A/N Hi Heartie friends! I never intended to start another fanfiction (at least not until one of my other ones was complete), but here we are!
Just a few things:
1. I don't own these characters, Hallmark does.
2. The beginning of this chapter may not be what you think it is, so please read the whole thing before you get upset with me :)
3. I do occasionally take inspiration from questions and musings posted in reviews, so please let me know what you think!
...
Elizabeth leaned against the counter, shaking slightly as she looked at the white stick in her hand, the pink plus sign unmistakable.
It wasn't supposed to be like this.
She was supposed to be excited. She was supposed to find a cute way to tell him that he was going to be a daddy. He was supposed to be there.
Instead, she put on her coat and drove to the cemetery, sinking down on the soft ground where she had stood only a few weeks before as they lowered him into the ground. She placed her hand on the cold stone, feeling the letters carved into its surface—the name of her love, her husband.
"Hi." She took a deep breath, trying to steady her voice and willing the tears away. "I miss you so much."
She shivered as a breeze blew through the trees. There was frost on the grass, and her breath was coming out in puffs. She couldn't stay out in the cold much longer, but she needed to tell him. He needed to know.
"I'm so mad. Not at you. I know this wasn't your fault. But I'm angry that you aren't here. I need you here. None of this is fair." The tears finally came, unrelenting and hot on her cheeks. "That's not what I came here to tell you, though. I came to tell you that I'm pregnant. I know we weren't planning on it, but we made a baby. I don't know if I can do this without you. I never imagined that I would be raising our child alone. I don't want our baby to grow up without you. It's not fair. You and this baby deserve to know each other."
She sat by the grave for a few more minutes as the tears continued to fall and her breathing evened out. The sun set behind her. The evening air grew colder.
She finally returned home, to her house that felt so big, so suffocating. It didn't feel like home without him, but she couldn't bring herself to leave. The memories kept her tethered there.
She curled up with his pillow and fell into a dreamless sleep.
...
She woke up confused and disoriented, just as she had every morning since he died. It took her a few moments to realize the bed was empty. He would never lay beside her again. She inhaled the lingering scent of him on his pillow. She was brought back to the last time she saw him.
He had complained of a headache that morning, but neither of them thought anything of it. He just took some aspirin and kissed her goodbye before he headed off to work.
Just before lunchtime, her supervisor had knocked on her office door. She immediately knew something was wrong, just by the fact that her therapy session had been interrupted. It had to be an emergency.
She remembered little from her drive to the hospital, just that her fingers hurt from gripping the steering wheel so tightly.
He was in surgery when she arrived. The doctors informed her that he had a ruptured aneurysm and that they were trying to stop the bleeding in his brain.
Her hands shook as she sat in the waiting room. At some point, Rosie and Lee arrived. They all sat in silence while they waited for more news.
Finally, a doctor came over, and they all stood. He was out of surgery, but things didn't look good. His brain had been badly damaged by the bleed, and it was very likely that he would never wake.
They were led to his room and left alone. They prayed over him, all hoping that maybe the doctor had it wrong. Maybe he would open his eyes.
Rosie and Lee left after a while, giving Elizabeth some time alone with her husband.
She held his hand, trying to ignore the tubes and wires attaching him to various machines, trying to ignore how pale he looked. She talked to him, telling him he had to come back.
His parents arrived and sat with her. The doctors checked on him again; there was no change. Together, they made a decision to discontinue life support. He wouldn't have wanted to live that way.
They prayed over him again as he was disconnected from the machines that were keeping him alive. She leaned over him as his heart slowed and eventually stopped, feeling his last breath leave his lips.
She hadn't cried when it happened—she was in shock—but now she cried as she remembered the moment he left her. She never knew just how much she could cry until he was gone.
It was still surreal that he was gone. They had just celebrated their second anniversary. She never expected that it would be their last. She expected that they would grow old together, watch their children and grandchildren grow up.
Their children. She brought her hand to her stomach, remembering the tiny life growing there. She hated that their baby would never know him, that he would never know their baby.
She finally pulled herself from the bed when she heard a knock at the door.
"Hi." He gave her a tiny smile, unsure of how she would react to his unannounced visit.
She opened the door wider to let him in. She wasn't surprised that he had come to check in on her. He was always thoughtful like that. He hugged her tightly, and she broke down again. He led her to the sofa, rubbing her back as she continued to cry into his shoulder. His heart broke as he watched her.
He was her husband's best friend, knew him before either of them knew her. He was hurting from the loss of him, too.
Without warning, she stood and made her way to the bathroom. He could hear her getting sick. He didn't know what to do, but he felt like he should do something.
"Elizabeth?" He leaned against the doorframe, speaking quietly. "Elizabeth, are you okay? Do you need anything?"
