A/N: Hello everyone, welcome to another fic written by me. This is supposed to be non-parring oriented, but it does contain blink-and-miss SanzoGoku and GojyoSanzo. If you want to see that, be my guest but it was not intended. The yaoi part of my mind decided to add those tiny insignificent hints. xD Anyway, I don't really know where the idea came from, but it's twisted and interesting all the same. I like how it worked out.
As always, C&C ariciated.
Twisted
Hey, if you're reading this, then I'm probably already dead. Because god knows I would never show this to anyone while I was still alive and kicking. The last thing I need is to be shipped off to an insane asylum, or worse-- prison. I'm too pretty for prison. It's been about ten years since the incident, though I can honestly say I still feel as though I'm still locked in that room, the air heavy with sickness as the dying form beneath me gasps. Gods know I visit that day every single moment of my life. I relive it over and over, and I wonder if I truly made the right choice. Sometimes I think I did, sometimes I think I didn't, and sometimes I think I truly lost it. Honestly, I don't know where to begin. I want to write it all down to get it out of my head, yet at the same time I can't remember which incident came first and which one happened last. It's all one big blur, and I guess I can thank Kieth for that.
My name is Nicholas, though all the girls call me Nick. I'm a ladies man, what can I say? But as you're reading this, you're probably going, "Who's this Nick person?" I'm nobody, really. I never was and never would be. Hell, you probably know me better as Sha Gojyo-- fighter, lover, dreamer, charmer. But that was in a past life-- a long, long time ago. I can look back at the memories of that life and wonder who in God's name that was, because this couragous, self-absorbed, loved hero who lived his life to the fullest and never let the shadows of regret pull at his heart wasn't me. There was no fucking way that was me.
I don't know how we met, Keith and I, but we were together always. People would often call us enemies, because it always seemed like we were fighting or yelling or screaming about something to each other. But together we had a bond, a bond that surpassed time and reincarnation so we could meet again. Technically, there were three of us, but I never liked getting into those technicalities. They always creeped me out.
Kieth was in every way the great Genjyo Sanzo of the past. I can't remember how we recovered the memories of our past lives, all I knew was that Kieth knew all along, and it seemed he was trying to get me up to speed. Because something was happening and he needed someone who wouldn't treat him like a complete lunitic because of it. He needed me-- as loathe he was to admit it. I laughed. I honestly laughed when the situation struck me, and Kieth-- no, Sanzo-- simply glared in reply.
The man was everything I remembered him to be. A strong, brooding leader with his head too far up his ass and his habit wound a little too tight. But I was glad to be with him, even if every encouter ended up in a screaming fit where one or possibly both of us would go home with bruises and bleeding noses. Nonetheless we stuck together, for reasons I will never be able to name.
I remember the day when he told me perfectly. We had been sitting, waiting for the bus. He'd been smoking again, feverishly as though what he was about to do stressed him out more then anything. We had recovered our memories by then, though nothing had changed. We still fought, yelled, though there was an unspoken bond between us. Sometimes I found myself wondering what ever happened to Hakkai, because though I didn't personally know him-- I only knew the man through my memories-- I wanted to see him, to meet him, and see if he turned out as fucked as the rest of us. Anyway, Kieth had told me that the stupid monkey was still with him. I was confused at first, before he clarrified, "Goku's alive. The stupid brat never let go of my soul after we died. He clung to it like a lifeline, and because of that, we were reincarnated into the same body. This body can't handle two souls, and it's dying." I had been stunned at Kieth's confession, and unable to say anything more on the matter for the rest of the day.
I think that was the day that I realized that Kieth and Sanzo were two very different people. Sanzo had hardships of unspeakable measures thrust upon him, and it turned him into a hard, cold, son of a bitch. But Kieth had not experienced such hardships, and though still reluctant, was more willing to open up, if only a little. I marved in this, almost chuckling at my thoughts when it came to me. I was different from Gojyo as well, and just as Hakkai would be different from his reincarnation. This I'm sure of.
