Yours
I wear your winter coat
The one you love to wear
So I keep feeling close
To us beyond compare
Hanna could not stop crying; every time she willed herself to get a grip, she remembered the way in which she had begged him to stay, the way she had pleaded with him to explain why he was leaving, and to take her with him. He never answered, and left her sobbing at her door, crying his name.
She had asked her mother if this was what real heartbreak felt like, before asking her whether this was what all men did, just leave, never to return? All she remembered was her mother's sweet embrace as she whispered into her ear, telling her she would be okay, though Hanna didn't think that she would. Ashley led her up the stairs and into her bed, where she laid down with Hanna and held her close, her heartbreaking sobs only ceasing when sleep took her.
But now Hanna, had woken up and she was alone, visions of their breakup vivid in her mind, her heart filled with the ache that was his incomprehensible departure.
Her memory was repeating his last spoken words to her over and over, like a broken record:
"I'm not going to forget anything."
And if I've been feeling heavy
You take me from the dark
Your arms they keep me steady
So nothing could fall apart
"I'm not going to forget anything."
It was the last thing that he had managed to say to her, during the very last moment in which he had managed to look at her without breaking down, without getting lost in the ocean of blue that always pulled him back in. Her face in that moment was forever imprinted in his mind.
He could feel her pleading eyes on him, silently begging him to stay. Her heart screaming for him not to abandon her.
He looked straight ahead, determined to keep her safe. If his broken heart would ensure her safety, and maybe, one day, happiness for Hanna again, then he would take it. Caleb reached the end of the road and looked back at her in the rear view mirror. She stood in the middle of the road, arms wrapped around herself as she watched him leave. She was no doubt trying to keep herself from breaking down, just like he was doing.
He couldn't take it anymore; he bit his lip hard and tore his eyes away from the rear view mirror. He would never be able to do what he needed to do if he kept looking at her.
He broke down the very moment that he took a left turn, and she disappeared from view.
She was gone.
He was gone.
It wasn't until he reached the outskirts of Philadelphia that he managed to stop the tears that were streaming down his face and blurring his vision. The further away that he moved from Hanna, his Hanna, the worse he felt. He wiped angrily at the tears on his face, and focused on the trees by the side of the road that he was driving down.
He could end it all now, end his suffering so that his heart wouldn't keep hurting forever, and he wouldn't have to think about the one person he loved the most, the one who he had to let go of. But then, he thought of Hanna, and how inconsolable she would be if he left her alone, left this world forever. This way, at least, they might someday both look up at the sky to gaze at the stars and the moon above, and think about each other. They may wonder whether the other one was looking at the same sky too, in order to marvel at the beauty of it all, and remember all that they once were.
He sighed deeply as he drove on. Night had fallen, and the roads were empty. The radio had been acting up, so he had turned it off – not that any kind of song could heal him now. It never could. He hated radio music, especially when it was being played in a car. It reminded him of the many trips that he had taken in the back seats of cars belonging to whoever his social worker was at the time.
They would play the radio in order to ensure that they wouldn't have to have an actual conversation with him, only speaking to tell him where he was going next. They would never explain why he had to leave his last family.
He didn't remember whether his last social worker had even spoken to him as she had driven him to his last destination; Rosewood. He had walked out of his last 'home' with his headphones on, and only took them off when he was dumped on Janet's doorstep by his social worker, who introduced him to her as Calvin.
He blinked as his mind drifted back to the day that he contemplated walking away from everything forever. He had stayed in school for a few nights, until he managed to make enough money to get by, enough to run away.
But then Hanna happened.
She was the one who found out that it was him, lurking around the school. She was the one who took the time to look at him for more than a second, the only one who wasted her breath in order to snark at him in detention, which he enjoyed immensely. Nobody had spoken to him that much in a long time – at least he had made enough of an impression to be able to annoy her.
He never told her how much that had meant to him.
He smiled for the first time that evening. After that detention, he had no longer been able to stay away from her. She was like a magnet that kept pulling him in. He got up early, skipped classes that they didn't share, and even went to lunch in the cafeteria in order to catch a glimpse of her, or talk to her whenever he could. He was enchanted by her, yet he would never tell tell a soul.
Girls like her didn't go for hand-me-down kids like him.
Only once had he found the courage to ask her out on a date. The loud snort that she had given him in reply echoed around his head for the rest of that day and night.
