This is my first fanfiction, so I hope it is alright. I'm open to any ways in which I can make my writing better. I wrote some Sansa and Ned headcanons on tumblr, and then I was asked if I would write a fic based on this prompt: 'Ned isn't executed but is locked in the black cells. Sansa's experience in KL continues as it did before, but she's allowed to visit her father, who is in poor shape, every week/month. They both deal with their guilt, fear and most importantly, their desperate attempts to look after the other despite the real limitations their situations place them in'. I hope this fic fits the prompt right
This was the sixteenth time she had visited. He counted every time, it was the only thing he had to hold on to. Ned felt that it was both a blessing and a curse that he was allowed to see his daughter once a week. Of course, it was a blessing; she is his little girl and seeing her would always make him happy. He could talk with her, assure her that he is fine, assure her that everything will be alright. But it was also a curse because he knew what they were doing to her, and every time she enters his cell, he knows he is the reason why she is suffering.
Sansa had always been the gentlest of all the children. It was something he had cherished about her from the moment she was born. She was a tiny little thing, pink and squealing, but when she calmed down and was placed in his arms for the first time, it was the most beautiful moment of his life. This beautiful human in his arms was his daughter, he had made her, and she was perfect, precious from her very first breath. Growing up she dreamed of knights, of marrying a handsome Prince, of being a wonderful mother. Sansa had once asked Ned if he saved Catelyn from an evil villain and that's how they fell in love, and she looked so happy at the prospect of her fantasy being true that Ned simply let out a chuckle and wished her a goodnight. He did not want to tell her that's not how marriages happen, that the real world does not work like that. How could he tell this precious little girl that he married her beloved mother for an army? He had no wish to ruin her dreams, but now he thinks perhaps he should have told her how the world really worked, what people were really like, to save her from the fate she is now enduring.
He felt guilty every time he saw her. By confronting Cersei and wanting to keep her innocent children from harm, he had thrown his own daughter into a nest of vipers. He had chosen her children over his own. That is not what happened, of course, but that is how it felt to him. Her visits taunt him, and his conversation with Cersei plays in his head again and again. He knows why she is allowed to see him, it's Cersei's way of telling him that she has won. It's her way of mocking him, her way of telling him that her children are safe beside her while his child is a hostage. He does feel guilty, but seeing her face is also the only thing that keeps him going, keeps him sane.
He remembers the first time she came to his cell, how brave she was, how much she looked like her mother, but he could see through the façade and knew what she was truly feeling.
Ned heard the door to his cell open, but kept his head down, unable to gather the strength to look up at his captors. He heard gentle footsteps approaching, but still kept his head down when a gentle voiced called out in the darkness.
"Father." Ned's head snapped up at that, and in the darkness made out a silhouette that was his daughter. A guard handed Sansa a single torch so that there was light and then left, locking the door behind him. Ned's first thought was of anger, that the Lannisters were forcing Sansa into this cell as well. Sansa must have seen his face change, because she spoke out again.
"The Queen said I am to visit you weekly so you know that I am being treated well."
"And are you? Being treated well?" Sansa glanced down quickly and avoided looking into his eyes when speaking.
"His Grace treats me with the most respect, My Lord. He is good and gracious and he is a golden lion." Ned grimaced at her words, words that had been forced into her mouth and she's been trained to say them like a raven. Then he realised how she had addressed him.
"Sansa, I am your father, you never have to address me as My Lord. Never. And I promise you never have anything to fear from me." Sansa's eyes watered and she bounded over to him and wrapped her arms around him, sobbing into his shoulder. Ned let her cry for what felt like hours and when she stopped, he looked into her eyes. "Tell me the truth Sansa, how are they treating you?"
He watched as Sansa's lip trembled and saw the fear in her eyes, "I want to go home," she mumbled through more tears that had started to fall, and for what felt like the millionth time since she entered the room, Ned's heart broke for his daughter. "Joffrey does not like it when Robb wins a battle, so he beats me. Everyone at court taunts me, but I can handle that, I can see past their insults. They hurt, but I know that my family are good people, they are not traitors. But when he has his Kingsguard beat me, I feel alone and in pain, surrounded by enemies."
She spent the rest of the time in his arms, trying to remain strong. He cursed himself for letting this happen. He was not sure how much time had passed when the guards returned and took her from the cell, but it was not long enough. Before they dragged her away, she gave him one last hug and whispered in his ear.
"I love you, father." And when she left, for the first time in many years, Ned cried.
A gasp dragged him from his memories and he saw Sansa stood at the door to the cell. He knew this is the worst he has looked in all her visits, it's certainly the weakest he'd felt. Her last few visits have consisted of her taking care of him, rather than the other way around. He is growing weaker by the day in this cell, so weak he is unable to look after his daughter. The thought leaves a vile taste in his mouth. He is supposed to protect and look after Sansa, not the other way around. But it seems to bring her some peace, and so he lets her look after him.
