First of all, thanks you so much for your kind words in my first L/J fic. It certainly gave me a boost of confidence to write more.
This one is a way more darker than "Lessons since morning one" as it explores the terrible past of Blake as POW, depression, PTSD and sex. So if these topics are not your cup of tea or are triggering in some way, please stop reading. If you decide to stay and read, hope you enjoy.
Note 1: I don't own TLBM and its characters.
Note 2: English is not my mother tongue so you may find mistakes as you read. I sincerely apologize for them
"Don't let your guard down or the shadows will be back; and they will haunt you down; and they will consume you; and they will destroy you"
Wails were heard in every nook and cranny of the concentration camp seeping through the walls and souls of the prisoners. Many of them didn't survive the living conditions and tortures during the months of 'adaptation'. Those who wouldn't be able to put an end to their lives fell into madness consumed by howls of desperation.
It was impossible to get used to them. Not even the monsoon season would deafen the cries of agony.
Major Lucien Blake wasn't immune to the situation. The rank he wore and his broad, muscular complexion only served to catch the enemy's attention. They found out that tortures and interrogations caused a greater impact when the prisoner didn't keel over at the first blow. Lucien's physical and mental strength allowed them to prolong their cruelty on him for days.
"Don't let your guard down or the shadows will be back; and they will haunt you down; and they will consume you; and they will destroy you"
One night, all alone in that dingy cell at the prisoner camp, he heard those words from a bright young soldier. He had been a scholar before war, with a life full of opportunities ahead of him. Now, there was little left of his old self and those words were the only ones that came from his mouth until the night he died.
Lucien promised himself that he would survive for that young chap and use those words as his armour. He repeated them over and over again as they worked on the Railway of Death, during confinements, sleep deprivation nights, deathly beatings...
When it was all over, those words were kept locked and hidden in the deepest corner of his mind. And it was all well.
Until the day everything began again.
He had been missing for three days when Matthew Lawson and his men found him; disoriented, dehydrated and beaten half to death. Last thing they'd heard from him was his plan to go to a junkyard on the outskirts of Bendigo in search of clues about the two missing teenage girls.
If it hadn't been for his last conversation with Charlie Davies and the notes left in his study and found by Jean, the coppers wouldn't have been able to locate his whereabouts, nearly 30 miles away from the junkyard, in that dark, wet and suffocating hole. Just like the one he spent 40 days in for stealing a can of pineapple.
"Don't let your guard down or the shadows will be back. Shadows will be back..."
In the brief moments he regained consciousness at the hospital, only remnants of that phrase came out in ragged breaths.
Jean only left his side when Matthew or Alice obliged her to go home to rest and eat something. When she came back to him, she was barely aware of what was happening outside her and Lucien's own bubble. She sat beside him and one of her hands held his while the other caressed his forearm and hair. Sometimes she fell silent for hours. Sometimes she told him about her day, where she had gone shopping, what she had made for lunch, the latest harmless gossips...
Sometimes she just asked him what he wanted to do after he was discharged from hospital hoping to get an answer from him.
"...they will destroy you"
Four days later, Jean found Matthew waiting for her at the door of Lucien's hospital room.
He was fully aware and sat at the edge of his bed, looking by the window and lost in his own messed-up world. He was able to listen part of the conversation between his friend and his fiancée though.
"Already?"
"... still in shock"
"... too soon to..."
"...long way to recover"
Those words struggled against the ones in his head. Words from the thugs who had done this to him and from the torturers from Singapore. His hand gripped the bedcovers tightly and he shut his eyes in order to prevent the panic attack from emerging back to the surface.
"Don't let your guard down or the shadows will be back; and they will haunt you down; and they will consume you; and they will destroy you. Don't let your guard down or the shadows will be back; and they will haunt you down; and they will consume you; and they will destroy you"
He repeated the words like a broken record in high speed to calm himself. When his heart rate went back to normal, he opened his eyes again. Jean was in front of him, waiting for him patiently with concern written all over her face.
It took him a few seconds to recognize her and her significance in his life. When he did, he spread his legs slowly and let her stand between them. He rested his head against her stomach and wrapped his arms around her.
He didn't sob.
They drove home in the late afternoon hours. Doctors had insisted he should stay at the hospital a few days so they could run more tests. As he was donning his navy three piece suit and hat they asked him one last time to reconsider his decision. He answered evenly without turning to look at them.
"I'm fine. Want to go home. Jean will look after me"
He was far from being fine. Shadows were already there.
While she was driving, Lucien's absent gaze tried to focus at some fixed point somewhere in the Ballarat landscapes. Temperatures had dropped down but he rolled down the window to feel the coldness in the face. After three days confined in a hole underground with little air, he really needed it.
He wasn't the only one lost in his thoughts. All this time, Jean had firmly believed that Lucien would be the same smiling, carefree and endearingly eccentric man she loved deeply once he was out of the hospital. Now she was afraid of having lost him because of those monsters still on the loose.