The moments waking up
You catch me in your eyes
That beauty on my pillow
That holds me in the night
_
Despite Hanna saying no, they had gone on a date, which was more like hanging out than anything. He had accepted her offer with a slight nod, though his heart had nearly skipped out of his chest when she agreed.
It was the catalyst for the landslide that was their life together. The date resulted in Hanna getting to know him better, leading to him breaking down his walls in order to let her in. It led to the day that she handed him a scrappy piece of paper with her address scribbled on it before she walked off. To him, it had meant everything. It had meant acceptance, safety, and living in the first place that he had been able to call home. With the first person that he had been able to call home.
Things had moved quickly from the very moment that he had moved into her basement. The undeniable tension between them came to a head, leading up to their first kiss, and many more after that. Their first time together in the tent would always be the most significant moment of his entire life.
It was the first time that not only Hanna, but he himself had opened up to anyone. Being so close to Hanna, and her trusting him in a way that no one had ever trusted him before, made his heart burst with love and affection for the girl that was sharing a tent with him.
When he woke the next morning to find her staring at him, her beautiful eyes sparkling as she observed him, he knew that he would love her forever.
And if I've been feeling heavy
You take me from the dark
Your arms they keep me steady
So nothing could fall apart
He arrived in Ravenswood quicker than he had expected. With Hanna on his mind for the entire ride, the journey had only felt five minutes long. He took a moment to himself, and sat in his car silently, resting his head against the headrest and closing his eyes. After a moment, he grimaced as visions of Hanna swam through his mind. He allowed himself to let go, let go of the pain and regret of leaving Hanna behind. He let go of the one person that he had always been sure about. The one that had welcomed him, kept him steady, and loved him more than he would ever love himself.
He allowed the tears.
He allowed the pain.
He allowed the heartache, the darkness that surrounded Ravenswood like a vast cloud of depression mirroring his anguished soul, to take over.
He let out a shuddering breath, before forcing himself to stop crying over his own actions. He looked out of the window of his car at the place he was supposed to start calling 'home'. He saw a figure emerge from the mansion, which he knew belonged to Miranda's uncle. He stayed where he was as he watched her come closer, until she reached his side of the car and he rolled his window down.
Her smile was the only light in Ravenswood, and it calmed him slightly.
"I'm so happy you're here, Caleb," She whispered as she smiled at him, her relief visible on her pale face.
He nodded; he couldn't reciprocate her words, nor the happiness she felt. He swallowed hard and she looked at him questioningly.
"Caleb?"
And I will find my strength to untape my mouth
When I used to be afraid of the words
Hanna felt beaten, weak and drained. After visiting the presumed grave of Alison, which then turned out not to be Alison's, she had snapped at her friends due to pure exhaustion. Hanna never knew that a breakup could cause physical pain, yet there she was, completely unable to function.
The mask of happiness that she was wearing became heavier and harder to bear.
She wasn't okay, no matter what she told her friends.
She would never be okay again.
She had never opened her heart to anyone like she had to Caleb; she had given him a chance, many chances. Not only had she loved him with all of her heart, she had loved him with her whole being, giving him all that she had and was, and he had given her even more in return.
Hanna arrived home and slumped down onto her bed, face down. She had tried so hard to stay strong all day in front of her mother and friends, telling them that she was okay, and that nothing was bothering her, telling herself that she would get over Caleb, and the way in which he had left her, left them, without so much as a proper goodbye.
Within minutes, her pillow was soaked by the immense amount of tears flowing freely from her eyes. She no longer tried to stop them; in a way, she felt relieved to let go of the pent up sadness that had been building all day, dragging her down and keeping her trapped in a prison of misery. She bit down on her sheet to keep herself from screaming in agony as she thought about all that they were, all that they had been.
It was already midnight by the time Hanna managed to drag herself out of bed. Her body was too heavy to move, too hurt to succumb to sleep. Despite the many visits from her mother, who kept checking in on her to see whether she was hungry, or ready to talk, she didn't feel any better.
Hanna left her mother's sweet attempts to make her feel better unanswered, and after being continuously ignored, Ashley got the message. She came into Hanna's room one last time to tell her that she was going to bed. Hanna wished that her body and mind would let her sleep, too. She rolled around on the bed for a while before she got off and grabbed a towel from her closet. Despite how late it was, Hanna stepped into the shower, washing all of her despair from the day down the drain.
