Notes: Erm…I don't really know if you're allowed to take her exact words and stick them in, but I did anyway. I'll take this story off if it's not allowed, but please don't flame me. I'm not accepting flames. This is sort of a humorous fanfic. Try it and see if you like it.
Disclaimer: I don't own YuGiOh, I don't own Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, and I don't own any of the lines from the book. To sum it up, I own nothing.
"I'm bored," Joey proclaimed.
"Shut up, pup, that's the twentieth time you've said that in the last two minutes!"
"That's like…" Tea's fingers were flying over the paper. "…one every six seconds."
Malik looked about to strangle her.
Tea smiled innocently. "It's not my fault I'm a genius."
Kaiba mumbled, "You? Genius? Ha. As if."
"I heard that," Tea said loudly.
"How about a duel?" Ryou suggested.
Yami held a hand to his forehead. "Please, no more duels. That's all we've been doing for the whole morning."
"Hmm. I never thought I'd see the day that the King of Games would get sick of dueling."
"Hey, the day will come that you'll stop producing dueling technology," Yami mumbled. "Just you wait."
"Well, what are we going to do?" Yugi demanded. "We're just sitting here throwing insults at each other."
A blue/black portal opened up in the air above Joey and a thick hardcover book slammed right onto his head.
"Ow!" he complained, as everyone else snickered. "Hey, how would you like it if a big book dropped onto your head?"
"Oh, I'd like it very much," Bakura said sarcastically.
"What's it called?" Malik asked.
"Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone."
"What kind of a name is that?" Yami snapped.
"Open it and see what it's about!"
Joey threw the book to Yugi. "You open it!" he complained. "I refuse to read a book! It's spring break for goodness sakes!"
Yugi opened it. "Chapter One- The Boy Who Lived."
"Hmph," Malik snorted. "He wouldn't be alive if I had tried to kill him." And he brandished his Millennium Rod in a rather threatening way.
"Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much."
Yami scoffed. "When people are normal, nothing interesting ever happens! Why are we reading this book in the first place?"
Everyone but Yugi shrugged, because he was continuing.
"They were the last people you'd expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn't hold with such nonsense. Mr. Dursley was the director of a firm called Grunnings, which made-"
"Duel disks," Kaiba said.
"Chew toys," Tea suggested.
"Yeah, for the puppy," Kaiba snickered, indicating Joey, who bristled.
"Watch your mouth, Kaiba," Joey muttered.
"TVs!" Ryou said.
"Hamburgers and french fries and donuts and cheese and ice cream and cake and…" Joey rambled on and on.
"To sum up what he said, food," Tristan said.
"Drills," Yugi said.
Everyone fell down anime style.
"He was a big, beefy man-" Yugi was cut off again by Joey.
"Beef? Yum."
Mai snickered.
"Figures. The only thing he ever thinks about is food," Tea said in an exasperated voice.
"GUYS! IF YOU DON'T STOP INTERRUPTING ME WE'LL NEVER GET TO THE INTERESTING PART!" Yugi screamed.
Everyone shut up quickly. Yugi continued with the story.
"As I was saying, he was a big, beefy man with hardly any neck, although he did have a very large mustache. Mrs. Dursley was thin and blonde and had nearly twice the usual amount of neck, which came in very useful as she spent so much of her time craning over garden fences, spying on the neighbors."
"Spying on the neighbors??" Tea shrieked. "That's just rude! Some people deserve some privacy, I mean, the things that could go on in a house!"
Tristan and Joey grinned slyly at her. She noticed the look.
"EW NOT THAT WAY YOU PERVERTS!" And she smacked them right on their face.
"Ow," Joey and Tristan said simultaneously, rubbing the red handprints that were appearing fast on their faces.
The Dursleys had a small son called Dudley and in their opinion-"
He was cut off by Malik. "He was the fattest, ugliest, and stupidest kid in the whole wide world."
Everyone snickered.
"Grr…" Yugi said. "Anyway. The Dursleys had a small son called Dudley and in their opinion there was no finer boy anywhere."
Everyone fell down anime style again. "With such ugly parents, how could the boy be any better? Especially with this thing called 'inheritance'," Yami said.
"Well, since both his parents are fat and beefy, the boy must be even fatter and even more beefy, which makes him a very tasty boy," Joey concluded.
"You know, for once that made sense, even though it was about food," Kaiba said.
Bakura snickered.
"The Dursleys had everything they wanted, but they also had a secret, and their greatest fear was that somebody would discover it. They didn't think they could bear it if anyone found out about-"
"How they were cannibals and ate all their neighbors," Bakura said.
"How Dudley was born with absolutely zero brain cells and he had to get an operation to get the brain cells put in his head," Malik said.
"I don't think you can do that, even with an operation," Mai said.
"Whatever," Malik said. "It's a good secret."
"About the Potters," Yugi said.
"What kind of a secret is that?" Yami demanded.