"I'm fine." Her voice was weak and shaky, barely passing through the door. She rested her head in her hands, taking deep breaths and waiting for the nausea to pass.
The sickness brought the baby back to the forefront of her mind. She held her stomach and cried again, for him, for the child who would never know him.
He was leaning against the wall by the door when she finally came out of the room, holding a glass of water.
"Are you sure you're okay?" He couldn't help but notice her eyes were red, and he knew she had been crying.
She gave him a sad smile and nodded as she took the glass from him. She took a couple of small sips and returned to the sofa.
"I'm fine, really. I'm not sick, despite how all of this seems."
"Not sick? What then? Stress?"
"No." She sighed when he sank down beside her, knowing she would need to tell him sooner or later. "I'm pregnant."
"What?"
"I'm pregnant, Jack. I found out yesterday."
"Wow. So, Pat never…?"
She shook her head. "He didn't know. We weren't even trying. I mean, we wanted kids, but we were going to wait until the summer to start trying, after I finished my hours and got fully licensed. I just," she choked back a sob, "I don't want to do this without him."
He put his hand on her back, just lightly, comforting. "Have you told anyone else?"
"Just Pat. I went to…his grave yesterday…to tell him." She wiped her eyes. "I need to tell Lee and Rosie soon, and my family." She took a shaky breath. "His parents, too."
"One step at a time." He handed her the box of Kleenex that was on the coffee table. "I can help you tell them, if you want."
"I think I can do it myself, but thank you."
"How do you feel about it? Being pregnant?"
"Hey, I'm the therapist. I'm the one who's supposed to ask about feelings." They both chuckled, relieving some of the tension that had settled over the room. "But I'm feeling a little bit of everything, I guess. I'm happy about the baby, truly. I mean, this baby is a little bit of Pat and a little bit of me, so how could I not be happy? But I'm angry that he's not here for this. He's supposed to be here for this. I'm sad that the baby will only know Pat through stories. And what if the baby is a boy? He'll need his father. Well, if the baby's a girl, she'll need her father, too. But you know what I mean. This is all just so overwhelming." She slumped over a bit, resting her head in her hands.
"Yeah." Jack didn't know what else to say to her, so he just continued to rub her back to let her know he was there.
That was really all she needed. Someone to listen, someone to be present with her. She leaned into him, her head against his shoulder. He slipped his other arm around her.
Something about that moment brought them both back to the day of the funeral.
It was cold and cloudy outside, a light dusting of snow lay on the ground. The day looked as miserable as Elizabeth felt.
She sat in the center of the front row, his parents on one side, Jack, Lee, and Rosie on the other. She stared straight ahead, trying to ignore the casket sitting at the front of the room. Jack held her hand in his. She felt numb; she couldn't cry. She had barely cried since the day she said goodbye to him.
Meanwhile, Jack struggled to hold back his tears. He had lost his best friend, and he feared that he would lose Elizabeth, too.
He watched Elizabeth out of the corner of his eye. Her jaw was clenched as Patrick's favorite hymns were sung and various friends and family members spoke about his life.
When they reached the gravesite, Jack returned to her side. She gripped his hand tightly, as if she would fall over without him there.
She finally broke when they lowered him into the ground. It was so final, and she realized in that moment that he was really never coming back. They stood there long after the other guests had left, Jack holding her as she cried.
Just like he was holding her now.
Though he was content with his life—he had a good family, good friends, a good job—Jack couldn't help but wish he had someone in his life. Despite the pain that he was seeing Elizabeth go through, he wanted what Rosie and Lee had, what Elizabeth and Patrick had, before…
With Elizabeth still in the circle of his arms, he started to wonder if maybe, just maybe.
The thought scared him, and he quickly pushed it away.
She took a shaky breath and pulled back from him slightly. "I'm supposed to go back to work tomorrow."
"Are you ready?"
She shook her head. "I don't think I'll ever be ready. I just don't want everyone looking at me."
"They won't be looking at you."
"You're looking at me."
He leaned back. "What do you mean?"
"Every time you've seen me since Pat… You look at me like you're afraid I'm going to break. It's the same way everyone looks at me."
"I don't—"
She scooted back, putting space between them. "Yes, you do, Jack. You look at me like I could fall to pieces at any moment."
"I'm sorry, Elizabeth. I didn't realize. I certainly don't think that. I guess I'm just afraid of saying or doing something wrong. You're going through an unthinkable situation, and I have no way of understanding what it's like. I mean, I have a bit of an idea because he was one of my best friends, but you were married to him. It's different."
She reached out and touched his hand. "The fact that you recognize that puts you way ahead of most people."
"What do you," he cleared his throat, "what do you need? From me, from anyone."
"I just need you to be here. Rosie and Lee, too. I don't need any of you to say the perfect thing. Just be here."
