It all started as a small moment of comfort. It hadn't been planned by either of us. At least, I'm pretty sure he hadn't planned it. Perhaps I should begin by saying that I am a very affectionate person by nature. I always have been. And Nick, well, he's always been tactile. That much is obvious to any and all who know him. It probably stems from the fact that he has such a large and loving family. But I digress.
Warrick, Nick and I were out having a few drinks after shift. Tina called about two hours in and of course, Warrick had to bail. I'd had a few, admittedly, but nowhere near as much as Nick had. I don't know what happened today, but he was in pretty bad shape. We were working separate cases, but after seeing him looking so… defeated, I didn't have the heart to ask after it. Instead I let him drink and tried my best to distract him. After all, it was the least I could do. We talked about lots of things, but nothing of any real substance. We talked football and movies, and random odd moments or little weird stories from work.
After a time, it became nearly impossible to have any conversation with him, though. I don't really know how to describe it. It was like he started shutting down. Slowly, his comments got shorter and shorter until he only grunted out an answer. So, I did what I do best. I babbled. I talked to him about my mom, about the last date I'd been on, about anything and everything really. I even told him about the time I threw up all over the girl I liked when I was fifteen. I don't know how long I talked for. But I do know that the waitress came over and told me he'd had enough. I nodded and dropped a few bills on the table, before standing. "C'mon, Nick. Time to go."
Another grunt was all that I received in reply, but he got up and followed me out the door so I wasn't complaining. We headed out into the parking lot, and before he could try to move towards his car, I snagged his sleeve, and gently pulled him towards mine. "Not a chance, my friend. You aren't driving anywhere. I'll give you a lift, alright?" Again, he didn't really reply. He just made some non-committal sound and followed obediently. Something told me he wasn't done drinking tonight, and honestly, I didn't think he should be alone. So, instead of driving towards his house, I headed to mine.
He didn't seem very surprised when we pulled up, or maybe he just didn't really care. I got out of the car and turned to round the vehicle while Nick stumbled out. He tripped over his own feet but caught himself at the last second. I sighed and offered to help him. He merely shook his head and continued on towards my door. He made himself at home in less then no time, kicking off his shoes and sprawling over my couch while surfing through the TV channels for something to watch. I went and grabbed us a couple of beers and headed back out into the living room.
He smiled at me when I handed it to him, catching me off guard. He hadn't smiled once all night. I let out a sigh of relief, so very glad to see the familiar expression on my friends face. He had a nice smile. The kind that you just couldn't help but return. It was just infectious. And so, of course, I smiled back. With a small chuckle, I nudged his foot with my knee to make room on the couch. "Here for two minutes and you're already trying to take over." He shrugged and took a sip from his bottle.
I shook my head, amused. Things were quiet for some time after that, the silence only broken by short barks of laughter, the quiet chatter from the TV, or the sound of another beer being opened. The coffee table was littered with empties in what felt like no time at all. I wasn't exactly holding back now, since I wasn't going to be driving anymore this night. I don't know what time it was when he suddenly turned the TV off. It didn't really matter though. We were both off tomorrow. No, what did matter was that he'd started talking. Now, being the wise man that I am, I kept my mouth shut. For once.
"You ever just have one of those days where it's all too much? When everything is just pilling up on top of you and you can't breathe? I just… I feel so helpless sometimes. Like no matter how hard I try, I'm just a little too slow. Just one step behind some sick son of a bitch, and someone else ends up paying the price." He kept his eyes glued to his hands, but didn't stop speaking. "Sometimes I wonder why I even try. I can't seem to keep it together... I can't save these people. How can I, when I can't even help myself? I still have nightmares, you know. Almost every night. The bites are gone but every time I wake up I feel them crawling all over me. Can't use an elevator. For fuck's sake, I can't even sleep with out a light on. How pathetic is that, man?"
He still hadn't looked up, but he seemed to be waiting for me to speak. I frowned and silently stood, retrieving another couple of beers from the fridge and handing him one upon my return. Then I sighed and sat down before taking a long swig responding. "It's not pathetic." A bitter laugh met my words and I frowned further, holding the cold glass bottle just a little tighter. "It's not, Nick. Believe me… I… Jesus. I'm terrified of going anywhere alone… Did you know that? I keep thinking someone is following me, that there's someone waiting around every corner. I have four different locks on my front door, dude." I lifted my hand towards said door, to illustrate my point. Nearly spilling my beer in the process.
"I haven't been to a bar or a club, or hell even to the diner by myself. Not once. Not since that day. So you know what? If you're pathetic, then I am the fucking king of pathetic. Alright?" He blinked, wide eyed. Apparently, he wasn't expecting my admission. Truth be told, I hadn't meant to tell him that much. I hadn't told anyone, because it was stupid. A grown man scared of every little shadow. So paranoid that he can't even go out to breakfast by himself. That wasn't me. No. Greg Sanders was the oddball. The happy go lucky guy. The one that always had a joke or a story. Not the sad, scared little boy that I felt like every single day. I kicked a leg of the table in frustration, but not at my guest, no. At myself… Because I wasn't prepared to show my demons to anybody, least of all, Nick.
