Prompt: a fic from the pool where Finn sees Raes scars and he knows what they are because he cuts too and he talks to her about it and they become friends from there and then more. Rinn
She hadn't gone in the pool yet. She was sorting through the music, choosing the songs. He didn't understand it though, he didn't understand why she wasn't getting in. Maybe she was nervous about them seeing her body? Maybe she didn't want them seeing her size, thinking they'd take the piss out of her? She should know by now that they're not the type to do that. That they wouldn't judge her because she's a bit bigger than the rest of them.
She has confidence, he could see, but he was still trying to figure her out. Rae isn't like the others, she knows her music, (he'd deny it to anybody who asked though) she can hold her drink, she's a right laugh, but, there's something about her that he doesn't understand.
That's a lie. He does understand it. He just didn't understand why. He's watched the way she slowly curled her way back into herself. He's watched the way she goes all quiet at certain things. He's curious about why she goes like that. He knows that everyone has stuff and normally he's good a figuring out what that stuff is, but not with her. Not Rae.
Out the corner of his eye, Finn saw Chloe talking to Rae, probably asking why she wasn't in. Trying not to stare, he saw Rae get up and take off her white fluffy dressing-gown, her hands switched and he knew she was nervous about being so bare. He turned his head away out of respect, letting her do her thing without her feeling embarrassed over being watched.
Finn heard the small screech, followed by the silence.
He knew what had happened before he turned his head, but what he wasn't prepared for, was the scars.
He knew what kind of scars they were, the thought made him cringe. Things started to make more sense: the looks she gave as she scanned the room. The quietness. The fiddling with her finger. The crazed movement of her eyes. The panic. The desperation. The pain.
He had picked up on most her little habits the first couple times they met, he saw some signs but didn't want to believe it. The confidence was a façade, he can see that now. He can see all the things that didn't make sense in his head. Maybe he didn't want to believe it. Maybe he thought that she was too loud and outspoken to be just like him. He has the same scars. In the same places. Their reasons were obviously different but the pain and embarrassment that was clouding her eyes right now, is the same pain and embarrassment he saw in his own eyes every time he looks in the mirror.
He wonders what her next move was going to be. Finn had only met one other person who cuts before and he committed suicide not long after. Was Rae going to brave through it, and be the solider he had seen for the pasted two weeks or will she coward away and break down later once she's alone. The look on her face shows she's leaning more to the latter but Finn's silently praying that she doesn't. He knows that he would have given up; ran away like a child, if he were in her place, he doesn't want to see her be afraid of life that way. He wants to see - even if it was just the once - her overcome this embarrassing hurdle. In a way, he needs to know that there is that strength in people. People like him. Them.
There's that look. The look of wishing she was anywhere else but here. The look of wishing the ground would swallow her whole so she didn't have to deal with this. She's gonna give up.
She didn't.
Her face change to one of determination. Her chin raised instead of curling in towards her neck. He voice held, not confidence, but strength.
Never in his life, has Finn been so proud of someone he didn't really know.
The night carried on like normal. Rae was Rae. Loud and funny. Acting like she didn't care and that her scars were nothing. No-one talked about it, but they were having too much fun to think of it really.
They were all going home now. The night was over and everyone was parting ways.
Almost everyone.
"Rae! Rae, wait up!"
Turing round, Rae's face scrunched up into one of confusion. "Finn? Are you 'right?"
Finn didn't know what he was doing, all he knew was he needed to talk to someone. He needed that someone who he knew wouldn't judge him and would understand. He knew that person was Rae, and honestly, he thinks somewhere, maybe way back, in the back of his head, he knew it was Rae before he even saw the scars.
"I know what happened." Finn watched as Rae swallowed hard. Her eyes searched his for something. Conformation, maybe? He didn't know if she found it or not but he spoke over her as soon as she opened her mouth, which was weird for Finn, as words aren't something he's good at. "To your thighs. I know you did them. I understand-"
"How can you understand? You don't know what you're talking about Finn. Go home." She dismissed him, and he might have been offended if he hadn't had caught the tears glistening in her eyes, under the moonlight.
Just tell her Finn. Everything you've every wanted to express is one the tip of ya tongue! For once, use ya mouth and tell her. And if it doesn't go the way you think it will.. well.. she won't say anything. She's going through the same thing!
