Disclaimer: we do not own this.
Also, this is not to be taken seriously. It's a crackfic from start to finish. And features Hagrid riding a segway. If that caught your interest then read on :D
"Are you serious?" Harry asked, looking at his freckled friend as though he were mad. Or drunk. Maybe both. You can never tell with those gingers.
"Yeah," Ron said, leaning in surreptitiously. Harry found himself too, leaning in and he was hit with a strange sense of de ja vu...gay chicken at the last quidditch party was all to fresh in his mind.
"I heard it last night. This...odd humming noise. Like...a motor. It...," he began to whisper, presumedly so none of the younger years in the common room could hear. Or he might just like to whisper...you can never tell with those gingers.
"...it seemed to be coming from..." his voice dropped an octave, and Harry had to strain his ears, and face, to hear it.
"...Hagrid's hut,"
...
"Is that it?" Harry asked, leaning back. Ron looked offended.
"What do you mean 'is that it?' It's a mystery! That's what we do, solve mysteries!"
"...you make us sound like Scooby Doo..." Harry whispered.
"What," Ron blinked. Harry shook his head.
"Never mind, just a show about a dog,"
"A show? Dog?" If it were possible, Ron became even more confused.
"Yeah, they solved mysteries with a talking dog," Harry attempted to explain. Ron blinked...again.
"What's this about a dog?" a voice asked them. They looked up to see Hermione, book in hand, gazing quizzically at them.
"It doesn't matter," Harry sighed.
"What does matter..." Ron used this moment to interrupt "Is the mysterious humming noise coming from Hagrid's hut,"
Hermione raised an eyebrow at Harry as though to say 'are you serious'. Hermione raised her eyebrows very frequently. Harry wondered if one day the eyebrows would rise, like the sun in the east , but never come down, trapped forever in the sky that was her bushy hair.
"Harry are you even listening?" Hermione snapped.
No Hermione I was too busy fantasizing about your eyebrows...
"Yes," he said sheepishly. Hermione looked suspiciously at the boy who never seemed to die, but continued none the less.
"As I was saying, you know as well as I do that Ron will never stop talking unless we go 'discover'" she bunny quoted the word "what is making this ridiculous humming noise,"
"Near Hagrid's cabin" Ron piped up.
"Near Hagrid's cabin," Hermione repeated, rolling her eyes. Harry smirked inwardly.
Finally. An adventure only five minutes from his whereabouts! He'd had enough of trecking across the country like last time. Who cared about Horcrux's anyway, his shoes got dirty! Here was an adventure that they could solve and be home in time for deal or no deal. Oh Noel...why couldn't Horcrux's be in one of THOSE boxes. Caves are cold and...
"HARRY,"
"I'm listening, yes, of course I am...to my inner thought that is hehe,"
"...you realise we can still hear you...right?"
"...they can hear me? Noel? Are you there?"
Hermione and Ron shared a look. Yes he was the boy who lived but that didn't mean he was sane. Or clever. Or anything really.
"Team Golden Gryffindor go go go!" they put their hands together forming a triangle of love and power the punched the air, glitter falling around them, framing their beautiful faces in...glitter.
"Hey guys! It's me Neville," said Neville, appearing from behind the sofa "remember when I came on that adventure with you guys?"
"...do we know you?" Ron asked, absently mindedly dancing.
"yeah! Come on you guys, I was there at the Ministry of Magic with the death and the dying and the blood and the oh god the nightmares...I have them everynight...but I get through them knowing I have friends like you," Neville looked at the Golden Trio with love and affection.
"Uh...yeah Neville. We're gonna play a game now. It's called who can hide under the sofa for the longest!"
"I can! I can!" Neville said raising his hand. Harry clapped him on the shoulder.
"That's my boy. One day you'll be a man," Harry said, wiping a tear from his eye. Neville glowed with pride and the three floated out the common room.
"That's him sorted," he said as they walked through the great corridor into the great hall and past the great stairs, into the great garden where Hagrid's hut lay.
"Shhhhhh," Ron whispered (there he goes again with that whispering...Harry began to wonder whether Molly Weasley...seemingly innocent, had beaten the boy had he raised his voice above 20 decibels...bless his ginger soul)
"I hear it," he continued quietly. Harry's ears twitched like a house elf's.
"I hear it too!" Harry exclaimed, before hugging his friend "Oh Ron...you were right, for once you were right!"
"Would you guys shut up!" Hermione stage whispered. Indeed the sound was gathering momentum, getting louder...and closer. A strange humming noise, never heard before in the wizarding realm.
The gathered close as...the horrible sight, a sight that should never be seen by human eyes, or avian, a sight which scarred Harry for the rest of his life. Every night he awoke to the image of...
Hagrid riding a segway.
"Oh my GOOOOOODDDD," Harry cried, rubbing his eyes to stem the bleeding. The giant was gliding across the grounds on...what could only be described as...a segway. Because...er...it was asegway. Hagrid seemed to be channelling the spirit of the mall cop as he drifted past effortlessly at 14 mph.
"Ha...Hagrid!" Hermione shrieked pointing. Her hair became bushier (yes...it were possible) and Harry watched in amazement as the eyebrows practically began to hibernate.
"Aye, it is me. Hagrid," he said, leaping off the machine which continued to move, peering over his darkened shades.
"Hagrid...what? What are you doing? And why are you talking like a pirate?" Harry asked.
"Argh, well ya see my boy, I took the theory test on Wednesday, passed the practical on Thursday and bought this bad boy yesterday," Hagrid said, stroking the machine tenderly.
"But Hagrid..." Hermione asked, about to continue. Hagrid sighed.
"Sigh. You're going to ask how it's working, a muggle machine, in Hogwarts, when it shouldn't and you're about to quote something from Hogwarts..A History,"
"...actually I was going to say...Segways are illegal in the UK," she said sadly. Hagrid gasped.
"What? Are you saying I'm" his eyes narrowed "breaking the law,"
"Well, muggle law but..." Hermione began.
"I am a felon!" Hagrid cried, grasping his bosom and howling in pain.
"That's never stopped you before," Ron pointed out. Hagrid stroked his beard.
"Aye, that be true. But only wizarding laws mind you, not the law set by our Queen and county, god bless her!" he began to sing the national anthem in falsetto, oblivious to Ron's 'We have a Queen?' comments.
"Hagrid...you sounded like Mika!" Hermione gasped.
The end.
Next episode: Nevillexplant. "I swear Neville's been spending allot of time alone...in his room. But he always brings the plant!