It was at this point that I had to set my beer down. My stupid fucking hands were shaking. God damned nerves. I didn't want to risk dropping it, and I was hoping against all hope that he didn't notice. It seemed that he hadn't, thank the gods, because he was back to staring at his own hands. When he spoke again, his voice was just… defeated. It was just so wrong. Nick Stokes should never ever sound like that. "How do you deal with it? I just, I can't…" He trailed off. Whether it was because he didn't know what to say or because he couldn't say it, I had no idea. But I answered anyways. "I take it day by day. After all, it can't rain all the time. Things have to get better eventually."
He nodded to himself and leaned back against the couch, scrubbing his face with his hands. I glanced away, knowing that he wouldn't want me to see him cry. Not that he was, but it seemed he'd been close. After a few minutes, he sighed and pulled his hands away, resting his head against the back of the couch and staring up at the ceiling. "I'm beat, can I grab a pillow or something?" I knew he was changing the subject on purpose. He probably realized just how much he'd opened up. I really don't think he meant to say all of that, especially to me. This was Warrick's department, not mine. I wasn't the best friend. I was just the CSI wannabe. It still stung, when I thought of that particular day.
I shook the memory off and stood. Two and a half minutes later, I'd handed Nick a pillow and a sheet and bid him goodnight. I was just outside my bedroom door when I lifted my hand to turn the hall light off, out of habit. But, then I curled my fingers into my palm and lowered my hand without sparing a glance to the living room. I was almost certain he saw my action, but I didn't really care. I knew, probably better then anyone, what it was like to be afraid of the dark. I changed into my favorite sweat pants and crawled into bed, lost in my thoughts. Nick had always been so strong… so dependable. It was hard to think that he would be scared of anything. The frown never left my face, even as I slipped into sleep.
I awoke to the sound of someone screaming. Bolting upright in bed I glanced around and reached for my standard issue glock, which I kept on my nightstand. Two seconds later, I was on my feet and in the living room as fast as my legs could carry me. Nick was kicking wildly in his sleep, scratching and clawing at his arms, chest and face. Setting the gun down on the table, I knelt beside him and took hold of his wrists before trying to wake him. "Nick! Nicky!" His eyes opened wide as he screamed one last time. My hands around his wrists were the only thing that stopped him from taking a swing at me. Though he'd definitely tried.
A moment later he was shaking, but he'd given up any sort of struggle against my hold. Actually, he surprised me by doing the exact opposite. My hands were suddenly pinned behind my back, his arms wrapped securely around my waist. He was still trembling, and it took me a moment to realize that all I had to do was release my hold on him in order to free myself. But I was just so shocked. He'd buried his head in the crook of my shoulder by this point, his heavy breathing causing gooseflesh to rise on my skin. I wrapped my arms around him lightly, momentarily unsure of how to proceed.
I'd never comforted someone after a nightmare before. That being said, I'd had my own fair share of them, and if I'd had someone there when I woke up, I know what I'd want. What I'd need. So, tossing any awkward feelings aside, I held him tight, pulling him closer and rubbed his back gently. Nibbling my lip lightly before whispering in what I hoped to be a soft, soothing tone. "Shhh… It's over Nicky. You're fine. Everything's alright… I… I'm right here." I wasn't prepared for his quiet reply, nor was I expecting the way he clung to me. "I'm fine… Everything is fine..." I knew he wasn't speaking to me, but rather himself, so I didn't feel the need to respond. Instead, I continued to hold him silently.
We stayed that way for a very long time. Exactly how long, I'd never know. But that was fine. It took a great deal of time before he stopped shaking, and even longer before his fingers loosened their hold on me. Still, I didn't mind. I was content to stay there as long as he needed me to. Sometimes you just need someone there, even if only for silent comfort. So, when he finally did let go, I remained silent and sat beside him while he settled back down and fell asleep once more.
I sat there watching him, totally unable to reconcile the fact that this strong, and fully capable man could be so incredibly vulnerable. In that moment, I wanted nothing more then to protect him, to keep him safe. But that wasn't right. He is more then able to care for himself. I know that. Still, as I traced his cheek I couldn't stop the warm feeling floating around in my gut. Nor could I stop the tiny sad smile from forming on my lips. With a small reluctant sigh, I finally moved to stand, but was stopped by the light gentle pressure of fingers curled around my wrist. His eyes were still closed, and his breathing was even… but he must have been awake. I sat back down with another sigh and resigned myself to staying put.
My eyes opened several hours later. There was a sharp pain in my neck, and I groaned as I attempted to stretch it out. But, a foreign weight on my left side that prevented it. Rubbing my eyes with my right hand, I glanced down, only to see Nick curled up right next to me. He looked so peaceful in his sleep. Younger too. Like the weight of the world around him simply couldn't touch him. Couldn't hide his beauty, either. A blush that I couldn't explain rushed to my cheeks as I gently disentangled our limbs and stood. Coffee would fix things, it always did. So, pushing that odd feeling and my blush aside, I made my way to the kitchen and brewed a fresh pot.
I suppose that the smell of it was what finally roused him. He stumbled into the kitchen rubbing his eyes and grunted groggily. I hid my smile behind my cup, it was just way too adorable to ignore. I handed him the cup I'd prepared for him, and sat down at the kitchen table in silence. It was nice. Sitting with him while we drank what I believed to be nectar of the gods. In its purest form, of course. Then, he finished his cup and smiled at me. "Thank you." I wasn't sure if it was the coffee or everything else that he was thanking me for, but it didn't really matter. I just smiled and dropped a friendly hand on his shoulder when I rounded the table.
