the mood Genma." The same hiss.
Even if around the table people were already laughing and Ino was smiling as well she couldn't stop but wishing that Sakura would know better than venturing her stubborn anger on other innocent people.
The man grimaced in fake pain and looked at her disappointingly.
"No need to get aggressive."
Sakura smirked and crossed her arms over her chest making the army like shirt open more and her breasts more pronounced under her black strap tank, obviously to him now that she wasn't wearing her usual bindings or a bra. The way he liked it...but now a major distracting factor.
"Oh…I was under the impression that you liked aggressive woman. Must have heard it wrong when you were trying your pick-up lines on a woman five tables from here….
… and Genma, my eyes are up here". She mocked enjoying the effect she had on him.
"Eh?" he asked as if woken from a confusing dream.
"What Ugly meant was 'stop staring at my breasts' but she put it in a what I guess to be polite way."
Here it was old Sai stating his bulk observations in the loveliest moments; at which Naturo snickered. "I would call that a 'I-love-to-make-a-fool-of-you' way Sai, and I am telling you this so that you can improve your study on emotions, nothing to do with Sakura-chan's suddenly bitchy attitude."
Pink locks flew over her shoulder as she snapped her head at Naruto.
"Don't make me teach Hinata how to hit you every time you act like a jerk."
He scratched his head sheepishly. "No need to go that far Sakura"
"That's called eavesdropping, Sakura-san." Genma chose to reopen their previous discussion.
"Pfff… not when you're that loud."
"Ehh, even so I am somehow flattered. I thought that you were so captivated by the Uchiha that you wouldn't even notice me." Yes he liked to play dirty.
But to his dismiss, as she had previously stated, she was not in the mood for his flirts and eyed him unimpressed.
"If I would have been that captivated by the Uchiha I wouldn't be here now, would I?"
Ok… so Sakura was more pissed off that she let it show since it wasn't like her to make sex jokes involving her and Sasuke. She had become too much of a friend with the man to consider him in any other position, regardless to her childhood crush.
Ino pushed Shikamaru's chair into Kotetsu's and pulled one more for Sakura to sit between her and Sai.
"Come on Forehead, sit."
The woman accepted it and let her body practically fall and sighed loudly. Get a grip on yourself!
And so, the chatter and the jokes started once again, their table giving a good vibe. Too bad that this good vibe was seriously getting on Sakura's nerves. She resumed at watching her nails and sipping from time to time from her sake. She couldn't stand it. How dares he show up all of the sudden? She hasn't seen him at the bar for months, and even when that happened he either was with Genma chatting with the bartender or slightly flirting with the waitress or sitting by himself reading from one of his god-damned books. Sometimes she wished she could grab those books and rip them or throw them in the river. She did that once when she was thirteen, but it wasn't her place to do it anymore. For her, since the age of fifteen he had became a simple acquaintance. At first she felt frustrated with the feeling but soon came to take it as it is. After all when was he doing more that his job as a sensei with her? Not even that. He was never concerning over her like he did with Sasuke and Naruto. He never focused on her to improve her weak points and perfect her strong ones. He never pushed her to the limits like her shishou did. He never saw in her what Tsunade did. He didn't react in any way when she went to the third Sannin to ask her to take her under her guidance. To the others it seemed stupid for a mere girl, with no promising aptitude to go and ask such an outrageous thing from the Hokage herself. But she couldn't care less. At that point she was doing it for herself because no one else was willingly to do it. She did it because she wanted to become strong like the rest and even if just a little, she did it because she wanted to read remorse on his face; to see him regret that he lost the chance of such a brilliant student that she had sworn to become. But she only ended up hurting herself. Because there was nothing. No remorse, no regret, no sadness, not even, at worse, congratulate her for growing up or a fucking sorry for not being there for you as any teacher should be. As Kurenai that supported and felt proud of Hinata no matter how shy and weak the girl had been at times, or as Gai that kept his faith in Lee and taught him to never let the others look down on him, or Asuma who had loved the three members of his team and cared for them unconditionally and undifferentiating. And what had Kakashi done for her? Other than smiling and comforting her every time she would pathetically start to cry. A smile that she never was sure that he really meant it or it was just his way of getting rid of her. A smile that now, in present, she felt like punch it from his face every time he would use it on her. It was disgusting her how freely he could show it to everyone. Even if it was fake, as she had grown to believe, for the longest time in her life she wished that at least that was something only for her; something that proved that, enjoyable or annoying, she had been a presence in his life, different form the people he passes by the streets or encounters in missions. But it wasn't so. Even that she had to share with the rest, him smiling his way to everyone.
