Disclaimer: Neither SVU nor John Munch belong to me but if they don't want Munch anymore, I'll take him.
A/N: Special thanks to texamedic3 for betaing.
I want so badly to give in. To give in to this indescribable feeling of pain. Who can say, except those who have been subjected to it before. Even they are gone now, or unknown to me. Unable to help, to associate with this, whatever it may be.
I still wait for your return. I cannot help myself. The pain of having lost you is so horrible...I'm afraid of myself sometimes. The occasional bouts of melancholy have become a frequent occurrence, especially in the dark of night, when I am left to my own devices.
They try so hard to understand, to grasp what I'm going through. And though they say they understand; they don't. They never will, until they too, become victims to this inhuman pain. I must say though, that I do not wish this upon anybody.Especially them, even if it was only to help me feel better, I wouldn't wish it upon them. They deserve better than this horror and I can only hope I'll leave this mortal sphere soon.
Sometimes, as I lay in that empty bed, and it seems so big without you there, I wonder what it would have been like. What it would have been like to be with you, instead of with myself and this...this...whatever the hell it is.
I sometimes say that I would have gladly given my life for you to be here stillBut then, you would be the one subject to that torture and that would be as bad as now. Perhaps even worse because that would mean both of us would be in this hell.
I know I'm not supposed to believe in hell, but then what else is there to describe this immense misery that resonates within me. Through me?
I believe in nothing, that's what.
Every once in a while, I feel the desire to join you, so strongly that I actually take my gun out of it's holster and stare at it, wondering if it would hurt, wondering if you could ever forgive me for stooping to that level to be with you.
I also remind myself that I am not my father. His demons cannot haunt me, for I possess my own and though they may seem far worse than his, I cannot let myself succumb to them. I have you and the wait I must endure, the pain I must endure, will be worth it. Though I still wonder...
How could I not?
You were the one that freed my soul, the one that let me believe again. Or rather, the one that let me see my beliefs were true. You freed me from one pain, only to lead me into another, unwillingly and unintentionally. It was one of those things that just happened.
It just happened.
No way to stop it.
God damn it! No way to stop it!