"Anytime, Nicky. Anytime." His smile broadened momentarily before he glanced at the clock. A few minutes and a small explanation later, he was gone. After all, he did have to go and retrieve his car. I sat alone in my kitchen staring at his empty cup. Just what the hell happened last night? I can't believe I told him how much of a wuss I am. Just how moronic can a person get? I don't think he'll tell anyone. That's just not Nicky's style. But still, he knew now. It wasn't my secret anymore. As scary as the thought was, it was also sort of… nice. Someone else knew. And he didn't laugh at me for it. He didn't say I was stupid, or strange.
That odd yet warm feeling was back. Swirling in the pit of my stomach. I pushed it aside yet again, unwilling to deal with anything else at the moment. I'd think about it later. When I didn't have a headache and a crick in my neck. The rest of the day was spent in solitude. I sat around and watched TV. Of course, there wasn't anything good on, but I didn't want to go anywhere, and there was nothing to do anyway. So I just lazed about.
The rest of the week went in much the same fashion, without any real incident. Monday turned into Tuesday. So on and so forth. Thursday night rolled around faster then I would have liked. The case was a straightforward suicide. A teenaged girl had died. Her mother found her in the bathtub. She'd slit her wrists. Which was fairly common for her age group, honestly. I shook my head sadly when I'd finished collecting the evidence and gathered my kit. The ride back to the lab was silent, Sara already starting on the paperwork while I drove. Nothing out of the ordinary there, no. It wasn't until we'd returned to the lab and I'd entered the break room that something… well, odd happened.
I was just about to pour myself a fresh cup of my precious Blue Hawaiian when a pair of strong tan arms pulled me into an entirely unexpected hug, warmth seeping into my back. I blinked, totally stunned, but then said arms were gone almost as fast as they'd appeared. My eyes focused just in time to see Nick's back disappear through the door. Arching a curious brow, I frowned and took a sip. Fifteen minutes later, I still had nothing. Why would he do that? It wasn't typical Stokes behavior, that's for sure. I've never even seen him hug Warrick. Sure he touched people a lot, but actually hug? Not so much.
I finished my cup and the rest of shift without seeing him again in the lab. He'd had a double homicide to take care of. He was probably going to put in some overtime. So, it came as another small shock to see him in the parking lot as I made my way to my car. It seemed he'd forgotten something in his truck. He didn't say anything to me, choosing to smile and wave as I departed, instead. I frowned while I drove home, trying to figure things out. Still, I came up with nothing. Shrugging to myself, I decided to let it go. It was odd, but nothing too out there.
Another week and a half went by. And though the incident in the break room still popped into my thoughts every so often, it was all but forgotten. Until it happened again… It was in the locker room this time. It had been empty and I was just leaving for the night. I'd paused to lean my forehead against the cool lockers. Tonight had been hard and I was tired. A drive by had killed two people who'd only been caught in the crossfire. One was an elderly man, the other a pregnant woman. Worse yet, they'd been father and daughter. Simply put, they'd been at the wrong place at the wrong time. Now they'd never open their eyes again. And the unborn child would never have a chance at life.
Shit like this really bothered me. The fucked up things people do to one another… Why? What's the point? It never made any sense to me. I guess it never will. I reached out and blindly closed my locker, which was to my left, before turning to leave. A strong, firm chest and warm arms stopped me in my tracks. When the hell had he gotten here? Why hadn't I heard him coming? I closed my eyes and hugged back without even thinking. It was just… so damn nice. And, fuck… I didn't want to admit it, but I kind of needed it. We stayed like that for a minute, maybe longer, before he pulled back. I didn't want him to leave, but I thought it'd be weird to say so, so I kept my trap shut.
To my surprise, he didn't leave, though he didn't move to hug me again, either. He just changed in silence. I felt like an idiot, standing there, staring at the floor. It was like I was waiting for something. What exactly that something was, I had no clue. But when he turned after shutting his own locker and lead the way out, I followed. For once, I didn't have to keep checking the parking lot while I headed for my car. I waved goodbye and got in with an odd smile on my face. It wasn't until I'd reached my house that I realized something. It had been over two weeks since I'd had to continuously scan the parking lot before I left work in the morning. Nick had been there… every time. Even when he worked later then I did. Like… Almost like he was…
I stared at my steering wheel for a good while after that. Finally, I decided that I was just tired and that I was running on empty. So I went inside and went to bed. Two days later, on my day off, I awoke to the sound of my cell ringing. I'd been napping, as I hadn't slept in almost two days at that point. And as I glanced at the clock, I realized that my day off had already gone by. It was seven hours until I had to report to work. I furrowed my brow, confused and groggily answered the phone. "Sanders."
There wasn't an immediate response, which threw me off, but before I could open my mouth again, an answer finally came. "…Hey, its Nick. I know its pretty late, and I'm sorry… But I-I just…" He trailed off for a moment, but when he finally continued I found that I knew what he was going to ask before he'd finished. Don't ask me how. It was just a feeling, I guess. "I can't sleep… And I was um…" He paused, and I heard him take a deep breath. "Look, can I crash on your couch?"
I responded quickly, without much thought. "Yeah, sure. It'll be set up by the time you get here." And it was. Let it never be said that Greg Sanders was not a man of his word. His knock sounded just as I'd popped the top off of a beer. I smiled and took a swig as I let him in. The bags under his eyes were so obvious it almost looked like he'd gotten into a fistfight. Instantly, my smile was gone. He looked so very worn out, haggard even. I motioned him inside and took a step closer to look him over. "You look like death warmed over, dude. Are you okay?"