Inwardly shouting at himself, Finn failed to notice Rae speed walking away; she was almost half way down the down before he noticed. Jogging down back to her, he stood in front of her and stopped her by placing his hands gently on her shoulders. He took a deep breath before speaking, not knowing what words were about to come out of his mouth, but knowing that he wouldn't be able to stop them.
"I understand because I have them too."
The next couple of minutes were a blur. All Finn knew was that he was crying in Rae's arms. Her secure arms. Her arms in which, made Finn feel safe; safer than he has in ages. In between all the tears, they had somehow made their way to the park, sitting on one of the benches. Finn didn't remember moving his legs. Did she carry me?
They didn't say anything for a while. Just stayed in each others arms and rocked gently back and forth, silent tears still escaping their eyes but not at fast and hard as they were.
They didn't know why they were crying. Maybe is was because a thousand words were expressed through one sentence. Maybe it was because they finally had someone who could understand without much words. Maybe it was just the presents and knowing that they weren't the only one; that they weren't alone.
"Do ya wanna talk 'bout it?" Rae murmured against his ear.
"Do ya mind?" He whispered back, into the crook of her neck.
"Course not."
They didn't pull back straight away; their grips too tight; too desperate to be relinquished just yet.
Once they separated, just enough to look into each others eyes, Rae could instantly tell that Finn had never spoke openly about this before. Understanding what he needed, she offered to speak first.
"Well, um.. I just got out of hospital." She begun.
"Ya weren't in France?"
"Nah. Mom just said that to people 'cause I didn't want 'em to know." Finn nodded his head in understanding, and gestured for her to continue.
"I were in there for four months because I almost died." Rae refused to look Finn in the eye while he was gaping. "I cut too deep. I got carried away I guess."
There was a few beats of silence until Finn broke it.
"Wh-wh-what made ya d-do it?" He stuttered.
Although Rae was slightly hesitant, it felt pretty easy to talk to him about it. Which came to her as a surprise as she has never opened up this much to anyone - well, all except Tix.
"Well.. There're these voices in my head.." She paused for moment, took a few deep breaths as she counted to ten in her head. "It was my voice. It kept telling me how worthless I am. How fat I am. How alone I am. How there was nobody out there that loved me. It told me I was weak. Nothing I ever done was good enough. Not for the voices, not for my mom, not for Chloe, nobody. I felt belittled in my own skin. I felt judged by anyone who'd ever passed a glance at me. I was tormented by food but yet I sought comfort from it. Everyday felt like a reminder of how disgusting I am. It started when I was young when I overhead people bad mouthing me. But I didn't believe it when. I didn't want to, but I do now. I have for ages. But I wouldn't say anything. It sounds silly. It is silly. But to hate ma self like this. To think such thoughts.. I couldn't handle it. No-one was home and this small knife was staring at me. Daring me to touch it. Daring me to cause myself pain instead of letting others do it for me. Daring me to be strong enough, to let the monster inside of me get out. So I did. I walked upstairs and released the monster."
Rae hadn't stopped talking since she started. She'd forgotten that Finn was there, as she stared blankly at the swing set behind him. She was so caught up in her thoughts (and it seemed like she wasn't even aware she was saying them out loud) that she hadn't noticed the rivers that was descending down Finn's cheeks. Or the way he couldn't even get his hands to fist because they were shaking so hard.
"The first cut hurt the most. But then again, it wasn't that bad. It glided across my thigh so naturally, like it was meant to; like it had purpose. The blood took it time surfacing but It was so intriguing to watch. Cut after cut, they got deeper. Cut after cut, the blood surfaced faster. Cut after cut, it became more fascinating. The pain was slowly leaving. I felt like I was watching every flaw I had leave with the blood that flowed. I felt like the monster was leaving, ever so slowly but it felt ever so good. I felt free. Then numb. Then the pain came back. And I don't know what happened afterwards. Woke up in hospital and .. stayed there I guess."
