Clones never cry.
That was one of the many rules I learned as a clone cadet while training on Kamino. Before I was deployed to Umbara, I didn't even have a name. I was just a clone designated CT-5385. But even though every clone is made from the same DNA, we were all unique. I hadn't discovered my special feature, what made me stand out from the rest of my brothers. I would find it on one fateful day.
I was training with my squad to be in the 501st Legion. Dogma was there, taking orders and relaying them to my squadron and me. "All right, men!" he shouted. "Incoming fire!" At that call, the men and I had to initiate a commando roll and shoot at the enemy (mainly battle droids). I almost tumbled when I rolled, but I managed to get into position, took aim, and fired at the droids.
When our exercise ended, we retired to the barracks. As we were walking down there, Dogma spoke to me, "CT-5385, your commando roll was a little off. Are you sure you're 501st material?" "Dogma," I told him, "you may be good at giving orders, but I still I have to find out what makes me stand out." It was true; the clones on my squad and I didn't receive our tattoos yet…if we wanted them. We knew that our squad would get to choose what kind of tattoos we wanted when we got to Coruscant.
Truth be told, I was a bit nervous about our trip to Coruscant the next day. We were going to be sent to a secret facility where our training would be brought to the next level. It was for clones in the 501st only and I was lucky to be part of it. A lot of the clones, however, didn't think I was cut out for it. True, I had my cautious nature and my sentiment, but I learned a lot about training and I've proven to be one of the best in my unit. I would have the chance to be that good soldier when we arrived at Coruscant.
Up until then, everyone had already given me a nickname: Bun Hair. Yes, I had already put my hair up in a bun. I was determined to prove that I was not just another clone in my unit. I had watched recordings of Jedi and was inspired by the way they made themselves different from each other. I decided to follow the steps of one Jedi and grew my hair out and put in a bun.
But shortly after I created my signature hairstyle, many clones made fun of me and told me how I was too girlish to be even out on the battlefield. I was deeply upset by this and kept my emotions to myself. That was when I went to speak with Jedi Master Shaak Ti. She was speaking to Bric and El-les when I came in. "General?" I spoke softly. "May I speak with you?" "What do you want with her, Bun Hair?" Bric asked rudely.
I looked to the side, but Shaak Ti sensed my insecurity and hurt and asked me, "Is there something bothering you?" I slowly answered in fear of angering my supervisors, "It's just…I've been called 'Bun Hair' a lot by my brothers and now Bric. My brothers say that it makes me too girlish to be fighting battles and it…" I stopped in mid-sentence as my emotions came to a head. I continued to speak, "Well, it hurts my feelings. I don't like it."
El-les suggested, "Why don't you tell them to stop? Don't you have a name?" I told him, "That's just it, sir. I don't have a name. I haven't come up with it yet. I was hoping I would find inspiration, but…" I closed my eyes as I said, "I guess I would be 'Bun Hair' for the rest of my life." I was so hurt and saddened at the very idea, I was amazed to find that tears were filling my eyes.
Bric put his hand on my shoulder and ordered, "Hey, don't cry on me now! Clones never cry. Didn't you learn that when you were a cadet?" I blinked away my tears because I knew clones never let emotion get the better of them. I also knew that when Bric told me not to cry, he meant in a meaningful way that didn't even sound like it. Bric liked being abrasive to the clones, but secretly, he cared about them enough to know what was best for them.
Shaak Ti said, "You are just beginning to form an identity of your own. Perhaps you will find it in time. Remember, when you know who you truly are, you will find your place among your unit." I smiled, "Thank you, General."
My hairstyle was just one step in achieving my one true identity, but I still had to find the one thing that sets me apart from my brothers: my special feature.