He sighed and rubbed his forehead while I shut the door behind him. "I don't even know anymore. I just can't sleep. Every time I do, I just have another nightmare. I'm sorry… It's just… The last time I slept here is the last time I remember sleeping well... And I…" I blinked in surprise as he dropped a small bag that I hadn't noticed he'd brought. He opened his mouth as if he were going to say something more, but then closed it once again. I just nodded and grabbed his sleeve before rounding the couch and forcing him to sit.
The way his shoulders relaxed when he sat down caught my attention. It was like some weight had been lifted. I wanted to know what that weight was, but I didn't have the courage to inquire. He probably wouldn't tell me, anyway. So, I grabbed a beer for him as well and gave it to him while I finished mine. And then another silence settled in around us. I took a seat on the coffee table, waiting. I knew that once the beer was finished, he'd want to try to sleep, but he might want to talk for a bit first. It seemed I was wrong, though. For he drank quietly and then laid down with a sigh and a tired smile aimed my way. "Thanks, G. Really." I nodded and took the empty beer to the kitchen. "I told you already, Stokes. Anytime." Smiling, I tossed a casual wave over my shoulder before bidding him goodnight and heading to bed. Leaving the hall light on behind me.
I was only in bed for about an hour before the screaming started. I wasn't even the slightest bit surprised this time, though. Not with the way he'd talked earlier. Still didn't stop me from racing through the house as fast as I could. I was at his side in a flash, and I had my arms around him faster still. His hands tried to push me away, to fight me off and even hurt me at first, but when I started speaking he seemed to calm some. "Shhh… It's okay, Nick. Everything's okay… I'm right here." And then he was holding me, I gasped at the way he pulled me close and tucked his head into my neck. Some part of me was expecting it, though. Maybe even anticipating it. I couldn't ignore the way my heart raced. It was almost the same situation as last time. Almost.
Only this time, when he was finally calm and sleeping peacefully in my arms, I didn't try to leave. I curled up with him on my couch and held him close before succumbing to sleep myself. This time when I awoke, Nick was already awake, though he hadn't moved an inch. His eyes locked with mine when I glanced down, and my heart nearly stopped. I hadn't expected this. Truth be told, I hadn't thought any of what I'd done last night through at all. How idiotic can a person get? I ducked my head, trying to hide my blush while I attempted to stand. I say attempted because his arms stayed locked around me, refusing to let go. Then his low sleep laden voice floated up to my ears. "Not yet… We still have some time. Can we just stay like this… for a little while longer?" My first thought was that I was somehow dreaming. My second was that Nick had hit his head or something.
Maybe he was unaware of whom he was speaking to, of exactly whom he was holding. Or maybe he was still so exhausted that he was just that disoriented. But that couldn't be true. There was no way he didn't know who I was. Not when he was looking me square in the eye. Not when he snuggled closer and buried his face in my neck. He seemed to take my silence for compliance. Well, I wasn't going to say no, now was I? Because… Well, just because damn it. I was comfortable, and he was warm… so very warm. My eyelids began to droop of their own accord and I fell into a sort of half sleep, I guess. I never actually passed out, but I wasn't fully awake or alert, either.
I could feel every breath he took, every small shift of his body. The skin of my neck tingled every time he exhaled. His hair smelled nice, and it was a lot softer then I'd expected. Not that I spent any time thinking about what his hair might feel like. Well… maybe once, in passing. When I opened my eyes to glance down at said hair, I let out a small sigh. What the hell was going on here? What exactly are we doing? This just isn't normal, you know? Even if we are good friends, I don't know any other guy friends of mine who acted this way with me. And now that I thought about it, I wouldn't allow myself to be in such a position with any of them, either. Only Nick. Why? I couldn't say.
I mean, it would just feel all sorts of weird, and wrong with someone like 'Rick or Archie or Hodges. This didn't, though. This felt so very nice, and it's been so long since I've even been this close to another person. Work had a way of killing my social life even if I wasn't terrified of going out alone. Plus, I wasn't really feeling the nightlife scene anymore. I think I'm just getting too old for it. Which is sad, because I'm not old. No, not at all, but I am lonely. Maybe that was why I was allowing this… thing with Nick. He understood how hard our job was. How much things can get to you. How dangerous things can be. Yeah, he knew all of that and more. And even though he'd been through so much, he never gave up. Never even thought about quitting, because that's just not who Nick Stokes was.
He was so honest and persistent and kind and determined and damn good at his job. I always did admire him. Not that I'd ever tell him so. That would just be weird, right? Well, weirder, I guess. Did that even matter now, though? Probably not... Not with what has been happening between us. My train of thought came to a screeching halt right then. Just as every muscle in my body went rigid. Gentle, unsure fingers had begun to trace my right arm, from wrist to elbow and back again. My heart started beating double time as he shifted a little closer and continued. Though I could tell he was blushing, his face practically burning against my neck. Something I kind of wanted to see, but I let that urge fade. Instead, I let out another small sigh and relaxed into the almost timid touches.