I never really accepted Kieth's illness for what it was. The doctors said he was simply born with a weak heart, but he knew it was Goku's soul within him that caused him such pain. I never saw examples of this pain, only heard of what happened. But one night the two of us had been walking towards the train station when it happened. Kieth seemed out of breath, and asked to take a break. I was surprised, but nodded as I watched him lean against a nearby wall, placing a cigarette between his lips with shaking hands. I realized he was sweating heavily, and looked to be very short of breath. My concern mounted in my stomach as he slowly began to smoke down the cigarette. He was only halfway through when he began coughing and shuddering. The cigarette fell to the ground, and with it Kieth fell to his knees.
I was next to him in a second, crying out his name and clutching his shoulders to keep him upright. He clutched his chest with one hand, the other trying to stop the coughing. Then there was blood, and Kieth had collapsed. I can still remember screaming out in panic, crying out for someone to help. I was reluctant to leave Kieth alone, and yet at the same time I knew he needed help. Clutching him in my arms I dragged him to the side of the street, and waved down a car. We had reached a hospital within twenty minutes and Kieth was brought into care, and out of my sight.
I waited for several hours at the hospital. Seconds, minutes, hours ticked by and I waited. Eventually Kieth's parents were called in. I remember hearing Kieth's mother screaming hyterically as she was comforted by his father. She was crying and shouting things like, "This is it! Oh my Kieth is going to die this time!" I felt bad for her, and for Kieth, but I knew his tourment wasn't about to end.
Fourteen hours and a minor surgery later and I was told Kieth would be fine. I hadn't realized how much tension had been building until it had been released from my shoulders. I sagged into the nearby chair, letting out a sigh of relief. After two hours I was allowed to see my friend. I entered his room, spotting the man's sunken form against the sheets. He looked pale, and seemed to have a million tubes going into him from all different directions. He was sedated though, which I was glad for, because I don't think he'd be able to live with the pain. When I saw him like that I just knew that Goku's inhabiting soul was doing this to him. I don't know how I knew, but I just knew.
It was about a month before Kieth was finally allowed to go home. I was there that day, and proudly walked the man out the front door. He was set with complete determination and I could do nothing but grin like an idiot as he walked out the hospital doors, two weeks before the doctors said he would. Kieth was shaky, but he was so determined that I don't think anyone could have stopped him.
There were other points in the time that I knew him that he had issues with his heart, and anyone could see that it was gruadually getting worse and worse. No one thought that the man would live to see twenty. But Kieth was incredibly strong willed and I believed that if he wanted to, he could live to be one hundred and six and there would be nothing anyone could do about it. But even I had to admit that things were going downhill fast. In less then six months Kieth had almost dropped out of school completely, and was bedridden. On some days he would barely be able to move, or speak. I found it ironic that Goku's pure need to protect the man was the thing tht was killing him. It was heartbreaking and irnoic at the same time. I hated myself for laughing.
It was not long after things looked really bad did Kieth call me one day. I had been sitting on the computer, aimlessly playing video games when I got the call. He wanted me to come over. I was not about to turn him down, and after a quick fight I was over at his house, in the darkened room that smelt of sweat and sickness. Kieth looked horribly ill that day. His blond hair was spread out over the pillow, pasted to his skin with fresh sweat that beaded his forehead. His violet eyes were slightly dulled and glazed, and yet still burnt bright with determination and disobdience.
"Hey," I muttered, closing the door behind me, causing the room to darken even more. I crossed the room, pulling up a chair next to the bed. Glasses and plates from previous meals sat beside th bed, along with pills and percription medicine. Kieth turned to look at me, and forced a scowl.
"Took you long... enough..." he muttered dryly, licking his lips. Without needing to be asked, I grabbed the half-full glass of water and handed it to him. He took it and drank the liquid back greedily. After a moment to catch his breath, he spoke again, "I won't be able to do this much longer..." he whispered.
I bit the inside of my lip, though let no emotions play on my face. I simply nodded.