By the time she emerged from the steamy shower, she felt lighter. By no means did she feel better, or happier, yet concentrating on the sound of the water cascading around her had soothed her, and allowed her to regain some control over the emotions that had dominated her existence all day.
Determined, she sat down in front of her makeup table, and picked up her phone, which she had left there before her shower. It had been the first time that day that she had managed to let go of her phone, the first time that she was able to let go of the anticipation of hearing Caleb's voice once more. She had hoped that he would call her and tell her that he was on his way back home to her.
She pressed speed dial, and with trepidation, held the phone against her ear. Her stomach was twisting in knots as it rang, and she wondered briefly whether she wanted him to pick up, or let her call go to voicemail.
The moment that it went to voicemail, she knew that she would have done anything in the world for him to have answered the call. It was like he had already disappeared, and all she was left with was his ghost
She sighed deeply, listening to his voicemail message, which she knew by heart. She took extreme comfort in the sound of his deep voice, and pretended that he was there with her, speaking to her directly.
She inhaled deeply before speaking.
"Hey, it's me Hanna," She said, before pausing. She thought about the words that she wanted to leave him with, knowing that it would be the last time that he would hear her voice.
"I keep replaying the past few weeks over and over again in my head, trying to pinpoint the exact moment I lost you, wondering If I could have done something differently," She continued as her heart, her body and her mind yearned to be with Caleb one last time; she pushed down those feelings, knowing that her inevitable goodbye to Caleb was creeping up on her.
"But… I just wanted to let you know….it was the best year of my life," She finished, her voice steady. Her heart broke into a million scattered pieces as she hung up the phone; she weighed it in her hands for a few seconds before throwing it angrily at the wall, where the screen shattered, broken beyond repair.
Just like her, just like the one thing in her life that she had believed to be be unbreakable.
Her relationship with Caleb.
And I will find my strength to untape my mouth
When I used to be afraid of the words
He had seen the phone ringing, and nearly picked up instinctively the moment that her photo had flashed up on the screen. But then he remembered where he was, and knew that he couldn't. Not now. He let it go to voicemail, and his heart fluttered when, moments later, his phone buzzed again in order to alert him to the fact that she had left him a voicemail. Or maybe she had just hung up too late.
Or maybe, just maybe, she had called him to listen to the sound of his voice one last time. He knew that he would be doing the same thing until the end of time, if he wasn't so damn sure that Hanna would pick up the phone the very second that it started ringing.
He had to go through with the plan that he had in mind, he had to keep his promise, especially as it was to someone that he had vouched to protect and look after. He ran his hand through his hair as he got out of the car, a familiar smell filling his nostrils as he looked up at the house in front of him.
He was ready.
But with you I've learned just to let it out
Now my heart is ready to burst
His fingertips brushed over the key that had changed his life forever. He looked up at the dark house once more, his stomach in knots as he wondered whether he should enter, not knowing what he would find, or if his arrival would still be welcomed.
He held his breath as he turned the key in the lock, quietly opening the door before he paused, listening for any sounds that may have been coming from the house.
He stared into the long dark hallway and stepped in, closing the door silently behind him. There were still no sounds, no lights coming from the kitchen at the end of the hall. He looked up at the staircase, where a dull light was coming from upstairs. He felt something akin to hope in the pit of his stomach, spurring him on as he climbed up the stairs with new-found speed.
As soon as he got to the landing, he gasped, a smile creeping up onto his lips as he saw where the light was emanating from. Her door was slightly open, and her bedside lamp was turned on, the dim light coming from it spreading into the hallway where he stood.
It was like nothing had changed.
Nothing would have changed if he hadn't driven away from her a few hours before; the door would have been open for him to sneak in silently, so that her mother wouldn't hear.
Quietly, he made his way closer to the open door, and looked into her room. He sighed deeply as his eyes fell on her delicate form. She was facing the wall nearest the door, her eyes open, but she still didn't see him. Caleb sighed as he took in how vulnerable she looked as she stared at the blank wall, not blinking, her eyes swollen, puffy, and empty.
He bit his lip, knowing that he was the cause of her pain.
He swallowed loudly in order to keep his emotions under control, trying to think of ways in which he could announce his presence to her.
