Otabek came into the room like a tornado, pissed off and fire behind his eyes. JJ flinched the minute he headed towards him and jumped off his bed.
"What the hell was that, Jean?" he yelled as he corners JJ to the wall. Otabek's face was red and a the small vein over his temple prominent and in plain view. Slamming his hands to each side of JJ's head, there was a low growl in coming from Otabek.
"What do you mean?" those blue eyes asked as they looked down on him.
"Out on rink today, what was that?" Otabek growled out as he kept JJ pinned but not touching him.
"Practice."
"You are lying and you're hiding something," Otabek said as he glared up at JJ.
"I don't know what you are talking about… what do you care? You're leaving in a week anyway," JJ said before he pushed Otabek away and moved over towards his bed. Otabek stumbled back and caught himself on his own bed. They had shared a room since he moved out to Canada for the last year and JJ was getting upset the closer to time it was to Otabek leaving.
"Oh so that is what this is about? Because I'm leaving?" Otabek asked. He figured he would get the obvious question out of the way first.
JJ shrugged his shoulders. He knew that was exactly what it was about. Otabek had come to Canada and they had shared so much in that last year. Late night talks when they couldn't sleep, different crushed on other junior skaters, first kisses (with each other) and many other first.
"So you decide to cut me off before I do my jump so I fall on my ass?" Otabek asked as he went towards JJ bed and sat at the foot of it.
JJ shrugged his shoulders again and picked at the skin around his fingers. Otabek reached out and grabbed his hand.
"Jean, why did you do that? We could have collided…" Otabek asked.
"I… don't know," JJ answered.
Otabek sighed, he was not going to get a real answer out of JJ at the moment, and he knew it was pointless to keep at it. Otabek was still mad but he knew JJ was also upset over everything. Otabek was moving to California to train with some kid named Leo for a bit. JJ knew this day was going to come, he knew Otabek was only here for a year.
"Stay."
It was a simple word. One word, but it was not what Otabek wanted to hear. JJ would only give him one word, but he needed three words. Three simple words. He knew they sat at the tip of JJ's tongue, played in his mind, but he would not speak them.
"I told you what would keep me here," Otabek said as he went to get his stuff together for leaving. He knew JJ would never say those words, never say what he wanted to hear, what would keep him here.
There was a distinctive sigh that came from JJ's bed as he laid back, his hands over his face as he groaned.
"Why do I have to say it? Why are you making this complicated?" JJ asked as he removed his hands from his face and sat back up to look at Otabek.
"Maybe I need to hear them," Otabek said.
"What? So I can be you boyfriend? You can change your relationship status on facebook and stop watching videos of that blonde Russian boy?" JJ asked.
Otabek had heard enough, "YES! Dammit yes! Let me hear them so it is not just us talking all night as we lay in the same bed and jerk each other off. Maybe I need a reason to stay. Did you ever think of that? If this is just a fling for you…"
JJ jumped up from the bed and rushed over where Otabek was and wrapped his arms around Otabek, that smaller body pressing into him.
"Dammit, Altin. You are not a fling. Would I be this upset with you leaving for it to be a fling?" JJ asked Otabek.
Otabek pressed his head into JJ's chest, shaking it, "Maybe I need to not feel like your dirty little secret."
JJ held Otabek tighter. He could not give him what he wanted. He could not be out like Otabek was. He was raised differently, it was a sin and had to be more careful.
"You would never be my secret… What I am is a secret," JJ whispered.
Otabek pushed away from JJ and glared at him, "Oh, so you can run off with some girl and what do I do then? Just accept it."
"But I'm not with anyone! Just you!"
"For now? But for how long Jean? I mean, you are a gorgeous guy, you are sixteen… won't it be odd for you to always be single?"
JJ shrugged again, "I don't care if they think I am odd."
"But you do if they think you're a fag," Otabek hissed out.
"Dammit, Altin," JJ said and slammed his hand on his desk, "You want me to admit it? Fine! I'm queer ok? How many ways you want me to say it? I'm gay… I'm a fag! Is that what you want to hear?"
Otabek shook his head, "Those aren't the words I want to hear and you know it."
JJ shook his head, "You know what, pack your shit then. I'm tired of this conversation."
With that JJ left the room- their room. The room they had shared for the last year. The room they had laughed, cried and came together in. Otabek sat on his bed and shook his head. Pulling out his laptop, he confirmed his flight for the next week. It was not late, but Otabek was emotionally exhausted. He did not care it was only eight in the evening, he showered and went to bed.
A little while later, a dip in his bed woke him and JJ was wrapping his arms around him. Otabek sighed and rubbed the arms that held him tightly.
"I can't say it because I am scared, ok?" JJ whispered as he kissed at Otabek's neck.
"It is just three words."
Turning so he could face JJ, he knew those blue eyes would be shining with tears. He traced JJ's face in the darkened room with his fingers and kissed his forehead. It would be weird not being in this room anymore. He had started to feel at home there and loved having JJ around.
JJ kissed him and Otabek kissed back. JJ may not be able to say those three words, but he could express them. Otabek did not know if that made him feel better or worse. JJ's kisses were deep and desperate. If he could convey how he felt through his mouth non verbally, he was definitely trying. Otabek needed more, he needed the verbal confirmation. He did not spend the last year opening himself and his heart to only be kept in the dark and the words not returned to him.
Hands pulling at his hair and Otabek's head was pulled back as JJ's lips traveled over the front of this throat and licked at the cords in his neck. Otabek moaned and allowed those lips of JJ to cloud his mind of those words he wanted to hear, those words he had given JJ months ago, but were never returned. JJ's hands were like magic on his skin and Otabek arched and moved to those hands as they molded him how JJ wanted him. Otabek would do almost anything JJ ever wanted from him- but he needed to hear them.
"Jean… please," Otabek begged out as JJ started to push his hips against him.
Otabek begged please, a please that could mean so many things. A please for an orgasm, a please to stay, a please to keep kissing him, a please that could mean one of many things. Otabek begged and JJ continued to work his mouth on him.
It never took them long, being sixteen they could get off on almost anything. A few minutes of dry humping and they were both moaning and panting into each other's mouths. A few tissues and new pajama bottoms later, Otabek was rested with his head on JJ's chest, listening to his heartbeat.
JJ never did say those words. It crushed Otabek. He had poured his heart out to JJ that year he was there. He smiled, he laughed, he even cried. They both cried the last night he was there. Laying in his twin bed, holding onto one another. Otabek just knew JJ would say them before the week was out.
They never came. As Otabek sat on he plane, he looked out the window as the clouds moved passed him. He was headed to California for a year.
There was so much he had learned in Canada. He learned you cannot expect someone to do something so easy. You cannot make someone love you.
Otabek vowed he would keep his emotions in check. He had left his heart in Canada and allowed a wall to be built around his heart. No more would he show how he felt, no more would he open his heart to anyone.
When he landed and met Leo, he kept his face emotionless. All he wanted to do was cry and hide in his room. Otabek threw himself into his skating. Leo thought Otabek was strange. He never spoke much and he never showed any emotion. Leo never knew the nights that Otabek laid in bed and waited to hear something from JJ- anything.
Those three words never came, and years to come, Otabek had built that wall higher and stronger around his heart. Otabek saw the engagement announcement for JJ and Isabella. His heart was so built up, he felt nothing. He even liked the post on Instagram and sent well wishes.
Otabek had to wonder if JJ said those three words to her.