ok, this can go with my other fic mesmerized. so read that one too. k? as always reviews are nice!

He's intriguing. A man totally absorbed in what he does. Nothing, no one, no how could change him, alter him. Trust me, I've tried. I feel that since he is dependant on no one that he must not need anyone. How much more wrong can you be. I don't want him to be dependant on me. I just want to be able to know him, for him to open up to me. Even just a little bit.

I thought I knew how he felt about me. I thought we had a something. What? I have no idea, but it was a something. So, I asked him to dinner. Not a date, no commitment at all. Just a dinner. An exploration. An experiment. I thought he would accept an experiment, the scientist in him. But, no. No anything, no nothing. He didn't know what to do about "this". I did. I still do. And I tried to change his mind. But, in all reality nothing was ever the same with us.

I was sad, defeated and angry. I am trained, paid investigator. A quite good one I might add. So I knew he was hiding from his true feelings. And that mad me angry. So I did the only thing I knew how to do to hide from my anger. I drank. All growing up, my daddy drank. And he was a very angry man. My mother knew that best of all. I promised I would never be like him. I promised. But he made me break that promise. I started off slow, a couple beers after shift. A shot here and there. I promised I would never get more than that. But eventually, he made me break that promise as well.

Then there was that one case. Debbie, her name was Debbie, but to him she wasn't just Debbie-the-dead-girl-in-the-shower. Oh, no. And this Debbie looked like me. I was printing her toes and I knew, suddenly at that moment why he was on his third shift on this vic. "Don't let the victim become special" he would lecture, but Debbie, Debbie was beyond special for him. She looked like me. Like she could be my twin sister separated at birth. And I think that is why she scared him so much. Then there was the resolution to the case. We had nothing, nothing substantial to book anyone. But even then Mr. follow-the-evidence wasn't done reversing his ethics. We all knew who did it. It was her boss. He was older, and madly in love with her. She was too, but then the tables turned. She moved on, he couldn't. She broke his heart, he slit her throat. He felt scared that he might be put in that situation.

"But then one day, someone young and beautiful shows up. Someone we can care about. She offers a new life with her. But we have a big decision to make right? Because we have to risk everything we've worked for in order to have her. I couldn't do it... but you did."

Yup, I was there. The whole time. Every word. He could tell a stranger. A murderer! But he couldn't tell me. What had I done to deserve that? You can't even imagine how it felt. The hurt, the pain, the anger. He loved me, but he couldn't risk it. His job was worth more to him than I was. I am human. I have emotions, I can love. This job couldn't love him back. And isn't love what we're all looking for. So why, how could he choose a job over me. And yet, even though logic screamed otherwise, he did.

Which drove me to drinking again. Harder this time. The amount of emotional stress he threw me into this time was much too much for a beer or a glass of wine to handle.

And the promotion. I am not going to lie I am a damn good csi, and that may be the only thing I have but at least I have that. I have the 2nd highest solve rate, only he himself could top and considering that I have more years left to work than him, I almost guaranteedly will pass him up. Now nick is a good csi too, and not to nock him or anything, he is my best friend. But the promotion should have been mine. I am better than he is. I just know it. But he chose Nick over me. Why? Why? If I can t have him then at least let me have my job! I was devastated, even when the position was cut and the promotion didn't mean anything. It still would have been nice to nice to know that I am considered the best csi. But nope, no recognition. No anything.

So when I went out to celebrate with nick and Warrick, I had a drink. Then I said I was going home. Liar. I went back into the bar to dry and drown my sorrows. The whole world gets so much easier to deal with after a few drinks. I wasn't really drunk. Ok I was in denial. And admitting I was drunk and needed a ride home would be admitting I have a problem and needed help. And that would be admitting failure. So I decided to drive home. They found me. The cops disagreed with my original diagnosis of 'I'm not drunk' and took me down to the station. In the car it started to hit me what the hell I just did. That was the quickest sobering up I ever did. God, if I had had another beer, then I would lose my job. And I knew I didn't have him. And if I didn't have my job, I would have nothing. Absolutely nothing. That scared me so much.

He was there at the station. He seemed worried about me. yeah right. He probably was just worried that if I had been arrested then he would have to go through the process of hiring a new csi. Then he held my hand. His warm soft hand in my clammy sweaty one. And for a second I almost felt that the whole night was worth it, just for that moment when his hand was in mine. Then I realized it was probably a ploy. He didn't really care for me. I never know what to think about him.

I told him my secret. I told him. I never told anyone else. But I told him. And he didn't care. Then he asked Sofia out to dinner. Yep, he asked her to dinner. So now all of the sudden he has no problem with dating subordinates.

I don't know if I will ever understand him. But no matter what I said about being too late. I think it will never be too late. As hard as I may try to move on, I think my heart will always be with him.