What fools you are – the whole lot of you. You still suspect nothing; you think me so sweet and innocent. You think that I am blind and deaf to what goes on around me. Well, I am a little bit color-blind; I'll give you that. But deaf? Far from it. I hear everything. And not only do I hear, but I understand. I plan. I study each of you, detecting your weaknesses, so that I may exploit them when the time comes.
The brunette, ever flighty and boy-crazy – you're no threat to me. The blonde meat-addict, crammed with so much aggression and so little intellect – oh, I can play you like a fiddle. The muscled one – what a mother-complex you have, and what miserably low self-esteem. A Freudian psychotherapist's dream, you are. When I conquer, I may keep you around for a bit. You could make an amusing plaything. The tall, awkward man-child – I don't really need to do anything to you, do I? You'll consume yourself in flames soon enough.
And, of course, the pudgy one. Are there any bounds to your naïveté? You will, of course, be the first to go. Perhaps I shall strike you down in your sleep – tear out your throat. Some will no doubt accuse me of ingratitude in treating my patron thus; but they will be silenced, swiftly and remorselessly.
I often think upon my quasi-namesake. There was much to admire in him, to be sure: a mighty arm; unrivalled courage; the capacity, when the need arose, to slip into a berserker rage so terrifying that his foes would weep and beg for mercy rather than face his blood-stained blade. And yet, in the end, he was weak. For this legendary warrior betrayed his lord, toppled a kingdom, and ended a golden age – all for the love of a woman. He learned too late that Eros is fickle and treacherous – a source of vulnerability that no one with any aspirations toward greatness can afford to have. How fortunate I am, then, that I could never love another; the faculty is simply not in me. No, power is my sole mistress, and I shall have her no matter what the cost.
Prepare yourselves, people of iCarly, if you can. For I am Sir Licksalot, and my day will come.