"Father, I brought you some bread. It's a bit stale, Cersei would only allow a traitor to eat stale food." Ned smiled slightly at the disgusted way that Sansa said the word 'traitor'. He does not care if the rest of the world sees him as a traitor who plots to steal thrones from the 'children' of his dead best-friend. But he cannot bear the thought of Sansa believing that of him, and it makes him happier than words can describe that she knows the truth.
She handed him the bread and took a seat next to him, watching him as he slowly ate, savouring each taste. He noticed she looks brighter today, not happy, but there was something different to her demeanour today.
"You seem more cheerful today." Sansa smiled at him then, a true smile.
"Robb won another battle," she told him, eyes bright with love for her older brother. "They say he surprised the Lannister forces again and easily defeated them. He has all the North and the Riverlands fighting with him. He's coming to save us both so we can go home."
Ned smiled slightly at the fact that Sansa still believes in heroes even after all that has happened to her. He has faith in his son, Robb has done so well without him there to guide him, but he cannot help but think of his own first experience of war, wanting to find and save Lyanna, and failing. And Robb is up against more treacherous enemies, so he worries day and night for his son, but does not get his hopes up that he and Sansa will be saved.
"They say he does not ride into battle on a horse, but on Grey Wind instead. That he and his army turn into a pack of wolves and rip their enemies apart. It's not true of course, but I know how brave he is, and I pray day and night for him to triumph. And I tell myself to be brave just like him." Sansa looked down as she finished her glowing report of her brother, her good mood gone. "I want to see him again, to thank him for fighting for both of us. I want mother to braid my hair and sing me to sleep. I want to hug Bran and tell him he is still worthy, he is not broken to me, and to play with Rickon, to make him laugh. I want to make peace with Arya and never fall out again. I want to apologise to Jon for never calling him a true brother. I want to get away from Joffrey. I want Winterfell. I want my home."
Ned sighed deeply, devastated at what life in the capital has done to his daughter. This is the same girl who longed for the capital, to see the knights and tourneys and become a Queen, and now she wanted home. Of course, it warmed him to know that she longed for Winterfell, but he hated that the cause was how cruelly she was being treated here, and not that she simply missed her home. Ned grabbed her hand but Sansa grimaced and pulled away.
"Sansa? What is it?" Sansa looked right into his eyes, and bluntly told him of how Joffrey had pointed the crossbow at her in retaliation for Robb's victory. Of how he had Ser Meryn beat her and strip her naked in front of the whole court. His blood began to boil at the thought of grown men beating his helpless little girl, and he felt a sense of gratitude towards the Imp for stepping in and protecting her.
She looked terrified as she told the tale, and he had seen that face on her before, long ago when she was frightened that monsters would get her during the night.
Ned had reached the door of Sansa's room when she called out to him.
"Papa, will the monsters get me in the night?" Ned turned around and saw that she had sat up in bed after he had just put her down for the night. She clutched her blanket and stuffed animal to her chest, and had tears glistening in her eyes. He walked straight to her, gathered her in his arms and began wiping the silent tears from her face.
"Of course not, princess."
"Wobb and Jon said they come at night and scare girls." She was terrified, but he laughed a little as she still could not pronounce the 'R' in Robb's name. He held her close as she sniffled into his chest, and he made a mental note to ask the boys to stop with their scary stories.
"Robb and Jon should not have said that, I will talk with them both. But they were only trying to scare you Sansa. Monsters do not exist, I promise you that. And even if they did, do you really think your mother and I would let them get you?" She shook her head at that and he continued, "Of course we would not. I will never let anyone harm you, I want you to always remember that."
Sansa calmed down after that so he wrapped her back up in bed, gave her a kiss and then left as she fell asleep.
The memory made his heart constrict in his chest. He promised her that he would never let anyone harm her, and he had broken that promise.
"I try to be brave, father. I really do."
"You are, Sansa. I have put all of us in terrible positions and I hate that, but I am proud of you. I am always proud of you." He took her hand and continued, "When I am free of these dungeons, I swear to you that every man who has laid a hand on you will pay for it. I promise you that."
"I am not brave, I am scared."
"I once told Bran that a man can only be brave when he is afraid. The same rules apply to a woman. Being afraid does not make you any less brave. Even the bravest of people are afraid."
"You're not." Ned shook his head slightly at that.
"I am more afraid now then what I ever have been. I am afraid for you, trapped alone in this city. I am afraid for Robb, fighting a war when he is still just a boy. I am afraid for Arya, wherever she is. I am afraid for your mother, who is no doubt willing to risk anything to see you all safe. I am afraid for Bran, Rickon and Jon, even though they are relatively safe. In truth, Sansa, I have been afraid every day since Robb was born. I fear for my children whenever I am awake."