Sakura brought her glass to the lips only to realize that it was empty. How many drinks did she have? The voices around the table flooded her ears again when Ino pushed her elbow forcefully in what she wanted it to seem an accident but it was obvious not so, when she shoot her pinquette friend a warning glare whilst she was stretching over the table after a bottle of sake – also empty.
Sakura rolled her eyes and leaned in her chair. So what if she had been staring? It's not like he did anything else than look into that book of his or smile from time to time to the others. It would mean to underestimate him by believing that he didn't realize we was being stared at but it's not like he had the courage or at least bother to look up and ask her about it. She glanced at him to see his reaction when Gai said his name.
At that that Ino got up. "Ok, I'm going to order another row of drinks. Does anyone want something in particular?"
"Order another pack of cigarettes if you don's mind."
"No problem. Come on Sakura, you're coming with me."
The woman frowned in confusion. "I am?"
"Yes!" and she grabbed her by the arm, dragging her to the bar.
When they were far enough she whispered at her.
"Would you stop staring?"
"I wasn't."
"Riiight… everything that is left for you to do is to start muttering curses under your chin and I have a feeling that in the morning we will find Kakashi deceased under 'unnatural circumstances'."
Sakura rolled her eyes.
Once at the bar she pinned her elbows down and Ino waved to the bartender.
"You seriously should get rid of this teacher-fatherly-image complex of yours."
At her words Sakura stiffed and clenched her fingers on the surface of the bar.
"I. do . not . have . a . complex!"
"Sheesh, it was only a joke Forehead, chill out." Well, at least it was until she saw her reaction.
"Why don't you go home and sleep it out?"
"I'm not a coward and I won't run away. I am here to spend time with my friends and I don't care of what he does." Her voice was serious and her eyes lost over a group of chatting people at one of the tables.
Ino knew what was keeping her friend down. She knew of the hate that her friend was silently nourishing for her ex-sensei, of her disappointment and of the mountain of confused feelings for the man. She never knew why she insisted in calling him a coward and she knew that Sakura was even exaggerating a little. More than once she saw the care with which Kakashi was watching over his precious pupil during the exams. But that was then and she couldn't pretend not to see that in the present the relationship between the two was … not the same indeed. In her case… she could only imagine how discouraging must be not to have the support of a teacher. And this was also one of the reasons why Ino envied Sakura. Even with this handicap in the road of becoming a shinobi, she did the same thing she had done that one day when they were stil kids. She desperately clenched her teeth around the single thing that she was left with and bit as hard as she could, not letting go – never letting go. In her eyes Sakura was really amazing.
"I'm just saying that you are already stressed; you don't need another irking factor." She turned to the bartender and told him the order.
"I have control over my emotions, I don't need you to worry over me."
"I'm not so sure about that."
"Look Ino, I promise you that if I'll ever feel like doing or saying something inappropriate I'll get up and leave. Is that good with you? Now come on, I want to sit down."
Ino sighed and followed her. For some reason she couldn't help but to hope that what Sakura finds as 'inappropriate' had the same meaning as it had for her. She took her by the elbow; a joke was always a good start.
"Or you could always get laid. It's a simple and refreshing way to let off some steam."
"Wouldn't you know."
Both of them grinned.
"Said the girl who doesn't even remember how she ended up in Neji's bed."
"Hei, at least I am picky!"
