"Could this get any worse? Last year's was basketball, and now it's DDR." Sasori barged in the room after having received a call from the organization's leader.
"DDR? What kind of concept is that?" Kisame asked while filling his plate with sardines.
"You know, Dance Dance Revolution? That's what's on for this year." The puppeteer's head sunk, expecting something that was more within the members' skills.
The Uchiha entered the dining area to join the two for breakfast.
"Woah! First time you've been up before 12 noon. Now that's a shocker!" Kisame exclaimed, stuffing a spoonful of mashed potatoes in his mouth. Itachi remained silent, still hung up with his drowsiness.
"The b*tch called me."
"The purple snake b*tch, or the purple snake b*tch's assistant?" Sasori handing the pitcher of orange juice to them. Itachi nodded, adding a sigh to it.
"So, how did it go?"
"Well-" He groaned, "Just nine minutes of unneeded information that sounded like a pile of sh*t stuffed into my ears, and something about Dance Dance Revolution." Itachi added, finishing the last pieces of food on his plate before leaving.
"Jesus Christ, that tramp has always been onto him, hasn't SHE?" Kisame broke into a hysteric laughter.
"I know, I know. That guy's worse than Zetsu on crack!" Sasori agreed, embracing his stomach from gagging up too hard. After all, he knew his former partner that well. Little did they know that fate would actually bring the Akatsuki organization to compete against Orochimaru's team.
- Meanwhile, with Orochimaru -
"God! I bet we are so gonna win this!" Kabuto assumed, handing over some shirts that were neatly wrapped in plastic.
"Heh, I'll have you know that people tell me about how I strikingly resemble Michael Jackson." Orochimaru bragged as he began to moonwalk around the whole place.
"What the hell are these for?" The younger Uchiha questioned in annoyance as he held the purple t-shirt to the air. The front had a group label: 'TEAM SNAKE', in the lamest and most unrecognizable font printed on it; the back of their shirt held their group motto, "Float like a butterfly and bite like a snake."
Sasuke felt like his eye was going through a nerve breakdown upon reading the group motto in his head. He tossed the shirt away in disgust and threw some sort of look as if he really had to take part in this activity, on his team.
"My dear Sasuke-kun, we have to stand as a group!" Orochimaru held both Sasuke's shoulders, trying to reassure the boy. The younger Uchiha shrugged them off and gave in before the purple snake b*tch would go further in seducing (or even molesting) the boy.
- Back with the Akatsuki -
The members were all called for an urgent meeting.
"Okay guys, I know we've been planning to redeem ourselves this year, but I'm just giving us all a little heads-up that what we're competing for this year is pretty much disappointing." Sasori's head sunk before he could break the announcement to them.
"This year, it's going to be us competing on Dance Dance Revolution."
Everyone's faces broke into a smile upon hearing so. They even cheered, giving each other high-fives.
"You guys are actually okay with this...?"
"Don't worry Sasori, you're the legendary puppet master! Sure you could ace this! Your fingers are fast enough." Kakuzu joyfully said reassuring, adding a slap to Sasori's back.
"You're going to make me cheat by using my pup— Hey, wait just a god damn minute. This isn't O2JAM, this is f*cking Dance Dance Revolution you ignorant fools!" Sasori screamed.
Everyone shifted their gaze at each other in confusion. Some were even found dumbfoundedly scratching their titled heads like a bunch of dimwits.
"He means you get to use your feet instead of your fingers." Kisame chimed in from behind while giving the puppet master a glass of water. Everyone scattered away from the living room in disappointment. Zetsu hurriedly rushed to the cave's basement to grab a heavy box full of contents covered with a white sheet. As soon as he got back to the living room, he dumped all the items to the ground and started reassembling the pieces.
"I never knew we had rugs made of plastic. They even have cool arrow designs on them-un!" Deidara came in.
"They're dance pads, you silly blonde! I'm an avid player of DDR myself." Zetsu replied and dragged Deidara to help since he came along. Thirty minutes passed and everything was all set.
"Okay now, look at the screen. A bunch of arrows are going to scroll up and all you need to do is to wait for them to reach the static bar consisting the four arrows of four different directions. That's the time you step on the corresponding arrow on the dance pad. Now, you'll lose points if you miss an arrow so keep an intent eye on the screen." Zetsu directed.
"So, I get to choose a song right?" The curious apprentice asked.
"Of course! Go ahead. Oh, and choose the easy level."
"Hnnn, this 'Butterfly' song sounds like my jam!" Deidara uttered, finally being able to chose a song.
At first, the blonde had his legs twisted around each other, allowing him to constantly stumble. Zetsu couldn't resist laughing seeing that from such an easy and slow-paced level. Deidara got the catch of it along the way and even managed to get himself a 'B'.
"Well, that was quite the entertainment but you're actually getting the catch of this!" Zetsu wiped a tear from his eye, trying to calm himself from the laughter.