Rae didn't realize she was crying, and Finn didn't know he had this many tears inside of him to shed. As soon as she finished her words, Finn had pulled her into a tight embrace. He bathed her neck in his tears and she did the same to him, in return. Rae couldn't remember what she had said. The only thing that went through her head was that night. Did she describe it to him? How much detail did she go into? Rae?! What have you done?! You made the poor lad cry!
"I'm so sorry Rae. You shouldn't of suffered that alone. You-"
"It's fine, Finn. Gotta move onwards and upwards and what not."
Finn just sighed and shook his head that was still buried deep into her neck. How he'd come to care for this one girl, in such sort time, was beyond him.
Again, they started in the safety of each other arms for a while.. Well, it was more than a while, almost half an hour.
Finn stayed in Rae's warm arms when he began talking, he didn't want her seeing his facial expressions like how he saw hers. The pain that was stretched on her face, mixed with both relief, confusion and emptiness was all he could bare seeing on her, so he kept his face hidden, but his voice audible.
"Mom left when I was young; no more than 6. Dad tried hard to fill her gap but it was hard. A boy needs his moms love, ya know?" He let out a low, nervous and bitter chuckle, while Rae started to gently trace patterns on his back. "I blame myself for her leaving. I didn't think I was good enough for her to stay; like I didn't have enough of her love; like I wasn't worthy of it. Since then it's just been me dad, me nan and me. The three of us. I had high hopes that mom would phone on birthdays and on Christmas, but she never did. Even if she did, it wasn't for me; it wasn't about me. Just her. Always her." He whispered the last part, but as he was so close to Rae's ear, she heard it, clear as day.
"When I turned 14, It was ma birthday and I got drunk for the first time and drunk dialed her. I told her how bad of a mother she was 'cause she didn't care. 'Cause she left me, 'cause she didn't even remember my birthday. I broke my heart to her, told her everything that I kept buried deep down inside. And you know what she said afterwards?" Rae shook her head. "She said, 'sorry darling, Ross needs me. We'll talk later though, yeah?'"
"Oh my God." Rae whispered in disbelief. How could a mother do that to her child? Especially someone like Finn?
"Yup." He popped the 'p', still tucked safely under Rae's arms. "I confessed all to her. All my insecurities. All the things I wouldn't dare admit to anyone. I shared it all with her, and for wha'? I wasn't good enough for more than 10 words? Her 'boyfriend' meant more to her than her 'son'? I didn't want to hate her. I don't hate her. But in that moment I did. I was hurt and angry. She'd ruined another birthday of mine, and she wasn't even there. I ran out that house and kept running. I dunno where I went. All I know was no-one was there. There was still bottle and I threw it put the wall. I remember screaming. I remember crying. I remember laughing. But most of all.. I remember the rip in my jeans. Some of the glass has bounced back and cut me. I felt the sting but I wasn't a bad one. I remember ripping my jeans so I could get to my thigh. One small cut and yet it held so much blood. I remember thinking of it as a metaphor. 'such small me, and yet, I'm filled with so many emotions.' I remember walking over to the glass on the floor. My movements didn't seem real. They were almost robotic. I remember my hand shaking as I reached for the sharpest piece. I remember it shaking violently as I pulled it up and held it over my skin. But the funny thing is, is that, as soon as I dragged it over my leg, my hand stopped shaking. It hurt, burnt a bit too. But I liked it. I remember doing it over and over again. Feeling the pain melt away and my blood left. Feeling her leave me as the streams of blood ran faster. It was relaxing. Does that make sense? I dunno. But it was the first of many times. It became an addiction. One cut wasn't enough. The pain didn't go away after so many. I only got help when ma nan walked in. And that was only a couple months ago, but I haven't touched one since. But now she's getting ill and I'm scared Rae. I don't have anyone else I can go to with this."
As Finn started to sob, Rae held him tighter. She let him get it all out. He needed to.
Rae began whispering her words repeatedly into Finn's ear as his sobs quietened. Her hands ran soothingly over his back as the tension slowly began to leave his body. Finn's almost agonizing grip on Rae slowly faded as he slowly began to fall into a tiresome sleep, safely in Rae's arms.
Whispering the words one more time into his ear, Rae gingerly stood up and made her way over to Finn's.
Don't worry. You have me. I'll never leave and I'll always be here when you need me. You're safe. I won't hurt you. Promise.