"But we were safe at Winterfell."
"You were, yes. But things can happen. A fever can kill, an accident on a horse can kill, Bran was attacked by a cutthroat in his own bed. Things happen every day, and I am always afraid that I have not done enough to protect the people who matter most to me. After your Uncle Benjen was born, my mother told me that when you have children, you fear for them every single day, even when they are beside you. She told me that it is a natural response as a parent. I didn't believe her, I laughed at her, but she just looked me in the eye and said 'Ned, when you have your own children, you will understand'. And when I first held Robb, I understood what she meant. This baby was just a few months old, but I was on constant guard for anything that could harm him. And from that day onwards, I have always been afraid."
The cell went quiet for a bit, Sansa taking in everything that Ned had told her.
"What was I like as a baby?" The question startled Ned, he had not expected such a question, but he smiled and answered.
"Quiet. You cried the least of all your siblings. When you did cry, you stopped reasonably quickly. You smiled often and laughed more. You were happy in anyone's arms, me and your mother, Robb and Jon, Benjen, Edmure, anyone." Sansa smiled at that, and inched forward, wanting more. "You were the first baby I held that small, just minutes after you were born. And you were truly tiny, I was afraid you were going to break. I remember everything about that day."
Catelyn's screams had stopped and were replaced by the gentle cry of a newborn. Master Luwin gave the babe to the nursemaid to get cleaned up and turned to his Lord and Lady.
"A girl. Healthy and beautiful." Ned's face lit up and he smiled at his tired wife. He kissed her forehead and then went to collect his daughter, now wrapped up in swaddling clothes.
He took his daughter from the nursemaid and held her in his arms for the first time. He could not believe how tiny she was. He was in awe of this little girl, this perfect little girl. She had red hair and blue eyes like her mother.
"She looks like you," he said as he turned to Catelyn, and the smile she gave warmed him. He looked back to his daughter and his heart burst. She was precious to him already and she was less than an hour old. He walked over to the bed where Catelyn was lying without taking his eyes from his daughter. He did not want to let her go, but he also wanted to see the child in her mother's arms, so he placed her in Catelyn's arms and sat beside her, staring at the beautiful child.
"She needs a name," he said and Catelyn looked up at him as he spoke and she had a smile on her face.
"Sansa." Ned looked to his wife in surprise, he had not realised she knew the name. "I looked at the Stark family tree. I thought it was fitting that our first child born in Winterfell should have a Stark name."
"It's perfect. Sansa Stark." He loved the name, a beautiful name for a beautiful little girl. And he looked back down at the newly named Sansa and knew she would be precious to him for the rest of his life."
The memory of Sansa's birth warmed Ned as he spoke to her. And it cheered Sansa up as well, so he continued.
"We brought Robb and Jon in to see you. They were a little disappointed it was a sister and not a brother, but they looked into your cot and they both vowed to protect you from anything for the rest of their lives." Sansa smiled brightly at that.
"They are."
"They are what?"
"They are protecting me. Robb is fighting the Lannisters to rescue me and Jon is defending the Wall. I know they are both fighting for bigger purposes, but I am still being protected by both of them."
Ned continued to tell Sansa stories from when she was a baby, but her happiness started to leave her, and Ned knew something was wrong.
"Sansa, what is it?" She looked at him and the good mood from recalling memories had quickly been replaced by a feeling of dread for what she was about to say.
"It's my nameday tomorrow." That was not what Ned was expecting. He did not know. How could he? He had been locked in this cell for months and had no way to tell what day it was, but it still upset him that he did not know it was Sansa's nameday tomorrow.
"Oh, Sansa. I'm so sorry I did not know." She shook her head at his apology.
"You had no way to know, I just wanted to tell you."
"Just know I will think of you the whole day." He grew angry again at the thought of her alone on a day when she should be surrounded by loved ones. "If Robb keeps up his good start to his war, you're next nameday will be in Winterfell. And we will make it one to remember."
Ned opened his arms and signalled for her to come to him. He wrapped his arms around her, once again contemplating the bad decisions he has made. He pulled away and was about to say something when the guards opened the door once more and her visit was over. She quickly hugged him once more and he whispered in her ear.
"Happy nameday, Sansa. Stay strong, Princess." He used her childhood nickname and tears were once again glistening in her eyes. She mumbled her goodbye through tears and was led through the door of his cell. He got one last look at his daughter before the door was shut, leaving him in darkness again.
Her visits lifted his spirit there was no doubt, but they also left him broken. Every time she left, Ned felt a part of his heart left too. All he could think of when she left was how he had failed his precious baby girl.