"Yeah, what's so secret about a bunch of people who sit around in a workshop all day making clay pots and stuff?" Tristan asked.
"Potters with a capital 'P'," Yugi said, starting to get annoyed with all the interruptions. "It's a name."
Comprehension flashed over everyone's face.
"Anyway, Mrs. Potter was Mrs. Dursley's sister, but they hadn't met for several years; in fact, Mrs. Dursley pretended she didn't have a sister, because her sister and her good-for-nothing husband were as unDursleyish as it was possible to be."
"I congratulate them," Tea said. "Anyone who isn't like the Dursleys is a friend of mine!"
"The Dursleys shuddered to think what the neighbors would say if the Potters arrived in the street. The Dursleys knew that the Potters had a small son, too, but they had never even seen him."
"What does the second sentence have to do with the first sentence?" Mai asked.
Yugi shrugged. "Ask the book," he said, pointing accusingly at it.
"More like, ask the author," Kaiba said. "Anyway, continue."
"This boy was another good reason for keeping the Potters away; they didn't want Dudley mixing with a child like that. When Mr. and Mrs. Dursley woke up on the dull, gray Tuesday our story starts-"
"But it already started!" Joey whined.
"Good point," Yami said.
Yugi ignored them. "When Mr. and Mrs. Dursley woke up on the dull, gray Tuesday our story starts, there was nothing about the cloudy sky outside to suggest that strange and mysterious things would soon be happening all over the country. Mr. Dursley hummed as he picked out his most boring tie for work, and Mrs. Dursley gossiped away happily as she wrestled a screaming Dudley into his high chair."
"Mrs. Dursley needs to go fly a kite," Malik said. (A/N: At our school, the girls were sort of…getting in trouble because they gossiped a lot, so the administrator told us to tell any person gossiping to go fly a kite.)
Everyone nodded, grinning.
"None of them noticed a large, tawny owl flutter past the window. At half-past eight, Mr. Dursley picked up his briefcase, pecked Mrs. Dursley on the cheek-"
"Ow," Yami said, holding his cheek. "Mr. Dursley's beak must be sharp. I wonder why the author didn't mention that he had a beak before."
Everyone snickered except Yugi who sighed impatiently. "It's just a thing that people do," he said. "They don't really have beaks."
"Oh," Yami said.
"Anyway, after he pecked her on the cheek, he tried to kiss Dudley good-bye but missed because Dudley was now having a tantrum and throwing his cereal at the walls."
"Spoiled brat," Tea muttered.
"That's a waste of perfectly good food!" Joey exclaimed indignantly. "Well, unless the cereal was stale."
"'Little tyke,' chortled Mr. Dursley as he left the house. He got into his car and backed out of number four's drive."
"But since he wasn't good at putting the car in reverse, he accidentally made the car go forward and it smashed half the house's windows into nothing but fine shards of glass," Marik said.
Everyone snickered.
"And after he finally put the car into reverse, he ran over the mailbox, trampled half the grass of the lawn, and drove onto the sidewalk opposite their house, which happened to have a lot of dogs and cats running around in the yard," Bakura added. "He ran over half of them and that incurred the wrath of the others, who chased him all the way down the drive before being flattened by another car coming in the opposite direction."
Everyone snickered.
"That's not what happened!" Yugi said.
Everyone pouted. "Well, what happens then?" they all chorused.
"Nothing! He successfully backed his car out of the drive without anything happening!" Yugi shrieked.
"Bah," Joey retorted disgustedly. "They need more action in this story."
"Continuing with the story…It was on the corner of the street that he noticed the first sign of something peculiar- a cat reading a map. For a second, Mr. Dursley didn't realize what he had seen- then he jerked his head around to look again."
"Which caused him to get in a major accident," Yami said.
"And the moral of the story is…never take your eyes off the road. The end," Mai declared.
"There's still like…307 pages left in the book!" Yugi said. "That's not the end!"
"Fine, fine, continue," Mai said.
"There was a tabby cat standing on the corner of Privet Drive, but there wasn't a map in sight. What could he have been thinking of? It mist have been a trick of the light. Mr. Dursley blinked and stared at the cat. It stared back."
"Whoo-hoo! Staring contest!" Tristan whooped.
"I bet the cat will win," Tea said. "They don't need to blink."
"They don't??" everyone questioned.
"Well, I don't think they do…" (A/N: I don't really know if cats need to blink or not.)
"As Mr. Dursley drove around the corner and up the road, he watched the cat in his mirror. It was now reading the sign that said Privet Drive- no, looking at the sign; cats couldn't read maps or signs. Mr. Dursley gave himself a little shake and put the cat out of his mind. As he drove toward town he thought of nothing except a large order of drills he was hoping to get that day. But on the edge of town-"
"He drove over a bridge, which collapsed. The moral of the story is never to drive over bridges," Mai said. "The end."