Without thinking, she searched for his hand and laced her fingers through his, needing desperately some evidence that the man beside her was still her future husband.
Lucien startled slightly at the contact of her cold fingers. His eyes fixed on their joined hands for long seconds before daring to raise his eyes to look at her. A tired smile drew across his face.
That was enough for her. The Lucien Blake she knew was still alive somewhere and if she had to go to hell to get him back, she would.
He really seemed to be the same man again. Lawson still hadn't called him to resume his job as a police surgeon but he had his general practice. His good natured interactions towards the patients seemed genuine and his affections towards Jean hadn't faded. He had even started to exercise himself, running and boxing every other afternoon.
Jean's heart swelled as her hope for a speedy recovery began to grow in her heart.
He wasn't supposed to be back at the morgue for at least two more weeks but he was at the hospital visiting a patient and subconsciously, his feet took him there. As soon as he saw the body in the centre of the room everything went black and he started hyperventilating.
"and they will destroy you"
He retreated back in fear as the figure in white rushed towards him. It was Dr. Harvey.
"Lucien, what are you doing? You should be home. Oh my God, you're pale as a sheet. Are you alright?"
He nodded vigorously and ran a hand through his neatly combed hair. His shirt collar was damp with sweat and suddenly the half sandwich he had eaten at the station threatened to come out of my mouth. He clutched his stomach to stop himself from vomiting.
"Don't let you guard... don't let your guard..."
"Sorry Alice. Need to get out of here."
It was late when he came home, his body and clothes drenched with the rain. She had been waiting for him since the call from Alice Harvey.
"Lucien. Thank goodness you're home" She was relieved, truly, but a tiny part of her was slightly mad at him for worrying her. She kicked that thought away and reminded herself she had to be patient with him.
He didn't bother to remove his wet clothes. Instead he went to his studio for his bottle of whisky. Jean followed him.
"Lucien you should change or you'll catch a cold"
"m'fine" he mumbled. She took a long breath. No. She won't let go of him that easily.
"You won't be tomorrow. In no time you'll beg me to take you to the hospital"
She walked behind him and tried to remove his overcoat, heavy with water. At her touch, he jerked and move away from her violently.
"What is wrong with you?" she hissed losing the patience she had promised to keep "You go out all day without telling me nothing, then I receive a call from Alice saying you've been in the morgue and that you've suffered some sort of a panic attack. And when I believe you will come home to me, you disappear for hours. Do you have ANY idea how worried I was?"
"I'm not one of your boys Jean. I don't need you to check on me every second" he growled in anger.
"No, of course not. You're worst than them. At least, they accepted my help" she shot back furiously.
"Don't you get it, woman?! I can't be helped! This... this..." he pointed at his own head trying to elaborate "It won't go away. No matter how much we want this to work, Jean. We can't"
She froze half in terror, half in fury.
"Whatever you want to say, say it Lucien Blake. Be brave once and for all"
And he wanted to say it. He wanted to call off the wedding, to ask to leave him alone and move with his son to Adelaide... But all that came out was a desperate sob as he fell on his knees.
He didn't push her away she knelt before him and wrapped her arms around. He was a strong man in the arms of a fragile lady and yet, her embrace was the only safe place in the world. He held her tighter and cry for the first time since he disappear.
When she felt he had calm himself down, she released him and stood up holding her hand to him.
"What you need right now is a good warm bath"
He had been in the tub for more than half an hour and when he stepped out he felt tired and worn out, as if he had been at war again. What he wanted more than anything was to get into bed and sleep for weeks. For years.
He froze at the door of his bedroom. Jean was there, only wearing his pyjama top. His hands clutched at the towel around his waist.
"I've been sleeping on it since you were at the hospital. When you came home, I just sort of kept it" she admitted half ashamed "It was the only way to be close to you"
She shouldn't feel ashamed. She had done nothing wrong. But him... he didn't deserve to be in the same room as her.
"Jean, I'm so sorry for all I..."
She walked towards him and took his face in his hands.
"Don't say anything. Just... just let me take care of you. Please."
She led him to sit on the bed and sat on his lap. She proceeded then to dry his arms, his shoulders, his chest. Every stroke of the towel's soft fabric against his skin was full of tenderness and love and her eyes never left him, ready to stop at any sign of distress.
She didn't flinch either when his nimble fingers subconsciously found her bare calves and knees. Her skin was soft, warm and inviting. She was home and he wanted to be home.
When she finished drying him, she lowered her gaze and found that his fingers had unbuttoned the three bottom buttons of the top she was wearing. She looked straight to his eyes and smiled gently. Then, she took his hands and guided them upwards to finish the task.
"Jean" he breathed at she let it slide on the floor leaving her almost naked in front of him. She leant to him and kissed him gently on the mouth whispering.
"if the shadows are back, let me fight them for you"
He took her face in his hands and whispered back, his eyes on the verge of tears.