My free hand moved of its own accord and curled into silky brown locks. It was his turn to stiffen, obviously not expecting this sort of reaction. Which got me wondering, what sort of reaction had he been expecting? Maybe I'd ask him later. I didn't want to break this moment with talking, though. Somehow I just knew that if I spoke, he'd stop, and I found that I didn't want that. I knew I wasn't supposed to like the way his fingertips felt trailing along my forearm. Wasn't supposed to like holding him, or burying my face in his hair. I certainly wasn't supposed to like sleeping next to him, either. But I did.
I wonder if he was feeling the same way. Was he having these thoughts too? I've never felt like this towards a guy. But Nick is just… different. Always has been. I've always wanted his respect. Always wanted him to look my way. Just never thought about what that might mean. But can you blame me, really? This isn't something that a guy like me usually has to think about. Cut me some slack, here. I don't know what I'm doing, or even how to proceed. And it's really pissing me off. I don't think there are many men my age questioning their sexuality or orientation. In fact everyone I know even semi close to my age has a pretty good grasp on what they want. Especially in a partner, let alone every other aspect. Why is it that I'm only just figuring it all out now?
The alarm on Nick's phone sounded then. I knew it was his, because mine hadn't been set. That and his ring tones and alarms were very different from anything I had on my phone. One could never mistake country for rock and roll, after all. I expected him to move then, to get up and brush the whole thing off. But he didn't do any of those things. Instead he made an irritated sound in the back of his throat and curled his fingers around my arm. Like he didn't want to let go. I allowed myself a moment to entertain such an impossible thought. But was that really so impossible? I mean, he wasn't moving away, and he was touching me, and holding me almost intimately.
I bit my lip and stared up at the ceiling, debating on actually voicing the question that burned through my mind. My mouth decided to leave my brain behind again, I guess. "Why doesn't this feel… weird?" I felt the distinct and almost overwhelming urge to smack my own forehead. His body went stiff again, but he still didn't pull away from me. Not that he answered right away, either. He took a few deep breaths before the feel of smooth soft skin touched my neck. It wasn't until he spoke that I realized it was his lips and a gasp rushed out of me at the very idea.
"Why? I mean, should it?" My still open mouth snapped shut as another frown flitted over my features. I closed my eyes as several different thoughts swam through my mind. His words were few, and so simple at that. I didn't know how to respond at first, simply because I wanted to say both yes and no, all at once. No, it shouldn't feel weird because its Nicky, and he made nearly everything feel okay without even trying. It was just something, some gift he seemed to posses. Maybe it was just the warmth he radiated all the time. I wasn't sure, really. But I realized right then that I wanted to find out.
The other side of the whole thing rang through my head, though. Should it feel weird? Yes, because we may be friends and we may work together but this was all new territory. It should feel odd or whatever, right? Or at least out of place somehow. Instead, it was like… I don't know. Like coming home, or something. Like, everything was exactly as it should be. Problem was, I didn't know how to articulate all of that without sounding retarded. So I settled for wrapping an arm around his waist, curling just a little closer while I rasped out a reply. "No… I suppose not."
I guess my answer was the right one, because I felt his lips curl up, against my neck and I couldn't prove it, but it almost felt like he… Well, like he gave me a small kiss before he finally moved. I pretended not to see the red staining his cheeks and tried to hide my own heated face with a faux yawn while he moved to grab his bag. "You can shower first, I'll start the coffee." A small wordless nod and his retreating back were the only reply he'd given. For some reason, it made me smile. For the first time in a very long while, I was actually looking forward to the day. I decided that called for some tunes while I waited for the wondrous liquid to brew.
I don't know how much time had passed, but I'd ended up dancing all around the living room to some killer new Rob Zombie tunes. I didn't even notice when he'd returned. I was too busy rocking out to pay attention to such minor details. Well, I can't say minor, because nothing about this man fit that description. I nearly fell over my own feet when I did finally spot him. He stood in my hallway, a towel draped over his shoulders while he leaned against the wall, watching me silently. He hadn't bothered with a shirt yet, but it was clutched in one of his hands.
I blinked, like a deer in headlights. Totally caught up in the picture that he made, just standing there. Was he like a model or something before he came to Vegas? Jesus. My eyes slid from his face, and headed south to the nape of his neck, then over his chest and down his stomach, until finally… I reached the dip at the hem of his jeans. It wasn't until I looked back up that I realized I'd been fixated on a stray drop of water sliding down his body. I also realized that I wanted to follow that same path with more then just my eyes. Which scared the crap out of me, in all honesty. My face turned bright red all over again, especially when I saw this look in his eyes. I'd never seen it before, so it's kind of hard to describe. He wasn't uncomfortable or anything, no. But he'd definitely caught me staring. That much was quite plain. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I turned away from him to shut the music off before mumbling something about the coffee being ready.
My plan after that was to make some grand escape into the bathroom, but he didn't seem to like that idea very much, since he caught my arm before I could get very far. I stood, frozen in place as he leaned into my personal space, trying to catch my eye, before smiling. "I never thought I'd see the day that Greg Sanders would blush… over anything." I huffed, embarrassed, until he moved even closer and whispered into my ear. "It's cute." And then I pulled away and ran like a bat out of hell, locking myself in the bathroom and panting like I'd run a marathon. Scrubbing my hands over my face, I sighed before turning the water on. He was only teasing me. I had to calm down. The hot spray felt good, and helped me to relax a bit.