Yet again, he had hurt her. Yet again, he had left her drowning in misery. He looked up, and was shocked to find Hanna staring at him. He stared into her deep blue eyes, which were void of emotion, void of love; he wondered whether she had seen him, as her body remained still and quiet.
"Hanna," He whispered into the emptiness that surrounded them, not daring to move any closer to her.
The tiniest shift of her legs told him that she was awake, and she blinked at him. He lost control of his body as it swiftly moved of its own accord to her side of her bed. He knelt down next to her, so that their faces were level, and searched her eyes for answers, for the spark that never failed to appear whenever he looked into them. Tonight, he couldn't find either one of those things.
Her eyes searched his, and he watched nervously as she opened her mouth to speak.
"Caleb, I want you to leave," She choked out, staring at him determinedly as his face contorted at her words
"Hanna, no. I'm not leaving, I… I came back for you," He protested, reaching out to brush his hand across her cheek, but she beat him to it, slapping his hand away, before staring at him angrily.
"You left me Caleb, why don't you just fuck off and stay gone forever?" She snapped, before moving to turn over, to turn away from him.
He stared at her back as silence filled the room and her harsh words sank in. He sighed; he should have known that Hanna would not have welcomed him back with open arms after he left her behind.
"Don't forget to close the door on your way out, and leave the key on the kitchen counter," She added snarkily, without so much as turning around to look at him. She lay there, listening out for the sound of him leaving, which she knew deep in her heart that he wouldn't.
'Cause I feel like I'm ready for love
And I wanna be your everything and more
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him walk to the other side of the bed. He sat down on the corner of it, near her feet, staring into the darkness through her window. "Hanna, there's something I want to tell you… Something I need to get off my chest, and then I'll leave. I promise."
"You left me for Miranda, she didn't want you, and now you've come back to me, back to your second choice. The end," Hanna mumbled harshly, her eyes fixated on the window.
He turned around sharply, staring at her. "Hanna, you could never be my number two, you will always be number one, my priority. Nothing hurts me more than seeing you unhappy. I cannot deal with seeing you sad and hurt. I would do anything to make you feel better. I would carry all the pain and misery in the world to keep you happy, Hanna," He said sincerely, but she just snorted loudly at him.
"Keep me happy?" She cackled, "You thought that leaving me like you did today would make me happy?"
"Hanna, please just hear me out," He begged. "I really thought that I was doing the right thing by helping Miranda, you told me to help her and I did. And I was okay with it, because I knew you trusted me. I did it because she needed me, she needed me more than you did." He cleared his throat before continuing, "You are so strong Hanna, stronger than her. I thought that you and I could overcome anything, and that nothing could break us. But as I was driving down the road tonight, the echoes of your agony rang so loud in my head and heart that I couldn't get rid of them. Damn, I couldn't even look at you when we said goodbye because I would have never been able to leave if I did," He sighed deeply, "I know that I should have stayed, but I'm stubborn, and felt obligated to keep my promise to Miranda."
"Hanna, I never believed that I deserved the happiness that you have brought into my life. Having to help Miranda felt like the bump in the road that I've been waiting for ever since we met. I felt like I was getting what I had coming after all these years of being happy. My karma always seems to catch up with me, and I felt like this was it. The very least I could do was to leave you out of my bad luck," He scratched the back of his head, "But the further I drove away from you, the more it hurt. I feel like we're tied together like a rubber band," He chuckled.
"Rubber band?" Hanna asked curiously; Caleb was relieved to hear that the harshness was gone from her voice.
He took a moment to look at her before shooting her a smile, which she did not return. "Yeah," He added, before he quickly walked to her desk, where he knew that she kept some stationery. He grabbed a rubber band, and sat back down on the edge of the bed, before holding his hands in front of his face. He pulled them apart as far as he could with the rubber band wrapped around them.
"It can stretch it pretty far, right?" He asked as he pulled his hands further apart.
"Hmm," Hanna murmured, pretending to be uninterested as she wondered where he was taking his weird demonstration.
"Touch it," Caleb said, nodding towards the rubber band, which was still stretched between his hands.
"No."
"Humour me," He complained, knowing that it would annoy Hanna, who finally touched it briefly before lying back down on the bed.
"Would you say that there's a lot of strain on the rubber band?"