"I am?! Oh my god, I really am! But I got a 'B'. That's still fine right?!"
"That's very, very fine." Zetsu replied, not even minding the score because all that lodged into his head was Deidara's constant stumbling and turning.
The loud music, Deidara's screaming, and Zetsu's up roared laughter caught the all the members' attention.
"Wow, what's all this? And you never bothered to tell us?" the Uchiha complained with his arms crossed.
"Wanna try?" Zetsu offered with a big grin.
About 9 hours later, they all got the hang of it and started acing their performances. Could this be much expected from S-rank criminals? From here, everyone starting to think "What could possible go wrong?". Itachi confidently stepped out of the dance pad after scoring double 'A's. He headed to the table to answer his ringing cellphone. He had a look of disgust upon seeing the contact's name flashing on the phone's screen.
"What is it this time!? If it's about getting a new hairdo, then go phone Deidara! If it's about you repeatedly reminding me about how you're planning to kill me, I'm giving you five seconds to hang up. But if it's about tips on how to be hotter than me to please your stinking fan girls, then GO SWIM IN THE KITCHEN!"
"Look, you gotta help me! Orochimaru and Kabuto have been practicing on this DDR shit for like the whole day! I'm sick and tired of them both constantly arguing and topping each other!" Sasuke pleaded desperately. He couldn't stand getting caught in between this any longer.
"Fine, sheesh! Sneak inside the purple snake b*tch's room. Rip up the third pillow from the left that's laid on his bed. You'll find a tiny purple bedazzled jewelry box with a considerable amount of cash in it, everything! Go fly your *ss off anywhere." Itachi hurriedly instructed.
"Where'll I go?" Sasuke asked once more, irritating his older brother.
"I dunno! Just get lost and never ever return. That's probably the best option." The older Uchiha screamed, squeezing the phone in anger.
"But wait, how'd you know 'bout the money?" Being the nuisance he was, Sasuke questioned lastly.
"Oh, Sasori's friend slept with that b*tch." Itachi replied in a calm manner, recalling the incident.
"KABUTO!" He screamed at last and hung up before his annoying little brother would begin to ask. He obviously predicted that Sasuke would ask which of Sasori's friends slept with Orochimaru that he just had to say it out once and for all.
A month has passed, and the event was finally nearing them in just three days. The members had nothing to worry about, after all the constant practice consisting so much stumbling and upturning. Well, there was one big matter that had each and every member worrying, and the matter was Hidan.
"Okay, Kakuzu, Sasori and I will be competing for the average round. We'll have Deidara and Itachi play for the harder levels." Zetsu strategized on a piece of paper, "We'll have Tobi and Hidan play for the easy round." He added lastly.
"Hey! Why am I booted to the god damn easy round?" Hidan complained, pushing the rest aside.
"For god sakes Hidan, for every step that you take, you always chant unnecessary Jashin crap. You miss out a ton of arrows because you keep swaying that big ass scythe with you." Kakuzu reasoned out.
"I don't think I can handle seeing someone stab himself in the neck while playing this.." Zetsu uttered in disgust before coming to pass out. However, the ever-faithful Jashin believer should be glad enough to know that he isn't the only one left made to sulk about this matter.
- Meanwhile, with Orochimaru -
Orochimaru's tearful eyes trailed down the letter which was noticeably left on his lavender sheets.
"Dearest Purple snake bi— Orochimaru,
I know this would be hard for you to believe and I know you've encouraged me far too much to have some sense of team spirit in me (to the point where it got so f*cking annoying that I would gladly allow my head to be devoured by one of your snakes), but I had to leave. I was sick and tired of the non-stop rehearsals which went on for 24/7 for the passing month, so I flew off to Lima Peru. Team Snake will do well off without me.
Your so called apprentice,
Uchiha Sasuke
P.S: If you're thinking about throwing a b*tch fit, Itachi's the master mind behind all this. Kabuto's designs make me want to kill myself by swallowing a f*ck load of birth control pills."
- Back with the Akatsuki -
The competition was nearing in just one day and Hidan was the only one left who couldn't sort his problems out.
"Err, Hidan? There seems to be quite a problem with the way you play the game." Sasori laid a hand on the Jashin-fearing man's shoulder from behind.
"Well, f*ck yes there is but I don't get what's so wrong about that? Pointing out that what I'm doing f*cking wrong is blasphemy!" Hidan jerked his shoulder back aggressively. The puppeteer sat beside him, flashing a reassuring grin.
"Firstly, what's with all the chanting? Every time you miss the slightest arrow, you start chanting bullcrap out of nowhere like your whole life depended on it! Second, you start to take hold of ten rosaries when you start missing out even more points from distraction. Why the hell do you even get that much?" Hidan's head sank; yet, he still allowed the puppeteer to point out a few more things.
"Worst of all is when you start stabbing yourself desperately to redeem yourself. You should learn how to get a hold of yourself! Don't get me started with scythes. Who needs them for dancing? I mean, c'mmon! Screw those b*tchy things!" Sasori exclaimed strongly.