Something I desperately needed right then. Fifteen minutes or so later, I emerged in nothing but a towel, as I'd forgotten a change of clothing in my haste. Sometimes I really had to question my own intelligence, Stanford degree or no. That thought flew from my mind as quickly as it had appeared when I found Nicky in my room, looking around at all of the pictures hung up on the walls. He'd finally donned a shirt and had even gotten himself some coffee. His attention didn't snap to me for some long moments, as he examined a photo that I knew quite well. It was of the day I'd passed my proficiency exam. But it wasn't a posed shot. No, it was a candid picture of Nicky, Catherine and I. Though, Catherine had her back to the camera so you couldn't really see her.
But she wasn't the reason I'd kept the photo, or why I'd framed it and hung it up in my room. I tried to avoid eye contact when he finally did turn to me. Focusing instead, on finding appropriate attire for work. I didn't want to explain that, as it was kind of embarrassing and Nicky didn't need to know. He didn't need to know that I'd heard him and Catherine talking about me. That it had cut much deeper then anyone would expect. "Your proficiency exam, I remember this. We were talking about you getting no sleep from then on…" He trailed off in a light chuckle, obviously trying to sound casual before he said what he was thinking. "I didn't know there were any photos of it. Where'd you get them?"
I shrugged and headed towards my closet. "Archie took some pictures. Sara did, too. There are a few more around here somewhere. Listen, not to sound rude, but can I have a minute here? I need to get dressed, or I'm going to be late." He nodded and left the room wordlessly. I sighed, relieved, when the door slid shut behind him. Stokes was getting under my skin. Then again, was there ever a time when he hadn't? I don't recall one. But that's why that particular photo meant so much to me. He was looking at me. Really looking at me, there. And I couldn't help but smile whenever I saw it. I wasn't a wannabe to him anymore. It was plain as day all over his face.
He'd been so genuinely happy for me and told me that I was going to make a great CSI. I felt, I don't know… vindicated or something that day. Like I had finally proved to them, to him, that I belonged. That's all I ever really wanted. All my life, it seemed. Yet another sigh left me as I dressed and stared at the door. Had to face the music sometime, right? Can't hold off forever. But there had been no need to worry about any more awkward moments. At least, not right now… The apartment was empty when I emerged, his used mug now sitting in the sink. Even though I should have been happy, I found I was kind of disappointed.
I chugged a cup of coffee, which I hated to do, as it should always be savored. But alas, I had no time. Then, I grabbed my kit, keys and jacket before heading out. There was an all too familiar truck still parked next to my car when I stepped outside. The engine was running, but it was still there. A sudden rush of warmth filled my stomach as I caught Nicky's eye. He waved but didn't move to drive. Not until I was in my car. That warmth spread up into my cheeks as I ducked my head when he finally did pull out of the driveway and onto the road. My eyes locked on his taillights and followed them until he was out of sight.
"FUCK!" I couldn't stop the frustrated howl I released. I didn't care anyway. It wasn't as if someone else heard it, after all. But God damn him. God fucking damn him and fuck me sideways. This wasn't supposed to happen. Not even close. It wasn't rocket science, no. Rather, quite simple. I was supposed to find a nice girl to settle down with. Get a comfortable little house and probably buy some sort of minivan. Have a few kids; maybe get a dog, you know? But all of that just went flying out the fucking window. Why? Because I don't want that anymore... Couldn't give two shits about any of it. No, not when what I want is him.
I want more mornings like this one, awkward moments and all. I want to wake up with him, and grumble about having to get up. I want to hold him at night before the nightmares start. I want him with me all the time; it doesn't matter where or why. Fuck it all… I just want him. How the hell did all of that change right under my nose? How did I not see it happening? These questions passed through my mind over and over again. It was as if my brain had somehow gotten stuck on repeat until a different, more important question took their place. Would he want me?
That one sure gave me pause, because I had no way of knowing. Yes we'd had some… moments, but did they even count? Blinking in surprise, I realized that I'd driven all the way to work on autopilot. I shrugged to myself, calling it luck and got out. After checking the area at least three times first, of course. Grabbing my kit with a small frown, I locked up then made a beeline towards the locker room. Still lost in thought.
Perhaps that was why I bumped into him on the way in. One of his hands settled on my shoulder to steady me as he smiled apologetically. Like it was his fault, or something. Never mind that it was, technically. I found I was leaning into the touch without conscious thought as I studied his face. There must have been something in my expression, because his softened and we just kind of stood there for a minute. Then I returned to reality and turned my head away before a mumbled 'sorry' escaped my lips. I brushed passed him before he had time to respond and was very glad that he hadn't attempted to pursue me.
The rest of the day was kind of awkward after that. Hell, the rest of the week was just as bad. It was hard to talk to him all of a sudden. Not because I was nervous about being around him or anything. But because I didn't know what might slip out at the wrong moment. I had no idea how to approach this, after all.
What was I going to say? "Hey Nick, I think we should date. How about it?" Hardly. Things just aren't that simple. No matter how much I wish they were. How does one go about this sort of thing, anyway? I mean, I've asked plenty of girls out. I've been on at least a hundred dates. But those were easy because I didn't care if any of them said no. It had no affect on me in the long run. I care about him, though. And about how he sees me. I can't help it. It's probably the smarter thing here to ignore it, I think. Just lock my feelings up nice and tight and force them to shut the hell up. It's not worth losing what I have with him. Not over a crush. No matter how much I wish things could be different.
