Chapter 1
The Return of Ryoko
I thought that this summer would finally give me a break from the bizarre occurrences at the SOS Brigade. Of course, as it always seems to be since I met Haruhi, I was wrong, as Haruhi had called a special meeting of the SOS Brigade, right in the middle of July. I thought she was kidding when she told us all to meet in the same classroom we always met at during the school year. Surely the school would have it locked up, right? But no, I was able to walk right into the school without any trouble, as I headed to the club room.
"Kyon, you're late! Penalty!" Haruhi yelled as I entered the room.
I couldn't care less about a penalty right now. I wanted to know why she was there – she being Ryoko Asakura, the class president who had tried to kill me. Didn't Nagato delete her or something? Then why is she standing right next to Haruhi?
"Kyon, Asakura's returned from her time in Canada, and she wants to take the SOS Brigade on a trip!" Haruhi announced.
A trip? Where, to some place where she can attempt to kill me again?
"Uh, okay," I responded. "Where exactly are we going, Miss Asakura?"
"We're going to the Olympics in China!" the sweet Ryoko exclaimed.
The Olympics? Is she serious? Does this girl have any idea how much it costs to go to China, period?
"The Agency will be funding our trip, right, Koizumi?" Ryoko stated.
"Right, Miss Asakura," the smiling Itsuki Koizumi replied.
Okay, so it's just a vacation. As long as I keep on watch at all times, and perhaps have Nagato around me, I should be safe from Asakura's attacks, and maybe things will be okay.
"All right, I guess so," I said. "So when are we going? The Olympics don't start until-"
"Our plane leaves tomorrow," Ryoko replied. "Please meet us at the airport by noon."
Tomorrow? This has to be some sort of trap! The Olympics don't start for a few weeks! What is wrong with this girl?
"You better be on time, Kyon!" Haruhi shouted at me.
"All right," I sighed, shrugging my shoulders.
"You may bring your sister along, if she wants to come," the voice of the beautiful Mikuru Asahina told me.
I don't want to put my sister in harm's way, but if Miss Asahina says it's okay, I'm sure she'll be fine. Besides, not even Asakura could bear to attack my sister.
"Okay, I will," I responded.
I walked out of that club room perhaps more confused than I've ever been any other time before. Asakura's back, and the rest of the SOS Brigade just accepts her? Plus she's taking us to the Olympics? This is even more befuddling than that "closed space" stuff Koizumi's always going on about.
So the next morning, I was there at the airport with my sister, meeting up with Yuki Nagato, apparently the first one to get there. I was just about to ask her about Asakura, when Miss Asahina showed up with Tsuruya-san and that strange Emiri Kimidori girl who we helped some time ago.
"Hi, Kyon!" Tsuruya greeted me. "This is going to be megas fun, nyoro? We're going to the Olympics! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
Tsuruya continued laughing while Koizumi showed up with Taniguchi and Kunikida. Just what I need, those two along to get a laugh every time Haruhi puts me in an embarrassing situation.
"So, Kyon, I hear that AA+ girl is coming," Taniguchi told me. "I'm glad she returned from her trip to Canada."
Count yourself as the only one, buddy.
"We're here!" Haruhi screamed, walking into the airport with Asakura. Of course, she would have to make a big deal about it, but why is she so buddy-buddy with Asakura now?
"Seems like we've got a whole big party here," Koizumi remarked.
"Hey, big brother, can I hang out with Haruhi?" my sister asked.
"Uh, not right now," I replied nervously, seeing Asakura right at Haruhi's side.
It only figures that my sister would want to walk right into danger… this is going to be harder than I thought.
"Okay, everyone, Mikuru will be passing out the plane tickets to everyone," Haruhi announced. "And you've got to take the seat you've given – no trading tickets!"
Wait a minute, she already has the tickets purchased? How did she figure we'd get 11 people? Maybe she just bought a whole bunch and there will be a bunch extra.
