Hello,
I'm Renée, I'm writing two fanfictions at the same time. I must warn you, before you read this. This fanfiction has dark themes, self harm, violence and abusing. And some more I forgot. I came up with this a few hours ago and I wanted to try a different way of writing, I hope you like it...that's not the right word, because this is a very sad story uhm I hope you find his entertaining. I find Blaine an interesting character, I want to know about his past and I have several theories about his life before he met Kurt.
Kurt is present in this story, I think he will appear in the second or the third chapter.
I decided to write this story, because I couldn't find one fanfiction with self harm, maybe I didn't look good enough...

Anways I don't own Glee and the Keep Holding On.

Chapter one: The First Time

This is a story about a boy, his name was Blaine Anderson. This boy didn't have a nice childhood, he lived a miserable life, he hated himself. Blaine was differed from the 'normal' boys of his age, he was homosexual, he lived in Westerville, Ohio. People didn't accept him, most people don't understand why people were homosexual, Blaine wondered every single day of his life why he was gay, had he done something to deserve this?

The bullying, the hatred, the name calling, it hurt him a lot, every story has a beginning and that's where this story starts. Blaine had been bullied all his life, he had never known why, he didn't understand it, people called him 'fag', he didn't know what this word meant when he was younger.

His bullies started calling him like that when he was twelve years old, he asked his dad what a fag was, his dad didn't respond very nice. Bill Anderson told Blaine that people who were a fag were wrong and they chose to be different, they had chosen for this lifestyle and they needed to be punished for it. Blaine didn't understand, what did those people wrong he asked his father, his father said that fag people decided to have a relationship with someone of the same gender, it was disgusting his father had told him.

Blaine found it odd, you couldn't have a relationship with someone of the same gender, right? How would you be able to get babies then? The little boy didn't have a long time to think about it that time, his father asked him why Blaine wanted to know what a fag was. Blaine answered honestly that those kids in his class had called him like that.

That was the first time his father had hit him and told him that he better not choose to be a fag, Blaine nodded and ran away. He had cried all day in the bush behind his school, that was the place he always hid when he was scared or upset. His belly hurt a lot, his father had hit him there. Blaine decided that he didn't had fags, although he didn't want to be like that, his father would probably hate him.

One year later Blaine was fourteen years old, those guys were still bullying him, Blaine didn't have any friends, only his dog, his name was Jeff, he loved Jeff he was the only one he could tell him everything and wouldn't judge him. That's why Blaine loved Jeff so much, Blaine and Jeff were best friends.

Blaine went to school that day, he started to realize that he was homosexual, he didn't tend to look at the girls in his class, instead he always looked at the boys. The bullying was a lot worse than last year, his bullies beat him up twice a week, it was like clockwork. After school on Monday and Wednesday, they would beat him up until he was bleeding and couldn't walk anymore. Blaine hated himself, he knew he deserved those things, but he knew his dad had been wrong about one thing. You didn't chose to be homosexual.

Blaine went home that day, and this was the first time his parents noticed that he was beaten up, he could barely walk, he had a large cut above his left eyebrow, his right eye was swollen and there were several bruises on his body. His mother and father asked why he was beaten up.

This was the first time that Blaine had told anybody (besides Jeff) that he was gay, he hoped his parents would understand, they didn't. His mother had looked at him with a expression of disgust on her face, his father was in a rage. He had beaten Blaine up, this was the second time that day. Blaine had learned to zone himself out when he was beaten up.

Bill Anderson had left Blaine lying unconscious on the floor of the living room, after a few hours Blaine regained his consciousness and managed to walk himself up to his room. Jeff was in his room, waiting for him like he always did. Jeff licked his face as they sat down on Blaine's bed, Blaine cried for a long time and Jeff curled up in Blaine's lap. Blaine knew he deserved this, but it was unfair. He wondered why he was gay, he wondered how his life would be, he didn't know someone who was like him. He hoped he could meet someone like him some day.

The next day Blaine woke up, everything hurt, his body ached, his face was covered in bruises and he wanted to die, this was the first time in his life that Blaine wanted to die. He didn't think of suicide, he had a reason to fight, he wanted to prove his dad wrong, that he wasn't disgusting. He also wanted to fight because of Jeff, his dog gave him the courage to go on and never give up.

All the boy wanted was acceptance, he hoped that his parents wouldn't mind if he was gay or not. He hoped that people at his school wouldn't bully him anymore. Tears flowed, Blaine let them go, he was supposed to play games and have fun with the other guys like any other kid of his age, he hated that too.

Blaine hated a lot of things in his life, the teachers even bullied him, they gave him low grades and ignored him. Blaine had no one.

Blaine wanted to get rid of all those feelings, he wanted to end it, he heard that cutting relieved those feelings. So he tried cutting himself. The boy entered the shower, his hands were shaking, he was holding a small knife from the kitchen and slowly cut himself. Blaine felt the knife cut in his left arm, he didn't cut too deep, he didn't want to kill himself. As the knife cut in his arm Blaine felt instantly better, he decided to make vertical stripes, that was the easiest way to cut himself.

This was the first time Blaine had cut himself, and definitely not the last.

When he left the shower his arm was still bleeding a little, he held an tissue on his cut. He dressed up, he felt way less miserable now. He had hurt himself, his father and those bullies couldn't do that, he had power over his own body, he had the right to decide what he did to it. From that day Blaine always wore long sleeved t-shirt, the boy started cutting himself often. He cut himself when he felt extremely bad, or when he felt like doing it.