"Forehead you should consider yourself happy that I am concerned over you tonight or you'd have had to suffer the consequences of your statement. And I wouldn't call that picky – disturbing more likely. You don't want me to name all the strange guys that you have shared your bed… or something else with."
"You can count them on fingers unlike someone else I know."
"Bitch!"
When they reached the table the two young women were laughing.
"Well there ladies, can you include me to your fun?"
Both stared at Genma, remembering their last discussion and than looked at each other.
"Pass."
"Me too."
And as they took their previous seats they started to laugh even harder than before.
--
Somehow Sakura found herself again concentrating on her glass trying to push the voices in the back of her mind. Naruto was currently telling one of his funny adventures from his training with Jiraya and Sai wasn't wasting any chance to make a fool out of him.
Sakura looked at the dark haired man from her right. Sometimes she wondered if he wasn't faking all his lack of common knowledge just to make fun of people. She put the glass down and leaned over, resting an elbow on his shoulder. Then she softly started to blow in his ear.
He turned to face her with a blank expression, surprised by her sudden gesture, as well as the rest of the people that caught her movement.
"Ugly?"
At that she shrugged and turned to her sake.
"Just checking."
She had no idea when she started to drink sake as if it was water but the voices continued to come and go. There was Kurenai asking something, Naruto showing off, Shikamaru sighing, Ino giggling, Anko making a sharp remark, Naruto buzzing some more and Yamato saying something about being 'proud of working with his Sempai's team'
"Pffff!!! Pathetic!" Sakura was sure that if her glass hadn't been half empty she would have choked for speaking into it.
For a moment the table fell quiet but since Sakura wasn't facing them, if not staring at something on her right, they assumed that her reaction was related with something happening somewhere else in the bar.
Ino hit her in the ball of her foot while smiling at something that Kurenai was saying. And again Sakura rolled her eyes.
There was something really hot growing in her throat.
When she was about to take the glass back in her hand she realized there was no glass in front of her anymore, just a sickly smiling Sai. She wasn't fazed so she tried to find something else to keep her occupied. But lamely failed. Under these circumstances she took Sai's glass and brought it to her lips.
"I felt really honored when Tsunade put me in charge of a team of remarkable students that Kakashi-sempai trained."
This time Sakura did choke very un-ladylike but still managed to laugh until there were tears at the corner of her eyes.
"Ha! Ha! Ha ! That was the most hilarious thing I've heard since that time when Naruto discovered on what premises Sai declared him dick-less! Ha! Ha!" By now Sakura was wiping her tears away.
Ino sighed. This was it. The trigger of Sakura's rage of emotions was pulled by Yamato's words.
"Really funny."
"Ugly, why are you faking your laugher?"
She rolled her eyes at the sincere curiosity in his eyes.
"I was not faking. I found it quite amusing."
"It sounded forced to me."
Sakura was about to take another sip when the glass was swept out of her hand.
"Ino, that's mine."
"It's actually mine, Sakura-san."
"That's enough alcohol for you."
Sakura returned to her serious voice. "I can handle my alcohol just fine."
"Sakura-san, there's no need to get harsh. And I really meant what I said before."
Ino watched jaw dropped at Yamato. She couldn't believe that he was actually provoking her. She was trying to cover up and set Sakura's mind on something else and he… it was almost as if he was doing it on porpoise. Things were so off tonight. And Sakura snickered darkly while taking the glass from her hand.
"I always admired you for your faked naivety. And I seriously hope that it is indeed a well-faked naivety or I'll have to pity you." The table didn't know how to react to this change of tonalities. Ino wanted to stop Sakura but with a single glance at Kakashi she felt how anger was taking over her too. The man barely glanced once or twice from his book even when the insults were thrown. Well, everyone was a little bit confused to decide if the insults were real or just a joke. But Ino knew better when Sakura continued to speak in her glass.
"If it is the latter you have been laughed at by two people. Tsunade by taking you by a fool and Kakashi for taking you for granted. Someone really knew where to place his burdens and move on." She put the empty glass down.