"Here's yours, and here's yours…" I could hear Mikuru saying to Taniguchi and Kunikida, giving them their tickets.
Mikuru went around handing out tickets to everyone, finally coming up to my sister and me.
"And you get the last ticket, Kyon," the lovely Mikuru told me.
Somehow, whoever purchased these plane tickets bought exactly eleven of them, and we ended up with eleven people. Okay, so maybe they guessed right, it's just a small coincidence…
"Hey, Kyon!" my sister shouted. "I've got ticket number 8! What's your ticket number?"
"4," I sighed. This means that I won't be sitting next to my sister, which could be good, and it could be bad.
"Come on, let's go to the gate!" Haruhi called, leading our pack of misfits farther into the airport.
Something just doesn't make sense about this… everything's coming out just perfectly… and if I know Koizumi well, he's about to sneak up to me and tell me-
"Haruhi's planned this all," the ever-present Koizumi whispered in my ear.
"How do you know?" I asked him.
"Think about it – exactly 11 tickets, Miss Asakura reappearing after a long absence, Miss Kimidori returning as well… it's no coincidence," he replied.
At least if everything else is unpredictable, Koizumi's rants about Haruhi are always the same.
"Yeah, well, just keep an eye on Miss Asakura for me," I told him.
"Why's that?" Koizumi asked with that ever-annoying smile.
"I just have a bad feeling about her presence," I replied.
"Oh, I'm sure there's nothing to worry about," Koizumi stated.
Easy for you to say, as she didn't try to kill you!
I boarded the plane, following the rest of our party members. I walked to seat 4, which was next to seat 3, containing none other than Miss Asakura.
"Hello again," Asakura told me sweetly.
"Uh, hi," I replied nervously, sitting down next to her.
Good thing this is a seat on the aisle!
"I'll let you sit by the window if you want," Asakura suggested.
"Uh, no, I think I feel just fine right here, Miss Asakura," I responded.
"Oh, please, just call me Ryoko," Asakura said with a smile.
What is she getting so friendly for? Is this another trap of hers?
"Okay, Ryoko," I answered her.
This is going to be the longest plane trip of my life – both literally and figuratively. Well, at least I hope it is, because otherwise that would mean… oh, I don't want to think about it.
"So, Kyon, how have you been since I left?" Ryoko asked.
A lot better, that's for sure, when I don't have my life being endangered by a craven class president.
"Everything's been, uh, interesting," I responded.
That's about as truthful of a response as I could possibly give.
"Really? I wish I'd been there with you all this time," she replied, putting her left hand on my leg.
Okay, this has got to be a trap. First Asakura appears out of nowhere, then she's sitting next to me on a plane, and now she's making advances on me? There has to be a way out of this…
"Um, Ryoko, I really hate to tell you this, but I'm sort of, uh, with Miss Asahina," I told her.
I may really regret that lie…
"Oh, I'm sorry," Ryoko replied, pulling her hand away quickly. "I really don't want to get in the way."
Is she really being nice, or did I greatly anger her, and give her more reason to kill me? Whatever the reason, I can't wait to get away from her…
As it turned out, the plane ride ended with few problems, as Miss Asakura allowed me to sleep for most of the ride. We got off the plane and were immediately greeted by some important-looking people in suits.
"Are you from the Japanese Olympic soccer team?" one of the men asked me.
"Uh, no, we just are tourists," I replied.
"Don't lie to us! That plane was to hold the members of our national soccer team!" another man shouted. "You have to be the team!"
Is this guy crazy or something? We sure aren't any soccer players, we don't even look like a team.
"Hey, Kyon, let me handle this," Haruhi told me, pressing her way to the front of our group.
If Haruhi's handling things, we are only doomed for more trouble.
"Yes, sir, we are the Japanese soccer team, and we're going to win a gold medal for our country!" Haruhi exclaimed.
"But this is supposed to be the men's team…" the first man replied.
"Are you trying to be sexist? Are you trying to say that we girls can't do things that men can? I can't believe you'd say something like that!" Haruhi shouted.