So with my newfound resolve, I spent the next week attempting to undo the damage I'd caused from my awkwardness the week before. But something was wrong… Nicky just didn't look well at all. There were deep bags under his eyes and he looked as if he might drop at any moment by the time shift ended that Thursday. I sighed out loud as I pulled my Panatera shirt over my head before closing my locker. "Nick…" When he didn't answer right away, I looked over to see him seated on the bench, his forehead pressed into his locker door. He'd fallen asleep.
In that moment I had the strongest urge to hold him. To reach out and pull him close. Instead, I let my hand gently drop onto his shoulder and softly shake him. "Nicky?" He leaned back and blinked up at me sleepily. I smiled down at him and shook my head. "C'mon, dude. You aren't driving anywhere like that. I'll give you a lift home." He didn't argue. Didn't reply at all, actually. He just nodded once, rubbed his eyes lightly and stood. He followed me to the parking lot and dropped his kit into the back of my car before climbing into the passenger seat. He passed back out again almost instantly.
I got in and started the car, humming lightly to myself. The drive to his place was quiet beyond the usual sounds off traffic, and it didn't take long at all. I cut the engine when we arrived, and glanced over to him. Brown half lidded orbs stared sleepily back at me. We stayed there for a good minute before I spoke. "We're here…" Two words and that was it. I didn't really know what else to say anyways.
A small half smile pulled at his lips as he replied softly. "I know…" I thought he was going to leave it at that, until he let out a small sigh. "Would you… Can you stay? Here, I mean…" My eyes traveled to his front door before finding his eyes once more. "I can't sleep…" For some reason I could swear I heard an unspoken 'Unless you're there' in his small explanation… Maybe that was why I nodded and got out of the car. He made it out of the car and into his house under is own power, which I found to be quite the accomplishment, considering.
Once the door was shut, he grabbed my sleeve and pulled me through his living room and down the short hall. I let him lead me without complaint. It was time we stopped beating around the bush here anyways. We both new that even if I went to the couch, I'd just end up in his bed an hour later. So why fight it? His bedroom was clean, the bed made, and not a single piece of clothing littered the floor. My eyes swept over the bed and I found myself thinking about his sheets, which were a dark blue. Oddly enough, I think the color suits him.
We stopped at the edge of the bed, and he began to kick off his shoes. I moved to do the same, and then kicked off my jeans after a moment's thought and a half a second of hesitation. He did the same minus the hesitation, and then going a step farther, he pulled his shirt off as well. I stood there awkwardly as he crawled under the covers. Something about this felt momentous. Like everything was about to change as a result. I couldn't figure out why, but it did… and I didn't really know what to do about it. When he'd settled in, he looked up at me curiously before lifting the sheets in a clear invitation. I chewed my bottom lip as I climbed in next to him, suddenly very unsure of myself.
Before I had time to really question any of this, I settled in on my back and stared up at the ceiling. Then all was quiet. My mind was a whirlwind of activity, though. I'm in Nick's house, in his bed… If I were someone else, watching all of this from the outside, I'd think that he and I were a couple. But we're not, we're just two fucked up people who are depending on each other for the moment. We're damaged… and we might not ever heal fully. Why not try and find a little comfort in one another? What's so wrong with that?
A tentative touch to my elbow stopped all my thoughts in their tracks. I didn't have to look at him to know what he wanted to ask for… Still, my eyes sought and found his even though the darkness. A small smile tugged at my lips as I held my arms open for him. He was there instantly, head tucked under my chin and an arm around my waist. The contented sigh that he released caught me off guard. Even so, it was a sound that I found I'd like to hear again. My right hand, which had been resting on his hip, moved to gently rub his back in small circles. Another little sigh left his lips, tickling my neck, and I smiled.
The hand on my waist curled around my hip and squeezed lightly. It was my turn to sigh. I shouldn't allow myself to get used to this, to him. I know that… and yet, here I lay. In his bed, savoring his smell… his warmth. He won't need me forever. He'll get passed this and then it'll go back to the way it was before. But for now, I think I'm just going to let myself enjoy it. I can't have him, but the consolation prize isn't all that bad, either. I get to hold him, touch him even. I can't really ask for more, and I wont look a gift horse in the mouth, that's for damn sure.
I opened my eyes to the setting sun in surprise. When I had fallen asleep, I wasn't sure. Nicky was still in my arms, though. Nice and quiet too. Sleeping like a baby. I smiled wide, because he didn't have a nightmare. I would have been woken up if he had. It's selfish of me, I know… but I kind of hope he stays dependant on me for sleep for a little while longer. If only so I can wake up next to him a few more times. It is so damn nice. It's also the best sleep I've had in ages.
I closed my eyes and quickly debated getting up to make some coffee, but decided against it shortly there after. It could wait. I didn't want to move away from him just yet. Plus he more then likely didn't have my favorite blend on hand. My gaze fell to the top of his head, where my hand was buried in his hair. When it had gotten there was beyond me, but I was gently running my fingers over and through the chestnut locks again. A pleased sort of rumble reverberated in his chest and he pulled me closer.
I smiled and continued to play with his hair, if only because I can't keep still to save my life. That and I just wanted to keep touching him. He mumbled my name then, and though I couldn't tell if he was asleep or awake, I grunted lightly to show I was listening. "Didn't have a nightmare last night." My smile got a little wider as he tightened his hold on me just the tiniest bit.