He nodded. "We can do that."
"Thank you, Jack."
He stayed over for a while longer, just catching up with her and making sure she really was okay.
...
"Hey, man." Lee clapped Jack on the back as he stepped through the door. "Rosie and I missed you at church today."
"Sorry, I meant to let you know. I went to go see Elizabeth." He took a seat on the couch and accepted the glass of water that Lee offered.
"How's she doing? I haven't seen her much since…the funeral."
Jack shrugged. "As well as can be expected, I guess." He took a sip of water. "How are you doing?"
Lee sighed. He and his brother had had the typical disagreements and sibling rivalry growing up, but they loved each other. They were family. "As well as can be expected, I guess," he repeated Jack's words. "Pat was my little brother. I never imagined a time in my life when he wouldn't be there. It's hard. I find myself reaching for the phone to call him or send him pictures of Lorelei doing something cute, and then it hits me all over again."
"Is she still asking about him?"
Lee nodded. "I don't know how to talk to her about it. She's only two and a half, so of course she doesn't understand why she doesn't see Uncle Pat anymore." He took a drink from his own glass. "She's been asking about Elizabeth, too. Rosie keeps trying to get her to come over, but she keeps turning us down."
"Maybe you should just go over there, take Lorelei with you. Elizabeth isn't going to turn you guys away. It would probably be good for all of you."
"Good idea. I'll talk to Rosie about it."
"Uncle Jack!" A toddler ran over, and Jack pulled her into his lap.
"Hi, Lorelei! How's my favorite girl doing?"
"Good!" She wrapped her arms around his neck. "You play with me?"
"I can play with you for a little bit."
She climbed down from the couch and tugged on his hand.
"Daddy, you come too."
Lee chuckled and followed her as she pulled Jack toward her room. Both men sat on the floor where the little girl instructed them.
"She obviously inherited Rosie's need to tell everyone what to do."
Lee rolled his eyes and laughed. "Tell me about it."
Fifteen minutes later, Jack and Lee were sitting around a plastic tea set, wearing sparkly plastic tiaras.
"Lorelei, naptime." Rosemary stepped into the room and burst out laughing. "Oh dear. This is a good look for both of you."
"They pretty, mama!"
"Yes, baby. They look very pretty." She smirked. "Now, can you help clean up so you can take your nap?"
"I not tired."
Rosemary put her hands on her hips. "Lorelei Rose, you tell me that every day, and then every day you fall asleep as soon as you lay down."
"Maybe you can convince Uncle Jack to help put you to bed."
Jack smiled. "Sure, I can do that. I can read you a book, or maybe sing to you."
"Sing!"
"Okay, I'll sing to you, but you need to listen to your mama and clean up first."
Within ten minutes, her room was picked up and she was tucked into bed. Jack sat on the floor beside the crib, holding the little hand she stuck through the bars. He sang quietly until her blue eyes closed and her breathing slowed.
He watched her for a few moments, her dark curls splayed out beneath her, her round cheeks slightly pink.
Lee was reclining on the couch when Jack returned to the living room. "Hey, thanks for the help with her. You didn't have to do that."
"I don't mind. That's what godfathers are for." He sat down, reaching for the glass of water he had left sitting there earlier.
Rosemary brought in a plate of cookies, placing it on the coffee table. "You know, Jack, you'll make a great father someday. You're always so wonderful with Lorelei, I can only imagine how wonderful you'd be with your own child."
A smile played on his face as an image popped into his head of himself holding a tiny baby in his arms. His smile faltered when he realized that the baby in his fantasy looked like Elizabeth.
She wasn't his. Her baby wasn't his.
It wasn't right to think that. He pushed the thought away. He seemed to be doing that a lot lately: pushing thoughts away.
"You okay, Jack?"
He cleared his throat. "Yeah. Fine. Just thinking about something." Someone.
Rosemary took a seat next to Lee. "Did I hear you say you went to see Elizabeth this morning?"
"Mhmm. She's doing okay, given everything." He sighed. "I'm worried about her, though. She goes back to work tomorrow."
"Should we do something for her?"
He shrugged. "I figure we could at least check in on her throughout the week."
"I could bring her dinner a couple of evenings."
"Jack also suggested that maybe we take Lorelei over there to visit. If anyone can lift her spirits, it's Lorelei Coulter."
Rosie absentmindedly rubbed Lee's back. "Perfect. Hopefully we can make things a little easier for her."
"Yeah," Jack agreed. "Well, thanks for letting me hang out for a bit. I'd better get going."
"Oh, no. Please stay for dinner, Jack."
"I would love to, Rosie, but I have a bunch of papers to grade." He stood up and headed for the door. "Tell Lorelei I said bye. See you guys later."