"Err, Sasori. You're going too far."
"Oops, sorry! So, where was I? Oh, right! So I came up with strategies for you to lose the habit of getting 'D's" Sasori suggested, having his pointer finger held up, "And 'E's!" He strictly added.
"So, what kind of strategy do you have in mind?" Hidan desperately asked.
"Oh,you'll see." A huge smirk was curved from the puppeteer's lips. Deidara appeared in the same room in no time, carrying a box full of Hidan's rosary collection. Tobi followed behind him hugging a huge pair of scissors. Hidan trembled in fear as soon as the idea hit into his mind.
"Okay! So for each time you miss an arrow, Deidara's going to hand Tobi one of your precious little babies and 'snap!' goes the string." Sasori explained, deviously rubbing his hands together.
So as soon as everything was all clear and set, Hidan began to start.
"Oooh, missed that! Oh, and that! And that one too.. There goes another one! Holy sh*t! So close! Now, left! MISSED IT! Here comes the right! MISSED THAT TOO! And that... again! Jump! F*ck, MISSED IT!" The puppeteer instructed while the other two did what was tasked for them to do.
Altogether, the three of them witnessed how Hidan improved song after song; yet, dozens of rosaries were snipped and wasted.
Five god-forsaken hours later, Hidan, barely alive, layed on the floor panting madly. He finally managed to ace at least 51 of his performances.
"How many goddamn rosaries are left?" He asked trying to catch his breath. Deidara and Tobi threw a look at each other, seemingly contented.
"6." The blonde pointed to the pile of cut up strings and beads.
"Hello?"
"Itachi, I finally managed to call you after miss calling about— 72 times." Orochimaru hissed in relief.
"Yeah, I can see that. What the f*ck do you want? If you're wondering where Sasuke went, you'll find him in Peru." Itachi tossed his hair behind him, preparing for another nine minutes of useless bullcrap to break loose from the purple snake b*tch's mouth.
"Please don't remind me." Orochimaru hissed in remorse, "Anyways, we are sooo gonna beat your *sses tomorrow! We've been practicing for about 48 hours straight for the passing month and we made quite a progress without having your hot younger brother around! So get ready to—"
30 minutes later
"Yeah, so get ready! Cause we are sooo gonna win!" The purple snake bitch finally hung up after repeating the same words over and over for half an hour.
"Okay? That was long-un." Deidara stormed in the room noticing the Uchiha's worn out and irritated expression on his face. Itachi said nothing but to walk out.
Kakuzu and the rest were occupied with card games, which left Sasori and Deidara absolutely no activity in hand.
"Hey, Sasori no danna! Let's check the grocery for some cookie dough dough-un." Deidara eagerly pleaded.
"What?"
"Cookie dough dough!" Deidara repeated.
"What the hell is that? There isn't any of that around." Sasori walked away, unamused.
"Of course there is! Its cookie dough, dough flavored! Like, duh. If it were peanut butter flavored, it would've obviously been called 'cookie dough peanut butter'. Since it tastes like dough, so it's called cookie dough dough!" Deidara reasoned out, making his stupid point even more complex to understand.
"Go munch on dog sh*t." Sasori replied from afar.
The day has finally come for the annual competition! Luckily, the event was held in a convention hall only kilometers far from the Akatsuki head quarters which spared them all from too much of Itachi's bad driving. Just in the middle of assembling everything, the main door slammed open allowing Orochimaru and his stupid side-kick to arrive eight hours earlier before the designated competition assembly, garbed in their awful team shirts and unneeded accessories such as metal blings, five-inch stillettos, and large head dresses.
"Were you two bullsh*ts ever announced that assembly would be around 5:30pm?" Kisame scolded, helping the rest of the event production team fix up the place.
"We're just here to tell you that we're so gonna beat you without the others!" Orochimaru pointed.
"What do you mean the others?" Sasori questioned, being around the place for surveillance.
"Oh, you know... The Seven Hidden Swordsmen of the Mist, The Puppet Brigade, and the Sound Four— They all followed my dear Sasuke-kun to Lima Peru." Orochimaru sobbed once more.
"Y'know what? They make it seem like Lima Peru's turning out to be a big vacation spot-un." Deidara thought.
"I don't know about that, but we should check it out there for a week or so." Kakuzu suggested.
"Like now." Itachi added straight-forwardly causing the room to come across complete silence for about five seconds.
"YEAH!"
"Looks like we lost this year-un." Deidara sighed, buckling on his seat belt as soon as the pilot announced that the aircraft was ready for take-off.
"Yeah, so much for all the practice!" Sasori agreed, recalling all the effort of sparing so much time for practice, eventually now considered as waste.
"I strived really hard." Zetsu sulked.
"All the money I placed my bets on!" Kakuzu grieved, turning to Hidan who was caught to be in much more pain compared to the rest of the complaining members.
"All my rosaries!"
-END-