"I know." We lapsed back into silence for a long time after that. His thumb drew slow circles over my exposed hip and I couldn't help thinking that everything right at this moment is fucking perfect. More so then I could ever hope for. But like all perfect things, it didn't last. His phone started ringing a few minutes later. Not his cell, but the house phone. I groaned and fought the urge to hold him tighter so that he couldn't leave me.
I had no right to act that way, after all. Still, he didn't look all that happy about it, either so I took some comfort from that. I couldn't stop my eyes from wandering over his chest and abs as he stood and stretched. When I realized he was watching me watch him, I lowered my gaze to the floor, hoping he wouldn't say anything. He didn't, thank the gods. He just shuffled out of the room and answered the phone. I didn't try to figure out who was on the other line like I usually would, no. I was too concerned with having been caught staring at him… again.
How many times would that happen before he figured it out? Not many, I'd guess. Nicky's not stupid, and he's a damn good CSI. It wouldn't take long at all to put it together if I keep that up. Sighing dramatically, I slapped my hand over my face, totally embarrassed. Just because he didn't say anything about it this time doesn't mean that he wont mention it later, or if it happens again. Ah, but who the fuck am I trying to kid? Of course it's going to happen again. I can't keep my eyes away from him to save my goddamned life, and he keeps walking around shirtless.
Who fucking does that? I mean, really? If I didn't know any better, I'd think he was doing it on purpose. But he isn't, I know he isn't. It's not as if he knows how I feel, and even if he did… He's not the kind to play mean games like that. No, he's just oblivious and fucking gorgeous. That's about the size of it.
The bed shifted and I almost squeaked in surprise. I looked at him through my spread fingers while he climbed back into bed. I didn't think he'd be coming back, so I was temporarily struck dumb. Just from the shock of it. My heart thudded so loudly that I'd thought he might hear it when he curled right back up against me. Exactly where he'd been before the phone rang. This was going beyond everything that I'd had excuses for up 'til now. We're both wide-awake, and there is no reason at all to… cuddle. Yet here we are, cuddling.
It doesn't really make all that much sense to me, but I'm not going to complain. The lines are just getting a little too blurry for me right now. I can't see what is and isn't going on here. I'm too close, so the picture is fuzzy. Because there is no need for him to be curled up with me right now other then the fact that it is where he wants to be. I feel like I'm going crazy and I don't really know what to make of all of this. But I do know that I'm not going to be able to keep this up forever. I'm going to end up doing something retarded. Something like kissing him. I don't think he'd hit me or anything, but I don't think he'd appreciate it, either.
"We need to stop this…" I hadn't meant to actually say it, but now that I had, I knew it was true. It needed to be said, really. Because I'm just going to end up so fucked up over this. I'll keep falling for him, until I'm completely gone. Then what? I'm pathetic enough, thank you. I don't need to add 'love struck loser' to the title. Something kind of bothered me about the way his body suddenly went taught with tension from head to toe. The fingers he'd had curled up in my shirt seemed to clutch the fabric tighter instead of letting go, which didn't make any sense. Why isn't he pulling away?
When he responded, his voice sounded so… small. Not Nicky-like at all. "Why?" Sure, it was just one word but… I've never ever heard him sound like that before, and to be quite honest, I never want to again. I wrapped my arms around him, almost as if to apologize for my horrible suggestion, while I sighed. Way to shove my foot in my mouth, huh? Because now I'm going to have to answer that, God damn it. Obviously lying wouldn't work here, so I was left with nothing but the truth.
"Because… If we don't, I'm going to get hurt. You don't… You just… I…" I sighed. It was difficult trying to explain this. Because, even though I am a fully-grown man, I was scared of what he'd say. Adults should be able to talk about such things without having the childish fears of 'What'll he say?' and 'What if he doesn't like me?' Yet, here I am, terrified. I swallowed the lump in my throat and began again. "It doesn't mean the same things to you that it does to me. It feels like you mean it, Nicky… And I just… I want you to mean it." I took a deep breath then let out in one word. "Shit." Biting my lip, I took another and exhaled sharply through my nose while I stared at some random spot on the ceiling. Waiting for his inevitable rejection.
The reaction I received didn't come in the form of a verbal response. Well, not right away at least. We neither moved nor spoke for a full minute. Then, in the blink of an eye, both of my wrists were pinned above my head. Though, he really didn't have to go that far. His searing gaze alone was enough to keep me still. Serious and contemplative pools, the color of the earth, stared at me for long minutes. I didn't dare breathe. Something about the way he was looking at me told me not to. Like if I did, I might miss out on something important.
Suddenly, he dipped down. Warm breath caressed my ear as he whispered ever so softly. Smooth skin brushed my cheek for the briefest of moments, and then he was kissing me. I shut my eyes against the well of emotion rising within me and kissed back. Slow, soft and sweet. An exploration of new territory... Not harsh, nor timid, just the warm press of hiss lips against mine. Elation ran rampant through me. His words repeated over and over like a song on replay in my head. "But I do mean it… I thought you knew."
Something inside of me seemed to shift in that moment. Almost as if some hole I hadn't known was there had suddenly been filled. I wasn't perfect, and neither was he. But maybe, just maybe we could still be fixed. Or maybe we don't need to be, just as long as we have each other. I don't know. What I do know is now that I have him… I don't plan on letting him go. Not now, not ever.