She stared at him, wondering whether she should be annoyed or amused. "I guess you could say that, but it's a rubber band, Caleb."
"So, imagine that the rubber band is the one thing connecting you and me together, pretend that it's the love I have for you," He added, before he looked at her for a long time to see whether his words had had any effect on her. "This was me driving away from you tonight," He continued, stretching one side of the rubber band out, "And this is you," He said, lifting the other side of the rubber band up, "My one true love, who I left behind because I thought I was doing the right thing, but really I fucked everything up," He sighed, glancing at her. He felt somewhat victorious when a small smile tugged at her lips, but it disappeared the very moment she saw him looking at her.
He sighed, and wondered what he must have been thinking when he had left her.
"I reached the point where I had to let go of the rubber band, Hanna," He continued, looking over his hands to see her watching him intently. "I had to choose between helping Miranda, letting go of the rubber band that kept me tied to you, or coming back straight to you…" He said as he held his hand out so that Hanna could grab onto the rubber band that represented her. The moment she grabbed it, rolling her eyes, he let go of his end, and the band snapped against her hand.
"Ouch, what the hell Caleb, that hurt!" She growled.
"I know…" He sighed, "And I knew I was going to hurt you, I knew that what I was doing might damage us beyond repair. I knew that I could have broken us forever, but sometimes, things are resistant. Sometimes things are strong enough to bounce back into shape, and go back to what they were before," He whispered into the space between them; she looked at him, an unreadable look on her face.
Then, she laughed, and he groaned in frustration.
"I'm sorry for laughing Caleb," She sniggered, "But I think Ravenswood has affected your brain a bit."
"Not exactly the reaction I was going for," He muttered, "But at least you stopped scowling at me."
"You're the one comparing us to a rubber band and asking me not to laugh," She giggled; he flushed in embarrassment. In his head, it had sounded so much better.
Caleb scooted closer to her on the bed, and grinned when she didn't move away from him. He leaned forward, so that their faces were close. "Does that mean that the rubber band connecting us remains unaffected?" He asked her.
"Depends," She replied as she sat up on the bed, effectively moving away from him in order to keep herself from getting lost in his hazel eyes, her legs crossed as she studied his face. "Did you let go of the rubber band to see Miranda?"
"I did," He swallowed, "I let go of you, Hanna, I let go of us, to see Miranda," He admitted – there was no point in lying now.
"I had made my mind up about coming back to you before I even saw her. However, I still wanted to talk to her face to face, because I knew how much she needed me. But how was I supposed to be there for her, when I needed someone else to keep me grounded? I couldn't help her, because all I needed was you, Hanna. You're all I need." He took a deep breath in before continuing, "I'm not a whole without you, I don't function without you," He was nearly begging her now. He reached out for her hands, and relief filled him when she didn't pull away, instead enclosing his larger hand in between her small ones.
"Being apart from you only causes me more pain. You are my light, my strength, and my home, Hanna Marin."
And I know every day you say it
But I just want you to be sure
That I'm yours
However much she had laughed at Caleb for his weird rubber band speech, however much it had devastated her to watch him leave, his sincerity shone through in the way that he was looking at her, begging her to forgive him. The way that he had never given up on them, and the knowledge their time apart had hurt him as much as it had hurt her was enough for her.
It would always be enough.
Caleb watched her close her eyes; he stared at her a little longer to see her leaning in towards him.
Their lips connected as soon as he closed his eyes. Her soft lips brushed against his, their mouths moving together in a slow and gentle kiss. He trailed his hand over her cheek, running it through her hair in order to pull her closer. He traced his tongue over her lips, and she granted him access without thinking.
He moaned into her mouth as soon as his tongue swept across hers, the familiar sweet taste that was his Hanna, his everything, surrounding him and pulling him in. She wrapped her hands around his neck, keeping him as close as possible as she lay back down on her bed, taking him with her as he kissed her passionately.
He pulled away, breaking the kiss in order to look at her, to take in her beauty and the authenticity of the moment. She stared back at him uncertainly, trying to understand why he had pulled back.
"Caleb?"
Their eyes locked, and a smile tugged at the corner of his lips before he kissed her forehead softly. He waited for her to open her eyes again before he spoke.
"I'm yours, Hanna, I'll always be yours."
_
And I know every day you say it
But I just want you to be sure
That I'm yours
Please review and let me know what you think.
Jane