"NO IT'S NOT THE END!" Yugi bellowed. "But on the edge of town, drills were driven out of his mind by something else. As he sat in the usual morning traffic jam, he couldn't help noticing that there seemed to be a lot of strangely dressed people about. People in cloaks. Mr. Dursley couldn't bear people who dressed in funny clothes- the getups you saw on young people! He supposed this was some stupid new fashion. He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel and his eyes fell on a huddle of those weirdos standing quite close by. They were whispering excitedly together."
"A football game? In the middle of the street?" Joey wondered.
"Who said it was a pep talk?" Malik asked.
"Besides, people don't play football in cloaks," Ryou said.
"Mr. Dursley was enraged to see that a couple of them weren't young at all; why, that man had to be older than he was, and wearing an emerald-green cloak! The nerve of him!"
"What's wrong with wearing green cloaks?" Tristan asked.
"Remember, this Dursley family doesn't like seeing anything out of the ordinary," Yugi said. "But then it struck Mr. Dursley that this was probably some silly stunt- these people were obviously collecting for something…yes, that would be it. The traffic moved on and a few minutes later, Mr. Dursley arrived in the Grunnings parking lot, his mind back on drills. Mr. Dursley always sat with his back to the window in his office on the ninth floor. If he hadn't he might have found it harder to concentrate on drills that morning."
"How do people concentrate on drills?" Kaiba demanded. "Duel disks, yes. Drills, no!"
Everyone shrugged.
"He didn't see the owls swooping past in broad daylight, though people down in the street did; they pointed and gazed open-mouthed as owl after owl sped overhead. Most of them had never seen an owl even at nighttime. Mr. Dursley, however, had a perfect normal, owl-free morning He yelled at five different people. He made several important telephone calls and shouted a bit more."
"Geez, this person likes to yell a lot," Mai said.
"He was in a very good mood until lunchtime, when he-"
"Ran out of people to shout at," Bakura said.
Ryou snickered.
"No, when he thought he'd stretch his legs and walk across the road to buy himself a bun from the bakery. He'd forgotten all about the people in cloaks until he passed a group of them next to the baker's. He eyed them angrily as he passed. He didn't know why, but they made him uneasy."
"It's easy to see why! He's friggin paranoid, that's why!"
Everyone chuckled.
"This bunch was whispering excitedly, too, and he couldn't see a single collecting tin. It was on his way back past them, clutching a large doughnut in a bag, that he caught a few words of what they were saying."
"Doughnut…" Joey said dreamily, and Tristan had to catch him as he toppled over backwards, lost in his fantasies of food.
"They were saying, 'The Potters, that's right, that's what I heard-' and '-yes, their son, Harry-'. Mr. Dursley stopped dead."
"I think the author got the 'st' of stopped wrong. It should be 'dropped dead'," Yami said.
Everyone snickered.
"But did he literally stop dead?" Mai wanted to know.
Ryou shook his head.
"Damn," everyone said.
"Fear flooded him."
"Let's hope he can swim!" Malik joked.
"Let's hope he can't swim," Tristan said. "Then he'll drown."
Everyone nodded.
"He looked back at the whisperers as if he wanted to say something to them, but thought better of it. He dashed back across the road, hurried up to his office, snapped at his secretary not to disturb him, seized his telephone, and had almost finished dialing his home number when he changed his mind. He put the receiver back down and stroked his mustache, thinking…no, he was being-"
"Idiotic," Malik supplied.
"Stupid," Bakura suggested.
"Moronic," Yami said.
"Bakura got it! He was being stupid. Potter wasn't such an unusual name. He was sure there were lots of people called Potter who had a son called Harry."
"Actually, who'd want to name themselves after a clay worker?" Kaiba asked. "It's lame."
Everyone shrugged.
"Come to think of it," Yugi continued, "he wasn't even sure his nephew was called Harry. He'd never even seen the boy. It might have been Harvey. Or Harold. There was no point in worrying Mrs. Dursley; she always got so upset at any mention of her sister. He didn't blame her- if he'd had a sister like that…but all the same, those people in cloaks…"
"The people in cloaks what??" everyone demanded.
"Were stupid," Malik finished up.
"Nope," Yugi said, snapping the book shut after putting a bookmark in it. "That's all for today."
"Please???" Ryou asked. "It's an interesting book."
Yugi shook his head. "I'll read more tomorrow, but it's getting late and you guys should get home."
"Hey, it's already dark!" Tristan exclaimed.
"My parents are going to kill me!" Tea shrieked, and they all high-tailed it out of the room.
Well, that was sort of humorous… Again, I'm not accepting flames. Please R+R! If I get a good response, I'll continue with the rest of the chapter…and then maybe the whole book…I don't know. And again, please let me know if I'm not allowed to copy the stuff out of the book, even though I said I didn't own it. I'll take it off if it offends anyone. Thanks for reading!
~DarkMagicianGirl~