"I can't do this anymore," he corrected, closing his eyes and attempting to regain his strength. "Our souls are battling... not mixing... I need to stop, I can't... take this anymore," he rasped out. "I need... you to do me a favor... Nick..."
I nodded, slower this time. "What do you want me to do?" I asked quietly, half expecting some sort of exsorcism process to expell Goku's soul. I never even imagined he would say what he did.
"I want you to kill me."
"What?" I shouted, causing him to wince. I lowered my voice, still frowning questionably. "You know I can't do that, Kieth. I can't kill you. I won't kill you."
He attempted to snarl, but it came out half-heartedly. "So much help you turned out to be," the conversation was draining a lot of out of him, and it took him a minute to regain his composure this time. "I''m not asking you, idiot. I'm telling you. I need you to kill me, because I can't do it myself."
Thoughts raced through my mind, unable to slow down they were whiping back and forth so fast. Killing Kieth was out of the question. He was--dare say-- a friend. My best friend. I had never been closer to someone, and I could not imagine killing him. "But, Kieth," I whispered out pathetically. "I can't, I can't just kill you. I--"
"Please," the word was uttered with sheer exasperation and desperation that I could not shoot back a snarl of a reply. I'd never seen Kieth-- or Sanzo-- look so pathetic and vulnurable. He was dying, and he didn't want to die in so much pain. I'd never seen him have to ask for anything, and the situation would have made me laugh under different circumstances. Was it truly a sin if this was what he wanted? If so I was going to hell.
"Okay, Kieth..." I muttered, not even realizing what I was doing until I climbed on top of his chest, pushing the air out of his lungs and making it all the more difficult to breath. Kieth gasped out quietly, his body revulting against the pressure. I didn't pause as I wraped my hands around his neck. I spared him one last word, before tightening my grip. The response was an immediate strangled gasp, eyes shooting wide and a gargled sound emitting from his throat. I could only think it was my duty as I watched him writhe beneath me, lips quivering, turning blue. Blood began to seep from the corners of his mouth, and I knew that his heart was straining against the pressure. This only made me tighten my grip, hoping to hurry up- and finish the job before I began to cry.
His body struggled out in survival insticts and I held firm, blinking my vision clear as hot tears ran down my face like the blood pouring from Kieth's mouth. I really didn't want to do this, but I would rather have Kieth die this way then in a world of pain. His body couldn't accept two souls-- he was doomed to die from the start. There were a million things I wanted to say to him in those last moments, the summer heat pouring down on us as his blood mingled with my tears. It was horrible but I wish he would simply die, because Kieth's thrashing body beneath me was starting to break the dam. I was going to crack, and let Kieth live. I knew if I did the blond would never forgive me.
And so when he finally did go still, his heartbeat giving out and his eyes sliding closed, I allowed myself to break, crying heavily as my grip loosened. I don't know why I cried-- Kieth and I never really got along. But I couldn't stop myself from crying as I stared at the still figure beneath me, violet eyes listless and liftless. I stayed there for a while, before I was forced to get off him, collect my things and leave him for someone else to find.
I could only pray that Goku and Sanzo's soul seperated so this wouldn't happen a second time.
I don't know how I wasn't caught. If the police did any backtracking they would have realized that Kieth died becasue I strangled him, but it seemed no one cared. Maybe his family silently thanked me for sparing Kieth the pain. I don't know. His funeral was a lonely event, and I only stayed for an hour. I didn't bother with the reception. I didn't have anyone to talk to.
Life pretty much fell back in order, though I could never forget the scent of the dark room and the feel of Kieth's fading pulse beneath me. It haunted me for years, and I don't think I'll ever get over it. Kieth did convince me of something, though. Something I will always cherish, because it has always made me laugh bitterly in my times of grief.
Just as Goku and Sanzo's souls were entwined, slowly killing each other, life itself is slowly entwined with each person, killing them slowly from the inside out. People were born to die, some sooner then others.
Life is twisted.