Two months later Jeff passed away, Blaine was broken, his old faithful friend, his only friend had died. Jeff died in a car accident when Alexandra Anderson was walking with him outside, Blaine was at school when it had happened. Blaine had cried weeks and he started to cut himself more often, once he nearly cut too deep and passed out, but he managed to stop the bleeding and stay conscious.

Blaine had never been more lonely in his life, he needed someone, he missed Jeff. It took the poor boy a long time to get over it, he knew that Jeff would never leave him, he would stay in his heart.

If you say that it's stupid that Blaine was so upset about Jeff, you are wrong. Jeff was Blaine's only friend, he was one of the reasons Blaine wanted to keep fighting. Nobody would never understand how much Blaine loved the dog.

Time passed by and when Blaine turned fifteen years old he transferred to a private school called Dalton Academy, his father had sent him there, because he could board there so he wouldn't have to go home every day. Blaine happily agreed and he left his school, he still cut himself two times a week. Blaine didn't admit it, he was addicted to cutting himself, he couldn't stop and honestly, he didn't see the reason to stop.

Blaine decided that he wanted to make a fresh start, he wouldn't tell anybody that he was gay. On his first day Blaine entered his room, he had no roommate, he didn't mind that. When the boy was silently unpacking his stuff somebody knocked on the door, two boys entered, one Asian and one black skinned. They smiled at him "I'm Wes, this is David. Need a hand?" The Asian boy called Wes said, Blaine stared in surprise at the two boys. This was the first time that someone was nice to him.

"I...am..Blaine...That'd be nice." Blaine stuttered, he blushed slightly and started at the boys before him "Don't be shy, we won't hurt you." David said, Blaine noticed they were staring at his face, his dad had punched him a few days ago, his face was covered in bruises. David and Wes didn't ask Blaine what had happened to him, the boy was grateful for that. They unpacked his stuff in silence, Wes had put on the radio and started singing along with it. David did too, Blaine wanted to sing too, he liked music.

Blaine softly started singing along, David and Wes just smiled at him, the song Keep Holding On came on and Blaine wanted to cry. He stopped singing, his throat tightened, tears stung in his eyes. This song he always sang in his room, when he and Jeff were playing, this had been their song. David and Wes stared at him in concern "Hey, are you alright?" Wes asked, he wrapped his arm around Blaine's shoulder, the boy flinched and started to cry.

This is when Blaine made his first friends, Wes and David were from that moment his best friends, Blaine told them what happened to him at school, he had even told them he was gay, he told them about Jeff, although he didn't tell him about what his father did to him and the cutting. David and Wes were there for him, they reassured him he was safe at Dalton. Nobody minded that Blaine was gay, that made him cry more, he was accepted, he made friends. This place felt like a safe haven for him, he never wanted to leave again.

After a long time of David and Wes begging Blaine to audition for the Warbler he gave in, the boy was super nervous, but he thought of Jeff, that gave him the courage to audition for the Warblers. He sang the song Keep Holding On, Blaine may or may not have cried during the performance, all the boys had cheered for him when he ended the song, some of them even hugged him. Blaine became part of the Warblers, he became friends with a few boys of the Warblers, a boy named Thad, Nick and the blonde boy who had hugged him named Jeff. Blaine was upset when he found of the name of his fellow Warbler, but he got over it and he liked Jeff a lot. Not romantically.

Blaine was still cutting himself, less than before, but still too much. He cut himself three times a week now, and sometimes more, but that was after one of those nightmares. The nightmares were always exactly the same, this is what happened.

Blaine walked in his old school, he passed the hallway where he was beaten up very badly once, he hadn't been able to walk for one day after that one. Every time when he would pass that hallway, he paralysed, he couldn't walk anymore. His feet were glued to the floor or something. His old bullies and classmates appeared out of nowhere and started calling names. They would say that it was all his fault, that Jeff had died, that his parents hated him, that he was gay. They told him that he deserved to be beaten up, he didn't deserve to live. One of his bullies would start kicking Blaine, the boy would scream for help, but nobody ever wanted to help him, he was alone.

What scared Blaine the most of those nightmares where the details, his nightmares were rather detailed, he could recognize every single one of his old classmates, he could always remember what had happened in the nightmare. That's why Blaine cut himself when he had a nightmare, his left arm was covered in little scars, he tell the old and the new ones apart. Blaine didn't hate the scars, he liked them. It reminded him what he had gone through, scar weren't ugly, they were beautiful. They showed people what happened in your life, each scar told a story.

Of course Blaine didn't reveal the scars on his left arm to his friends on Dalton. Blaine was doing his homework when Wes entered the room, Blaine said "Hey, what can I do for you?" Wes looked at him in concern and asked "Blaine, can we talk?" Blaine nodded and turned around to face Wes.

"I have heard you screaming for help several times now, I assume you are having nightmares...are you alright?" Wes asked, Blaine blushed furiously and was suddenly fascinated by the floor, he hadn't known that he had been screaming, he always yelled in his dream for help, but no one heard him, well somebody did, but that wasn't in his nightmare. "I have been having nightmares all my life...I'm sorry that I wake you in the middle of the night." Blaine whispered, Wes hugged Blaine, for a long time, he didn't say anything, he just hugged.

It was the first time Blaine had told somebody he was terrorized in his dreams by his old tormentors.

I hope you enjoyed chapter one,
My way of writing this might suck a lot, I just wanted to try it out ;D
I love you for reading this. I hope you don't hate it and will stick with me till the end.