"Keep me safe Jean, please"
She leant again and kissed him, more firmly this time. He let out an animalistic groan at the contact of her bare breasts pressed against his chest and deepened the kiss with his tongue surging inside, gently caressing the warm recesses of her mouth. She moaned softly and slid her arms around his broad shoulders.
"I'll keep you safe, my darling love. If they try to get you, they will have to get past me" she breathed into his ear as his mouth explored the skin of her throat and neck.
His lips and hands found her small breasts. Like the most precious thing in the world he caressed them, kissed them, cupped them, teased them. And finally, when the sensitive peaks emerged from the attention, he took them into his mouth.
She gasped briefly and unconsciously moved forward to increase to contact allowing him to encircle her waist with his arms. His tears of fear turned into tears of joy. There would never be enough time to repay the love she was offering him. The rest of his life seemed too short to show her what she meant to him.
But he would try.
With his mouth, hands and mind focused on her breasts, he hadn't realised she had pushed him to bed and lay beside him. Gently, his hands travelled downwards and began to explore the skin of her thighs. She trembled at the touch and search for his mouth hungrily.
Gone were her worries about the gossip or her catholic fears. He was her life and no one would come between them anymore.
His fingers moved higher until they found the silk of her undergarments. He caught her eyes and asked a silent permission. At her shaky nod, he smiled tenderly and rolled her back onto the mattress as he hovered over her.
Pushing the garment to one side, he began to explore her folds. Gasping quietly she raised her head to kiss him, wanting more of that intimacy that had been born between them. She couldn't stop from moaning when he slipped a finger into her warm wetness.
"My sweet Jean" he breathed huskily against the pulse point of her neck.
On impulse, her hands at gripped tightly his strong biceps and felt his muscles tense and relax under her fingertips. When his lips travelled downwards and found her breasts again, her hands slid around to his back and found his scars.
"Jean" he half-sobbed against her belly and continued kissing her skin.
The first contact with his tongue between her legs sent a bolt of electricity through her body and instantly, he put a hand to her stomach to steady her. Her moans became louder.
He rejoiced at her response and buried his face to lap and suckle every inch of skin he could find. Her taste, her smell, her swollen damp flesh, her tight warm insides... At that very moment, she had just saved him from his past.
"Lucien please" she whined.
No. Not yet. She needed to know that he was capable to make her happy. His teeth closed around her hardened bud and applied the slightest of pressure. Jean shrieked as her whole body convulsed out of control. He moved upwards and took her into her arms.
"I got you, my love" he whispered against her lips and kissed her senseless.
They stood still for a few minutes until he felt her bucking against his hand with a growing desperation and he remembered that he still had a couple of fingers inside her. He removed them and positioned between her legs, supporting his weight on his arms.
"My beautiful Jean. My one and only love" he whispered between kisses.
She wrapped her legs around his waist and raised herself up to meet his hips with her own. As he buried his face in her neck and inhale her scent, he entered her with ease. They both cried at unison and began to move at the rhythm only lovers know. Each stroke, thrust and caress turned their eyes darker, their moans louder and their skin slicker. Every second together took them higher and higher.
Far away from the shadows.
Their climax was reached simultaneously and after release, she received his limp body into her embrace. He held her tight waiting for her body spasms to subside.
Nothing would harm him now. With her, he felt invincible.
Somewhat later into the night, he stirred awake and found her looking at him with mild sadness. He leant over and kissed her lovingly, trying to erase it.
When the kiss ended, she lifted her hand to caress his cheek and voiced the question she had wanted to ask him since he was in the hospital.
"Those words you say..." She faltered. Now that it was out in the open, she found herself afraid of the answer. He felt her fears and kissed her palm.
"Words hurt," he began, remembering his unforgivable behaviour towards her hours ago "but they can also shield. I learnt many years ago that repeating them would carry me safe and sound. It was how I survived as a prisoner"
She closed her eyes and shivered trying not to think how many times he'd had to shut himself out from the rest of the world in Singapore, only protected by a phrase.
"Back here I never thought I would use them again. I believed I was safe"
"You are safe" she wanted to be right this time and kissed him firmly. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her closer, both shivering at the skin-on-skin contact.
"I wasn't. All this time, the demons had been inside me. They only needed a traumatic experience to come out and haunt me again. This time words weren't enough to save myself"
"Oh Lucien"
"Knowing that I was hurting you as well..." he shuddered and she kissed his cheek to steady him "...it was killing me Jean. And every time I pushed you away... I wanted you to be safe. But at the same time...I couldn't go on living"
Tears streamed down both their eyes as they kissed again with growing passion. Their hands began to caress, stroke and explore, and the now familiar warm sensation began to stir deep in their bodies.
"Jean... sweet Jean... my Jean" he whispered as she pushed his back on the bed and straddling his waist. She smiled and leant down and whispered back into his ear.
"Say it again my love. Say it as much as you want. Because my name is the only protection you will need"