At this Kakashi finally lowered his book and stared at the ashtray for some answers as if he had just realized what the conversation was about.
"Now, now Sakura." Yamato scratched his nape in a sheepish gesture not too different from Naruto's. "You must have misunderstood my words. I wasn't referring at Kakashi's contribution. I was barely considering the members of the team."
Ino could not believe her ears. Were both of them, Yamato and Sakura, mocking the copy nin? For her, who know what all this was about it was hard no to realize the implication of their words.
Every spark of amusement faded from the green-eyed woman aura and for the first time she looked in the eyes one of the people from the table – Yamato.
For a moment she simply stared at him with hard and hateful eyes.
"Some team he left behind."
For the majority of the ones seated at the table this dreadful tone of the usual cheerful and optimistic pink haired woman was new and shocking and Yamato wondered if even Kakashi had ever heard it.
"Tell me one thing Tenzou."
Hearing his true name slip so casually through her lips took him off guard. Not even once had he mention his name to her and he bet that only Kakashi knew it – a side glance to the said man and he didn't like the rigid expression of his face, book long forgotten. But then again this was Sakura. Tenzou knew her well enough to realize that as the Hokage's apprentice she took the liberty of finding the answers of her questions in her own way, when no one was answering. And fearing of what was about to happen, something that he had deliberately caused, he hoped that his own name would make the others believe that it was the sake talking for her.
"One power-obsessed traitor at that time, an emotionally handicapped replacement, a kyuubi container, which by the way was the only reason why you have been assigned to the team, and a useless third member of something - I don't call that a team; I call that leftovers, but then again is up to you to call it whatever you want."
Naruto slammed his hands in the table so hard that half of the bar eyed them now.
"Sakura-chan how can you say something like that about us?!"
And totally opposed to the blonde's explosion Sai stared at no one in particular and continued. "I guess that makes me the 'emotionally handicapped replacement' then."
Sakura was one of the few from the table that didn't jump in surprise at Naruto's outburst and looked at him clearly and emotionless before turning her attention to Yamato.
"But stop covering up someone else's failures and cowardice. It makes me throw up."
Sakura's cheeks were red as fire but no matter if how much Ino wanted to believe it was because of the alcohol, she knew that the woman was perfectly aware of each and every word she was spitting thorough her teeth.
She watched her getting up slowly and pulling some money and pushing on the table, calm and again with the same exhausted expression on her face.
"No one asked you to treat us as a team. No one considered even thinking of it that way. I can assure you that shishou never did." She was looking at the empty glasses and the drops of sake glistering on the surface of the table. "Though I can't help admiring you. Because from the beginning you did something that I always looked up and expected form someone else during my whole childhood. In your gauche way, you still managed to keep me, Naruto and Sai from falling apart."
She stepped from the table and gave a little bow. "Have a nice night."
When she was steps away the table was in an awkward silence.
"Ha, ha….Yamato-san, please don't listen to all that Forhead said… I tried to stop her from drinking but I guess I did a poor job. Let me get her back so she can give her proper excuses."
Ino was already on her feet when Yamato filled his glass again.
"Please let her go Yamanaka-san. She'll just bark at you to leave her alone and go back to the table." He smiled knowingly and sipped from his drink.
Sakura refused to even glance at Kakashi. She felt his powerful gaze on her. It was the first time in years that he looked at her so intense as if really acknowledging her presence.
She stormed outside of the bar and into the night. Serves him right! She hoped that he was feeling awful because that's how she felt for years every time she looked at him. She knew that all the things she said she didn't mean them, and knew that they were only half true. But to her…that's how she felt for ten fucking years. That's the pain that consumed her when he looked away. She had been so unfair with him tonight…but can two minutes compare to what he had done to her?
-
God damn you Kakashi, had it been that hard for you to see me? Was it really necessary to involve pain just to look my way? And why the hell am I crying? I had the peace that I always wanted in my life. Why did I had to go and throw it all away for you?
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