"Oh, no, no, not at all," the first man responded. "We were just surprised that they'd allow women on the men's team."
"Come with us," the second man said. "We'll show you to the Olympic Village, where you'll be staying, as well as the practice fields."
Are these guys nuts? They actually believe Haruhi! This is even more improbable than most things she pulls off!
"Well, follow me," the first man told us.
So we followed the men to a bus, which we boarded. And unbelievably, we were being taken to the Olympic Village.
"Isn't this great, Kyon?" Haruhi asked me. "We're going to be playing in the Olympics!"
Yeah, it's going to be great when we're discovered as frauds and get arrested for trying to cheat real athletes out of their Olympic dream.
"Uh, sure," I answered her. "But we aren't soccer players… we're not going to play very well."
"Why, that's what the practice fields are for!" Haruhi exclaimed. "We'll put a whole lot of hard work into our training, and in a few weeks we'll be ready to win the gold medal!"
I wonder if they give out a medal for last-place teams that fail to score a single goal in the Olympics, because that's what we'll be winning, even if we train 24/7.
So we unpacked all our stuff in our new temporary homes in the Olympic Village. At least Haruhi let me stay with my sister, instead of forcing me to room with the insufferable Koizumi and all his rants. But only an hour after we had settled in, Haruhi demanded that we begin practicing right away. She had one of the officials drive us to the practice field.
"Okay, everyone, listen up!" Haruhi announced. "I'm the coach of this team, so you'll all be following my lead! Everyone grab a soccer ball and start practicing!"
"Um, may I ask what we're supposed to practice?" I questioned our new coach.
"Everything! Don't play stupid, Kyon!" Haruhi replied. "Offense, defense, making saves, you name it!"
Well, it's safe to say that Haruhi won't be up for any Coach of the Year awards any time soon. In a matter of minutes, the field was full of chaos, as the SOS Brigade and its newfound friends were kicking balls all over the place. I was attempting to practice controlling the ball with my feet, when Ryoko came up to me.
"Kyon, why don't we have some one-on-one practice?" Ryoko asked me. "You play goalie and I'll shoot penalty kicks."
"Um, okay," I responded, not even thinking of the possibilities. Ryoko, shooting at me? This could be trouble. Maybe the balls she's going to kick at me are actually bombs.
"Here goes!" Ryoko called, from the penalty mark.
She kicked the ball perfectly, right into the top-left corner of the net, while I dived in vain trying to stop it. She then giggled at my poor attempt at a save.
"Oh, I'm sorry, you probably didn't know how good I was," Ryoko told me.
Yeah, I didn't think she had skills outside of her incredible murdering abilities. I'm surprised she didn't just kick the ball right at my head in an attempt to injure me.
"Here comes another one!" she called.
This one she kicked straight on the ground, and in my clumsiness I let it go right through the five-hole for a goal. She put her hand over her mouth, giggling again.
"I guess I'm not very good at this," I sighed.
"You'll get better with practice," she told me.
Well, it's possible that if she kicks one hundred penalty kicks at me, I may stop one, and that would improve my save percentage to 1%, so I guess she's right that I'll get better with practice.
"Hey, Kyon! What's going on over there?" Haruhi screamed at me.
"We're practicing penalty kicks," I shouted back to the angry Haruhi.
"I can see that," Haruhi responded with annoyance. "But you're stinking it up over there! Come on, an Olympic goalie can't allow goals like that!"
Maybe that's because I'm not an Olympic goalie, just a high school student who's on a bizarre vacation.
"You'd better start making saves, or I'll bench you!" Haruhi yelled.
While I counted the ways that Haruhi's latest statement didn't make any sense, considering we have only 11 players, and that this is only a practice, Ryoko shot another penalty kick at me. This time, I was able to dive to the right and barely stop it from going in.
"Nice save," Ryoko called to me.
Save. That's an appropriate word for this situation. As in, someone save me!